Dad is getting married..

LittleMissLost

I'm 19. My dad has been seeing this woman "Kate" for the past 8 years. I've never had a problem with her, she has always been civil to me although she is very distant. I think that might just be her personality. In 8 years we have never gone beyond small talk even though I have had a rough time at home with my mum being mentally ill etc..

Dad and Kate had a baby girl together (my half-sister) 3 years ago and I love her to peices.

Dad asked Kate to marry him recently and they are planning the wedding. I feel really excluded and want to know if I'm being rational or not.

I wasn't invited to the hen-party (which is just a day trip to a spa). I was invited to the wedding without a plus one. My little sister is going to be a bridesmaid and I wasn't asked to be. I sing at weddings sometimes and Kate didn't ask me to sing at hers, instead, she's hiring someone to sing. I also play piano and have a piece I learned and played for dad a few months ago and he said he'd mention it to Kate that he'd like me to play it at the wedding. I've heard nothing back which I'm taking as a sign she doesn't want me playing.

I just feel she's being really insensitive and I don't know whether I have the right to be a little upset about it? Don't get me wrong, it's not my biggest of worries but do you think I should approach her about it or just pass it off?

Taltos

This is a tough one - on the one hand I can see where you are coming from - but on another - look at it from her side - this is her day...
Ideally this will be for life for her - and she has an idealized image in her head of how that should be.

In terms of the hen - if you two are just civil with small talk then no - I don't think that you should have been invited. The hen is her last "free" night out with her closest friends - and you have already described your relationship as far from that.

In terms of singing/piano - again - her day and yes your fathers but again why not let her have the day she wants.

However - the plus one - do you have a partner to bring? If you do then definitely mention it, if not - then they might have assumed that since you are not seeing anyone no harm. But - there should be no problem is just asking "hey guys, I see from my invite there is no plus one but I really want XXX to come with me - hope that is OK".

There could be a range of things driving all this from her side, who knows maybe she is the jealous type and each time she looks at you she is reminded of his ex, but I think the best thing you can do is just be really happy for them - and show it constantly... Basically let her feel how happy you are for them both - even if you are not overwhelmed... Do what you can to help - but if your offers are not picked up then maybe just let them get on with it.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I agree with Sunflower, it doesn't seem that either you or Kate have made an effort to get to know each other. Maybe try opening up to her a wee bit. I understand that it's hard but give it a try and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Best of luck.

LittleMissLost

Taltos wrote: »

This is a tough one - on the one hand I can see where you are coming from - but on another - look at it from her side - this is her day...
Ideally this will be for life for her - and she has an idealized image in her head of how that should be.

In terms of the hen - if you two are just civil with small talk then no - I don't think that you should have been invited. The hen is her last "free" night out with her closest friends - and you have already described your relationship as far from that.

In terms of singing/piano - again - her day and yes your fathers but again why not let her have the day she wants.

However - the plus one - do you have a partner to bring? If you do then definitely mention it, if not - then they might have assumed that since you are not seeing anyone no harm. But - there should be no problem is just asking "hey guys, I see from my invite there is no plus one but I really want XXX to come with me - hope that is OK".

There could be a range of things driving all this from her side, who knows maybe she is the jealous type and each time she looks at you she is reminded of his ex, but I think the best thing you can do is just be really happy for them - and show it constantly... Basically let her feel how happy you are for them both - even if you are not overwhelmed... Do what you can to help - but if your offers are not picked up then maybe just let them get on with it.

The only reason we have never gone beyond small talk is because she refuses to. I have tried to get to know her, tried to open up to her over the years but she's having none of it. I've never ever been rude to her and always play by her rules when I visit, but I think the fact that she is going to be my step mother means we should have a closer relationship?

I don't have a plus one exclusively (long story :cool: ) but there is someone I could ask to bring.

How about not being asked to be a bridesmaid? Is that me over reacting?

sunflower27 wrote: »

Agree with Taltos, it is a tough one.

