Long Term Boyfriend Refuses To Get Married

LegacyUser

Wondering what opinions are on this - should I break up a good relationship because he won't get married?

History - BF and me have been together for 14 years, give or take a 2 year blip when we were on-off when I moved away for work (and also I guess because we weren't fully committed - no-one else involved). No idea how time has drifted along and here we are at him 41 and me 38 not married. Marriage is a reasonably big thing for me, I wouldn't say I'm obsessed about it (obviously I'm not or I would have left him long before now!) but I'm not getting any younger and I would like the recognition and security and indeed romanticism that the institution of marriage brings. He knows all this (I have told him many times) and I guess we are engaged, in that I have an engagement ring from 7 years ago and its never been officially called off.

We get on well together, relationship is pretty smooth with similar interests and no great arguments/problems. Well, thats my take on it. When pushed on the marriage issue, he will launch into criticism of my various shortcomings. He's always rather vague on these, but generally its about the "way" I am, how "nothing would change" if we got married, etc, when pushed on specifics he will claim we argue a lot (we really don't but I think he must classify not always agreeing on watching the same tv programme and him not saying anything as an argument). When asked to give specific examples, he's pretty stumped, but when pushed (we went to counselling a couple of times) he gave an example of how three years ago I changed my mind one night about seeing a film to going for a meal and how I didn't like the menu at the first place we looked at because it was a bistro, and suggested another place. I'm honestly stumped as to how anyone could make such an issue out of that one!

As mentioned above, we did give counselling a go when we had our on-off phase and I guess it worked in that we got together again but it left me feeling very frustrated in that the counsellor was a real old fashioned type who thought I should bend over backwards to accommodate his concerns, in case he walked out, while mine weren't given the time of day. He on the other hand, thought it was great.

But day to day, we're happy. At least I think so, I guess he might have some grumble if asked. He does do some stupid things which I honestly think a lot of women would find it hard to put up with, like for example he will go out cycling, get lost and expect me to drop everything to go out in the car and search for him, or he will lose his keys and ditto - its happened a lot of times. He would do the same for me, except it doesn't happen to me so often. And I do cycling too, except I don't tend to get lost and he doesn't like going out cycling with me. I also tend to do a lot of things on my own, because he's always tied up with cycling, or fixing the car, and otherwise I would just be sitting in the house.

Finances are good, though he can be careless with money - I gave him 7000 of my savings recently to buy a new car for us both and he got a sports car instead which he said was a real bargain but has turned out to be a wreck, so now I have to drive round in an old wreck while he spends all his time "trying to fix it" or thinking about a bank loan to trade it in and get something that works properly. But anyway we both earn roughly the same, except I am a contractor and I tend to give myself between 8 and 10 weeks off every summer (don't really take holidays apart from that) and I also like to work 4 days a week. I get caustic remarks about "going off on jollies" during my break and also from his parents, as if I am some sort of hanger on, getting him to pay for me.

Anyway, I've rambled, thats the background. I've given him ultimatums about getting married; he won't. When I pushed him really hard, he said we could get married although "nothing would change" and we could just quickly go to a registry office, which suits me fine as I'm not big into weddings, but he hasn't done anything about it. He's booked a holiday for us abroad in a month's time and I've told him I would like it to be our honeymoon and if we aren't married by then, he'll be going on his own. Silence from him on the issue. So now I haven't spoken to him for 3 days and haven't answered his (one) call. To be honest, I'm hacked off now in the way that builds up over a long period of time and I actually just feel like ending things by stopping all contact - I don't feel that discussing it any further will achieve anything. I kind of feel he's lost interest in me and I'm running after him to get a modicum of affection and interest back. I see friends with their boyfriends and feel quite jealous at all the attention they get from them. I've explained it all to him and he even agrees, as he has several single friends in the cycling club who can't get girlfriends. On the other hand, I'm realistic that you always get more attention from a new partner initially and that in a long term relationship, things are sometimes a bit more "comfortable".

