Was I over the top/is he really an idiot?

LegacyUser

Okay - so I wanted to get a bit of non-biased perspective here as my friends keep telling me I'm totally in the right and that I've done nothing wrong....

Split up with the boyfriend a couple of months ago (together 3 1/2 months). He's 23, I'm 21. He was the one who broke up with me (there's a lot of complicated stuff going on for both of us at the moment). Thing is, we were both drunk when we had this chat and the night ended a bit hostile with both of us storming off.

I wanted to have a chat about it afterwards - just so things weren't left like that but he ignored my 2 calls. I sent him a FB mail letting him basically know I didnt want us to split - nothing too over the top, kept it light hearted (I figured if we didn't sort things out the last thing I'd need a couple of months down the lie would be a bitter or really soppy email hanging there unanswered!) and I text him letting him know that I'd sent it. He never acknowledged the content although he did text to say sorry for avoiding me and he has text since and we had a civil, small talk kind of conversation. I've text once since that but it's gone unanswered - just a hey how are you getting on type of thing.

What I'm wondering is......my friends refer to him as a ****head all the time, and sort of make out like he's a total gimp for ignoring me and the way he wouldn't talk to me properly like an adult after we split up. They also tell me I'm 100% right in having sent the mail and that I'm being the bigger person etc....

From reading a recent thread though about someone looking for closure, I'm wondering, was I too over the top, maybe a bit of a bunny boiler and are my friends just trying to make me feel better. As time has gone on I've come to the conclusion that he was just not that into me after the intensity at the start, split up with me and moved on.....nothing too terrible. Okay - when things end like that it's not ideal and a sober chat to clear the air would have been more mature so he's guilty of that......

I just get it in the ear all the time from them about how he's such an idiot etc etc and I feel myself starting to believe them. I hate to hold a grudge but I can be guilty of letting people get away with murder because I'm too much of a pushover (which would be a bad thing because we will see each other a good bit as we have a lot of mutual friends) I guess I'm looking for some outside perspective so that I can just let it go.

LegacyUser

Agree with Sunflower.

Yes, a chat to properly explain would have been much appreciated. But you weren't going out together all that long - was it very intense? Personally I believe that if you break up with someone you should take the time to talk things through, no matter how painful it is, and even if you have to repeat the message several times over - it's kinder than leaving someone with lots of questions and doubt. But it doesn't sound like he's been especially cruel about the break up.

Basically it sounds that you've handled this pretty maturely and he's handled it ok.

Don't mind your friends. It sounds like they're quite into drama, and the situation is just not that dramatic.

I hope you meet someone else soon and stop dwelling on him. :-)

G-Money

Maybe I'm missing something but you both agreed to end things, what else was there to discuss? You mentioned that you were both a bit drunk but at the end of the day if he wants to end things, he could very well have thought "That's it finished, end of story".

If it were me, I wouldn't want to be getting into some big long winded discussion about why I wanted to end things with a girl, or why she wanted to end things with me.

As far as I can see, you both know it's finished, regardless of whether you's were drunk or not when it was ultimately decided. It sounds like he doesn't want to get back together. I don't see what good will come from forcing him to discuss it with you. If anything it's likely to make you feel worse.

I don't necessarily agree with your friends that he's some sort of coward, but the main point that keeps coming back to me is "It's finished, what else is there to talk about?"

You've got your answer. Let it go and move on.

I don't mean to be blunt OP, but sometimes people won't let go of things and want to endlessly analyse and discuss things when they'd be better just forgetting about it and moving on.

All the best.

LegacyUser

I'm not really sure why you are trying to contact him. Seems like he wants to move on and he probably feels like you don't. In that situation, I'd probably ignore someone too.

Move on..

LegacyUser

Hey OP here - sorry I probably wasn't clear in my original post - me trying to contact him and sending the email all happened within the first week after breaking up, I haven't been trying to contact him since. I know it's over, I'm trying to get over it, I just wanted to see if people thought the bit of contact I made back a couple of months ago was over the top.

G-Money wrote: »

If it were me, I wouldn't want to be getting into some big long winded discussion about why I wanted to end things with a girl, or why she wanted to end things with me.

TBH I really didn't want to have a big long winded converation either, I only wanted to clear the air and have a chat about it briefly so the last thing that happened wouldn't be a silly drunken thing. I don't deal well with things being left like that and for my sake knew it would hurt as it wasn't symptomatic of the relationship, which was very intense.

I don't think it would have done any harm to leave things in a better manner.

LegacyUser

As a male, I would question if your friends have these 'bunny boiler' tendencies, that some women seem to display.

I don't know why you felt the need to get answers from him, it was done and dusted, why bother writing and texting. Leave it be. A lot of men don't know how to handle all this closure stuff women want and find it a lot easier to ignore the woman, there is nothing to discuss so why bother.

A problem arises when the woman continues to text and call, and that's when the bunny boiler term starts to get used.

They really ought to teach people in school how to deal with breakups, and how to safely move on.