Can I ask why you didn't ask kate yourself about playing the piano at the wedding? Why did you need to go through your dad? There is no reason why you couldn't have asked her yourself.

Personally, if I was you I would also be hurt about the hen party but then if you are not close she possibly thought it wouldn't be your thing anyway and was all about her close friends.

It sounds as if you have reached a stalemate after all these years and neither of you make that much effort to talk to each other.

Next time you see her, why not ask her about playing at the wedding and say how much it would mean to you to be a part of the wedding in that way.

Good luck.

I didn't ask Kate about playing the piano because that wasn't my intention when I played the piece for dad. I played it for him and he said that he'd mention it to Kate about me playing it at the wedding. It was his idea but obviously she's not too keen on it. I just feel really excluded you know?

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I agree with Sunflower, it doesn't seem that either you or Kate have made an effort to get to know each other. Maybe try opening up to her a wee bit. I understand that it's hard but give it a try and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Best of luck.

I have made a huge effort to get to know Kate. I really dislike some of her personality traits but I've never ever shown it. I've always been polite and mannerly even when I feel completely unwanted.

For example when my baby sister was born I bought her a little teddy on the day she was born, something she could keep, you know? I was over a few months after and asked where it was, Kate had thrown it in the bin because the baby "got sick on it". I've bought my sister clothes and been over months after only to find them still hanging in the wardrobe with the tags still on them and too small on her. She seems not to want me to be part of thier cosy little life and I find it hurtful. If I go over to the house and clean up after dinner, she will come behind me with a cloth re-cleaning the things I have already cleaned. This písses me off to no extent but again, I have never shown it.

Whenever I've said to any of my friends/family about not being asked to be a bridesmaid they have all agreed it was really insensitive

Magicmatilda

Of course your friends and family will agree with you. They will always agree.

Kate has probably dreamed about her wedding for years and has lined up in her head who her bridesmaids are. She may have sisters or close friends that she wants and that is her perogative. I'm not sure I would have my partners child as a bridesmaid.Come to think of it I would expect your dad to have you as best woman or grooms woman before I would expect kate to have you as brisdesmaid.

That said if I were in her shoes I would want to make you feel included so I would get you to do a reading or play your piece or something. You are the grooms daughter and therefore an inportant person in his life.

You have obviousely been feeling left out of their family for years so its about time you spoke up. Tell your dad how you feel, not in a blaming way but just tell him you feel excluded from his new family. He should talk to Kate or at least sit down with you both. You are a young adult so you are not likely to be in her way, you have your own live to live now, maybe she doesn't realise this. Tell her you would like to try and be friends for the sake of your dad and your sister. It is of course possible that she just wants to ignore the fact that you exist. In that case there is not much you can do but i would lose respect for your dad if that's the case. You are his daughter and he should be putting his foot down here.

Lollipops23

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Kate has probably dreamed about her wedding for years and has lined up in her head who her bridesmaids are. She may have sisters or close friends that she wants and that is her perogative. I'm not sure I would have my partners child as a bridesmaid.Come to think of it I would expect your dad to have you as best woman or grooms woman before I would expect kate to have you as brisdesmaid.

OP mentioned that her other sister was asked.

As someone who has been to both her parents' weddings, I can totally understand where OP is coming from- granted, I was 12 at both, and they made an extra effort to include me in proceedings. I was bridesmaid at both and in general was involved-went dress shopping with them, helped post invites etc. My step mam made sure I knew I was part of her wedding party, barely even saw my dad on the day!

I think it's really important to be included (if you want to be). Yes she's marrying your dad and not you, but you're part of his past whether she likes it or not.
Perhaps she does pick up on you not liking her, but she's meant to be the bigger person here- you're being civil, so should she. By freezing you out (which she is doing), she's being a total bítch.

LegacyUser

Perhaps Kate sees you as part of his family rather than hers, like an in-law rather than a daughter - I know some people ask their fiance's sister to be bridesmaid and stuff, but others don't get on with the inlaws at all.

