No sex relationship

Sunshine and lollipops

I am with a guy 2 years and we live together, it was great at the start and I thought I could definitely see a future, he was a little closed off at the beginning but as time went on he got alot better at opening up, we moved out of our apartment and moved into a bigger house, we got a dog and I felt I had everything I ever wanted something stable someone I looked forward to seeing when I got home, we love eachother so much, , I have never doubted that for a second,he tells me how beautiful I am and when we go out he gets all jealous when I get attention from guys, he is very attractive and gets alot of attention but has alot of insecurities. Our main problem are things in the bedroom have slowed right down over the last 8 months and practically stopped, it was never very frequent but much more than now, I have tried to make the first move and have been given every excuse too tired, too stressed, work stress, money, stomach pain etc, I have been so hurt by this, I can't help but take this personal, it's consuming my life and it's ruining our relationship. I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him, I've suggested counselling which he wasn't happy to do, I've backed off completely and put no pressure on him and every night I go to bed with a pain in my chest and feeling lonely and unattractive.

I don't want to walk unless I know I've down everything I can because my whole world will be turned upside down, I would love to hear from women and men that may have gone through or going through similar and maybe give me some advice on what to do.

Thanks

Ickle Magoo

Have you told him the above? Does he know it's ruining your relationship and you are even considering walking?

With one party not wanting sex and the other wanting it, there are only two answers - you learn to live with the status quo, or he ups the ante.

First off, tho, you have to find out why his interest in sex has died a death and he needs to knows this is a potential deal breaker for you - so he has motivation to do something about it.

All the best.

Sunshine and lollipops

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Have you told him the above? Does he know it's ruining your relationship and you are even considering walking?

With one party not wanting sex and the other wanting it, there are only two answers - you learn to live with the status quo, or he ups the ante.

First off, tho, you have to find out why his interest in sex has died a death and he needs to knows this is a potential deal breaker for you - so he has motivation to do something about it.

All the best.

He knows how unhappy it makes me, I don't think he thinks I will actually walk though, I've told him that I can't live like this and have said in a fight that i was done, I never left. I know he masturbates but not sure how often, I have also told him that I felt like we were just best friends sharing a bed..nothing works  if he does try it's never consistent ...we will have great sex and then nothing for 3/4weeks..I'm supposed to be in my prime!!!

Miss Fluff

What a horrific situation. It's quite clear you need to go to couple's counselling. This problem sounds too big for you to deal with by yourselves - you've both clearly reached a stalemate. If he won't attend counselling then he clearly doesn't want to sort it out which will leave you with some very painful decisions to make.

You need to tell him that you're serious about this, rather than suggesting counselling you need to convince him that it's necessary in order to salvage the relationship. If he want to continue in a totally sexless relationship then you're better off being friends. That's the only other alternative imho.

You're only going out two years, you should be at it like rabbits tbh so don't for one moment try and convince yourself that this is normal, it's not.

Sunshine and lollipops

Thanks, I know myself it's bad, its so annoying because of all my relationships in the past have been very passionate but not really something I'd see a future in & with my OH I see that future but this is so hard to live with, I booked a weekend away for us recently and we didn't so much as touch each other, had such a laugh but the minute we got into bed he was snoring his head off, when I said it in the morning he said he wanted to have sex but I turned my back and fell asleep. I just couldn't be bothered trying any more, my efforts have only caused me more pain so I'm finished making the moves.

Wompa1

Sunshine and lollipops wrote: »

Thanks, I know myself it's bad, its so annoying because of all my relationships in the past have been very passionate but not really something I'd see a future in & with my OH I see that future but this is so hard to live with, I booked a weekend away for us recently and we didn't so much as touch each other, had such a laugh but the minute we got into bed he was snoring his head off, when I said it in the morning he said he wanted to have sex but I turned my back and fell asleep. I just couldn't be bothered trying any more, my efforts have only caused me more pain so I'm finished making the moves.

Consider spicing things up a bit? Maybe things aren't exciting for him anymore? What was the sex like when you were having it? Was it mechanical and boring. I've been in relationships in which the girl wanted things a very certain way which just got very frustrating. I thought I was the problem until I got into another relationship and realized that ex was just very sheepish when it came to sex and made it seem like a chore...maybe ask him what he'd like..