OS119

a bit of perspective here please wrote: »

...I don't think it would have done any harm to leave things in a better manner.

you shouldn't have got drunk and had an argument then.

he has handled this vastly better than you - he's asked nothing of you, been civil, and not pestered you in order to make himself feel better about the end of a mighty 14 week relationship.

your friends, while trying to make you feel better about yourself, have done you no favours - you are not entitled to an explanation, you are not entitled to clear the air, you are not entitled to be 'friends', and you are not entitled to decide that because you were drunk, its his problem that you didn't ask the right questions - or indeed remember the answers.

drink less, choose friends with better judgement, and remember that the moment he became your Ex he ceased owing a second glance.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

you shouldn't have got drunk and had an argument then.

he has handled this vastly better than you - he's asked nothing of you, been civil, and not pestered you in order to make himself feel better about the end of a mighty 14 week relationship.

your friends, while trying to make you feel better about yourself, have done you no favours - you are not entitled to an explanation, you are not entitled to clear the air, you are not entitled to be 'friends', and you are not entitled to decide that because you were drunk, its his problem that you didn't ask the right questions - or indeed remember the answers.

drink less, choose friends with better judgement, and remember that the moment he became your Ex he ceased owing a second glance.

I take your point but it's a bit harsh given that he was the one that started the conversation when we were already drunk. I didn't really have a choice but to talk about it whilst under the influence. Obviously I didn't want to and would have preferred a more adult and reasonable approach...hence wanting to speak about it afterwards. It's not like I was the one that got hammered and made a mess of a serious discussion. Was the opposite actually.

I don't agree that when someone 'becomes' an ex that they cease owing you anything. You have to have a bit of consideration for other people at least.

G-Money

I keep going back to my original thought OP. I don't really understand what other sort of closure you want. I think sometimes people in these situations want to feel like they're the one who ended it or that it finished on their terms. Kind of like a pride thing.

It's finished, just leave it. I don't see what talking to him will change. You already know it's finished, you've got your answer.

analucija

bit of perspective here please! wrote: »

I take your point but it's a bit harsh given that he was the one that started the conversation when we were already drunk. I didn't really have a choice but to talk about it whilst under the influence. Obviously I didn't want to and would have preferred a more adult and reasonable approach...hence wanting to speak about it afterwards. It's not like I was the one that got hammered and made a mess of a serious discussion. Was the opposite actually.

I don't agree that when someone 'becomes' an ex that they cease owing you anything. You have to have a bit of consideration for other people at least.

You are lying to us and more importantly to yourself. You are still in-love with him and are hoping you could get back together. It's not going to happen so forget about him and move on. And stop texting him.

Miss Fluff

bit of perspective here please! wrote: »

From reading a recent thread though about someone looking for closure, I'm wondering, was I too over the top

In short, yes. I think you were.

Regardless of how undignified the split was, I'm not sure what kind of closure you were looking for. He decided to break up with you and did so. I don't quite get the repeated attempts at discussing it further. So yes, you were a bit OTT. You live and learn though.

LegacyUser

analucija wrote: »

You are lying to us and more importantly to yourself. You are still in-love with him and are hoping you could get back together. It's not going to happen so forget about him and move on. And stop texting him.

100% not still in love with him, wasn't going out with him long enough to even be in love in the first place. Sorry if it seems like I'm lying......I'm really not. I've already said that I didn't want us to break up so obviously back at the beginning I had hope however
I think you need to read my earlier post again, I'm not still texting him, haven't in a month. I don't want to talk to him NOW. I don't want to discuss it NOW. My question is whether what contact I made in the first week after we broke up to try and clear the air and yes try and maybe see if we could stay together (an email and a couple of missed calls) was a bad idea - was too over the top?

I'm sorry if I wasn't clearer in my first post - I guess I've been through it so much in my head I kinda think everyone should know what I'm thinking!

Thanks for all the advice though, I'm still not sure what to believe though, there's always so many different opinions and everyone is different the way that they deal with things.

trio

Ok exactly WHY are your friends still banging on about him 2 months later???

If it's because you're moaning about him, then I can understand it - they're trying to reassure you as friends do.

And if you're still moaning about him, then you need to shut up about him and move the hell on!

But if you're not mentioning him ever, and they're the ones bringing him up? Then you need to tell them in no uncertain terms "You guys can stop talking about him now - it was 2 months ago - thanks"

Cos at this stage NOBODY should be still talking about this guy. He's 100% the past.

And it seems from your post that the only reason you're still headwrecked about this is because he keeps coming up in conversation somehow and it keeps the break-up in the present (where it absolutely shouldn't be!)

Oh and by the way, you weren't a bunny boiler but neither was he an ****hole. You only emailed him the week after and not after that, and he did respond to you since, but has now stopped. So he was polite, but sees no point in keeping up contact. That's not the sign of an ****hole, but rather somebody thinking fairly realistically. He knows you two are neither going to be in a relationship or become super-close buddies, so there is little point in keeping up contact.

As for you? Don't text him again - you tried each other out for 3 1/2 months - it just didn't work out. Actually, erase his number because you have no reason to keep it in your phone anymore whatsoever. That's not harshness, that's just what other people do when they move on. Otherwise it would just be cluttering up your Contact list for years to come, long after you've forgotten what he was even like.

