She asked me did i love her?

LegacyUser

And i said i hadnt thought about it...

But i have.
And i do really care for her, but i dont know if i love her
Going out almost a year now, getting on well, similiar interests etc but...

The main thing is that her mother died a pretty gruesome death from the big C a few years ago which has scarred her deeply. She is seeing a psych about it(on meds), but not making much headway. She's mistrusting of people due to things that surrounded the bereavement, and that causes issues. Problems sleeping/ with stress, with travelling

Also she may have a similiar gene to her mother and has huge worries over that too

I do care for her. I may even love her. But i've never said those words to anyone before so for me it would be a huge thing to say. I tried to explain that to her, but naturally enough she was still very upset.

If she could only be happier more often...
I dont know, maybe im being too picky here. Maybe i do love her, and dont know it?

Anyone got any advice?

I am a friend

I don't get why you would stay in a romantic relationship with someone for a year if you dont lOve them?

Tell her the truth as she deserves to know. If it were me, I would want to move on to meet someone who loved me with all his heart

blodvyn

wow, really.

1 year and you don't know if you love her, as said before do the girl a favor and think about this and let her know, its not right being with someone for that amount of time if you don't even see a future, basically you're with someone for the sake of being with someone!

Kadongy

Being honest is good.

I'd speculate that her situation makes you a bit cautious about really opening up yourself. Even if I'm right I doubt it would help her to hear that though.

Sounds like you find the relationship a bit heavy. Maybe she is a little dependent. Someone being too wrapped up in their own needs, even when very understandably so, can be quite destructive to a relationship. You might find that both of you are focused on her needs, and your own are being left out a bit. Just taking that from you saying if only she could be happy more often.

At the end of the day you're not responsible for her. Sometimes taking too much care of people does them no favours at all. She needs to take responsibility for herself and her own issues. Her depending on you to deal with them is not healthy.

She's probably hypersensitive to everything you say. You might feel like you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time.

Ignore the people attacking you for daring to not be certain you love her. You sound like a genuine decent guy.

Not saying you should leave or stay. That's up to you and her. Just giving my reading of the situation. You might find that talking to her is very difficult if you try to explain how you feel. She'll just hear rejection and be upset. If that happens, and you really can't get through to her, make sure you dont just stay with her out of guilt, pity, or a sense of obligation. There's two people in a relationship. She'll never get better unless she takes responsibility for herself. Sometimes kindness can feel very cruel.

Curry Addict

if you not sure after a year in a relationship then your not in love imho.

being in love, even if u never were before, is an unmistakable feeling and very obvious to yourself.

MitchKoobski

When you're in love with someone, you just know. If you were in love with her you would know, you wouldn't have to second guess or think about it.

I'm a bit suprised at above posters. OP ignore the people criticising you for not knowing.

There's no trigger or sign to look for, no one can tell you exactly what to expect for when to know. You can't weigh up the two sides and think "Ah well going by this evidence I cearly love her/don't love her".

You gave her the answer "I don't know" because you don't know and probably aren't in love. That doesn't mean you don't want to be with her.

Actions speak louder than three words.

"I don't get why you would stay in a romantic relationship with someone for a year if you dont love them?"

How about because he has feelings for her, isn't sure what to do but wants to be with her anyway?

LegacyUser

Thank you to all for your advice - positive or negative...

I suppose the thing is about me and love - I have my own hang-ups. I've been beaten down before with the opposite sex and it has had an effect on me. Opening up to people is not my strong point. Nor will it ever be. Its not something i believe in at all.

But i do have extreme feelings for her. A lot. And as i said to her, actions count more than than 3 little words.


Have to go now, but i'll write more later

Thanks!

sunnymoon

this is freaky, her situation is so like mine a good few years ago, my mum had just died a few months of the big c and i asked my bf at the time this very question and he responded the same as you saying 'I don't know'. At the time it was obviously very upsetting. We broke up a few months later tbh looking back on it now if he wasn't in love with me then he most likely would never be but as young girl i never gave up hope and kept holding on until he actually broke up with me. (obviously i'm older and wiser now well i hope i would be)
If i were you i would think long and hard about what your doing here, as every day goes on and she is becoming more dependent on you and more in love with you and if your not in love with or don't see the relationship going anywhere and your just passing the time then do the decent thing. This girl has been through enough without someone stringing her along i'm sorry if this sounds harsh but i'm just thinking the longer your with her and don't love her the harder the break will be on her.

Best of luck with it all

G-Money

I'm guessing if you are together a year and if you don't love her now you probably never will. Sometimes people hang on in the hope it will develop more and unfortunately it sometimes doesn't.

Although I'm no expert in these matters. I often wonder how long it takes these feelings to develop.

You don't sound like a bad person OP, but if it's not going anywhere, the best thing to do is let her down gently and end things.

Wibbs

I am a friend wrote: »

I don't get why you would stay in a romantic relationship with someone for a year if you dont lOve them?

Tell her the truth as she deserves to know. If it were me, I would want to move on to meet someone who loved me with all his heart

Head of nail meet hammer. +1

lace

After a year of going out with someone, I'd be wondering where things were heading too! If she's in love with you (and has been for a while) then it could be pretty confusing and painful for her waiting around wondering when you're going to feel the same.

It's quite difficult to explain, OP, but if you loved her you'd know about it. It's not really something you can be in the "maybe zone" about. You might find the feeling a little confusing at first but you would know it was love and you would have the urge to know if she felt the same.

You're right not to say it just for the sake of it if you don't really feel it. Once she knows that you care about her but you're not sure when (or if) you'll love her then it's going to be up to her to decide what to do with this information. She may want to move on and find someone who will feel the same about her as she does about them.