Another thing, is she much older than you? Perhaps she feels you're the wrong age to be invited to her hen party - if everyone else is 30s and 40s she may feel that you wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

Keep being polite and friendly to her, you'll never regret trying to be part of your Dad's family.

Taltos

OP - this is one conversation you need to have with both your dad and soon to be step-mom.

Who knows it could all be jealousy on her side. Maybe when she sees you she is reminded that the "love of her life" was the love of someone elses life before her and she cannot cope with that. Or maybe when she first met him you were not as careful as you are now and she cannot forget that. Or who knows maybe she can tell that you really just are not that fond of her - folk can tell you know.

Talk to them both though - keep stressing how excited about the day you are but that you had hoped to be a bit more involved than being another guest...

Be prepared OP - she might just not like you at all and in that case having as little to do with her as possible might be the only way to go...

Magicmatilda

I was under the impression that the sister who was bridesmaid was her little 3 year old sister who was a flowergirl. OP maybe you could clarify that. If you dad has 2 daugters from a previous relationship i.e. you and a sister then I can't understand how you would be treated differently.

evry1sm8

I have to say, my opinion on this is a little different from the above posters.
I think that as the older adult in this situation, the woman marrying the OP's dad should be making every effort to make sure the step daughter is included.
If I was the OP I would feel hurt and left out as well.
Yes Kate has probably been dreaming of her big day for years, but the fact is that she has chosen to marry this man and he already comes with a daughter, she should be making absolutely sure to respect her feelings in this union too.
Someone mentioned that she is part of the mans past, but she will always be part of his future too, so whether Kate likes it or not the OP is going to be a part of their lives and she should be behaving more maturely IMO.
If I was in love with a man and getting married to him, and he had a daughter from a previous relationship, I know I would try to hard to be as close to her as was possible for us both (as much as she liked or was comfortable with) and would make sure our wedding included her as a special person in as many ways as I could, out of respect for the man I loved, and because that girl is soon to be my daughter-in-law.
I dont know how this "Kate" can be like this to the OP.
If it were me, whether I got the impression that the girl disliked me or not, I would brush it off and keep trying to get on with her because I'm the older person, the supposed more mature adult, and the one marrying the father of the situation so I'd try to take on a demonstrative role myself rather then thinking "well she's made out like she doesnt like me, so I'm just going to ignore her or leave her out". Thats not how a mature adult behaves. And even though she may not be a blood daughter, id still see myself as becoming part of a married unit that is her "parents" if you know what I mean?
Id try to take on that responsibility.
Anyway this is just my opinion OP, and I dont think you should be made feel as left out as you have.
Why couldnt Kate even sit and talk to her and explain to her this is why I havent asked you to do X,Y&Z, wouldnt that be more sensitive to the girls feelings if she REALLY was that specific about her big day not including certain things? I just dont think its very mature when there's a 19 year old daughter in the picture to just leave her out and not even discuss it with her.
And as a final note, yes it is her big day, but its also the mans!! And this is his daughter, so I do think she should have been included as a bridesmaid.

Lollipops23

evry1sm8 wrote: »

