Need help with sorting life out

LegacyUser

Ok this is gonna be a long one, just a heads up. And it's gonna be scattered all over the place but please bear with me, it's hard trying to put everything into a few paragraphs.

Right some basics, I'm a 24 year old female, living at home, in Limerick, with my parents. I got a car at 18 so could never afford to move out. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 7 years now. He's been working full time since he finished college but doesn't earn much over the minimum wage and so still lives at home too.

I worked as a shop assistant up until March 2010 when the owners sold up and I was made redundant. I honestly thought I'd find a job again soon and had about €600 leaving work so I didn't apply for Jobseeker's Benefit until June that year. That ran out anyway a few months ago and I'm having issues with applying for Jobseeker's Allowance; firstly I don't want to as it was a depressing year on JB and I feel at my age I should be earning my own money not living off the state, and secondly, there are complications at home.

My mother developed rheumatoid arthritis around the end of 2009 and had to take early retirement from her job as a Midwife. She gets €188 a week in illness benefit. To my knowledge, there are issues with her pension and she's not receiving anything from that yet still. My father is retired but he's very troubled. He was orphaned when he was a child and while he was always a bit 'mad', in the last few years he seems to be getting much worse. He developed cancer about 3 years ago but had an operation and is fine now (I think). He went on disability benefit I think, but I'm not sure. He doesn't ever tell us what he's up to. I wish I could go into more detail but I can't really.

The point is, I can't apply for JA as I'm under 25 and living at home, I need to provide evidence of what my parents' incomes are. My mother is fine, but my father refuses to give any details of his pension or anything.

Now, this post isn't just about claiming social welfare, though it looks like it. My main issue is that I finished a cert in LIT in 2004 which was a mistake to do. I've been waiting to turn 23 since then to become a mature student so that I can go back to college and get a degree. After doing a few FETAC courses and currently studying with the Open University to get a cert in natural sciences, I applied to NUIG, UL and UCC last year. I got my dream course in NUIG but as I hadn't found a job like I thought I would, I had to defer my place until September 2012.

I just don't see what I'm going to do to sort this out. I won't be able to afford college without some financial aid in the form of the grant or the BTEA or something, but all those require information from my father. Plus, I think his pension and my mother's illness benefit combined would put me over the limit for JA or the grant even though I don't get a penny (nor should I) from them. I used to pay my way when I was receiving JB.

Another thing about my father, he's disowned me. We had a fight (second one ever, you don't argue with him) almost 6 months ago. He hasn't spoken one word to me since. Seeing as we live together, it gets pretty awkward sometimes. The worst part is, my mother and older sister (who also lives at home) refuse to talk to him about it. They don't want to "annoy" him. They just carry on like nothing happened. I used to be daddy's girl so the sudden turn against me is hurtful enough without them ignoring it. To top things off, for absolutely no reason, about a month ago, my mother found a bag of old photos that he'd pulled out of the albums the night before. This is his burning bag, he normally burns old newspapers and whatnot. Anyways, it turns out every single picture was of me. Everything from baby pictures up to more recent stuff. I cannot even begin to explain how this made me feel. It was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me.

Clearly, he's losing the plot. So you think this last move would prompt my mother and sister into some action? Nope. Not one word was said to him. Close relations all said he needs help and needs to be talked to about his mad ways (there's loads of other stuff) but they have just forgotten it.

I need more than ever to get out of this house. But I just cannot afford it. I'm trapped in some vicious circle. I can't get a job (trust me, I'm applying for everything, I'm not being snobby) so I can't afford to go to college to get myself a decent education and so on. I honestly don't want to be a social welfare scrounger but I won't be able to apply for the BTEA unless I'm in receipt of a payment for 9-12 months before starting the course. I can't get a payment because of my father.

I guess I don't really know what I'm asking here. I just feel so depressed about it all sometimes. Not to be overly dramatic, but I've often wished I could fall asleep and just pass away peacefully. I'm not suicidal at all don't worry, but I sometimes would like to be dead. God that sounds very emo or something. It's just, I'm 24 and what have I done with my life? I still live at home having never moved out, I have no proper education, I only ever worked as a shop assistant and can't even manage to find a job doing that now, I really desperately want to go back to college and make something of myself but can't afford it, my father hates me for no reason, my family don't see what the big deal is, And I'm really worried about my mother. She's on medication which helps but she's still in a lot of pain and it's so heartbreaking to see he like this. I'm worried about how I'm gonna look after her in a few years if I've no money... I dunno. It's just too much sometimes. I don't know how to get myself out of this situation.

Anybody have some ideas for me or anything?



TL;DR I am unemployed, can't get a job at all, and need to be able to afford to move to Galway for college next year. Having family issues and am depressed about it all.

thefeatheredcat

HI OP

My heart goes out to you, you certainly have the motivation and determination to better yourself and get yourself somewhere in life. Do not worry about what you have not achieved - focus instead on what you have achieved (which is actually more than you think) and what your plan is and be glad that you have a clear focus and direction in which you want to go. Focus on that and nothing else, the rest are just small obstacles in your way that you will find a way around, or through.

This might be obvious, but have you approached Citizens Information or SW and explained to them of your situation or asked them for advice?

I think you have a lot on your plate to deal with, have you someone to talk to about how you feel about this? I think it is best that you do, even just to get it out of the head/mind and protecting yourself from being consumed by what you face, and The Samaritans are always great listeners from my experiences with them.

Kanoe

Hi op, I agree with the above. You already have a lot on your plate and being unemployed isn't much fun, even a few rejections is soul destroying. There's not much out there and the lack of response can leave you empty, especially when so much depends on your being able to work. After a while all you can focus on is the bad things and if you're not careful fall into a state of depression, which makes finding work even more difficult.
Please talk to someone at sw or contact your citzens advice centre, you are in an unhealthy environment you are entitled to assistance.

Raiser

Just wanted to wish you luck OP - I think you sound really strong, smart and together in what are (I'm sure very temporary) crap circumstances.

- I've a 6 year old Daughter and shes everything to me - For me to go putting photos of her etc. in a burning bag or whatever I'd need to be in severe mental distress/very much a diff person - Saying this in the hope it makes you just see this as a result of his illness rather than a mean hurtful act - If that makes sense? Just try and remember him when he was your Dad before his troubles....

Also you are right that your Family is not acting responsibly - But then again its a crap time for them too I suppose, I think maybe they feel unable to meet it all head on.

Have you posted in the social welfare/benefits Forum to see if you can find some angle on this? Maybe under a diff Username?

- My instinct is that you'd be better off detaching yourself from family and going to social Welfare clinic or something to get rent allowance or simialr - But must advise I don't know how real or viable this option is Go research every avenue and maybe theres some move you aren't aware of?

I wouldn't worry about you in the long run (not meaning to play down your situation, but to commend your attitude) - you come across as Someone who'll do fine