Dont mess with the oldies

Sunnyisland

One Size Fits All 5/22/11

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Ma?" She replies: "That's for having such a small dick!" A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?" He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size.

The Biker Bar
A drunken old man walks into a rough biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man I tell you, she is one fine looking piece of ass!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad ass biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The old drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma boy and she is really good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa, Go home, you're drunk."


Shot 6 Times In The Back
Last Thursday night, an elderly woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. The following Monday morning, the old lady was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions. The woman replied, "Your Honor, I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home. I had just cashed my social security check at the bank earlier in the day. I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol that my late husband gave me for protection, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No way punk! You're not stealing my money." "I raised my right shaking hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!" When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?" The woman replied, under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click." The woman was acquitted of all charges. Don't mess with old folks ya hear.

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't f*#@*n' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. . .


Moose Hunting

Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. "Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick," Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, " I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

The Wise Old Lady

A young guy with a great build found himself unemployed... But he had to pay the rent, buy food and pay bills... so he decided to put a sign outside the door of his apartment which read: IN BED $100, ON THE COUCH $50, ON THE FLOOR $25. Not long after that, an old woman walks by his door. She stops to read the sign, gets all excited and then rushes back home. She breaks open her piggy bank and takes the little savings she had. With the money in her hand she heads for the young man's apartment. Knock knock... The young man opens the door and the old lady hands him the money. He gives her a passionate kiss and after counting the money tells her: "It's $100, so you want to do it in bed?" "Don't be so naive young man" she replied, "I wanna do it 4 times on the floor!!"

Did Anyone See My Face?

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."

The Old Mule
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.' And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."


The New Boots
An elderly couple Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied.. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.'

The Prostate Exam

A middle aged man goes to his regular doctor for his physical and gets sent to a urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99," The guy obeys and says 99." The doctor says, "Great... now turn over on your left side and again, take a deep breath and say 99." Again, the guy says 99. The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly, I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99." The old geezer says, "One... Two... Three."

The Beaujolais Bistro
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've never been there before.


Jim Is Recovering Nicely
Jim left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying and playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, the old geezer was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The Senior Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.


:D:):rolleyes::p