long distance

LegacyUser

I see my long distance boyfriend every second weekend because of my work . more and more he seems to have other plans on my weekends off and doesn't seem to make time for me . last weekend agian he came down on the friday and then went down the country on sat morning came back sunday and then went home . this has been happening a lot over the summer . he first said he would be back on the sunday morning he didn't come back untill sun evening and then went home i told him i was upset and that I couldn't understand why he couldn't plan these trips for the weekends I am working he went nuts and said I was making him feel bad. I thought we were at a stage when we would be moving in thogether we are seeing each other 4 years now but from what he has siad I was well wrong . I told him i could change my shift pattern a bit so I am not working as my weekends I am a nurse it will be difficult but not impossible he more or less told me not to bother as he liked things they way they were . there are other things like my holidays this year he wouldn't take a few days off to spend time with me but the next week he took 2 days to play golf also he doesn't contact me much during the day I will get a phone call late at night which will start with I'm tired which he will repeat 4 or 5 times and then say after 10 min I am off to bed . i told him that this bothered me he said that I should call him more but when I do he will always start the converation by telling me the reason he has to go soon and then repeat it again seveal times so i get the message and then say he has got to go I just want to share my day with him and talk its not like i don't have a busy life I have a lot going on but he is my boyfriend and I miss him am I asking toomuch ?. at this stage I am thinking he is seeing someone else and I am driving myself nuts .

green_dub_girl

I am really sorry to read your post it sound like things are really difficult for you at the moment....

This may be harsh but I think he has totally lost interest in your relationship. It sounds to me that he doesn't look forward to your phone calls or having you home for the weekend. IMHO he is treating you like this because he wants out but doesn't have the guts end things. You deserve someone who loves being around you and makes you feel good about yourself, and this guy doesn't sound like the one. May be difficult after four years to imagine things without him but you need to put yourself first here.....

Good Luck,
GDG

Asphyxia

To me it seems he has lost interest and is just in a routine, if he was really into it then he would surely make the effort to see you on the only times your off instead off planning other things! He doesn't seem eager to talk when you call and he doesn't send you a text this also rings alarm bells. LDR can be really hard and sometimes the strain can make you sick and depressed, if you're not feeling positive and have doubts about him then confront him about it and see what he says.

As green_dub_girl says you deserve a lot more than this.

Miss Fluff

Hon why are you with this man? He's giving you nothing

A LDR requires a lot of work and those weekends together are so precious, so special and so hotly anticipated. He should be counting down the days until you see one another again, not avoiding you and orchestrating it so he spends as little time with you as possible! It also speaks volumes that he didn't coorindate his holidays with yours. His heart isn't in it and he should at least have the balls to do the decent thing and let you go.

Sorry to be harsh but you're flogging a dead horse here. I'd be finishing with him if I was in your shoes.

Starokan

next time you see him , sit him down and call him up on whats happening. Its not unreasonable in a ldr that certain weekends events will happen with friends/clubs etc that mean you cant see each other.

But if its happening all the time then its clearly a problem, if he is losing interest or wont talk it out with you without going off on one then you have your answer.

tell him what you want from him and if you think he is not making an effort then take control and walk away yourself.

Firetrap

Sorry OP but this is a no-brainer. This relationship is dead in the water He's not acting as if he even likes you. You deserve far far more than to be treated like an inconvenience in his life.

duckielover

i know the way you are feeling OP im in same situation except im in college all week and part time work at home at weekend, my bf is not currently working so he comes up every few weeks and spends few days with me . hwoever since the summer i been getting awkward work hours in the evenins or days few hours here and there, i havent seen him in 6 weeks, we fight over nothing, i mfrustrated at not seeing him and i constantly wonder if it is all worth it by the way we are together 2 and a half years and i just dunno, long distance is unreal hard and you just need to talk and sit down next time and promise each other to work hard at it even just make more of an effort with the little things like phone calls etc, its really tough but i hope things start to get better,

coco_lola

God, I could have written this post 6 months ago (and I believe I did!!) give or take a few details. I'll tell you the truth, he has totally lost interest. LDRs are hard, and unless both people are committed, it just won't work. I let myself believe it was my fault for working weekends, and when I took time off he would bail on me, I bent over backwards to make time for him, and often I would not get an answer from him about weekend plans until Saturday morning, which would become "oh I'm not around". You need to say something. Don't let yourself get in the mess I did, crying and worrying and self blaming. HE is the one deciding not to spend time with you, so he is the one that is backing off, it is not your fault, and you should nt have to put up with that!

I could suggest to you to fill your time, become more busy, but if he has already made his mind up then it won't make a difference. What I would say is, and take it from me because ive been there, you have two choices: say it straight to him, or back off and stop making an effort and see what happens. Either way you'll get your answer, although it may take longer if you back off, which is the option I took, until there was a final confrontation about it. Tbh I think that he is slowly phasing you out, I would just have a chat with him. I really hope this isn't the case for you after 4 years. If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me, some boardsies here were so good to me when I was going through this stuff!

ManOfMystery

OP, sorry to sound harsh, but this relationship is over.

I say this because (I'm a little ashamed to admit) many, many years ago I was in a totally identical situation - only I was the guy.

I was with a girl 3-4yrs and we had drifted apart. We were in a LDR setup like yourself. For various reasons (including her cheating, being very abusive verbally and physically to me at times before all this happened), I had totally lost interest in the relationship but was putting off the breakup as I knew it was going to be difficult. I wasn't an angel either, so it wasn't all one-sided, but I was never in any way abusive to her. Reading your posts reminds me of how I felt after 4yrs - I actually felt like I didn't even like her any more, never mind love her. And when we were scheduled to meet up every few weekends, I found every excuse under the sun to avoid it. I found phonecalls to be a chore every night, and simply couldn't be bothered any more so again - any excuse to make it short or end it. I found happiness and contentment doing things that I liked on my weekends, so those began to take priority over meeting with her.

Eventually I decided enough was enough, gave myself a kick up the ass and ended it properly. She took it bad of course, threatened to get me sacked from my job, stalked me for a while, spread various lies, etc, but eventually left me alone. I'm a bit older, uglier and wiser now, and 4yrs into my relationship with my now-fiancee I still want to see her or at least speak to her every day. That's the way a relationship should be - not avoiding your other half. When you're away from someone you love for a few weeks at a time, you should be chomping at the bit to see that person - not dreaming up ways and means to NOT see them.

Now I'm not suggesting for one second that you're as toxic or mentally screwed up as my ex was. You come across as a rational and reasonable person. But as far as your boyfriend goes, he sounds like he's in that mental place where I was - he has totally lost interest, but because he only sees you once in a blue moon, he hasn't had the urgency or kick up the ass he needs to end the relationship. You both need to read the signs, and act on it.

Perhaps you should be the one to end it, for your own health and for your own self-worth. He'll likely put up a half-hearted fight so he doesn't come across the 'bad guy', and then he'll reluctantly accept it.