LDR, no contact from boyfriend on my birthday :(

LegacyUser

I’m finding my long-distance relationship a bit trying recently. We live on separate continents and only see each other every few months; there is no obvious end to this in sight, as we got together in college (over four years ago) and are both settling into our respective careers. To stay together, I will probably have to move to live with him at some vague point in the future.

He isn’t the best at contact, but I have got used to this; he often works in fairly remote areas without internet access. However, he didn’t contact me on my birthday last week, and I’m feeling quite miffed about it. I was on a long-haul flight for much of the day as I was travelling for work, but still feel that he could have texted/emailed/left a voicemail; he doesn’t see the problem, as he didn’t ‘forget’ my birthday as such – we were talking the day before on gmail chat and he wished me a happy birthday then. Am I being childish, putting so much importance in one day of the year when I’m old enough that it really shouldn’t be a big deal, or am I right to be a bit annoyed at his lack of effort? It wasn’t as if he was in the middle of nowhere with no internet on the day itself, and I know he was online because he posted on a mutual friend’s Facebook wall.

I think I’m just sick of the lack of contact. It was my birthday a week ago, and I’ve only heard from him twice since then – a text on Wednesday, in reply to a message from me asking why he hadn’t contacted me on my birthday, and another text on Friday (also in direct response to one I’d sent). I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t even know what’s going on in my life anymore. I know he is busy in work and it’s a stressful job, but I’m getting more and more annoyed at the situation and I feel like anytime we do talk it’s me nagging him about the lack of contact. I’ve had a really tough time recently for various reasons, and he barely knows anything about it. What can I do about this, short of stapling his phone to his hand?

Oryx

Can I ask an obvious question? What do you get from this relationship that makes you hang on with so little contact? I know ldrs are difficult but generally people stick with them because the other person means so much they would rather put up with the hassle than not have their oh in their life. And because of that you both make an effort to keep the relationship going, and stay in touch. It does sound like you are the only one doing that here, or that the relationship is losing itself/fizzling out because of the lack of proper contact. Hence his no show on your birthday.

I dont actually think the birthday is a big deal, he said Happy Birthday to you. But I would see it as symptomatic of the problems the distance is creating. For him, he is losing touch with your life and you are less a part of his, for you, you are trying to keep the flame alive but its frustrating you.

I think your complaint has more to do with your frustration at the whole situation than the lack of birthday wishes.

Zen65

forgottenbirthday wrote: »

I think I’m just sick of the lack of contact.

Is this the man you want to settle down with in the long-term? The guy you want to have children with (if you want children at all) and raise together in a home?

If you are sure he is the one, then you need to find ways of keeping in more regular contact. I suspect that like many men he does not using the phone, so you would need to persuade him to Skype him, maybe even indulge yourselves in Skype-sex (I made up that word, I think, but you know what I mean by it I hope!) in order to encourage him to call more regularly.... That approach needs a little care to ensure you don't simply become each other's booty call.

If this is just a good relationship, maybe it's time to call it a day. It would be a shame to wake up in 5 years' time and realise you need to end it, having wasted some of your best years living as a celibate in order to maintain this LDR.


Be at peace,


Z

lazygal

No one is too busy to take ten minutes and call you on your birthday.

I was going out with a guy and he forgot to contact me on my birthday. It wasn't a long term or long distance relationship, but still hurt a lot. Like you, I rationalized that he had a busy job, long hours, blah, blah, blah. Bottom line, I know this sounds harsh, he doesn't care about you enough to make this kind of thing a priority.

My husband has never, ever forgotten our anniversary, my birthday, valentines day etc because he knows I put a lot of store in these things. Likewise, things that are important to him I put a lot of effort into.

This guy doesn't sound like a satisfying partner.

elbee

OP, when did he last demonstrate that he wanted to contact you?

The keyword there is 'want.' When was the last non-prearranged conversation and the last text that he initiated?

If he's not demonstrating that he wants you in his life, he either needs to start doing it, or you need to consider if it's worth sacrificing any more time for someone that you have to assume likes you, because he's not showing it.

Hope it all works out for you.

baby and crumble

My relationship was long distance for 18 months, and I'm about to head into another 3- and TBH OP I couldn't imagine only talking to my GF twice a week! Especially if both are only by text! When we're apart we like to kind of 'keep an open line' as it were via text or gchat, and generally skype 3 or 4 times a week.

My gut reaction here is that he's not as invested as you in the relationship, hard as it is to hear. You shouldn't have to badger your partner to want to talk to you. There's something bigger going on here, and you need to have a proper, face to face talk about it, or at least lay everything out in an email, and then actually call him to talk about it.

Best of luck.

easychair

baby and crumble wrote: »

My relationship was long distance for 18 months, and I'm about to head into another 3- and TBH OP I couldn't imagine only talking to my GF twice a week! Especially if both are only by text! When we're apart we like to kind of 'keep an open line' as it were via text or gchat, and generally skype 3 or 4 times a week.

My gut reaction here is that he's not as invested as you in the relationship, hard as it is to hear. You shouldn't have to badger your partner to want to talk to you. There's something bigger going on here, and you need to have a proper, face to face talk about it, or at least lay everything out in an email, and then actually call him to talk about it.

Best of luck.

I'm not sure I'd consider I had a relationship with someone who lives on a different continent, who I only see every few months, and with no plan or prospect of changing that.

I have spent periods away from my partner when we have both been based for work, one of us in Dusseldorf and the other in London. A golden rule we had was not to discuss anything by email or text, which can be so easily misunderstood, and can lead to problems. We always knew that our situation was temporary (if a year can be temporary) and we had a plan to end it and be together.

Why do you want to maintain this relationship, and where would you like it to go?

baby and crumble

easychair wrote: »

I'm not sure I'd consider I had a relationship with someone who lives on a different continent, who I only see every few months, and with no plan or prospect of changing that.

I have spent periods away from my partner when we have both been based for work, one of us in Dusseldorf and the other in London. A golden rule we had was not to discuss anything by email or text, which can be so easily misunderstood, and can lead to problems. We always knew that our situation was temporary (if a year can be temporary) and we had a plan to end it and be together.

Why do you want to maintain this relationship, and where would you like it to go?

Since you were quoting me in that reply, are you asking me?

easychair

Sorry, I meant the OP. But if you'd like to answer or contribute that would be great also.