I don't know how to handle this

LegacyUser

long story . I moved to the uk with my boyfriend few months ago , before that a year ago his father committed suicide , the boyfriend never grieve for it had an odd relationship withh his father . when we moved the uk i found it hard to find a job only tem stuff , boyfriend had to support me and it caused him great stress . week ago he tried to hang himself after having a nervous breakdown that morning.

hes now in a mental hospital in the uk im trying to be strong but i just can't cope hes talking giberish but he broke up with me yesterday accused me of using him for his money then begged me to get back said he loved me just the financial stress then broke up again ten mins later hes head is all over the place so im going back home to ireland tonight . I don't want to give up on him but i don't have the money to stay in the uk,

so if anyone could please give me advice , im at the end of my rope so confused please any1 whos been through this help me i don't know weather to go home be there for himl until hes better or just move on

Thornography

You are either a horrible troll, Or a horrible person.

Esoteric_

OP, ignore that horrible first comment.

I've had a boyfriend who went off the rails and ended up in a psych ward, where I could not afford to visit him, so I know how you feel right now.

The thing is, you can't make him better. If he's dumping you and his head's all over the place, you being there all of the time might not be helping. By all means stay in touch and talk to him on the phone and stuff (because you have to move back here), but he's gonna be all over the place for quite a while. He's been through hell by the sounds of it, so try to be understanding, even though it's really hard for you too.

Talk to him, try to keep his spirits up but remember that there is honestly nothing else you can do. He's in a safe place, a place designed for helping him to get better, so try not to worry too much because if you worry too much then you won't be able to be any help to him.

Good luck, and just remember that you can support him and be there for him but if he's dumping you and asking you back, just tell him you're there for him no matter what, but don't focus on the relationship side of things, he won't be able to deal with the stress of it if he's as bad as you say.

Remember also to look after yourself. What's happened is very traumatic for you too and you need to look after your own mental and physical well being BEFORE your boyfriend's. Try to chill as much as possible and look after yourself first and foremost because if you're not coping, you can't be there supporting your boyfriend.

Thornography

givemestrength wrote: »

I don't want to give up on him but i don't have the money to stay in the uk

AND

givemestrength wrote: »

im at the end of my rope

Your name is also give ME strength.

That is one of the most horrendious posts I have ever seen.

Dont make this post about you. Dont let money stop you helping someone who is CLEARLY in need. Be there for him.

Morag

Thornography wrote: »

Dont make this post about you. Dont let money stop you helping someone who is CLEARLY in need. Be there for him.

If she doesn't have money to buy food then I can't see how she can stay there to be there for him.



givemestrength you can't be responsible for his happiness. He is unwell and in a place were professionals can help him. Clearly you are not in a position to be able to help so go home, get your life together and be in touch with him while you do that.

eternal

Its appalling you would leave him now.Plus fyi you cant have a nervous breakdown ' that morning' ,its something that builds up until you crack.You probobly didnt see the signs but he must have bern suffering for a while.
It sounds to me hes a wallet filler for you.Maybe hes better off without you ,but at least wait until hes left out of hospital.Its the least you could do for him after he supported you.

loloray

Thornography wrote: »

You are either a horrible troll, Or a horrible person.

OP, I don't post a whole lot in PI, but I feel compelled to post due to the horrible posts that Thronography made, and also the (albeit slightly less horrible) post from eternal.

Can you guys not read?

OP said

givemestrength wrote:

I don't want to give up on him but i don't have the money to stay in the uk

.

It's all very well saying that you don't need money to help someone, but you need money to survive. I'm actually in shock at reading the replies there.

To the 'mean' posters, in extreme cases like this, it is not unusual for people close to the patient to be actually making the situation worse, even though they mean well. Sometimes the hospital will ask these people to have no contact for a period of time.

OP, I honestly don't know what advice to give to you. People who are in mental hospitals or who suffer from exteme depression are very difficult to be around. You can be there as much as you can, but really, YOU can't 'fix' your boyfriend. I guess, where he is now, is the best place for him, but perhaps it would help him to get transferred back home, if he has a better support network here.

