Angry at sister's drinking

LegacyUser

Basically in the past year or so I've started to think that my sister has a problem with alcohol. However I thought it was limited to binge drinking when she is out, that was until last saturday night.

She stayed overnight to mind my 6 month old. This was arranged months ago as myself and my husband had a wedding to go to, and she was very keen to do it. We came back reasonably early yesterday morning and one of the first things I noticed was an empty wine bottle sitting there. Now I would not have had a problem with her having a glass or two of wine, but I can't believe she would drink an entire bottle when looking after my son. There is no doubt that she drank all of it as she joked about it to me. I decided that I wouldn't create a scene and I said nothing yesterday, but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get. What if something had happened and she turned up to hospital with my son a couple of sheets to the wind? My husband is very annoyed about this also.

Should I confront her or just never ask her to babysit again? I've tried to speak to her about her drinking before in as non-confrontational a way as possible, but it fell on deaf ears. I really thought she would be responsible enough to not drink when staying overnight with my son, but maybe I'm overreacting at what some might consider a few harmless drinks?

I am a friend

Yeah I do think it was irresponsible. How was she going to hear him, if needed, if she was panned out? I think I would be livid.

You need to talk to her and have your husband there too to back you up so it doesn't turn into just a sibling row.

Taltos

Annoyedsis wrote: »

I've tried to speak to her about her drinking before in as non-confrontational a way as possible, but it fell on deaf ears. I really thought she would be responsible enough to not drink when staying overnight with my son, but maybe I'm overreacting at what some might consider a few harmless drinks?

I think you should be just as annoyed at yourself if you knew she had a problem. Wonder if part of your husband's anger is extending to you too?

Remember - you cannot fix her but you can protect your family from her...

EDIT: Disappointment may be a better front to use with her. Your disappointment in her, your husband's in you. If she still doesn't get it then anger - but loss of respect from someone you love is a pretty powerful motivator.

LegacyUser

Taitos I'm glad you pointed that out regarding knowing she had a problem. The thing is I had a fear this would happen and I could have asked my mother in law to babysit instead; however I really wanted to give my sister the benefit of the doubt one last time. We have always been close and I knew it would hurt her feelings a lot if I decided suddenly she couldn't babysit. I asked her to do it months ago when she actually wasn't drinking as much as she is now.

If I'm honest with myself I have been in denial that she has a problem. My whole family are in denial she has a problem. However when it comes to the welfare of my child I cannot ignore it any longer. My husband isn't annoyed with me at all; he's just very peed off with her.

LegacyUser

she does you the favour of looking after your kid for the whole long boring night, while you two are no doubt drinking, and you give out about her having a bottle of wine?

unbelievable

username123

Thats not cool at all. A single glass of wine or bottle of beer - ok. But a bottle of wine? Not good.

I would say it to her. If you dont say anything you are effectively enabling the behaviour. I wouldnt be asking her to babysit again either. If you say it to her and she genuinely does have a problem that she is not addressing, and you ask her to babysit again, she could still drink and hide the bottle.

Its just not acceptable behaviour, end of. Tell her this, calmly.

elbee

OP, I think anger will just get her back up, make her defensive and drive her further into the spiral she's clearly in.

I'd suggest saying something like 'I'm really upset that you drank so much when you were minding [son's name], so I won't be asking you to do it again. I don't like the idea of you not being sober in the event of an emergency.'

I think if you flip at her - which I'm sure you felt like doing! - it won't help long term. Being told you can't trust her with a child may be part of a wakeup call for her.

Wompa1

pppfff wrote: »

she does you the favour of looking after your kid for the whole long boring night, while you two are no doubt drinking, and you give out about her having a bottle of wine?

unbelievable

...I assume they were drinking and that's why they arranged for a baby sitter...

C-J

pppfff wrote: »

she does you the favour of looking after your kid for the whole long boring night, while you two are no doubt drinking, and you give out about her having a bottle of wine?

unbelievable

i'm going to assume you're not a parent, because if you were you'd realise why this couple are annoyed. The sister was given a responsibility and duty of care for a small child, this couples most valuable possession, and decided to get locked while minding him. If anything had happened she either wouldn't have heard him or wouldn't have been able to drive him to hospital. Your blasè attitude is irritating!

LegacyUser

Op I really think your are over reacting? a whole bottle of wine?? a whole 4 glasses of wine? "locked" out of her head? c'mon do you really know anyone that would be drunk after a bottle of wine??? slightly tipsy perhaps. two toher things to consider..spacing it out over 4 - 6 hours..certainly not drunk..eating a meal in the middle of it??? what else did she drink perhaps coffee tea coke water? calling your sister an alco and not letting her babysit because she had a bottle of wine is imo RIDICULOUS. you need to look at your own atitude not your sisters..i cant belieive anyone is agreeing with you. i used to have a bottle of wine before i went out on a saturday night..dont anymore because i get heart burn but its the equivelant of about 4 pints..i dont know anyone who is drunk after 4 pints.