Also at the back of my mind, I'm wondering if I'm really tolerant and there could be a man out there who would actually not mind spending time with me and who wouldn't criticise me for my many supposed faults. Although at 38 I'm not getting any younger and I do kind of think that most of the single men out there would be a bit like him anyway, or worse. ie the best ones are taken. Well I don't actually know of any single men at all that I would contemplate a relationship with. When we were on our on-off phase, I got loads of male attention, which surprised me but I think its because I look much younger than I am and I have my doubts as to whether it would translate into any long term relationship. So if I split up with him, I think I'd have to accept being single - I've got friends who are divorced who have never met other men. But then, staying with him means I'm having to compromise on my life slightly - I'd quite like to move abroad and I'm in a line of work where I could do so.

I've rambled far longer than I intended to - would appreciate any viewpoints on this thanks!

I am a friend

Why would want to marry a guy who has lost interest in you?

LegacyUser

Hm, well I can see why you are concerned OP. I don't like his attitude. I'm not a marrying kind of person myself but I respect some people are and you have every right to be. There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage.

To me there are a few things i really dislike about the story; Firstly is the way he squirms and will not give you a direct answer about marriage. That's a 'no' by the way. THe way he brings up these supposed faults he's nursed for years. The incident about the restaurant is pure bull$hit by the way. There is a particular type of person who when challenged will accuse the other person of something fatuous in order to distract attention away from themselves. This is what he is doing here.

To me he won't give you a straight answer because he knows you will march, so instead he attacks you on imagined faults so that you get busy soul searching and you become off-balance and not sure what is what. This has worked perfectly for him. But it's a tactic you can see through.

The other thing I dislike is the fact that he squandered €7000 of your money on a crock of a sports car when it was agreed a sensible car would be bought. How dare he. He refuses to marry you and yet he spends your money as though it were his. He wants the advantages of marriage (shared money) but without the actual marriage itself. You should demand your money back. It was despicable of him to splurge your cash on a mid life crisis sports car without any permission. Get angry. How are he.

Lastly this business of him getting lost on hs bike and wanting you to come and collect him. He's 41. What does he think you are, his Mother? Seriously OP, that's not acceptable.

I wouldn't hitch my wagon to him. You can do better. But I wont lie, being single in your 30's is hard. But you sound like an outgoing person with interests which helps so much.

I think your man is a lame duck. I think he's a spoilt baby who doesn't know how good he has it. In short, you're too good for him.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Why would want to marry a guy who has lost interest in you?

Well, I don't think he's totally lost interest, just that he's not as interested as in the first few years. He does do some stuff with me and did make an effort to visit me in the past two weekends as I'm away with work (normally we live together). Its just that I kind of feel I'm one of several interests he has now, and I'm not necessarily the first priority over other things that I would consider I should be. Which actually if we were married wouldn't bother me so much, but the fact that we're not married makes me feel insecure.

neuro-praxis

This sounds like a toxic and somewhat miserable relationship to be honest. It sounds as though you are utterly taken for granted. I'm truly sorry, but what you are describing is nothing like the relationship I enjoy with my partner - we've been together almost 13 years and although we argue like anyone else, we are deeply in love, extremely happy and affectionate and can't wait to get home to one another. Our relationship is full of treats, surprises and little kindnesses to one another. That is what you deserve in a loving, romantic relationship. I think marrying this man will only make things worse - because then, it's for life. You're stuck with him.

You are 38. My sister in law and one of my best friends both got married to the love of their lives (recently discovered!) at 40 and 41, and promptly had children (I don't know if that's something you want). But it shows that you can find a wonderful partner at any stage in your life. You clearly want love, affection and commitment, and there are men out there who would want to give it to you. I think you already know what you need to do. Good luck.

moco

This man seems useless and it sounds like you have a joyless life together. Dump him, move abroad and enjoy and exciting, fresh new start. Don't worry about meeting anyone new. While I'm sure it will happen, I would prefer to be single forever than stuck with a man like that.

