dammed if i do, dammed if I don't

anon999

Hi all,

Bit of a bizarre one here really. Just looking for some other opinions.

I'm a married male in my late 30s with 3 kids. I have had a problem with social anxiety/facial blushing on and off since i was small.

Anyway, the current problem is that since I started a new job recently, I have had a break out of rosacea. This of course made me more self-conscious and confidence has suffered as a result. I have tried all sorts of creams and lotions. Some have had a mild benefit but on two occassions, I have seen people take a double glance at me when they are passing (as if to say, what is wrong with your face you freak).

Anyway, with help from my wife I tried some light face powder to try and tone down the redness. Maybe that was extreme but I was desperate. It didn't work and in fact made my face blotchy and unnatural looking. Result now is that I reckon some colleagues (some women) are having a good laugh behind my back and no doubt I am now probably known as the guy who wears makeup. I noticed several people now go out of their way to avoid me. I do my best to get on with it and get on well with the people who I work with directly. However, i'm thinking its probably only a matter of time before they find out also.

I hate this problem but I can't wish it away unfortunately. Seeing the doc about it next week but i'm not too optimistic. Anyone have any advice or know of anyone who has this problem?

Shiva

I know this probably wont help you feel better, but I'm almost certain nobody is laughing at you, or thinking you're a freak. Its human nature that some people sometimes do a double-take if we see someone with unusual features or even a disability, but 99% of the time there's no malice or mocking involved - its just human curiosity. And I promise, and I'm not trying to play down your condition, most people see beyond blotchy skin. Its possible you are far more conscious of this condition than anyone else is. I had really severe acne as a teenager, and I was convinced everyone who looked at me was recoiling in disgust and thought I was an alien....but they weren't.

Unless you're working with a bunch of 15 year old girls, I doubt they are laughing at you. They may have talked about it among themselves, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that....everybody talks. But its usually just conversation, and not a conspiracy of gigglers.

What might be an idea, and it would take a lot of bravery on your part, is if you casually mention it sometime, in a kinda of "Oh God I've a pain in my face with this bloody rosecea - literally !" - Perhaps in the canteen or something, if that kind of social situation arises.

I think you'd probably find people would sympathise, maybe even offer anecdotes about someone they knew who tried a treatment....but they'll talk to you about it, and I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself, and it will help restore your confidence. And you will most likely realise its not as bad as you think.

If you're naturally shy, it will be hard, but it will get easier to talk about it, and you'll feel a huge benefit.

Best of luck.

coolcat63

Shiva wrote: »

I know this probably wont help you feel better, but I'm almost certain nobody is laughing at you, or thinking you're a freak. Its human nature that some people sometimes do a double-take if we see someone with unusual features or even a disability, but 99% of the time there's no malice or mocking involved - its just human curiosity. And I promise, and I'm not trying to play down your condition, most people see beyond blotchy skin. Its possible you are far more conscious of this condition than anyone else is. I had really severe acne as a teenager, and I was convinced everyone who looked at me was recoiling in disgust and thought I was an alien....but they weren't.

Unless you're working with a bunch of 15 year old girls, I doubt they are laughing at you. They may have talked about it among themselves, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that....everybody talks. But its usually just conversation, and not a conspiracy of gigglers.

What might be an idea, and it would take a lot of bravery on your part, is if you casually mention it sometime, in a kinda of "Oh God I've a pain in my face with this bloody rosecea - literally !" - Perhaps in the canteen or something, if that kind of social situation arises.

I think you'd probably find people would sympathise, maybe even offer anecdotes about someone they knew who tried a treatment....but they'll talk to you about it, and I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself, and it will help restore your confidence. And you will most likely realise its not as bad as you think.

If you're naturally shy, it will be hard, but it will get easier to talk about it, and you'll feel a huge benefit.

Best of luck.

X 1000. Excellent advice. OP, you have a wife and three children who love you, you're not a 'freak', just someone with an mildly annoying skin condition. Please follow up with the doctor - there are treatments for both your skin and your anxiety.