C-J

If the sister is small in stature she could most certainly be drunk. I'm 8 stone & only drink a couple of drinks before i know my limits and stop. However I most certainly would NEVER drink even one single drink if I was alone minding my child or especially in charge of someone elses. It's disrespectful and it's wrong.

analucija

Annoyedsis wrote: »

Basically in the past year or so I've started to think that my sister has a problem with alcohol. However I thought it was limited to binge drinking when she is out, that was until last saturday night.

She stayed overnight to mind my 6 month old. This was arranged months ago as myself and my husband had a wedding to go to, and she was very keen to do it. We came back reasonably early yesterday morning and one of the first things I noticed was an empty wine bottle sitting there. Now I would not have had a problem with her having a glass or two of wine, but I can't believe she would drink an entire bottle when looking after my son. There is no doubt that she drank all of it as she joked about it to me. I decided that I wouldn't create a scene and I said nothing yesterday, but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get. What if something had happened and she turned up to hospital with my son a couple of sheets to the wind? My husband is very annoyed about this also.

Should I confront her or just never ask her to babysit again? I've tried to speak to her about her drinking before in as non-confrontational a way as possible, but it fell on deaf ears. I really thought she would be responsible enough to not drink when staying overnight with my son, but maybe I'm overreacting at what some might consider a few harmless drinks?

I was in similar situation as you. But then I remembered that my partner and I also got drunk couple of times or rather we had enough to drink and it wouldn't be safe to drive a car. So really we were no more responsible than our babysitter. I don't know in what time frame did your sister drink the wine or did she eat anything. Unlike some I think a bottle of wine is plenty but I also hope that she would be able to wake up or call an ambulance if needed. It also depends what sleeping pattern your child has. Your sister was irresponsible, especially because your baby is very young, but it's hard to say if she was more irresponsible than most of us sometimes are. I am guessing that you lost your peace of mind and won't trust her again.

I would worry for your sister though. I think a glass of wine per day is ok. I also think there is no problem drinking a bottle or more with good meal and while socializing. I do find it worrying though when somebody kills a bottle of wine alone just watching TV. So I think somebody should talk to your sister about her drinking.

reprazant

Last time two times I babysat, once for my brother, once for a friend, on both occasions I was given a bottle of wine to drink in case I got bored. I have also been to many dinner parties when lots of alcohol has been consumed by all present. Each to their own, I guess.

woodchuck

joeythebloghead wrote: »

Op I really think your are over reacting? a whole bottle of wine?? a whole 4 glasses of wine? "locked" out of her head? c'mon do you really know anyone that would be drunk after a bottle of wine??? slightly tipsy perhaps. two toher things to consider..spacing it out over 4 - 6 hours..certainly not drunk..eating a meal in the middle of it??? what else did she drink perhaps coffee tea coke water? calling your sister an alco and not letting her babysit because she had a bottle of wine is imo RIDICULOUS. you need to look at your own atitude not your sisters..i cant belieive anyone is agreeing with you. i used to have a bottle of wine before i went out on a saturday night..dont anymore because i get heart burn but its the equivelant of about 4 pints..i dont know anyone who is drunk after 4 pints.

I’d be absolutely plastered after a bottle of wine, even if I was having a meal in the middle of it! One glass of wine or a beer might be ok, but even at that the babysitter should probably run it by the parents first. Never mind a whole bottle! Personally if I was babysitting there’s no way I’d drink at all though.

And this is coming from a non-parent who isn’t even fond of babies… so I don’t think it’s just a case of an overreacting parent!

There’s not enough information given to determine whether your sister has a drinking problem or not. If it’s an isolated incident then she just sounds irresponsible and is not necessarily an alcoholic. Personally I’d just leave it and not ask her to babysit again. But if there really is more to it then you should confront her about everything, but not centred on this one thing, otherwise it will just come off as you nagging her about not caring enough for your precious child and it will fall on deaf ears.

LegacyUser

I am amazed at the amount of people that think drinking a whole bottle of wine when you're the only adult responsible for a baby is okay! I certainly would never do it. My sister can go drinking any night of the week she wants; I don't think it was too much to expect her to not drink to that level when she is minding my child (by the way she was compensated for her time; I didn't expect her to do it for nothing).

As I said in my first post, I would have had no objection to her having a glass or two. I even wouldn't have minded so much if we had been coming home that night as neither my husband or I tend to get drunk; we just enjoy a couple of social drinks (can't face the hangover when you have a baby).

As regards her drinking generally; she regularly gets plastered on a friday, saturday and sometimes sunday night. She will often be still drunk the next day from whatever session she was on. Not that it's relevant but she's actually older than me so it's not a case of some young one in their 20's enjoying the single life.

I think as has been suggested that I'm going to try and broach the subject calmly; the reason I said nothing yesterday was because I knew I would lose my temper.

username123

Id be completely drunk after a bottle of wine. Food or not.

The point is not whether or not the OPs sister would be capable of driving a car, as many adults would have a drink or two at home with their kids asleep and not be fit to drive - but that is a different situation - its THEIR child, they are not taking responsibility for someone elses child.