I have to say, my opinion on this is a little different from the above posters.
I think that as the older adult in this situation, the woman marrying the OP's dad should be making every effort to make sure the step daughter is included.
If I was the OP I would feel hurt and left out as well.
Yes Kate has probably been dreaming of her big day for years, but the fact is that she has chosen to marry this man and he already comes with a daughter, she should be making absolutely sure to respect her feelings in this union too.
Someone mentioned that she is part of the mans past, but she will always be part of his future too, so whether Kate likes it or not the OP is going to be a part of their lives and she should be behaving more maturely IMO.
If I was in love with a man and getting married to him, and he had a daughter from a previous relationship, I know I would try to hard to be as close to her as was possible for us both (as much as she liked or was comfortable with) and would make sure our wedding included her as a special person in as many ways as I could, out of respect for the man I loved, and because that girl is soon to be my daughter-in-law.
I dont know how this "Kate" can be like this to the OP.
If it were me, whether I got the impression that the girl disliked me or not, I would brush it off and keep trying to get on with her because I'm the older person, the supposed more mature adult, and the one marrying the father of the situation so I'd try to take on a demonstrative role myself rather then thinking "well she's made out like she doesnt like me, so I'm just going to ignore her or leave her out". Thats not how a mature adult behaves. And even though she may not be a blood daughter, id still see myself as becoming part of a married unit that is her "parents" if you know what I mean?
Id try to take on that responsibility.
Anyway this is just my opinion OP, and I dont think you should be made feel as left out as you have.
Why couldnt Kate even sit and talk to her and explain to her this is why I havent asked you to do X,Y&Z, wouldnt that be more sensitive to the girls feelings if she REALLY was that specific about her big day not including certain things? I just dont think its very mature when there's a 19 year old daughter in the picture to just leave her out and not even discuss it with her.
And as a final note, yes it is her big day, but its also the mans!! And this is his daughter, so I do think she should have been included as a bridesmaid.

This is exactly what I was getting at- Sunflower27, as Kate is the "adult" (yes I know OP is 19) in the situation, she should be at least explaining to her why she's being totally left out of the wedding.
I do agree though, that her Dad appears very passive about it all. I know my own Dad would have been very insistent I took part in some way. She just has to make her peace with the fact that as his daughter, you will always be a top priority in his life (as will the little un).

Lollipops23

sunflower27 wrote: »

OP, I am not saying you are being totally disrepectful. Maybe Kate is a nightmare, I am just saying if, after 8 years she has picked up you don't really like her she is probably worried you may put a dampener on her Big Day, that's all.

Fair points Sunflower27-however, if this is the case then holding an 11 year old's feelings over the OP (the age she was when Kate came on the scene) is really unfair. As we all know, teenage girls can be unreasonable demons at the best of times, but I don't think it's fair to hold it over them forever more, especially when they try to make nice and make the effort.

Also, if this really is a strained relationship and she has issues with her step daughter then a "dampner" on her wedding day really is the least of her worries.

LegacyUser

When I read the OP's post, it reminded me of one of my best friends, "Lisa". Lisa's father remarried recently and she's got a similar sounding relationship with her stepmother. They're polite to each other but that's as far as it goes. There's no particular friendship or affection there. Lisa has tried to get to know her over the years but to no avail. At this stage she has accepted that this is the way things are going to be.

All I can suggest to the OP is to try again to extend the hand of friendship to Kate. I'm not surprised she didn't get invited to the hen, seeing as they're not close. Would she really want to have gone just because Kate felt obliged to invite her? It is sad that she's not been given something to do at the wedding though. She's entitled to feel hurt about that and it does come across as a snub. I think she should have a chat with her dad. Not specifically about the wedding stuff but about the bigger picture. A wedding is only a day. The OP's going to have Kate in her life for a very long time yet and I think if there's any way that relationship can be fixed, it should be.

LegacyUser

take her to lunch, coffee or whatever and with the best will in the world tell her you wish her every happiness with your Dad and that you're looking forward to having some stability in your life...then give her a big hug. The ice queen will then melt because deep down inside she's probably nervous of you and how you accept her...it's not easy marrying someone with adult children because you fear they may not accept you as a replacement for their mother.

shinikins

Gosh, the only underlying resentment and hostility I can see is all coming from Kate, not the OP. She's making it very obvious that OP is not welcome in her life, and by not including her in their wedding(which to my mind is a family day, not just the bride's) she's marking her territory, and OP has been very forgiving of this.

OP if it were me in your shoes I would probably approach my father and tell him how sad it makes you feel to be left out of the wedding, and their family. Don't go digging up all the instances of when Kate was cool or offhanded with you, as that will only look like you have a bone to pick with her. If your dad goes back to her and says "Kate, we're being really unfair to LittleMissLost by not including her" she may actually sit up and take notice of the fact that she has been excluding you from their life.