Good luck, you sound like a really nice guy who just needs to believe that you are.

anon999

Thanks for the comments and support. Mind you, its more than mildly annoying – it completely affects my confidence and how I interact with people as a result. I will certainly take the advice on board and see if it makes a positive difference.

jiggleboss

Hello OP,

My sister suffered with Rosacea. Definitely go to your doctor. She had it very bad, to the point that one of her cheeks was almost permanently swollen with unbearable burning. She was put on antibiotics (a specific kind for skin conditions) and that kept it under control completely. It can take up to six weeks possibly longer before you see results though. Be optomistic because although it cannot be cured, it can be treated. There are plenty of treatment options for it.

Good luck:)

username123

Hi OP, couldnt agree more with the poster Shiva.

I know its bloody terrible to have your confidence knocked like this, but its much much bigger in YOUR mind than it is in other peoples. Put yourself in someone elses shoes, if you saw YOU and did a double take, why would you be doing it? Im 100% sure its not to laugh, snigger, or think that youre a freak. Its because when people see something unusual they look again - more to check was that what they really saw than anything else. Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives and their own social issues to pay too much attention to anyone elses. Plus, when you see something all the time, you dont notice it so much anymore, so while people may have mentioned it to each other once or twice, lets face it - your skin condition is hardly the most exciting conversation people are going to want to be having, they want to talk about themselves, their families, their dates, their kids, who is snogging who, whats happening on Big Brother etc... Your skin is really gonna be low down on the priority list of topics of conversation - and if it does come up its gonna be 'whats the story with yer mans skin?', 'dunno, been like that a while, poor guy', 'yeah, nasty, here, did you see coronation street last nite?'. Seriously - thats the level of interest people will have!!!

As for the make up - people are just gonna think that it was some medical cream or powder - if they noticed at all. The day you come in with mascara and lipstick is the day people see you as the guy wearing makeup - not for a bit of powder!

Definitely go to your doctor, and go with a positive mind, medicine can do a lot of skin conditions these days.

I had a very good friend with the most awful eczema years ago, it was so bad that he was literally swathed in bandages like a mummy. Dreadfully itchy and bits of flaking skin, bleeding, etc... Just horrendous for him. He was the most confident guy I ever knew. He had women falling all over him, always was the life and soul of parties etc... He told me years later that he used to cry himself to sleep every night, and that he suffered with terrible social anxiety over his skin (the stress worsened the condition too). But he knew that it would be social suicide to a teenager to let his fears show so he just pretended he was full of confidence. The thing was, because he had everyone fooled, he got social feedback as though he WAS really confident, and hence, that improved his self confidence!! As he said later - ACT confident, and you will come to BE confident.

Seriously, try not to worry so much about this, it is the rare person who doesnt have some occasion with something on the face that makes them self conscious (for me its massive weeping angry coldsores from time to time), some people get boils, exzema, psoriasis, acne, spots, pimples..... the list goes on and most of the human population suffer something unsightly on their face at some stage. Youre not your face. You are much more than that.

anon999

great post username123 and thanks to the other posters also.

I was prescribed rosex by the doctor. No dramatic improvements but it's early days yet.

The big thing is that, while I can't change the behaviour of other people, I have managed to change my own behaviour and not be too self-conscious about it. You are right in that if others sense you are uncomfortable in yourself, they will tend to avoid you whereas if you are confident, you get a positive reaction from most people.

Thanks again to all the posters. Not a live happily ever after story but certainly I feel a lot more positive in myself and from the views expressed here.

amdublin

Good for you!
Glad to hear you are feeling a bit betteer after posting here.

I would like to reiterate that no one is looking at you. To be honest I think everyone has a bit of blushing/redness in work ever now and again sure no one bats an eyelid - it is perfectly natural.

Don't give it another thought. Go into work tomorrow with your head held high and get on with your new job!

Good luck!

Terry

I'm going to be blunt here.
**** them.

If you've a bit of a rash on your face and they find it funny, then they're not the type of people who are worth your time or energy.

From a physical aspect, try Simple Soap.
I'm allergic to scented soaps. Simple does the job.
I use Fairy for washing my clothes.
Anything else makes me break out in a rash.

Then there's the stress thing. Your GP should be able to sort that for you.

