Disowned?

LegacyUser

As the title says, has anyone ever been disowned by family? You don't have to go into detail about why/how it happened, but how did you handle it? Was there ever forgiveness, did you ever work it out?

My brother decided I am a massive disappointment to him so he and his wife have forbidden me from ever contacting them. I am not as upset as I thought I would be, mainly because he never acted like a brother (more like a father - I already have one, thanks). It's his loss really, I can at least live my life without him telling me constantly how I'm making terrible decisions.

username123

Yes. I estranged myself from my own family. My parents are now dead - I did not have contact with them in the 2 years before they died, but I have a living sibling who I have no wish to be in my life, and he feels the same way.

Im totally at peace with it, I went through a terrible time of guilt, worry, anger, pain, sadness etc... but I worked through it and know that I am better off this way as the toxic behaviour of my family was so unhealthy that my physical (as well as mental) health was affected, and my life is a much healthier place without that kind of dysfunction.

tallaghtmick

dissed wrote: »

As the title says, has anyone ever been disowned by family? You don't have to go into detail about why/how it happened, but how did you handle it? Was there ever forgiveness, did you ever work it out?

My brother decided I am a massive disappointment to him so he and his wife have forbidden me from ever contacting them. I am not as upset as I thought I would be, mainly because he never acted like a brother (more like a father - I already have one, thanks). It's his loss really, I can at least live my life without him telling me constantly how I'm making terrible decisions.

What on earth could you have possibly done to warrant that?

Kalimah

It happened to my husband.After a number of years of people trying to push us out through excluding us from events we eventually decided to remove ourselves. Hubby has one sister who is married to a very successful guy and he decides who is in or out. One of the reasons for our exclusion is that we wouldn't send our kids to the private school his kids went to.
Life is much easier now not worrying who is playing head games or what agenda they have.

PS. I have zero interest in resolving anything. It's too far gone for that.

strandroad

My mother is estranged from our family. She did it herself by causing huge debts and financial trouble and basically escaping abroad. We didn't seek any contact with her after this. She resurfaced after a couple of years and we see each other at weddings or funerals, where we may have a one minute conversation. I don't expect anything from her and she's not getting anything (more) from me. It's actually quite easy once you accept it; I'm not really thinking about her at all.

LegacyUser

tallaghtmick wrote: »

What on earth could you have possibly done to warrant that?

It's been a lot of things building up over the past decade since he left home, too much to get into here. But the thing that put all this into motion was him stealing about $500 worth of gaming stuff and movies from me. I waited over week after finding out because I was fuming before I sent an email to him asking for it back or a check to repay what he stole. In return I get two (freakin' novels) emails from him and his wife detailing how I'm such a disappointment and an embarrassment to them, etc, etc... Never contact us, not welcome in our home. All the while never once admitting that he did steal from me. Yes, it sounds petty, but hey, I asked for what was mine back and he decided to disown me. Proportionate response? I think not. I'm between upset and kind of laughing at the things they said because it was *so* ridiculous, but you know, I can't do anything about it.

LegacyUser

What do the rest of the family make of it? How can he say you're a huge disappointment, yet he's the one that you say stole from you? Whats his basis for such drastic statements/actions? I doubt you've been ostricised for getting annoyed over some games been taking? Doesn't make any sense.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Well first of all your brother sounds like a right sc*mbag. I think you've done well outta this, his email means you no longer have to have contact with him or his "lovely" wife. TBH I'm a bit shocked, they sound like a right pair, and it really does sound like he thinks he's your dad. Unfortunately we can't pick our families, there's a whole wing of my family that I ignore, they're total scummers, it's much easier that they don't talk to me:D. Just think of it like this: would you want to be around your family if they were all serial killers and rapists? No, you wouldn't, well the only difference here is that your brother and sister in law aren't killers but they are judegmental thieving scumbags, which in my opinion are just as crappy to be around . As others here have said, you'll survive this and once you accept it you'll be glad because you won't have to be around them.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the supportive comments We've all slept on this for 2 nights now and I feel better, just more sad than anything else I guess.

Anonymous1234 wrote: »

What do the rest of the family make of it? How can he say you're a huge disappointment, yet he's the one that you say stole from you? Whats his basis for such drastic statements/actions? I doubt you've been ostricised for getting annoyed over some games been taking? Doesn't make any sense.