The point is, as the only adult there minding a small baby, the OPs sister drank enough to impair her judgement, possibly enough to not hear a babies cries wake her up, and enough to impair her motor control - and this while she was the ONLY person there to be responsible for the child.

One thing I would ask the OP - was it made clear before the babysitting that you did not want her drinking while she was babysitting? I know it may seem obvious to you, and to me, and to other people who have replied here - but some responses here are amazed you would be annoyed so clearly different people have different ideas on this.

thefeatheredcat

You should be concerned OP... alcohol effects people differently. A glass of wine or two for one person may effect them the equivalence of a bottle, or it could just get a person tipsy. I could have a few glasses of wine with dinner and be fine, a little tipsy. But I've known people who could have the exact same amount and be falling all over the place, their limbs like rubber.

Has it happened before when babysitting for anyone else or on an occasion where responsibility was a factor?

It is irresponsible in the sense that if something had happened, like if she drank the whole bottle over a few hours, even with a meal, as the baby was asleep all night and had not stirred and was drunk... I'd be worried about the baby having woken up, her going upstairs and picking them up and handling them with the risk that due to being drunk, could have stumbled or fallen with the child and could have caused injury. Or could have been so incapacitated that may not have heard the child or attended to when necessary.

I think you do need to have a chat and ask her a little more about it. Be on a fact finding conversation as to how it effected her, how much she drank, if food was taken, the circumstances around it.

You gave her the benefit of the doubt, you've found out this situation, so perhaps that it is best that both you and your husband do have a long non-confrontational talk with her. Best to get it out in the open rather than hide this under the carpet.

R.D. aka MR.D

Not a parent myself but i would know that drinking while babysitting would be irresponsible. Mainly because your reactions change after having a few.

I think if i was you i would just leave it now unless she is doing things that are harmful to herself, like missing work etc. But don't ask her to babysit again. If she asks why then you can just calmly say 'last time i wasn't so happy with you drinking that bottle of wine.'

Your anger now is making you want to say something but it's happened now and it's passed. Just learn the lesson from it.

It's her life to ruin, as another poster said all you can do is protect your family from her.

LegacyUser

Why don't you pay for a babysitter next time, rather than using your sister and then giving out sh*t about her afterwards?

Where's your responsibility to your child in this?

Nowhere to be seen.

King of Kings

well I am a parent of two (unlike those who preach but have absolutely no experience) and I think a bottle of wine is not excessive.
4 glasses over a night - say 8pm - midnight is not too much.

Only she can be the judge of her impairment - but a bottle spread over the evening and let's assume she did eat too doesn't seem unreasonable.

Your sister may have a drink problem but saturday night was no indication.

woodchuck

pppfff wrote: »

Why don't you pay for a babysitter next time, rather than using your sister and then giving out sh*t about her afterwards?

The OP already said she compensated her sister for looking after the baby.

King of Kings wrote: »

well I am a parent of two (unlike those who preach but have absolutely no experience) and I think a bottle of wine is not excessive.

If you’re happy for someone to look after your kids and drink a bottle of wine the same night then that’s fine… for you. The OP obviously feels differently. A babysitter should really have enough cop on to ask the parents if it’s ok for him/her to drink if that’s what they’re planning to do. However, after reading this thread I think that the parents should probably just lay down the ground rules and tell the babysitter than he/she can’t drink if they don’t want them to.

LegacyUser

pppfff wrote: »

Why don't you pay for a babysitter next time, rather than using your sister and then giving out sh*t about her afterwards?

Where's your responsibility to your child in this?

Nowhere to be seen.

Let me make myself clear.

1. She offered to babysit, in fact jumped at the chance.

2. I already mentioned that I compensated her.

3. Just because I'm a parent who had one night out in months does not mean that I lack responsibility for my child.

I don't think that just because someone drinks a bottle of wine in one sitting that they have a drink problem. I do think that someone being unable to take one night off the booze when it is assumed that they are behaving responsibly indicates a problem.

Anyway I've decided what to do so thank you for all the constructive responses. Mods could you lock this thread now please.

ChattyChick

It sounds like you have a very valid concern so I think it's really important to get your point across to your sister. If I were you, I'd do it in the kind of way that she can't be defensive about. If she feels like she needs to defend herself or her life, she'll stop hearing what you're saying, try to "hurt" you back and the damage will be slow to heal.

It might be worth approaching it in terms of how worried and upset you were to come home to realise what had been going on. You had really hoped that she and your son would be able to spend quality time alone together but now you're too worried about it because if there had been an emergency there was no sober responsible adult around for him.

If you approach it that way, she'll be hear you say "I,I,I" instead of "you, you, you" The onus is on her to reassure you that she can be that sober responsible adult. It might be the first time she thinks about how she appears to the rest of her family.

I hope this helps.

Ickle Magoo

Annoyedsis wrote: »

...Mods could you lock this thread now please.

Done :cool: