Ghost of Ex upsetting my views

LegacyUser

Hey.
Unregistered for this one. I meet a fabulous guy 2 weeks ago and we really hit it off. We have alot in common and I seem to be at ease with him. However, I went out with a guy back in December for, a few weeks and it really affected me. He treated me awful. Locked down a relationship status with me and forced his family on me in the space of 2weeks of us dating. However, I gave hime the benefit of the doubt, thinking he must really like me. All the while he was picking up schoolgirls and sluts behind my back, which really affected my confidence as I am a virgin and believed it was all my fault cause I wasnt "putting out". However, the red flag should of been clear when he asked was I a virgin on facebook.But I kept the ignorance up.

He manipulated everything. From me to the break up. Made me feel bad about his mistakes while we were together.

And, few months on, Ive built my confidence back up. And Ive got what I finally wanted.
A college place, started driving,plenty of job interviews and now, a new guy to date. My look has also changed for the better and I feel good.
However, I cant help but think of how awful I was treated beforehand and I keep wondering, will it happen again.. After that last guy, I was really torn up. Not because of him but how I was treated and fooled! It was a bad experience to say mildly. He was a horrible person.
I guess I am just scared of this new guy. He's a catch,smart and friendly. I just dont know how to go with the flow without getting scared or screwed over again.
I dont want to tell him about any of my worries cause I think he could be ideal for my personality and I dont want to mess it up. Also, its way to early for the insecurity talks ! Its meant to be all glitz and dazzle at this stage.

Anyone have advice? Anyone go through something similar?

I am a friend

You seem to Blame this guy but in all fairness you could have said no at every stage so you really need to take responsibility for your own part in what happened.

Learn from it and if you see the same thing happening again then stop it.

LegacyUser

Hey. Yeah some of it was my fault in regards to not breaking up with him sooner. He treated me horribley. Maybe he sensed I was perhaps too nice or?
He just automatically assumed I was a doormat. How do I stop that happening ever again?

LegacyUser

You cant stop him treating you like a doormat, you can only stop accepting it yourself.

Id have to disagree with the previous posters here. If it was a new relationship it wouldnt be a big deal him not inviting you after seeing you for 4 weeks, but it isnt a new relationship, theres a massive history there and without knowing very much at all about that history Id be inclined to think if he was turning over a new leaf he'd want to leave it in no doubt that you are a legitimate couple now, making a fresh start with the best of intentions.

You could argue he's taking it slow but it sounds like youve been dancing around each other for years. if its on, its on, there shouldnt be doubts after all this time. Sorry to be crude, but its a case of sh1t of get off the pot at this point I suspect, for both of you.

LegacyUser

Hi op,

Just wanted to offer my story as I thought it might help.

4 years ago I dated a girl for 8 months. At first everything seemed fantastic, but overtime I learned she was a compulsive liar, pathological manipulator and borderline sociopath. I won't get into the details of exactly what happened between us but she tore my heart out, completely destroyed my trust in humanity and left me neurotic, paranoid and unable to commit to any level of intimacy with any future relationship.

I haven't been in a relationship worth noting since and any girl I've tried to commit to I've ended up treating horribly because of my issues relating to my ex.

Recently I have met the most amazing girl, whom I fell for pretty much instantly. However I still can't stop myself projecting the image of my ex onto her even though the 2 of them share nothing in common.

My psychologist tells me that if I don't learn to deal with the issues relating to my ex I will never be able to have a proper relationship with any girl ever again and this truely terrifies me.

The only advice I can give you is to try as hard as you can to move on. It's perfectly okay to be cautious with your trust, but be very careful not to become neurotic.
Sometimes people put their trust in others too easily -before they truely get to know the person in question. Put your CONFIDENCE in your new boyfriend first. Over time, when you become CONFIDENT that he is a good guy and not like your ex then you can put your trust in him.

But please do not allow any future relationships to be jeopardised by issues pertaining to your ex. I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience, and that he turned out to be such an a**hole, but he was ONE man and it was ONE bad relationship.

There are a million other guys out there, and yes maybe some of them will be like your ex, but now you are better equipped to spot them, and stronger to walk away from them.

Hope this rant helped!

LegacyUser

destroyedbyex wrote: »

Hi op,

Just wanted to offer my story as I thought it might help.

4 years ago I dated a girl for 8 months. At first everything seemed fantastic, but overtime I learned she was a compulsive liar, pathological manipulator and borderline sociopath. I won't get into the details of exactly what happened between us but she tore my heart out, completely destroyed my trust in humanity and left me neurotic, paranoid and unable to commit to any level of intimacy with any future relationship.

I haven't been in a relationship worth noting since and any girl I've tried to commit to I've ended up treating horribly because of my issues relating to my ex.

Recently I have met the most amazing girl, whom I fell for pretty much instantly. However I still can't stop myself projecting the image of my ex onto her even though the 2 of them share nothing in common.

My psychologist tells me that if I don't learn to deal with the issues relating to my ex I will never be able to have a proper relationship with any girl ever again and this truely terrifies me.

The only advice I can give you is to try as hard as you can to move on. It's perfectly okay to be cautious with your trust, but be very careful not to become neurotic.
Sometimes people put their trust in others too easily -before they truely get to know the person in question. Put your CONFIDENCE in your new boyfriend first. Over time, when you become CONFIDENT that he is a good guy and not like your ex then you can put your trust in him.

But please do not allow any future relationships to be jeopardised by issues pertaining to your ex. I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience, and that he turned out to be such an a**hole, but he was ONE man and it was ONE bad relationship.

There are a million other guys out there, and yes maybe some of them will be like your ex, but now you are better equipped to spot them, and stronger to walk away from them.

Hope this rant helped!

Im so sorry your ex did this to you..

I feel so silly sometimes. In conversations, I contribute an example of how my ex treated me and Im reminded how short the relationship was. I know its silly to still be upset months on but I guess thats how hurtful he was. I recently found out he is doing the rounds of my town atm with the town "bikes". It makes me sick to think I was associated with him...
It is hard. That guy was my first kinda real date experience and he treated me like dirt. Even went as far to disgrace me on his FB alluring to the fact I wouldnt put out. (trying not to write or think what he said, but needless to say, it was in the top news feed for the night)
I guess the thing that really scared me was the falsehood of being geniune. I honestly thought, he was falling for me. From meeting the family to other things. But then after that, he'd do something which was even more extreme!

Disheartening. Im trying to be cooler with my new guy and we're getting along fine. I just hope we can be good to eachother and realise our full potential as a couple. In other words, just going with the flow and seeing what happens.....

LegacyUser

Don't feel silly. The length of time you were with the guy is irrelevant, it's the damage done which is the issue. I was only with my ex for 8 months (which for ME is a very short length of time) but she had the biggest impact on my life compared to other girlfriends, unfortunately because it was all negative.

Just be glad you got out of the relationship before it developed any further and that you were strong enough to walk away.

I wish you the best of luck with yer new fella, hopefully things work out for the both of you, and just remember - try not to dwell on the past!