Miss Fluff

Time to give up on this one OP. He's clearly not interested in you any more and clearly not interested in marrying you either. Why would you waste any more time into pushing him into something he quite clearly doesn't want?

You may or not meet someone but if I were you I'd far prefer to leave myself free to potentially meeting the love of my life rather than coasting along in something stagnant and loveless. Everyone deserves a real chance of happiness and perhaps you'll find that happiness on your own. You're not going to find it with him though.

deisemum

It reads more like a relationship that's a habit rather than a loving one. He doesn't want to marry you and has said so. He sounds like someone who's marking time until someone better for him come along. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you.

I'm 23+ years with my husband, we love each other and apart from the occasional row we look out for each other and don't intentionally do anything to upset the other quite the opposite in fact.

I am a friend

Turned Worm wrote: »

Well, I don't think he's totally lost interest, just that he's not as interested as in the first few years. He does do some stuff with me and did make an effort to visit me in the past two weekends as I'm away with work (normally we live together). Its just that I kind of feel I'm one of several interests he has now, and I'm not necessarily the first priority over other things that I would consider I should be. Which actually if we were married wouldn't bother me so much, but the fact that we're not married makes me feel insecure.

Well you were the one who said he was not that interested!! So I'll re phrase why do you want to marry someone who makes you feel like second or third best?

Also you seem to think that marriage will change his attitude, why?

Starokan

hi op . Its obviously not all bad or you would be gone by now but having said that going on your post alone there is a lot wrong. I think you both are staying with each other out of habit as i think a lot of couples do unfortunately.

To me marriage not the be all and end all , many people just don't agree with the concept and that's fine, i think couples could find a way around this in a loving healthy relationship.

But in your case the most telling thing for me is that when asked about marriage he brings up your various shortcomings. I mean come on , look at this yourself, its ludicrous, your good enough to go out with for 14 years but no way are you getting married because of your "shortcomings".

How can you stay with someone who thinks of you like this.

LegacyUser

I think because youve put up with the situation this long (upset about it yes, but still stayed) that he doesnt think you'll really walk anymore.
The best response I think at this stage is not more trying to get through to him by talking, but just plain and simple action.
Leave.
Then tell him why you left.
You will feel your confidence rise as you'll be acting out of love for yourself, and also it will give this man a cold wake up call.
Let *him* be alone, let him wonder if he'll ever find anyone else that will have him.
It may lead to him swiftly changing his tune, if this really is the man you want to be with, but it may also lead to you realising that its not so scary after all to be by yourself for the sake of what you believe in and you'll feel a huge weight lifted and just be a happier person and completely forget about him?

In any case, I really think the stage of talking is over, you need to act on this and leave him to really but your message forward.

Good luck!

Lilydale

Turning Worm, I can honestly say that I know how you are feeling right now. 3 months ago I made the decision to end my 16 year relationship. Our story is something the same as yours more or less. I kept hoping that things would change but they didnt. The only thing that can change is you. I loved him deeply and still do but you cant get blood out of a stone! 2 weeks after we finished I met him out with his new girlfriend. To say Im heartbroken isnt enough but I hope that someday I could meet someone who loves me just as much as I love them. No one can tell you what to do but you. Trust your gut instinct like I did. It wont be easy - I'm not finding it easy but at least I saw him for what he is now. Selfish. Make a life for yourself without him you deserve better - so do I.

trio

OP, it all sounds terribly stagnant, to be honest. And I'm not really talking about the marriage issue.

It just sounds terribly joyless as a relationship. He doesn't sound tremendously happy in it either.

Do you still have a satisfying intimate life? You haven't said how physical your relationship is, or if it is at all. That can be a good indication of the health of a relationship.

To be honest, it kinda sounds like a habit for both of you.

implausible

OP, I don't think that marriage is the issue here - this is about your relationship, which, as another poster said, seems to have become a habit. It's convenient for both of you, but seems to be lacking in passion or joy. Your boyfriend is right, marriage would change nothing - the relationship is stale and the only difference marriage would make would be to give him ammunition: "well, you made me marry you".

Have you discussed children? I ask because if they are a priority for you, you need to get out of this relationship and make a new start, sooner rather than later. He is wasting your time, wearing down your confidence and making you shoulder the blame for a stale relationship that he has completely neglected.

Use you time off to go travelling - get out of your comfort zone (in every possible way!). When you come back, start working on rekindling your social life. Try something new, meet new people. Even if you end up back with your boyfriend, you will have gained something productive out of your time apart.

I notice when you posted this OP. At that hour of the morning we are all prone to self-pity and depression. But, you felt strongly enough to post this in detail, so please don't just dismiss what you've written as 'being silly' when you look at it in the cold light of day. Look at it as your self-inflicted kick up the arse!

Good luck.

I am a friend

Good points above and marriage isn't going to cure the insecurity you feel in the relationship.

Sadly this type of thread is all too common on boards and I hate to think about how many fab women are sitting out there, in dormant relationships, waiting of him to 'pick' her and marry her.

trio

It's true - marriage changes nothing.

I remember watching an Oprah once where a bride was complaining how her new husband never wanted to do anything with her.

Oprah: Did he want to do stuff with you before?
Bride: Well no, but I thought marriage would change things....
Oprah: Why?? Cos he ate some cake??!

The relationship you have now is going to be the relationship you have after marriage. And it doesn't sound like either of you are on top of the world in it.

coolcat63

OP, you are only 38! I 'ran away' from Ireland almost 5 years ago and have a wonderful life in a fabulous country and a lovely man who adores me as much as I adore him. You've only got one life and you've drifted for 14 years. Don't be part of life's flotsam...

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. Youre Too Good that was a really well measured response and it did hit home what you wrote, you are spot on in so many areas. Deemark neither of us want children. I Am A Friend and others I don't really want to change him, I just want to get married! I actually quite enjoy doing things on my own and not always being seen as as part of a unit of two, and I think a clingy man who didn't allow me my own space would actually drive me mad. I've probably made it sound a lot worse than it is because I've emphasised the bad points.

Anyway, I am pleased to be able to give an update. I hadn't spoken to him since Wednesday and had not picked up his calls. I was going to continue in this vein but he called early this evening and I did pick up. He was really quite contrite so I said it to him about how I was going to leave if we did not get married. And so he was saying he didn't know how to arrange it so quick before the holiday in a month's time, so I just told him to find out and get it sorted. (I am happy with a registry office and don't really want a "big day" but I'm not literally going to drag him to the place myself). So thats what he is now doing. It turns out I need to get an original copy of my birth certificate but we should have time. We will see how it transpires. I am at the end of my tether and will walk and he knows it. Ignoring him is far more effective than repeating the same message over and over again or arguing.

My apologies if I'm not sounding romantic enough - its kind of the way I am (am also a little bit worked up still), which would be why I've let this drift for so long when other women might have walked. I hear what you are saying about finding someone else who would be more ideal, but I don't want to devote so much of my time or energy to finding a partner, and I suspect at my stage in life, it might take quite a bit of effort, I want to to have fun doing other stuff. I'm not afraid of being single but I am getting more out of this relationship than I would being single but perhaps we are a little similar in the respect that we tend to let things drift and are not that bothered about wedding ceremonies. This is the first time I've really pushed him. And he is the type of man you kind of have to push.

Its also not that easy to get married! Both my parents have passed away and I have no-one to pay for, or even help with, a big wedding. So many of our friends have been married recently in big ceremonies, and you almost feel drawn into doing something comparable. Hence why I favour just a quick civil service and then away on a honeymoon. I hope this doesn't come across all as very cold because I'm maybe giving the slightly wrong impression! After 14 years, I don't feel the relationship is at an end and I'd like to give marriage a try.

Zen65

Turning Worm wrote: »

On the other hand, I'm realistic that you always get more attention from a new partner initially and that in a long term relationship, things are sometimes a bit more "comfortable".

Maybe that's true, but in a healthy relationship both parties see this and take action to renew the passion. Your relationship sounds anything but comfortable, and yet you want to encase it in a marriage?

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not anti-marriage. I've been happily married for the past twenty-something years and I do see a real benefit to marriage, but only provided both parties are keen to make it work. Reading your OP I see that both of you seem unhappy with the status-quo, but the only solution you have proposed is a marriage contract.

Turning Worm wrote: »

....I'm not necessarily the first priority over other things that I would consider I should be. Which actually if we were married wouldn't bother me so much, but the fact that we're not married makes me feel insecure.

A marriage where one person has been "dragged to the alter" is no more secure than what you have now. If you're not happy with what you have, I strongly discourage you to use a wedding as a band-aid. You need to either fix the relationship or decide it's not for you. Tattooing your name on him won't make the relationship and better or stronger.


Be at peace,


Z

Miss Fluff

Turned Worm wrote: »

Anyway, I am pleased to be able to give an update. I hadn't spoken to him since Wednesday and had not picked up his calls. I was going to continue in this vein but he called early this evening and I did pick up. He was really quite contrite so I said it to him about how I was going to leave if we did not get married. And so he was saying he didn't know how to arrange it so quick before the holiday in a month's time, so I just told him to find out and get it sorted. (I am happy with a registry office and don't really want a "big day" but I'm not literally going to drag him to the place myself). So thats what he is now doing.

You're very brave. If I took this course of action I'd always be terribly sad that he didn't want to marry me of his own accord and only did it under duress and because he was threatened. Call me a hopeless romantic but I'd prefer a man to propose and really want me as his wife rather than because of an ultimatum. Won't that always be in the back of your mind?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You're very brave. If I took this course of action I'd always be terribly sad that he didn't want to marry me of his own accord and only did it under duress and because he was threatened. Call me a hopeless romantic but I'd prefer a man to propose and really want me as his wife rather than because of an ultimatum. Won't that always be in the back of your mind?

Thanks for your reply but my mind doesn't work that way. I try to move forwards with things, rather than dwell on the past. And if I did have it in the back of my mind, I'd rather have that than having walked out on a reasonably good relationship with none of the major problems many other people have to face up to. I think I did point out though that I was leaving the arragnements and practicalities up to him as I did not want to drag him down the aisle? I know women who have done all sorts to get married, including two at least who have deliberately had contraceptive failures or gone to endless lengths to pretend to be a slightly different person from what they are or changed themselves and their interests, and maybe I should have been one of those women a few years ago instead of being so laid back and missing the momentum that you have when the relationship is newer. I find your use of words like "threatened" and "ultimatum" a little bit inflammatory. so Zen_65 again thank you, I know it would be great if we could all have ideal relationships and devote endless time towards achieving these standards, but not all of us can and we have to make do with what we have.

LegacyUser

Ok OP. well his actions will speak for him.

One piece of advice though on the finances. You mention he is careless, already lost 7 grand of yours and was contemplating getting a bank loan. Good money after bad. He sounds flaky.

I think with marriage money (and therefore debt) becomes communal. I would do a financial health check on him before you sign that register and see what kind of debts, credit cards etc he might have on the qt.

To quote an old cliche, marry in haste repent at leisure.

Turned Worm

Turned Worm wrote: »

Anyway, I am pleased to be able to give an update. I hadn't spoken to him since Wednesday and had not picked up his calls. I was going to continue in this vein but he called early this evening and I did pick up. He was really quite contrite so I said it to him about how I was going to leave if we did not get married. And so he was saying he didn't know how to arrange it so quick before the holiday in a month's time, so I just told him to find out and get it sorted. (I am happy with a registry office and don't really want a "big day" but I'm not literally going to drag him to the place myself). So thats what he is now doing. It turns out I need to get an original copy of my birth certificate but we should have time. We will see how it transpires. I am at the end of my tether and will walk and he knows it. Ignoring him is far more effective than repeating the same message over and over again or arguing.
.

First of all, you need to give 3 months' notice before you can get married, registry office included. So you aren't going to be married before your holiday and there's not a damn thing he can do about it unless he tells them you're dying or something.
Secondly, I feel pretty sorry for you that you think a good relationship and marriage are going to be based on fights, not wanting the same thing in life, lack of communication, childish ignoring games until you get your own way, such lack of respect that he runs off with your money and squanders it. I really don't see how you think that's going to be a good marriage and nothing will change.

Miss Fluff

Turned Worm wrote: »

I find your use of words like "threatened" and "ultimatum" a little bit inflammatory.

You did actually threaten him and issue him with an ultimatum though didn't you?

Mallei

Well apart from a few exceptional couples, what the OP has described would do as an analysis of pretty much every married couple in their forties and fifties, so she's doing just fine joining them.

LegacyUser

Youre Too Good, your advice is very good and I have checked, believe me! As for the car, I was furious and let him know it. The car needs about 2500 of repairs and even then theres no guarantee it will be right. He proposes trading it in and getting another one which he pays for.

Bluewolf,I am quite happy tht i am not childish and ignoring someone is not fighting with them. It was very effective and I am quite pleased with his reaction as he has responded to my concerns and improved on what was bothering me.

Miss Fluff, I asociate words like "threaten" with violence and I would use the word "warn", also I think ultimatums require dates and I didn't give him one. But does it really matter precisely what words are used? It is the meaning between us two which is important, not drama or spin added to it.

I am a friend

Op the other posters are right! It all sounds very unhealthy to me but you've gotten what you want, no matter how, so best of luck to ye.

LegacyUser

So you've got your wish, you are going to be married to him. But what is that going to change? Your posts dont come across to me as a happy or mutually respectful relationship, and I really think it would be worth examining that before you 'make it legal'. Of course I could be totally wrong, but it comes across as though you were focusing on the fact that he wouldn't get married as the major flaw in the relationship, whereas I'd think that was a minor thing, but perhaps symptomactic of real issues. If it were me, I'd think twice, three times and more before making this guy marry you - and yes, "if you dont do x, I'll leave you" is an ultimatum, why on earth would you think that it isnt if you dont specify the date that you'll leave him?!?

neuro-praxis

I am thoroughly depressed by your decision to coerce this person to marry you. How awful. I hope very much for your sake that everything works out for the best.

Firetrap

I hope it works out for you. It sounds to me like a shotgun wedding without the pregnancy.

evry1sm8

I think some people are bring a little hard on the OP.
I think she did the best she could with what she's got.
She already spent years with this man so it must surely be working to a degree that they are both comfortable with.
She stood her ground, stood for what she wanted and let her guy know that she really wants the commitment of marriage, and I think thats fine!
I can totally understand how she would feel that walking away from a relationship like this, that shes been in for this long, and "hope" to find someone else is more of a fantasy dream then being realistic.
And I dont think its fair that people seem to be pitying her for apparently forcing her partner into this, I dont think she has.
She told him what she wanted, she let him know that if she cant have this she will leave, and he has responded by saying ok, lets do that then.
Perfectly fair and she doesnt need anyone sympathy!
Some men just arent the "go-doer" types, and need a push to do things.
They need to be told "this is what I want, if I dont get this I wont be happy"
it doesnt mean then that they were made do it, it means they want to be with this person and make them happy.

Well done OP for standing for what you want and putting it in motion, why should a woman wait around for a man to make all the moves, wanting a marriage is for both parties in a relationship, not just something for the men to decide they want and seek out.

John Mason

OP, I really hope it works out for you and doesnt end either the week before the wedding or 6 months later.

i have seen this with a few people, where they have bullied their partners down the aisle.

LegacyUser

*The car needs about 2500 of repairs and even then theres no guarantee it will be right. He proposes trading it in and getting another one which he pays for.*

How will he pay? With a loan? A loan you'll both be liable for?
Please don't let the funds come from a joint account.

You say 'he proposes trading it in'. Why does he get to decide the terms of fixing the mess. He's shown he's untrustworthy. Why don't you tell him you'll just have the 7 grand back.