Finally, **** anyone who points and laughs. Bitches probably have a VD anyway.
You can be guaranteed that they are insecure about something.

anon999

hi again,

I'm at a very low eb this week, can't sleep properly because I'm finding myself more and more isolated at work. There are some good people there but there is a large clique that have decided I am to be frozen out.

I didn't help myself by using fake tan on and off a while back. I thought it would be subtle enough but obviously not. Yea, the things you will do when you are desperate. I think because of the type of lights in the office it showed up badly and might have been obvious.

Some of these people I would have chatted with before but now I just get a stare as if I'm a child molestor or something.

The ironic thing is that I did it because I didn't want to be noticed but there you go. Don't know what to do now as I feel I've backed myself into a corner.

Pathetic situation for a grown man to be in

amdublin

Hi dude, i'm sorry to hear you are feeling a bit low again.

Fk this ejits in work. If they can't see past a bit of fake tan, which I am sure was obvious you were trying to cover a condition then bulky for them.

You sound like a good decent person. My advice would be stick with with people who you are getting on with and fk the rest. Bring a book in to work for lunch if you are on own. Or even better go for a stroll, get some fresh air and a clear head.

Good luck, stick with it, things always get better.

anon999

my family in general do suffer from poor complexions. My father especially has a colour like a tomato and that's the way I'm going.

Thing is, it never seemed to bother him that much - I guess he just had to get on with it because there weren't any creams or gels, etc. back then although I always remember he tended to avoid shops because of the bright lights -just like I do.

I remember once in secondary school and a schoolmate asked me was there something wrong as apparantly my face was so red.

I wish I could be more like my father but maybe I'm just plain vain or it could be that that is why I am so conscious of it.

One of the problems I am finding at work is that when I'm in meetings and I am conscious of my face, I think others start to feel uncomfortable because they sense me being uncomfortable. Oh, you could go on about it for ages.....

amdublin

I know its easier said than done but I really think you're going to have to work really hard not to focus on you skin so much...

People have different skin/complexions, take a look around the bus or train time, everyone is different. Not everyone has perfect clear skin!! You are not alone dude!

username123

hey OP -sorry to hear this is getting you down so much again recently. Did you ever follow up with the doctor since you first posted? Any outcome on that?

Re the fake tan - I bet it wasnt even that noticeable and even if it was - so what. People used to regularly come into my last job totally orange and no one cared.

I would say that first of all, people are not noticing or thinking nearly as much of the situation as you yourself do, and also you are totally correct, if you are feeling and acting uncomfortable, then thats going to affect the behaviour of other people because they are going to start feeling uncomfortable as well.

I agree with the previous poster who says to try and not focus so much on it.

Try also not to be focusing on what other people are thinking. Culturally we dont do a lot of staring, you could well be over noticing normal glancing and focusing on it thinking the person is staring at you - when half the time theyre probably worrying did they take the washing in and not even thinking about or noticing you!!

When you are feeling self conscious its so important to remember that its YOU feeling self conscious - most people arent noticing anything about you!! They really just dont care - YOU care - and you are projecting that onto everyone around you thinking that because you care, they must too - they dont.

I notice in the first post you say that the job you are in is quite recent. Were you this self conscious in your last job? Is the job itself causing some level of stress that is making this worse for you?

Miss Fluff

You poor thing, what a nightmare.I don't think using fake tan or cosmetics is going to help at all, in fact I think it just compounds the problem. Have you investigated laser treatment? I'm almost positive it works for this particular condition

anon999

hi,

yes, I was prescribed rosasex (can't remember the correct spelling). that seemed to get rid of the little pimples that occur but my face is still red (esp around the cheeks) and by the time I get home from work, its blotchy red and almost unnatural looking.

Yes, the job is causing me stress alright. I find by the time I get to work, I'm feeling little darts of heat throughout the body and this all feeds into going red, etc.) I will be chatting to my manager on Monday as I'm not getting clear directions on what I should be doing exactly.

As far as laser treatment goes, I believe that only works if you have veins appearing under the surface of the skin and I don't have that.

amdublin

Would you talk to the dr? Maybe your experiencing some kind of anxiety or panic attack. The dr might be able to help with that.

username123

You need to talk to the doctor further on this if the treatment is not doing as much as you need it to.

