Am I expected to go on the stag

LegacyUser

A friend of mine is getting married next year i was asked to be a groomesman which is great. I was hoping I wouldnt be asked to be best man as after doing it twice before for other friends it was more hassle than anything not in a bad way but between organising stags and the speech etc it can invlove a lot of and with 3 small kids i barely have time to do the garden these days.
My friends stag is planned for a couple of weeks before xmas. Its for 2 nights over in England. Im reluctant to go for a number of reasons timing wise its terrible .

2 Weeks before xmas is a very expensive time in my house as you can guess add to that the week after the stag my wife is 30 so again another expense with one of the kids having a birthday days later too. Recently had to spend the majority of our savings on house renovations due to the growing family.

If I am to go on the stag im going to spend at least €500 maybe between flights accomadation and spending money.I cant justify that at a time of year when I have always put the focus on the kids.

Im pretty close to telling my mate that I cant go and explaining why. If i wasnt groomesman it would be easier but i feel a duty (but not that much!!) to go. I was thinking of saying to him that if he wants to ask one of the other lads to be groomsmen in the circumstances i understand.

What do people think?

Little Miss Lady

If you haven't got the money, don't go.
You seem to have an awful lot on, you're mate should understand.
I think in this day and age being automatically expected to attend stags, hens, weddings or whatever away is a bit much.

Tell your mate you'll be happy to go out for a lads night out another time.
He should understand.

OS119

stagdilema wrote: »

...What do people think?

simple. if your mate knows you have three kids and wants you spend €500 on an away weekend two weeks before Christmas then he isn't much of a mate, and you shouldn't trouble your conscious telling him that you can't go due to the time of year.

if he's a big enough boy to get married, he's a big enough boy to understand that his friends lives don't revolve around him.

lazygal

No, you don't have to go.

I personally think a lot of the weekends away for stag and hen parties are beyond silly and far too extravagant, as well as not necessary at all. If you don't have the money for this kind of indulgence, which is what it is, you should feel under NO obligation to go,

Tricia1

Don't go- do what you're more comfortable doing.

Surely your friend will realise that a lot of people are under pressure money-wise, job-wise, kids-wise.

He'll know things are hard. I'd have a quiet word one-to-one, he's not going to hit you for letting him know.

BattleCorp

If your mate is a true mate, he should understand that you aren't Bill Gates and that your family have to come first.

ChattyChick

Definitely tell your mate you can't go and why. Seriously...when it comes to weddings, men are WAY MORE REASONABLE than women (and that's coming from a woman!) Your friend is going to be cool with it and no doubt wouldn't want you to be stressed about it at all.

calex71

Wow, if he truly is a mate then he would totally understand what you outlined in the original post and be totally disgusted if you put yourself over a barrel financially for a stag when you have more pressing concerns.

The only way I'd be annoyed in that situation if I was the groom is if you didn't tell me about your concerns or if you left it soon before the event to say it

LegacyUser

I've refused to go on all foreign stags.

Apart from not wanting to waste money which I can put towards a holiday for myself, I just don't enjoy spending that much company with a bunch of mates.

elbee

I'm sure he'll understand if you tell him. If he doesn't get that family comes first, then I suggest instead of going on the stag you invite his poor wife-to-be over for dinner and commiserate with her while he's away

Joking aside, I'm sure he'll understand that people with kids simply do not have money to spare around Christmas. I'm childless and unmarried and it doesn't take a lot of working out!

LegacyUser

cheers for all the replies , ill have a chat with him as soon as I can explaining I cant go.

Should I bother saying that he's free to get someone to replace me as groomesman or just leave it.

solovely

I'm sure he will understand as other people have said. But just be very careful how you phrase it. People (except for those on the dole who genuinely can't) who say they "can't afford" stuff really bug me, as it's not that they genuinely can't afford stuff, it's that they have other financial priorities which come above this one. It's different!!

But just a couple of questions in case he's not as accepting as you'd like him to be. What did you do for your stag? Did it involve much expense at the time? Remember it can be frustrating for single friends or the last to get married friends, who have spent years giving both money and time to other people's stags/ hens, weddings, baby presents, communions, etc. to be told when it's there turn that people can't afford, can't attend, etc. due to family commitments.

My advice would be to have a quiet word with him, say that due to the timing and other financial constraints you don't think you'll be able to make it. Suggest that maybe other people are feeling the same. Then suggest an Irish version of the stag, even a lads poker night in, or a few drinks down the local, nothing too expensive, but something to show that he is still a big priority. Offer to organise it. Even though he'll know it's true, you don't need to say that family comes first, you need to show him you are still very honoured and privileged to be a groomsman (even if you aren't) and that you will make it up to him in other ways.

LegacyUser

stagdilema wrote: »

cheers for all the replies , ill have a chat with him as soon as I can explaining I cant go.

Should I bother saying that he's free to get someone to replace me as groomesman or just leave it.

Leave it I'd say.

BnB

Hi OP

Just a slightly different view to other people...

Firstly, to answer your direct question, I don't think you HAVE to go. Lads are usually easy goin' about these things. I'm sure your friend will understand.

However, I think you should go for yourself. I'm sure with 3 kids you don't get out much. (I have 4 kids). I know you can't drop everything and just head out every second night. But it is a good friends stag. So I am sure you know a lot of the lads going. It'll be a great weekend. I think you should make the effort to go. Life is too short.

Resi12

No, if you really don't have the money just say no. He will live, it's only a night out and I am sure you can make up for it eventually.

Chill, you'll be fine.

LegacyUser

To answer solovely questions.
When we got married my wife to be was expecting so we decided at short notice to get married over in New York we had a wedding meal on the day we returned from New York for family and friends we had a great time, everyone commented on how great it was. So for my stag I literally had weeks to sort something so we done a pub crawl around dublin so there no hassle involved my friend was living away at the time so he couldnt make it naturally enough. So it can never be said I put others through expense then didnt reciprocate when it was there turn.
To be honest when there has been stags got other friends before he has often just gone for the one night instead of two.

BNB: i take your point about going for myself but the greatest joy i get out of life is spending time with my kids so i dont feel i need a break

LegacyUser

Agree with everyone saying you shouldn't go if you don't want to/can't afford it, but it seems like you feel a little bad about it? Maybe offer to take your mate out for a nice meal or pay for the two of you to go to a gig or something, might make both of you feel better about the situation.

solovely

stagdilema wrote: »

To answer solovely questions.
When we got married my wife to be was expecting so we decided at short notice to get married over in New York we had a wedding meal on the day we returned from New York for family and friends we had a great time, everyone commented on how great it was. So for my stag I literally had weeks to sort something so we done a pub crawl around dublin so there no hassle involved my friend was living away at the time so he couldnt make it naturally enough. So it can never be said I put others through expense then didnt reciprocate when it was there turn.

Cool!

To be honest, I was more making the point that it can be a let down to the last in the gang to get married when their married friends put their families ahead of them all the time. That's all. So maybe, as other posters have suggested don't blurt out

stagdilema wrote: »

the greatest joy i get out of life is spending time with my kids so i dont feel i need a break

as this could feel like a real snub.

We all need variety in our lives, and just cos kids and family bring the greatest happiness doesn't mean that a weekend away with the lads won't do you good, make you feel great, and show what a great firend and rounded person you are! However, I know that's not the issue here, money is.

So, as I, and other people suggested, maybe offer to bring him out for another night in Ireland to show him how much you value his friendship and show him how honoured you are to be considered a key person in his life, and to show him, that just cos you have a family, friends are still important!