His family are fixated with money and so is he. Overly concerned with protecting what they have but very flathulach with yours. Bad trait but you are a big girl so that's your lookout.

To me he is an untrustworthy child. You'll spend the rest of your life having to supervise his irresponsible schemes and saving him from his own messes.

I think you are better than that but you have your mind made up so I can only wish you luck.

LegacyUser

evry1sm8 wrote: »

I think some people are bring a little hard on the OP.
I think she did the best she could with what she's got.
She already spent years with this man so it must surely be working to a degree that they are both comfortable with.
She stood her ground, stood for what she wanted and let her guy know that she really wants the commitment of marriage, and I think thats fine!
I can totally understand how she would feel that walking away from a relationship like this, that shes been in for this long, and "hope" to find someone else is more of a fantasy dream then being realistic.
And I dont think its fair that people seem to be pitying her for apparently forcing her partner into this, I dont think she has.
She told him what she wanted, she let him know that if she cant have this she will leave, and he has responded by saying ok, lets do that then.
Perfectly fair and she doesnt need anyone sympathy!
Some men just arent the "go-doer" types, and need a push to do things.
They need to be told "this is what I want, if I dont get this I wont be happy"
it doesnt mean then that they were made do it, it means they want to be with this person and make them happy.

Well done OP for standing for what you want and putting it in motion, why should a woman wait around for a man to make all the moves, wanting a marriage is for both parties in a relationship, not just something for the men to decide they want and seek out.

Thanks for putting it as it is and not turning it into a drama. I really am a bit surprised at some of the words people use to make something sound more than it is = "depressed", "bullied", "threatened", "ultimatum", "unhealthy" and so on. I'd understand that if I'd described some sort of abusive situation where we are contantly arguing, with problems like alcoholism, drugs or whatever rather than a relatively normal relationship which has slightly lost its way. There are far worse things I've read on being a follower of the boards but it seems people don't always pick up on this? I think its quite easy though on the internet to advise against doing something?

Don't forget i've already said I can't abide clingy men, and while I've described my man's bad points, of course he has many good ones - he's actually pretty reliable, faithful, doesn't get worked up at small things, has a good job and his own place with a small mortgage, is good looking. There are far, far worse men out there and to be honest, most of the good ones are married and i don't fancy taking on someone else's children, for example. I mean, we#d all love tomarry a millionair who treats us like a princess and always go around in a happy daze of agreement, but thats an ideal that few achieve.

youre too good, you are almost uncanny. His parents are obsessed with money, and protecting their own at all costs, and I don't think I hardly mentioned that! Yes, the car is a problem now, and its incredibly annoying. But its only a car.

And for the final time,I am now out to change him. I simply want to formalise the relationship in marriage, not change someone's whole personality to my personal requirements.

LittleBook

Turned Worm wrote: »

I think ultimatums require dates and I didn't give him one.

Yes, you did.

Turned Worm wrote: »

I said it to him about how I was going to leave if we did not get married. And so he was saying he didn't know how to arrange it so quick before the holiday in a month's time, so I just told him to find out and get it sorted.

evry1sm8 wrote: »

Well done OP for standing for what you want and putting it in motion, why should a woman wait around for a man to make all the moves, wanting a marriage is for both parties in a relationship, not just something for the men to decide they want and seek out.

But one of the parties in this relationship doesn't want to get married.

evry1sm8 wrote: »

I dont think its fair that people seem to be pitying her for apparently forcing her partner into this, I dont think she has.
She told him what she wanted, she let him know that if she cant have this she will leave, and he has responded by saying ok, lets do that then.
Perfectly fair and she doesnt need anyone sympathy!
Some men just arent the "go-doer" types, and need a push to do things.
They need to be told "this is what I want, if I dont get this I wont be happy"
it doesnt mean then that they were made do it, it means they want to be with this person and make them happy.

If (from her own descriptions) the OP's partner sounded like the man you're imagining him to be, the responses would be quite different.