It does sound like you are suffering a lot of anxiety - which compounds the issue for you - so please speak to your doctor about that also.

I suffer from blotchiness myself if I get hot, or scratch. It was worse when I was younger and more self conscious. Its quite normal for people to have complexions in a range of colours though, I see many people with high colour and think no more of it.

I dont want to sound like Im suggesting you are a nutball - but I would strongly suggest you research or speak to someone about your own self consciousness and how to deal with it. You have become self conscious about this to a point where its controlling your life - you need to take back that control. Please dont think I mean you are being silly or anything like that, but you have gotten yourself into a negative feedback loop of massive self consciousness, its getting you down, its affecting the actual physical problem, you are very stressed about it - you need to talk to someone about all of this!!! Its really not good for your mental OR physical health.

There is one aspect of simply getting the physical problem under control, but there is another very very important aspect of learning how to deal with the emotions that the physical problem causes, in a healthy way that doesnt cause you even more stress. Do you know what I mean?

anon999

i hear what you are saying and yes there is a social anxiety aspect to this also. Last time I was at the doc, I mentioned this and she gave me some info on a good course available locally. I will have to take that further now and organise a session.

I'm normally quite relaxed about things but this is all tied in to the new job alright as its a lot more pressure than I'm used to.

thanks for the replies - its nice to know that some people actually give a **** about what others go through

amdublin

We absolutely do anon999. You have our support and me personally I KNOW things will get better.

If I were you I'd have a chat with your doctor. A problem shared, is a problem halved. Sometimes just talking to someone really really helps.

I'm sending positive vibes to you.
Chin up and good luck
Amdub.

username123

Yeah agree with amdub - things are definitely going to get better. (and the rest of his/her post).

The course sounds like a great idea. Particularly if you get to talk to people who have suffered something similar to what you are going through emotionally. Im a big believer in being able to talk to people who actually relate to whats going on with you - helps you work through whats going on in the mind and sort it out more peacefully than if you are feeling isolated and embarrassed etc...

Im sure the new job will settle down in time as well, new jobs are very stressful at the best of times anyway!

Its very hard to be feeling down about things and not seeing a way out of a situation, and sometimes when you are IN a situation its impossible to see a way forward. Thats why its best to talk it out, even posting here you get some ideas.

Another idea I had for you was some exercise - not for your physical problem, but as a stress buster. Some kind of activity where you can go in the zone and just let the brain float off. I personally find swimming great for that, other people prefer walking, running, yoga, pilates - doesnt matter what it is, so long as it lets the brain relax and switch off.

You could also think about going for some deep tissue massage - its absolutely brilliant for getting rid of tension in the muscles, which you no doubt have as a result of all the stress youve been under. The effects can last weeks too!!

Or maybe meditation, there are meditation and breathing classes on youtube that could help you in the quest to de-stress.

Remember that lots of people suffer stress for whatever reason in life, it doesnt matter what causes it - its how you handle it thats important.

SlimCi

Actually I think this skin issue for you has gone on long enough. I think you should be asking your Dr for a referal to a Dermatologist/Consultant because whatever your GP is doing isn't working and the whole thing is affecting your self confidence.
With regard to your self confidence I think if you get proper medication that works this probably won't be as much of an issue but if you find that this is going to be an unresolved issue then maybe some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy would help you to deal with your feelings about your self image.

To be honest I worked in a large organisation for years and one guy in our place had an allergy which meant his lips swelled up like footballs, it was dreadful for him and they went all red. He just told everyone he had an allergy and they stopped being ignorant and didn't take any notice from then on. Maybe if you just mentioned your skin issue in passing and say its driving you mad at the moment they will stop being so bloody ignorant and nosey. Hope this is of some help and that it clears up soon for you OP, best of luck with it

jiggleboss

Yes exactly what Slimci said. Get a dermatologist referral. A dermatologist also will be more sympathetic to your situation as that is what they are there for. There are treatment options that work. Medications available that can keep rosacea under control. And although I am not certain I think there is a special type of laser therapy (IPL or something?).