Zhora

part of a romantic relationship is being intimate with your OH and for this to be missing is a sign that there are other things going on. How is your communication outside of the bedroom? Sex is a physical way of communicating your mutual attraction towards each other and for you to be feeling the way you do is understandable. I know from a previous relationship when I wanted sex and my partner didn't that I felt rejected and unattractive. If you can communicate your feelings outside of the bedroom and yet the other person doesn't listen or won't discuss it then you cannot force them to address the issue. All I would say is if its making you unhappy it is not right for you and ultimately a relationship should be something that adds to your life not make you feel bad about yourself.

Sunshine and lollipops

He means well...I guess...but I think when you love someone and know they are feeling this way..if roles were reversed I would try to change things. How do I make things more exciting??? I have sexy underwear suspenders etc..he used to love them!but last time I got dressed up and he said he was too tired I swore I wouldn't do it again! How do i get his attention again?

LegacyUser

Hi Hon ,

I experienced the exact same problem as you. It was a very difficult time period and eventually myself and ex broke up. I wish that we had dealt with this better. Here is my advise to you:


• Ask him about it straight on, say that your worried about your relationship and you feel that things have changed
• Ask him if he’s happy

You might get answers to questions that you don’t want to hear ,but believe me the damage you are doing to your own esteem will take along time to heal.

lace

OP, could it be that he's having erectile or testosterone problems? Loss of libido can be really confusing and scary for a man so maybe he's making all these excuses and brushing it off because deep down he's really worried about it? If this is the case then suggest he goes to the GP to get it sorted out.

If he's not actually lost his sex drive but just can't be bothered then it's time to sit him down and tell him that if he doesn't start to make an effort you are going to leave. You need to let him know you mean it too. Can you really imagine yourself living as "best friends who share a bed" forever? If he's not willing to work on it and flat-out refuses to discuss it then how long can you wait around hoping he'll one day pounce on you? I know you love this man but you deserve someone who at least wants to make the effort to get up and try to make your sex life together work (be that through spicing things up in the bedroom, talking, attending couples counselling - whatever works for you two).

Sunshine and lollipops

That's been really helpful thank you, well when we do have sex it is usually quite quick, he gets a bit frustrated when this happens I can see it, but other than that he has no problem getting an erection, if he did have testosterone problems do you think this could be to blame? What kind of treatments are there?

Zen65

Sunshine and lollipops wrote: »

... well when we do have sex it is usually quite quick, he gets a bit frustrated when this happens .....

Well if sex is infrequent it is difficult for a man to put in a long performance. He may feel embarrassed by this to the point where he is unhappy about doing it again, but this just makes the problem worse.

Relationship counselling does sound like a good idea. At the very least an open discussion between the two of you to clarify what's going on is needed.

Before that however, why not try a different approach? Put on your sexiest outfit and tell him you want to see how quickly you can bring him to climax. Make it clear that what you want to do is simply excite him and watch him climax. Then tell him you want to do that again in a couple of days' time.

In effect, you might find that by getting him to have no-pressure sex (by which I mean no pressure on him to make it last a long time) you might bring him to the point where he is less inclined to finish early, and therefore gain some confidence in his own ability to please you.

I can't offer any scientific explanation as to why this might work, but if "performance anxiety" is the issue for him this might rid him of those anxieties.


Be at peace,


Z

Roselm

Zen65 wrote: »

Well if sex is infrequent it is difficult for a man to put in a long performance. He may feel embarrassed by this to the point where he is unhappy about doing it again, but this just makes the problem worse.

Relationship counselling does sound like a good idea. At the very least an open discussion between the two of you to clarify what's going on is needed.

Before that however, why not try a different approach? Put on your sexiest outfit and tell him you want to see how quickly you can bring him to climax. Make it clear that what you want to do is simply excite him and watch him climax. Then tell him you want to do that again in a couple of days' time.

In effect, you might find that by getting him to have no-pressure sex (by which I mean no pressure on him to make it last a long time) you might bring him to the point where he is less inclined to finish early, and therefore gain some confidence in his own ability to please you.

I can't offer any scientific explanation as to why this might work, but if "performance anxiety" is the issue for him this might rid him of those anxieties.