If you have no money to stay, then logically, you need to come home. With the advancements of modern technology, it is possible to continue a long-distance relationship, even if it is literally writing letters and sending pictures to him. If you want to stay in a relationship with your boyfriend, then this is going to be a very hard and long journey, and you will have to be very patient.

If you don't think your boyfriend is 'The One', and you choose to leave him, then good luck too.

You are right that you need strength. *hug*

Ickle Magoo

Thornography infracted.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.

If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies ,some posters on this have helped me so much just through their understanding Im going to visit in three weeks to see hows he is doing and I ve been ringing everyday and staying strong for him because hes the kindest person I know and my best friend throughout eveything . I will not give up not until he's better then I will leave him alone if he wishes , he honestly doesn't know whats going on around him at the moment he thinks hes seeing things and hearing things.

I cannot believe the ignorance of those two posters above. I am not with him for his money before we had ever moved to the uk I bought him a car , paid for both our rent and helped him even before i was going out with him .

Pretty_Pistol

Does he have anyone in England to support him through this? He needs support and is probably just venting his angered grief at the closest person to him - you. Is there anyone from his family that he is close to who could afford to go over?

Esoteric_

Hi OP,

Just read your response and as far as your boyfriend goes, you are doing all the right things so keep your chin up and keep doing what you're doing. I'm sure he'll be a lot better after treatment

And don't feel like you need to justify yourself to some people here. You very clearly care a hell of a lot about your boyfriend and that can be seen from what you've written. Money is not the issue here, so don't let it be. You can still be there for him even if you have to come back to Ireland. He needs emotional support which is what you're giving him. Good luck!

eternal

givemestrength wrote: »

Thanks for the replies ,some posters on this have helped me so much just through their understanding Im going to visit in three weeks to see hows he is doing and I ve been ringing everyday and staying strong for him because hes the kindest person I know and my best friend throughout eveything . I will not give up not until he's better then I will leave him alone if he wishes , he honestly doesn't know whats going on around him at the moment he thinks hes seeing things and hearing things.

I cannot believe the ignorance of those two posters above. I am not with him for his money before we had ever moved to the uk I bought him a car , paid for both our rent and helped him even before i was going out with him .

Im sorry but to be fair you didnt mention of of that in the first post.You should have been clearer.i hope everything works out.

LegacyUser

OP,

DO NOT LET SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE REPLIED HERE MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY!! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!

Ok, Cap locks off

OP, Mental health is a funny area. If you love and care from someone who is sick in any way then of course you want to help them.
Having said that, mental health is not like other sicknesses, it CAN be helped but only by the person themselves. The problem arises in the situation you are in, you are being blamed for things one minute, then the next you are begged for help and to be there for the person and it goes in a constant constant spiral of this sort of thing over and over and over.

Really, the only way to break the spiral is not to react to every little thing. I've been there and its horrible because often you are abused to the last for not reacting to every little flip out, breakdown and threat but its only when they realize they can't manipulate you to get a reaction then they will eventually learn it is not working and begin to stop. And I know that sounds horrible but its true.

As I said, from experience being on the end of this, you must feel bad but please realize none of this is your fault, it is the person them-self and may have been simmering for a while but is NOT your help.

If you are seriously committed and want to stay, then your doing the right thing going back home, in order to support yourself. Stay in touch and be clear you want to help him but also show that you are doing this as it is the only way to support yourself until you can both get back to normal.

My last point, and I know some people who have not experienced this will flame me for it BUT...
If you are really at your last wit and don't think you can live with this reoccurring... then you need to walk away. None of this is your fault and even if you get some abuse or flip outs or threats, none of this is your fault and there is nothing you can do or could have done. He broke up with you and if you feel you can no longer cope, just take care of yourself, make it clear you cannot continue with this do not allow yourself to be drawn back in with guilt.

The main point here is take care of YOURSELF and do not be guilted and do not let insensitive posts in this thread make you feel bad. Take care of yourself and I hope this all works out for the better. Good Luck.