Well, my father had a similar volatile relationship with his brother for years so he was the voice of reason when I was upset about it, just that we all need to calm down and wait some time before talking to each other. My mom is angry with them both that they would overreact so badly and actually cut off contact with me and she also thinks he's totally wrong in the matter. I think in his mind he thinks I am a disappointment because I don't have my life sorted out nearly as much as his is (steady job, wife, house - actually 2, financial independence).

He probably thinks that because I haven't "earned" these things that he stole in my own right that I don't deserve them and therefore can decide what he wants to do with it all. (It's so complicated, I'm just trying to get the gist of it down). I know I can be a pain sometimes, but he is 4 years older than me and had some seriously great opportunities in his life that I didn't have and pretty much has his life handed to him on a silver platter is he so chooses. I don't think he understands how had it is for me, that I don't know what I want to do in life quite yet and how hard it is to find a job on your own merit rather than being given one. He has lived a very sheltered life and doesn't realize it. The person I am today is not who I was when he moved out all those years ago. He barely contacts me as it is anyway and doesn't know half of what I've done and accomplished and who I am. I'm sad for the two of them right now because they chose this, not me. They said so many hurtful things that I just know if I was them, I would be seriously regretting.

lolo62

OP your brother sounds like a head-case...i would try and look at the silver lining in this and channel any negative feelings you may have for your brother into making your life better, sounds like the perfect opportunity to do it while he's not breathing down your neck!

LegacyUser

I'm wondering if you are mid twenties, still live with your folks, haven't got a job, and spend a lot of time gaming / watching movies? Not that I think confiscating your toys is the way to go in convincing you to be less passive in your attitude to life; but it would put somewhat of a different slant on events.

It sounds like your brother has gone too far on this occasion, but has he tried to help you to turn your life around before? And did you act on his help? It just sounds to me that there s more to this story than you are presenting here.

LegacyUser

More to this one? wrote: »

I'm wondering if you are mid twenties, still live with your folks, haven't got a job, and spend a lot of time gaming / watching movies? Not that I think confiscating your toys is the way to go in convincing you to be less passive in your attitude to life; but it would put somewhat of a different slant on events.

It sounds like your brother has gone too far on this occasion, but has he tried to help you to turn your life around before? And did you act on his help? It just sounds to me that there s more to this story than you are presenting here.

lol I don't pwn noobs or whatever, I am *not* a gamer. I'm too scared to play most of that. I'm also not mid twenties, thank you very much, I only just graduated and am looking for work every single day as well as helping my parents with remodeling our home I am not the sort of person to sit on my bum everyday twiddling my thumbs and having things handed to me. I don't need another person telling me I'm a child I need to be punished by taking away my "toys". I am an adult and trying my best to do what I can with what I have like most people. Yes, when I say gaming things it does sound like I am all these things, but the only reason I invested in it in the first place was I was in college and living with roommates - we all enjoyed the whole thing and it was more of a social aspect to our lives.

I also *do not* need my life turned around. It is perfectly fine, thank you. I am know the path I am on and am doing my damndest to make it happen, unfortunately this is not to his expectations. He has given advice on the past concerning schooling and finances, but most of it was under the shroud of "listen to me because our parents don't know what they're talking about". My main beef with him is he disrespects our parents and cares more about mingling with his wife's family than ours. I believe he is embarresed by us. Again, there is definitely more to this story but it's like any family, it's personal and covers many years of events and emotions.

Anywho, thanks for the comments. I try not to think too much about it because if I do I just get angry and upset. Lolo62 - Just my thoughts exactly. I was actually relieved the more I thought about it because I can finally not listen to his judgemental phone calls that would have me so upset and crying all night!! I can do what I want with my life without him telling me it's all a mistake.

LegacyUser

More to this one? wrote: »

I'm wondering if you are mid twenties, still live with your folks, haven't got a job, and spend a lot of time gaming / watching movies? Not that I think confiscating your toys is the way to go in convincing you to be less passive in your attitude to life; but it would put somewhat of a different slant on events.

It sounds like your brother has gone too far on this occasion, but has he tried to help you to turn your life around before? And did you act on his help? It just sounds to me that there s more to this story than you are presenting here.

Yeap that's I thought. Is it possible that your brother has cut you out as accusing him of being a thief is the last straw? Apologies if i'm way off the mark OP but something just doesn't quite ring true about this story.