Firetrap

Got to agree with the poster above me. I get the feeling Kate merely tolerates our OP because she's her fiancée's daughter and has no interest in developing any sort of friendship with her. I'm not surprised that the OP didn't get invited to the hen party seeing as they're distant. The wedding on the other hand, now that's a snub. I'm curious to know what the OP's dad has to say about all of this? Is he staying well out of things because he knows the OP and Kate don't get on?

CDfm

Hiya OP

I am a divorced Dad. My children are 18 & 21 and I met my new partner 3 years ago. I split from their Mum 16 years ago.

One word covers all this "awkward" .

My daughter entertained a friend of mine on Saturday with what she had done to previous girlfriends. Of course, lots of it was her Mum repeated etc. Now don't get hung up on that cos if you did the same you were just a kid.

The past 3 years have been fun and while my OH and my daughter aren't "besties" though the have become friends and then I can't imagine them going out on a night out together. They might quaff a glass at home. My son and my OH watch the rugby together. Hen night -nah .

So what is reasonable to expect.

It is reasonable for your stepmum to organise her own wedding. Bridesmaids etc are always a funny business that wont outshine the bride. And she will have her mother,sister's etc all making demands coming up to the wedding -so yes -it is you being over sensitive and it may be out of her control. So you need to suck that up.

On having a role, well, you need to think about them a bit try to be a bit, like do they need some babysitting coming up to the day or on the big day. Another worry might be will you dress appropriately on the day etc and wont turn up in a mini etc. Asking for an extra invite , why not ask your Dad if he would mind if you asked someone. That is reasonable but it should not be a deal breaker and the plus one should fit in.

Now you can't expect to get what you want but I suspect that what you and they really want is a drama free wedding day.

So it needs to go from awkward to supportive !!
Best of Luck

Schnooks

The main thing that jumps out at me is how Kate treated the gifts that OP bought for her new little sister. She didn't treat OP or her gifts very nicely or with the respect and gratitude they deserved - throwing out a Teddy because it got a bit of baby-sick and purposely not using clothes that she bought? That cannot be ignored or excused, and is the behaviour of someone who has no manners, is not making any effort and is doing a passive-agressive "it's my family not yours" thing to the OP.

It sounds to me like Kate has always seen OP as a threat and a competitor for Daddy's attention, most likely from day 1. And it doesn't sound like Daddy has done much of a job in trying to make sure his 1st daughter has been included in his current life. When Daddy got back on the dating scene and met Kate, the 1st thing he should have assured is that OP and Kate had some sort of friendship on some level and, if Kate made no effort, then bye bye Kate. I know that some people will never get on, and people have to accept that. But it sounds here like Kate has made a point of never trying to be friendly with OP. This is where Daddy has failed and OP as his daughter should have come 1st.

OP the fault here lies ultimately with your father. He should be looking out for you and making sure whatever partner he has ended up with fully accepts his daughter, and makes an effort with her and includes her in his new family. He has failed miserably in this respect, and the fact that things have been allowed to come to where they are now is down to the fact that he did not ensure that your needs were met and that you were included from day 1 in his new relationship.

You need to talk to him with some urgency about what you have been telling us here. I wouldnt worry too much about being involved in the wedding party, although I know it must be hard for you not to be. Basically what has now become an issue should have been nipped in the bud by him when he first met this woman.

Best of luck, hope it works out ok for you and you deserve better than this.

qwerty13

Sounds to me as though the wedding day is a reflection of the OP and Kate's past relationship. Two points there:
1) it may not seem fair, but it doesn't seem unreasonable for there not to be a complete turn about in their relationship just for the sake of the 'big day' - that would be a bit false
2) the bigger (and more important!) issue seems to be the relationship between Kate and the OP, and perhaps if steps were taken to make that a little better, then the OP would naturally be more included in the wedding ceremony

That sounds like I mean the frosty relationship is all the OP's fault - I don't. I just mean that I'm sure it was a difficult thing to get used to on both sides, and as someone else pointed out, unfailing politeness does not necessarily come across as unfailing niceness. I'd imagine offering to help out with practical matters in the run up to the wedding could well do more to mend the relationship than the OP going to her Dad. TBH I can only see that reinforcing the view that Kate *appears* to have.

seamus

I don't think it's fair, or possible, to dissect an 8-year relationship on the basis of a couple of posts. Particularly when one of the people involved was going through puberty. Your teenage years are the time when you are least close to your parents in your whole life. When you get into your twenties, the relationshp improves again. I can't imagine how difficult it is for a new woman to break into that hard exterior of a pubescent girl.

