can anyone shed light on why im not interested in men who are in me..

gmac102

and i like men who arent? its starting to really bug me and affect any decent relationship i have with men as i make it just about sex

does anyone know how i can stop doing it?

Little Miss Lady

It happens to everyone where people are interested in us that we have no interest in and the ones we like have no interest whatsoever..

No one knows but you why you make any decent relationship about sex.

Perhaps go and talk to a counsellor about it if you feel it is hugely affecting your quality of life.

gmac102

Little Miss Lady wrote: »

It happens to everyone where people are interested in us that we have no interest in and the ones we like have no interest whatsoever..

No one knows but you why you make any decent relationship about sex.

Perhaps go and talk to a counsellor about it if you feel it is hugely affecting your quality of life.

i am with a counselor, ive brought it up but maybe i need to work on it more! Thanks

Little Miss Lady

Unfortunately with counsellors it can take months or even a couple of years to find out the root of the problem.
Atleast you're getting there.

Best of luck with it!!

Kadongy

Do you tend to idealise the men you like? See them as amazing?

gmac102

Kadongy wrote: »

Do you tend to idealise the men you like? See them as amazing?

no im just attracted to the fact i cant have them!

hairyprincess

I think you are better off seeing a psychologist rather than a counsellor.

A counsellor will only talk through your issues with you, whereas a psychologist will help you figure these things out and help you get to the root of the problem

inexperienced

hairyprincess wrote: »

I think you are better off seeing a psychologist rather than a counsellor.

A counsellor will only talk through your issues with you, whereas a psychologist will help you figure these things out and help you get to the root of the problem

According to my experience and my knowledge, that's not true.

inexperienced

op, it's good that you know what you want to improve and trying to take steps. Sometimes we need to be patient to see changes. All the best. Treasure what you have.

LegacyUser

Personal experience: even though I can’t have them, I end up projecting on them my fantasies and expectations.

Exactly because I can’t have them, they will never prove me wrong.

If they like me, sooner or later we enter a real relationship. And as with any other living human being, there are good things and bad things in a relationship.

Eventually, for some stupid reason, I end up comparing the bad things of the real relationship with the amazing things of the fantasy relationship (ie, the guy who is not into me, but who would be “just so amazing and perfect, if only he were…”)

Not a fair comparison, hum?

fonecrusher1

hairyprincess wrote: »

I think you are better off seeing a psychologist rather than a counsellor.

A counsellor will only talk through your issues with you, whereas a psychologist will help you figure these things out and help you get to the root of the problem

:rolleyes:

Ah FFS theres no need for talk of going to psychologists & counsellors just yet. Some people have too much money & time on their hands.

Wanting what you cant have & not wanting what you can have is part of life & fairly normal in my opinion. OP just needs to chill out a bit & stop idealising guys who are clearly not interested in her. Just nip it in the bud & move on.

Ickle Magoo

The OP has already stated they are attending a counsellor....so "there's no need for talk of going to..." is a bit of moot point...but I'd agree with the sentiments in this case.

OP, if everyone we fancied, fancied us in return and visa versa it would be a very different world. The fact is the majority of the time we get a crush on someone or they get a crush on us it is going to be unrequited or even if it kicks off a relationship that one party is going to be more into it than the other.

I think you just have to accept that's part of life and keep looking for someone you feel you have a spark with and you think that spark is reciprocated. If you get the feeling it's you doing all the chasing or all the work, then accept it's never going to work and move on.

All the best.

fonecrusher1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

The OP has already stated they are attending a counsellor....so "there's no need for talk of going to..." is a bit of moot point...but I'd agree with the sentiments in this case.

OP, if everyone we fancied, fancied us in return and visa versa it would be a very different world. The fact is the majority of the time we get a crush on someone or they get a crush on us it is going to be unrequited or even if it kicks off a relationship that one party is going to be more into it than the other.

I think you just have to accept that's part of life and keep looking for someone you feel you have a spark with and you think that spark is reciprocated. If you get the feeling it's you doing all the chasing or all the work, then accept it's never going to work and move on.

All the best.

Agreed.

Not to go off point but im sick of seeing people leaping to the same solution....oh you must go to a counsellor???? eh....no you don't. Not in this case anyway. Things like what the OP is describing is normal behaviour in my opinion.

We've all been in situations where you like someone but they simply don't like you back in the same way & hey presto next thing you know you want him/her real bad. Yeah its a balls but what can you do? Move on. OP shouldn't be too worried about this, happens to all of us.

gmac102

I dont think Im getting my point across very well, I like men that i cant have/ or think I cant have and when I can have them. I dont want them anymore.

I do not build anything up in my head about them ie fantasies about them etc

Let me give you an example recently I met a lovely guy, thought he was really nice, went on a date, he showed to much interest in me and I panic and dont want to see them again. Its like this over and over!

Its not that I want someone currently that I cant have, I dont. I just prefer indifferent men!

Anyway Thank you for all your opinions and thoughts

asih

Hi OP,
As littlelady said, only you really know(at some level) why you make relationships only about sex and why you only want men who dont seem to want you. counselling can take years to help you understand why you are a certain way- it has taken many years (experiences) for you to be shaped into who you are today. It sounds like a good idea to bring this up again with your therapist. Perhaps you could explore what you feel about yourself? do you think you are good enough for a man to really want you? what are your thoughts about sex? is it seen as intimate or purely a physical act? if a man does want you what do you think about them? what is the panic you feel? These questions probably dont have immediate answers but may help you reflect.