Google Rosacea Support Group. It is a useful website and will help you better understand the treatment options so that when you go speak to your GP you are informed. If you are not happy with the results of your current treatment then ask your GP what else can be done.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Op,
I know what your going through...I suffer with psoarisis. A few years ago, I had a pretty bad flare up on my scalp that started to progress down my forehead.
I was so consious of it and thought that everyone was staring at me and thinking i was some kind of freak. I got really down and the treatments the doctor was giving werent working. I really withdrew myself from my friends and acquaintances. Didnt want to socailise or meet anyone knew. Started feeling sick at the thoughts of going into work.
Anyway to cut a long story short, found a treatment that worked...slowly started to come out of my shell a bit and plucked up the courage to go to the pub with a friend. she commented that i had been a bit off with people the last few months and wondered what was up...i told her bout my skin condition and how conscious i felt because of it (esp being on face...cant exactly hide it!) She literally stared at me and said 'thats what you were worried about?!!! you f****ng lunatic' She said that she knew i had skin problems but that she couldnt understand my reaction to it. she didnt realise what a big deal it was for me because as far as she was concerned...i was still the same person and a bit of yucky skin didnt change that and as an adult i should know better. She then proceeded to tell me all about the 'huge disgusting spot' she had on her chin!!! Which to me barely looked like a pimple!
We had a good chat that night and basically she kicked my ass for letting it bother me so much.
I decided to take her advice on board and really tried to make an effort and just forget about the disgusting sight on my face (easier said than done).
Fast forward a few weeks, in work, a colleague started chatting to me, out of the blue. at the end of the conversation, he said 'your actually alright to talk to' cue some questioning from me! turns out i was so self conscious that people were looking weird at me and talking about me that i was basically coming across as a miserable, snotty cow when in reality i was just uncomfortable and embarrassed.
I still get flare ups every now and then...its tough to deal with but i just keep telling myself, I am a worthwhile person, having a skin condition does not take away from who i am.
have confidence in yourself OP, you seem like a genuinely decent person who should hold their head up high. If something like this was afecting one of your kids, you'd tell them that they shouldnt be ashamed of themselves and rightly so!
Hope this helps

LegacyUser

Hi there. As with everybody else, I sympathise with you. I had rosacea myself and it really did take a toll on my confidence and nerves. I thought I looked like I had a big mad drinkers face on me all the time and really did think everybody was judging me thinking I was going home every night and flooring a bath of alcohol!

I worked in a building that was getting a makeover and the cement aggravated my skin no end. My face was raw and sore and dry from the burning. Looking back now I should have requested a transfer, but at the time I was just getting on with it.

What I found helped was gel cool packs in the evening – that took the burning sensation out for a while, but most helpful I found to be soothing facials. The pinky soft feeling would stay over a few days and gave the skin a chance to heal a little so I used to get one on Friday and the just be really gentle with my skin all weekend. Hypoallergenic products are good for not aggravating it too. And stress – that really does cause half the problem. I’m in a different job now out of that building and I have no symptoms.

If you are going down the powder route, Bare Minerals gives good coverage. But I really wouldn’t. Your Doctor will give you a medicated foundational powder. I got one from Blackrock Clinic and it was great, but I can’t for the life of me remember the name. Ill root it out tonight.

anon999

great to hear all the positive suggestions - thank you all

onofakind, sounds like you have a good friend there but I can't help but get the impression that there are a minority of people who take some satisfaction in looking at other people's obvious imperfections.

My first memories of being self-conscious are when I was about 12. At that stage I was over 6 ft tall and going to mass was a nightmare. As soon as I stood up, I was puce and convinced everyone was staring at me. I have my wife's head wrecked from always asking her wherever we go, is my face very red, is it red, are you sure? My confidence is intrinsically linked to the colour of my face and I have to break that link.

I used to use talc when I was at college to reduce the colour and once when I was away on a trip in France, I was in a toilet which didn't have a lock. Some man barged in only to see me with this white powder on my hands and face - I'm sure he thought I was doing drugs and ran out!

You are right to point out that you do probably errect barriers as other people might get the wrong impression so its just trying to accept it and get on with it. I think if mirrors weren't invented, it would be better. I do find when I relax that I'm not as self-conscious about it.