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Edinburgh Fringe One-Liners

  • 26-08-2011 2:18pm
    #1
    pimpy_c
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 209 ✭✭


    Pulled this from the BBC website:
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532


    The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

    1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

    2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

    3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

    4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

    5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

    6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

    7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

    8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

    9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

    10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."


Comments

  • #2
    ElvisChrist6
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 595 ✭✭✭ElvisChrist6


    pimpy_c wrote: »
    10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

    This is my favourite! :p


  • #3
    luv2dance
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15 ✭luv2dance


    pimpy_c wrote: »
    Pulled this from the BBC website:
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532

    9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."


    I let my voicemail fill up so people can't leave me messages...good to know I'm not alone...


  • #4
    goose2005
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,798 ✭✭✭goose2005


    pimpy_c wrote: »
    2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

    Pretty sure I've heard someone (Milton Jones?) make a very similar joke.


  • #5
    WhitestBoyAlive
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 82 ✭✭WhitestBoyAlive


    http://youtu.be/AG6qQWV5U1Y

    Stewart Francis did that joke - about 40 secs in


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