things are getting on top of me!

LegacyUser

Hi guys, reg going unreg for this one.

Firstly, I'm not looking for medical advice, so please don't lock this unless you think I'm breaking rules!

Anyway, I've been having some problems lately that are just getting on top of me right now and I need to get it off my chest and get some perspective.

Basically, I have been suffering from some mental illness for several years. I've had several terms thrown at me (bi-polar, depression, PTSD, anxiety, etc), and have been officially diagnosed with 3 mental health problems, but my doctor is still thinking something else undefined is wrong with me.

My depression and anxiety has gotten to a bad point right now. I am on medication, which has been increased several times and I don't feel that it is helping. I have been on several medications over the last 5 years, onle one of which I found to work but I had some very severe reactions to it and was taken off of it after 6 months. It is the only one which I really can say worked. I felt normal while I was on it, for the first time in years!

At the moment, I have a lot of stress on my plate. I'm in a job I hate, where I am being flat out bullied, but there is nothing I can do about that because of a circumstance I don't want to get into. I am looking for a new job but every day I work, I feel awful and I end up taking my moods out on my partner and family.

The medication not working is really frustrating me. I've spoken to my doctor several times about this, but he just keeps upping the dosage, which still isn't helping, but is making me vomit because my body can't handle it!

Please don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm really not. My life is in an amazing place compared to where I was 5 years ago. I've got a job, I have a wonderful relationship and some fantastic friends and a good social life and I haven't self harmed in over 3 years. It's just that none of it really feels good, if that makes sense? It feels like I'm going through the motions because although on the outside my job has gotten a hell of a lot better, inside I'm still feeling bad. I'm just forcing my outside life to go well because there is no point in sitting around depressed when I could be at least trying to get better.

Something terrible happened to me, which is when the depression started. I have had therapy for it, and had a very bad time in therapy, my therapist did not believe me and even did some victim blaming. I reported her and left the clinic, but I have been too apprehensive to return to therapy since it happened and am full of self doubt and blame myself for what happened now.

I don't really know what advice I'm looking for, I just need to get it off my chest and basically ask anyone for any advice or encouragement that they can give. I'm trying my best, I'm keeping my life as normal as possible, and I'm trying to ignore how bad I feel, but it's frankly becoming too much. I think that if I get some help for what happened in my past to make me this way, I could get a lot better, but at the same time I'm very apprehensive about getting therapy for that again. I'm too scared of being told it was my fault, because although I know it wasn't, I still feel like it was. I have spoken to my psychiatrist about this but he just tells me to go talk to a counsellor for it, which is the problem! I am worried about seeing one! He offered no advice on that aspect, and pretty much ignored my concerns about my tablets not helping, too.


I'm sorry this is so long, but ANY advice on what to do to get the treatment I know I need, and get my psychiatrist to listen to me and take in what I'm saying would be really appreciated. I'm sorry for sounding so whiney too. I'm not like this in real life lol.