LegacyUser

Anonymous1234 wrote: »

Yeap that's I thought. Is it possible that your brother has cut you out as accusing him of being a thief is the last straw? Apologies if i'm way off the mark OP but something just doesn't quite ring true about this story.

Did you even read what I wrote above you quoting him? I am not a child who needs to be punished by having my "toys" taken away, he is not my father, and what "last straw"? We've had our disagreements in the past but I've always looked up to my brother and respected him and we have always been able to work things out, for once I put my foot down to something he's done to me and I get cut out of his life. I seriously thought I had killed their dogs or burned down their house with the response I got after asking for an apology and repayment. There is no justification for just taking something that isn't yours!

Again! There is a lot more to this story, *obviously* but it's just sooo much that I really don't have the time to get into it. What I really wanted to know is how people deal with being cut out of some one they love's life. So please! Stick to that and stop trying to delve into who's at fault in this particular issue, I know I'm not perfect and I probably could have done things differently in the situation, but hindsight is 20/20 and what has happened has happened and the only way they'll ever have me back in their life is if *they* want me.

LegacyUser

dissed wrote: »

Did you even read what I wrote above you quoting him? I am not a child who needs to be punished by having my "toys" taken away, he is not my father, and what "last straw"? We've had our disagreements in the past but I've always looked up to my brother and respected him and we have always been able to work things out, for once I put my foot down to something he's done to me and I get cut out of his life. I seriously thought I had killed their dogs or burned down their house with the response I got after asking for an apology and repayment. There is no justification for just taking something that isn't yours!

Again! There is a lot more to this story, *obviously* but it's just sooo much that I really don't have the time to get into it. What I really wanted to know is how people deal with being cut out of some one they love's life. So please! Stick to that and stop trying to delve into who's at fault in this particular issue, I know I'm not perfect and I probably could have done things differently in the situation, but hindsight is 20/20 and what has happened has happened and the only way they'll ever have me back in their life is if *they* want me.

I posted before your comment came up. No one is trying to place fault simply trying to understand whats going on so they can give you a more educated and accurate response. From what you've described it sounds like your brother is a bit controlling, is there a reason for this, has he had to be like that at some point? I personally think it would be a shame to lose someone from your life so close over something so trivial.

Moomoo1

aren't you going to contact the guards about the stealing?

LegacyUser

Anonymous1234 wrote: »

I posted before your comment came up. No one is trying to place fault simply trying to understand whats going on so they can give you a more educated and accurate response. From what you've described it sounds like your brother is a bit controlling, is there a reason for this, has he had to be like that at some point? I personally think it would be a shame to lose someone from your life so close over something so trivial.

Ah, sorry, didn't mean to be so harsh about it, it's just been a rough week because of all of this and other family issues. He is very controlling! I just was thinking about that the other night... I think he's been trying to "convert" me to his lifestyle which I clearly don't relate to at all and once he sees that he's "failed" he has given up. I think he holds a lot of resentment towards our parents and sees me as a project for him to work on... I don't really know what's going on in his head, but I'm leaving it alone for the time being. Nothing good can be accomplished right away and as they say, time heals all wounds. One day hopefully we can sit down and sort it all out but that is definitely not going to be for awhile. I'm so shocked, too, that he would flip out over something stupid but I was more hurt than anything that he would do it to me, his sister. Any other person I would totally report to the guards but I just think this would exacerbate things more and I'll leave it alone. I'd rather have my brother talking to me again than him having another reason to not talk to me. Thanks for the responses

LegacyUser

dissed wrote: »

Ah, sorry, didn't mean to be so harsh about it, it's just been a rough week because of all of this and other family issues. He is very controlling! I just was thinking about that the other night... I think he's been trying to "convert" me to his lifestyle which I clearly don't relate to at all and once he sees that he's "failed" he has given up. I think he holds a lot of resentment towards our parents and sees me as a project for him to work on... I don't really know what's going on in his head, but I'm leaving it alone for the time being. Nothing good can be accomplished right away and as they say, time heals all wounds. One day hopefully we can sit down and sort it all out but that is definitely not going to be for awhile. I'm so shocked, too, that he would flip out over something stupid but I was more hurt than anything that he would do it to me, his sister. Any other person I would totally report to the guards but I just think this would exacerbate things more and I'll leave it alone. I'd rather have my brother talking to me again than him having another reason to not talk to me. Thanks for the responses

OP can you answer some questions "honestly"?

