How to leave a toxc relationship

LegacyUser

It has taken me weeks to sit down and write this post. Firstly I haven’t had the energy and secondly I could only imagine what the contributors to this forum would think of such a weak minded individual like me.

All my life I have been surrounded with domineering people whether it is family or friends. I have always second guessed myself, asked other peoples opinions on things. I never felt my opinion was valid in anyway. I had a general sense that I am nothing more than a stupid being.

I met a good man when I was in my early forties. The relationship was good at the start. I really felt like I had fallen on my feet and my confidence scored. He encouraged me in areas I have never been encouraged before; from work to contentment in my life.

Two years into the relationship I met an ex partner of his who told me that he was seeing somebody else and that he has never been faithful to one woman. I confronted him and he told me that it was true and that he meets up with other women.

I was dumbfounded; shocked to the core. He told me he loved me and that if I was anti what he did then I should leave him; as this was his way of life and he wouldn’t stop.

I stupidly stead. I’m in my fifties now. He has other women, doesn’t sleep with me but provides everything else in my life. I have no income because I don’t work and do not claim benefits.

I now want a way out. I want this cycle to end but if I leave him I have no money, no nothing. I haven’t left the apartment in days because I get panic attacks.

A few weeks ago I got a job interview but had to turn back home because I could feel a panic attack coming on. He has tried encouraging me to find work but I have become terrified of the unknown.

I have no more drive to succeed I am merely existing. I have been living in a bubble for the past years and do not know how to break from it.

I understand that I am fully to blame.

Magicmatilda

Firstly well done on taking the action of posting. I can only imagine how your feel. Firstly I would suggest you go to your doctor regarding the panic attacks. You say this man is a good man and provides everything for you so I assume he will pay for the doctors visit. Next you need to go to your local citizens information or call them and find out what benefits you are entitled to and start claiming them. You are not helping anybody, least yourself by not claiming your entitlements. Also depending on where you are based there may be low cost/free counselling in your area, I would strongly recommend you attend. Your doctor may be able to refer you. This will help you get the strength to make what decisisons you need to make.

You don't say whether or not you are happy in your relationship. The fact that your partner sees other women would not be a problem in itself if you are OK with it, people have all sorts of unconventional relationships. however if this is the cause of your peoblems then obviousely you will need to consider leaving. How is your relationship with this man now? Is he still a good man? can you talk to him?

Miss Fluff

What has changed? What has brought about this change in you and the desire to put a stop to it?

Two years into the relationship you discovered what he was like and agreed to let him continue with his extra curricular affairs. I presume you have been living like this for maybe 10-12 years and this has been the status quo for the duration of that time.

Why now?

LegacyUser

I feel this latest women he is seeing is becoming a bit more than the usual fling. He has attended gatherings with her family etc. He would never have done this before. I know I'm not ancient but I'm no spring chicken either and feel my life is going further down the tubes.

I feel a light has just gone off in my head and I can no longer accept such a dysfunctional situation. I've had my fill of it and can honestly take no more.

I have no problems talking to him but when I make attempts to leave he starts crying and begging me to stay and then the cycle continues again.

It takes me hours to leave the apartment to do a basic chore like paying a bill because I start sweating and my heart starts pounding. I have virtually become a prisioner within myself.

Thank you for both replies. I will contact Citizens immediately.

Magicmatilda

There is a book called "when panic attacks". Not sure of the author but you should get it online. It might help with the panic attacks. I think they seem to be the immediate problem so maybe focus on trying to deal with that first. As I said try and get to the doc or get the doc out to you. Most will do call outs.

LegacyUser

First of all you have to remind yourself that it's not you who is to blame for this. It's nothing you've done wrong and there's no shame involved in leaving a relationship which doesn't work. Your panic attacks are worrying and I agree with previous posters, please see the GP about these and don't hide anything from your GP, be honest about your personal circumstances. Remember your GP is there to help you with all conditions which impact on your general health, even stress related problems.

Posting here should be seen as the beginning of something new in your life. You need to have a plan on how to move forward, how to take baby steps towards a better future. That future could mean staying put for a while longer in order to find your feet and re-establish your self esteem, or it could mean running. Whatever you do you'll have to re-establish your position within the relationship, take control. As painful as this may be you may have to confront the situation, accept that he won't change but put some agreement in place....a legal agreement....whereby you have a financial safety net. It sounds like he doesn't want you to leave so he may be willing to see a solicitor with you and draw up some agreement.
You should also seek the advice of the Citizens Advice (or whatever they're called now) and see where you stand legally since you've lived together for such a long time....get this information before asking him to draw up a contract with a solicitor.

Your contract may permit him to behave as he likes but at least you can safeguard your own future financially if you're willing to tolerate his behaviour......otherwise ensure you have a good escape clause to ensure you are provided for.

Remember, losing confidence and having panic attacks is what most people would experience in your situation so don't consider yourself to be unusual in any way, you're a strong woman to have put up with this and you have my best wishes in sorting out your future!

Miss Fluff

FionaY wrote: »

I feel this latest women he is seeing is becoming a bit more than the usual fling. He has attended gatherings with her family etc. He would never have done this before.

Have you spoken to him about this? You're in an open relationship to all intents and purposes but does he know how hurtful youre finding this?

WANTStoWORK

Honest to God my heart goes out to you, can you not confide in a friend or family member? This lad obviously wants butter on both sides, make an appointment with your GP, they will advise you on your panic attacks etc. I had them a few years ago and now have them under control, Google panic attacks and that will give you an insight about what to do.

After you have your panic attacks sorted pack your bag once and once only and leave this guy, start a new page and get on with your own life... best of luck.