Villette

Hi OP, I'm a small bit confused by other people's responses so I just wanted to let you know that I don't think you did anything wrong/weird. I get the feeling of wanting closure on the idea that you did something silly and that by now it has nothing to do with wanting to get back with him.

Firstly, I think it's pointless to dwell on the past but of course that's easier said than done! If you are still wondering though I really think you did nothing bunny-boiler-ish and he wasn't an asshole. You sent an email and a text - hardly stalker behaviour, especially after being with him a few months. He didn't disappear either, as far as he was concerned you had broken up, so he did nothing wrong either. It would have been nice to maybe have a closure talk but maybe he felt that you just wanted to get back together or maybe he just hates talks - either way, he probably didn't realise that you needed closure.

And I think your friends are probably just saying that he is because they feel they have to - people have strange ideas about how to react to a friend's ex. I've been given out to in the past for saying hello to a friend's ex - who did nothing wrong, they just split up! So I think your friends are probably just going with a weird societal view on how to react to exes. If it bothers you I would just change the subject - I never participate in ex bashing - I might if someone did something awful but I think a relationship is between the couple and no-one else's business. They should take the hint.

analucija

OP here again!! wrote: »

100% not still in love with him, wasn't going out with him long enough to even be in love in the first place. Sorry if it seems like I'm lying......I'm really not. I've already said that I didn't want us to break up so obviously back at the beginning I had hope however
I think you need to read my earlier post again, I'm not still texting him, haven't in a month. I don't want to talk to him NOW. I don't want to discuss it NOW. My question is whether what contact I made in the first week after we broke up to try and clear the air and yes try and maybe see if we could stay together (an email and a couple of missed calls) was a bad idea - was too over the top?

I'm sorry if I wasn't clearer in my first post - I guess I've been through it so much in my head I kinda think everyone should know what I'm thinking!

Thanks for all the advice though, I'm still not sure what to believe though, there's always so many different opinions and everyone is different the way that they deal with things.

Sorry lying was a harsh word and I meant to edit that part of the post but I forgot. I just don't get it, if you aren't in-love with him, why are you thinking about it so much. If you feel hurt because he wouldn't talk to you, don't be. Think of it as an argument with a friend or family member, sometimes you just don't want to sort it out straight away. Hell, in most cases we just ignore the spat after a while and go on as we did before without any discussion about it. You are obviously not getting back together with him but that still doesn't change the fact that some of us just don't want to talk everything through.

@rti-shm@rti

Okay if I understand things right: you were seeing a guy, it finished, instigated by him and it didn't end the nicest way so you were left feeling even more crap and wanted to talk about it?? Then you tried to contact him a bit and he wasn't interested in getting into another sober discussion where he was going to have to basically break up with you a second time basically (you made it obvious that you wanted to stay together, he didn't want to and figured by ignoring it that you'd take the hint)

I don't think that you were over the top, you are obviously the type of person who likes to be open and discuss things, you wanted to stay together,you let him know, no harm in taking a chance.

However, he really doesn't seem like an ****hole either. He probably just didn't want to talk about it again and have to go through a conversation where he'd have to let you down again. Everyone is different and has a different way of dealing with things. I'd be more like you, however plenty guys I've been with have been in the other bunch!

+1 to moving on. You should try not think about it or him anymore, you're not together, will not be together and don't waste anymore time and energy on something that is so firmly in the past!

ash23

I can see why you emailed him. If things were said in the heat of the moment or when drunk, it's possible that it wasn't meant or it escalated. So you emailing him to tell him you didn't want to break up...well, it's not the best thing you could have done but it's hardly the end of the world.

However, once he didn't reply that was your cue to take what he said as being what he meant and move on from it.
I wouldn't give it any more thought to be honest. He wasn't a d!ck not to have answered you, he was just done.

@rti-shm@rti

ash23 wrote: »

I can see why you emailed him. If things were said in the heat of the moment or when drunk, it's possible that it wasn't meant or it escalated. So you emailing him to tell him you didn't want to break up...well, it's not the best thing you could have done but it's hardly the end of the world.

Ah yeah but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Obviously if you know before you contact someone like that that they won't reply or feel the same way you wouldn't send it. If the OP was trying let him know something that didn't get said when it should have because they were hammered then I say what harm. It might have made a difference, it didn't, he doesn't want to be with you OP, sorry, you know this though. At the same time though I don't think you did anything wrong. Obviously it's not a nice feeling when you put yourself out there and then it doesn't work out but without taking chances noone would ever be with anyone ever. Taking a bit of a risk and a chance of being rejected is how it all works!!

LegacyUser

OP, speaking as a male, you did nothing wrong. Completely understandable to send an email in the circumstances. I can also understand why he didnt respond, as someone said, why go through breaking up a 2nd time?

Ignore the posters telling you to not get drunk or get new friends, let them ride off on their high horses.

You're only 21, just put this one down to experience. You don't need to get new friends, but you will be wiser in future, knowing that their opinions on who YOU will or wont be with are not the be all and end all.