The fact is that at present you have a purely civil relationship with this woman, she's not your best mate. So your involvement in the wedding needs to be viewed with that in mind.

LittleMissLost wrote: »

I don't have a plus one exclusively (long story :cool: ) but there is someone I could ask to bring.

Then there's no reason why they would give you a +1. In general, very few weddings involve plus-one's anymore for two main reasons:
- Every additional head is expensive
- They don't want random strangers at their wedding

Don't take it personally. They didn't give you a plus-one because you don't have a plus-one If you had an established boyfriend, he would be invited.

If you have someone that you really want to bring (as opposed to someone you could bring), then say it to your Dad and ask if you can bring him/her. Otherwise remember that your Dad's family will be there, so you don't need to bring anyone for company.

How about not being asked to be a bridesmaid? Is that me over reacting?

As others have said, I'm not clear if the other sister who's a bridesmaid is your step-sister or your mother's daughter. If it's your step-sister, then I'm assuming she's a flowergirl. And yes, it would be odd for you to automatically be a bridesmaid unless you got on really well with the bride. However, it would be very bad form for your father to completely disconnect you from the bridal party, especially if the "rest" of the family are part of it.
If this is the case, speak to your father and tell him that you feel like you're being excluded from the wedding.

I didn't ask Kate about playing the piano because that wasn't my intention when I played the piece for dad. I played it for him and he said that he'd mention it to Kate about me playing it at the wedding. It was his idea but obviously she's not too keen on it. I just feel really excluded you know?

Or maybe it just doesn't fit. People can be funny about the arrangement of their wedding. She might be envisioning soft flute instrumentals and harp music. A piano would be a departure from this. Some people are very picky about it, it's most likely not a personal thing.
There could also be other reasons - my brother is paying for music at his wedding when he knows my wife & I would play, because he has specifically said that he doesn't believe that family should be asked to "work" at weddings for free (even if they offer).

Whenever I've said to any of my friends/family about not being asked to be a bridesmaid they have all agreed it was really insensitive

Well of course they agree. Your friends are 19, they will always agree with everything that you say when you're bitching about your Dad's girlfriend. They don't have the self-confidence yet to tell you if they think you're wrong.

CDfm

+1 Seamus.

And my OH reminded me of something last night when my daughter and her had been to get their nails done and the following week they had planned a trip for bra fittings, her Ma stepped in and whisked the girl to Debenhams.

So Kate's reserve may very well be stepping aside at times and is the ettiquette of being a step mom and your Dad's the ettiquette of being an ex husband and probably being more hands off than they would have prefered.

Does any of this seem familiar.

Kate and your Dad may have navigated some tricky waters and may even have delayed the wedding until you turned 18. Seems likely to me.

I spent time bobing and weaving between my kids and partner to get to this stage. I still do.

Maybe your concern should be how can you make the day special for your Dad and try to put him first as it is his wedding , and, maybe that is the discussion you should be having .

And, the obligation you have OP is to make your Dad's wedding day as happy as possible.Have you had that discussion ???

Neyite

Is it possible that Kate is not involving you to be diplomatic towards your mother?
Is there a strained relationship between your mum and Kate that she thinks will kick off rows?

OP, Tradition is that the bride asks women on her side of the family to be bridesmaids, if there are enough females. I was a bridesmaid for my brothers wedding but only really to make up the numbers as the bride didnt have enough close female relatives.