Be at peace,


Z

I also think Z is on to something.
Myself and my partner were having pretty much the same issues in our relationship to you and your partner.
I came off the pill recently as I thought it was making me feel very up and down and just wanted to give my body a break. My partner didn't want to rely on condoms for protection so we have left sex off the table for a little while.
This has actually resulted in an improvement in our sex life. We are more likely to spend time now touching each other etc and I think it's because there is no longer the pressure on my boyfriend-in his head it was just full intercourse that I wanted and that he was too tired for. In fact it's just a bit of attention generally in that area I needed and where we are at now is a pretty good starting point. I find things are much more relaxed between us in the bedroom as a result.
We didn't really even discuss this outcome as a possibility when I was coming off the pill. It did half occur to me but I didn't honestly think there'd be much difference. It just seems to have made everything more relaxed.
Now it's probably still not quite as often as I'd like but it does seem to have made a difference and might be a starting place for you guys.

Good luck x

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
A loss of libido in a guy can be due to physical problems for younger men more often it is related to stress and worry.
You mention sometimes he can be a bit quick, maybe this is giving him worry. There are ways and techniques to combat this and plenty of lierature to give you guys ideas.

I think it is really sad that he will not try therapy, it would open up a dialogue which obviously isn't there. I would say that a lot of sexual problems in a relationship are from bad communication rather than anything else. If he's not willing to work on it then consider walking if you've trioed everything else.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, I lived with a guy for years - perfect guy, we discussed marriage. really loved each other. After a couple of years sex slowed right down...I became consumed with it, going to bed feeling sick with his excuses, feeling sick on a saturday/sunday morning when he would practically run out of the bed to avoid sex. I read books on the subject, read so much on the internet, discreetly asked on boards like this. I felt so unattractive, unloved and tried to make myself not care or want sex but I was consumed!!

Felt devastated at the thought of not being with my boyfriend but the problem ate away at our relationship because he refused to do anything or get help. We broke up and I survived and am much happier with someone else. However it took years for me to get here. I'm not saying your relationship will go the same way but i am saying that I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and you have my utmost sympathy. Just want to let you know you're not alone xx

LegacyUser

I'm in such a relationship as well. I feel butt-ugly and it's consuming me

He doesn't have time for me at all, not only when it comes to sex, and when I tell him how lonely I feel he goes on the defense (sarcastic style).

I'm hurting real bad and he has promised to change. I don't know if I dare to believe it. A part of me is thinking it's time to move on and find someone who can please me and be there for me when I need it the most.

LegacyUser

My darling husband simply says that although he thinks I'm attractive, not wanting sex with me is 'nothing personal' - he'd feel the same with anyone he'd been with for years and once or twice a month is enough.

In my experience, some men have the kind of sex drive that will leave them begging their wife of thirty years for sex, and other men loose interest after the first two years - and no 'sensual massage' (the marriage therapists's suggestion!) is going to change that. We've tried everything. It didn't get better, it got worse. Sex is NOT about 'communication outside the bedroom' is about passion and intimacy and sex drive.

Get out while you still can - that's what I plan to do!

(Can you sense the frustration?!)

Sunshine and lollipops

Last night we went to bed early watched a film when it was over, we kissed a little and then he stopped, I kept thinking to myself just keep trying. So I put my hands on him and he said irritated 'it's too warm'..I got up and left the room and cried and cried it all got too much for me. He came down and carried me upstairs and I just cried, when I eventually stopped , we did it...Christ!!so frustrating!

looky loo

Sunshine and lollipops wrote: »

Last night we went to bed early watched a film when it was over, we kissed a little and then he stopped, I kept thinking to myself just keep trying. So I put my hands on him and he said irritated 'it's too warm'..I got up and left the room and cried and cried it all got too much for me. He came down and carried me upstairs and I just cried, when I eventually stopped , we did it...Christ!!so frustrating!

Sunshine, if you want a relationship whereby you have to cry to get your partner to sleep with you,( I dont mean that in a nasty way, I mean it in a helpful way), you seriously need to have a good talk with yourself.

You deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them, you deserve not to feel ugly and unwanted and you should love yourself enough to either get help or leave. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find happiness.

Taltos

Don't let what happened last night be forgotten about - you have to use this as leverage for him to discuss the issue frankly with you and to seek help together.

The fact that he was able to have sex speaks volumes - don't let this slide - otherwise 10yrs will pass and you will turn around asking yourself what happened.

Who knows maybe he just has a really low sex drive - but until he talks to you your imagination and self-esteem will keep spinning.