Turned Worm wrote: »

When pushed on the marriage issue, he will launch into criticism of my various shortcomings. He's always rather vague on these, but generally its about the "way" I am, how "nothing would change" if we got married, etc, when pushed on specifics he will claim we argue a lot (we really don't but I think he must classify not always agreeing on watching the same tv programme and him not saying anything as an argument). When asked to give specific examples, he's pretty stumped, but when pushed (we went to counselling a couple of times) he gave an example of how three years ago I changed my mind one night about seeing a film to going for a meal and how I didn't like the menu at the first place we looked at because it was a bistro, and suggested another place. I'm honestly stumped as to how anyone could make such an issue out of that one!

He does do some stupid things which I honestly think a lot of women would find it hard to put up with, like for example he will go out cycling, get lost and expect me to drop everything to go out in the car and search for him, or he will lose his keys and ditto - its happened a lot of times. He would do the same for me, except it doesn't happen to me so often. And I do cycling too, except I don't tend to get lost and he doesn't like going out cycling with me. I also tend to do a lot of things on my own, because he's always tied up with cycling, or fixing the car, and otherwise I would just be sitting in the house.

Finances are good, though he can be careless with money - I gave him 7000 of my savings recently to buy a new car for us both and he got a sports car instead which he said was a real bargain but has turned out to be a wreck, so now I have to drive round in an old wreck while he spends all his time "trying to fix it" or thinking about a bank loan to trade it in and get something that works properly.

No-one here expects anyone to be perfect but there is a basic level of common decency, support, respect, affection, attention, care and love that most people would expect from someone they are thinking of marrying and this guy simply doesn't meet it ... for most people.

evry1sm8 wrote: »

I think she did the best she could with what she's got. She already spent years with this man so it must surely be working to a degree that they are both comfortable with. She stood her ground, stood for what she wanted and let her guy know that she really wants the commitment of marriage, and I think thats fine! I can totally understand how she would feel that walking away from a relationship like this, that shes been in for this long, and "hope" to find someone else is more of a fantasy dream then being realistic.

This is the only part of your post that makes sense in the context of this relationship. You and the OP believe that this is as good as it gets and I just can't agree. And this is coming from someone who met the love of their life at 36.

Turned Worm wrote: »

I don't want to devote so much of my time or energy to finding a partner, and I suspect at my stage in life, it might take quite a bit of effort, I want to to have fun doing other stuff. I'm not afraid of being single but I am getting more out of this relationship than I would being single

Turned Worm wrote: »

I know it would be great if we could all have ideal relationships and devote endless time towards achieving these standards, but not all of us can and we have to make do with what we have.

OP, as long as you're going into this with your eyes wide open, there's not much more anyone can say to you. I do wish you luck.

LegacyUser

Turned Worm wrote: »

I mean, we#d all love tomarry a millionair who treats us like a princess and always go around in a happy daze of agreement, but thats an ideal that few achieve.

I wouldn't. I'd rather have a man who has the courage to tell me he's unhappy if I do something that upsets him instead of just agreeing with me. Nothing worse than being with a doormat who has you on a pedestal.

As for my ideal man being a millionaire, yes money's all well and good, but there are plenty other things that would need to be on the list before money makes an appearance e.g. a sense of self, courage, determination, kindness, humour.

C-J

So when the registrar asks 'have you both come here of your own free will', your other half will have to lie, so the marriage wil be a lie from the very start! If money is an issue then you need to work the cost of a divorce into your budget because, i'm sorry op but it's on the cards if you force this man to marry you

LegacyUser

Hi mods, would be grateful if you could close this thread now, as i was looking for opinion on a situation that has been resolved, not wild speculation and would-be fortune tellers!

Sleepy

To be fair, all the OP has said here is marry me or lose me. It's not like she's put a gun to the guy's head. While he might like the status quo to continue, she's not happy with it and he's chosen the option of marriage ahead of singledom.-

Ickle Magoo

Turned Worm wrote: »

Hi mods, would be grateful if you could close this thread now...

Closed as per OP's request.