What point did you notice your gaming equipment missing? Like was he in your house and just took it behind your back or what were the circumstances?

How much time did you spend on it?

Has he reason to not get on with your parents or to do the whole overbearing big brother routine?

From my own experience I know I am always looking out for my younger siblings and they may see me as "nagging" them occasionally, but its all in their own best interest.

LegacyUser

Anonymous1234 wrote: »

OP can you answer some questions "honestly"?

What point did you notice your gaming equipment missing? Like was he in your house and just took it behind your back or what were the circumstances?

How much time did you spend on it?

Has he reason to not get on with your parents or to do the whole overbearing big brother routine?

From my own experience I know I am always looking out for my younger siblings and they may see me as "nagging" them occasionally, but its all in their own best interest.

Been busy these past days, so only getting back to this now.

I am sorry, but I just don't think you understand the dilemma. It's not just about him stealing from me. Like I said, there is SO much more than what you've read, mainly because this involves detailing years of our relationship not only as brother and sister but as a family. In the time that's passed since last replying, a lot has happened. Essentially, my brother has alienated himself from our family. This is no longer about me and him, this is about his judgements on how our parents have raised us and how we live our lives. We do not live up to his expectations of what we should be. My brother does not look out for my best interests, because he does not know what my interests are. He has consistently put me down and made me feel guilty for my choices in life, and you know, that's fine. But it upsets me that he and his wife have decided that our family is just not good enough for them to associate with. This is not "nagging" a little sister and making sure she's alright. He has used this excuse of me telling him he wronged me to cut me out of his life, and slowly cut our parents out, too.

The other day, my parents drove 6 hours to see him and his wife for lunch (she did not show up) and as I've been told, spent most of it telling them horrible things about me. My mother tried to defend herself, but she says she quickly realized he was so stuck in his beliefs that it was like talking to a brick wall. He wouldn't listen to a word my parents said. My mother has been reduced to tears every day since. How can he say I am such a horrible daughter when he has not bothered with this family in 10 years and I'm sitting here, holding my mom's hand as she cries and saying it's going to blow over in a few years, that every family is dysfunctional (as we say, we put the fun in dysfunctional ha), that he'll one day realize his actions were out of line.

So again, it's not about theft. And I'm not going to answer more questions about this issue, I really just came here to find out how people deal with this sort of situation.

LegacyUser

Also, sorry, I don't mean to sound so ..emm strong? in my wording, but the subject has been beaten to death at home and it's gotten to that point where you get sick of talking about something, so I'm just a little worn out! Analyzing the whole thing over and over gives me headaches... I know you're trying to help, but that information isn't relevant anymore really to the issue since so much has come to light about his true feelings... It's a non-issue at this point I think. But thank you very much for trying to understand I'm just looking to see how people go about accepting the fact that someone close to you just does not want you in their life anymore.

LegacyUser

dissed wrote: »

Also, sorry, I don't mean to sound so ..emm strong? in my wording, but the subject has been beaten to death at home and it's gotten to that point where you get sick of talking about something, so I'm just a little worn out! Analyzing the whole thing over and over gives me headaches... I know you're trying to help, but that information isn't relevant anymore really to the issue since so much has come to light about his true feelings... It's a non-issue at this point I think. But thank you very much for trying to understand I'm just looking to see how people go about accepting the fact that someone close to you just does not want you in their life anymore.

Well Op I don't think there's an easy answer to that question, some people are naturally tough skinned and deal with better, but its not an easy thing to shut out/or be shut out of someones life, but you have to remember YOU only have ONE life and its yours. You can't spend your whole life with people who drag you down, we're not our brother/sisters keepers. I think it might do you good to go and talk to someone about it, it will help to let off steam in a non-bias environment and may help you gain some perspective and coping mechanisms to deal with the situation. Best of Luck OP

curlzy

Hey OP,

I've a brother 5 years younger and a sister 10 years younger and I can honestly say I would never ever treat them the way your brother has treated you or your poor parents. This "watching out for them" is bull****, you can give someone your opinion but beyond that is just an excuse to be a controlling pr*ck, which is what your brother sounds like. So you and your parents aren't good enough for him eh? Well screw him, that **** is beyond hurtful and totally inexcusable. Stay strong OP and try not to dwell on it, he's not worth you or your parents tears. Also don't worry about the people questioning it, unfortunately some posters think that being devil's advocate makes them smarter, it doesn't, it's just annoying.

Best of luck.