Friend refused adult only wedding invitation

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. We're getting the RSVP cards now and one couple, close friends have said no on the card that we got yesterday and later that evening text me to say that they weren't going because their two young kids weren't invited too and child care would be an issue. They both live near relatives so I don't believe that child care would be an issue and they're both over 2 years old.

We made the decision not to invite kids (except my fiance's two nieces who are flower girls and we've no other nieces or nephews) as it would be hard to know where to try the line and if you say no to one, the other could take offence etc. Inviting kids of friends would add nearly 30 to the wedding numbers as we're one of the last to take the plunge and being honest I've seen weddings where nobody could or would want to dance because it was full of kids skidding on their knees etc. Cute but I'm not paying €1,500 for a band for that but for everyone to enjoy themselves and dance if they want. I rang and explained this but she remained with thanks but no thanks.

I'm really upset that they said no, I would love for them to be with us on our day as we were for them 5 years ago. Should I back down and invite just those kids or accept the no?

seamus

Just accept the no. Some people get really anal and uppity when it comes to their kids. If you've decided that there will be no kids at your wedding, then stick with it.

As you say yourself, if you back down for this couple, you have to back down for all couples, which will not only increase your costs but you will entirely change the tone of the wedding.

Weddings I've been to with kids have all been quiet affairs - every parent in the room is watching themselves and gone to bed by midnight. When the kids aren't around, parents get to relax and take a night off and there's no reason to take an early night.

People seem to go 50:50 on the issue of kids. Half say that weddings are family affairs, made more fun with kids. The other half say that weddings are adult affairs, children get bored and don't want to be there.

Politely express your regret, but don't push the issue. Don't fall out over this as it would be a ridiculously stupid thing to fall out with good friends over. Don't get into a debate about it, and don't get any third parties involved. With ettiquete and everyone not wanting to offend anyone else, these things quickly spiral out of control and can make things very awkward. Just say that you're disappointed that they can't come but you accept their reasons.

We had a similar scenario where a cousin of mine refused to attend the day without their daughter. We came up with compromises where the child would be taken for a walk by her uncle during the ceremony and then looked after by a childminder in the hotel, in her grandparents' room. But the child's parents point blank didn't want to come unless the child was by their side all day.
So we left them at it and didn't fall out over it.

trio

You can't back down now that the invites have gone out, cos if another couple arrange childcare at great expense to be there, and then turn up and see those two kids there? There'll be war.

Child-free weddings are becoming more common now, but the fact remains with them: they mean some people can't come.

Presumably you knew that before you sent out the invites? That it would mean not everyone would come?

(If not - sorry, but a wee bit naive of you!)

To be honest, there's no such thing as a wedding with 100% attendance anyway, so you can console yourselves with that I guess.

Bride2012

I agree, don't change your mind at this stage, it's not fair on the others who obliged and organised their childcare.

We're discussing this issue right now for next June and the dancefloor and early night for parents issues are making us lean towards adult only and that's the couple's right to decide the tone and guest list.

You sound diplomatic and have outlined your reasons for adult only so if they still say no I think that they could be the people who end up regretting it.

Accept no and enjoy your day.

mikemac

wontgowithoutkids wrote: »

Should I back down and invite just those kids or accept the no?

You can't

As said if the other couples went to the trouble and expense of arranging childminders and found you made an exception they won't be happy.

You made the rule, it's a perfectly straightforward and reasonable rule so stick with it

KittyeeTrix

It's your wedding and you don't need to have kids there if you dont want them.
I got married and the only kids at my wedding were my own 4 children. It would've been ridiculous the amount of kids that would've been at my wedding day if I'd allowed them to go so we chose to have none there at all....

Forget about it now and look forward to "your" day..:)

LegacyUser

they both live near relatives so I don't believe that child care would be an issue and they're both over 2 years old

I believe it. Just because they have relatives nearby doesn't mean the relatives are available or will look after their children. It's really not that simple OP. Babysitters are like hens teeth and babysitting favours have often to be saved for emergencies.

It could be that the relatives do enough already/will be on holidays/work/aren't suitable carers or something you don't know about.

When you say child free wedding then you have to expect that people with kids will not be able to attend. It's pretty common.

Also being a parents is very expensive. Weddings cost a lot to go to. I know you'd love them there but I believe that they really have good reason and i'd be in favour of child free weddings.

LegacyUser

Stick to your guns, I have two little ones myself and to be honest I'm usually relieved when it's just the hubbie and I invited as it means a day and night out to ourselves to relax and I don't have to be concerned about them around adults who've had a few drinks as this can be unnerving for some kids.

Don't forget how disruptive kids can be too, crying baby during vows, kids running into waiting staff and all that.

People have different views family occassion v's adult meal and night out the same as any other night out would be but if they've opted out then that's their call.

I am a friend

Absolutely no not invite them. Sounds like an excuse to be honest so let them off. Your day, your way!!

It would only open a whole other can of worms if the other parents see kids there on the day. If they really wanted one of them could go to the day. They are just being awkward.

Big Bag of Chips

Nope! Don't back down, don't make an exception. People have to accept a couple's wishes on the day.

What if you make the exception for her.. she says it to another couple of your friends, they ask for the exception to be made for them. Your cousins/neighbours/distant relatives look for the exception to be made for them....

It's YOUR (pl) day, to be done YOUR way, with no apologies to anyone.

solerina

Stick to your guns and dont start inviting children now....(I didnt even realise this would be an issue as I have been to many many weddings and of them all there were only children at one of them)

Chinafoot

I wouldn't back down if I were you. You've made the decision not to have kids and thats entirely your right. Its your day afterall.

All I would say is that you shouldn't assume that they're lying.

wontgowithoutkids wrote: »

They both live near relatives so I don't believe that child care would be an issue and they're both over 2 years old.

I have seen someone very close to me turn down a wedding and a 40th party invitation because there was literally nobody available to mind her children and she didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a stranger. Her parents were away both of the weekends involved, her sister was also going to both events as were most of her friends. Its not beyond the realms of possibility that everyone you would trust with your kids could have plans on the same night.

If they are lying then thats their choice but I wouldn't let this damage the friendship. Accept the no, tell them you're very sorry that they can't make it but would love to meet up after the wedding.

Sleepy

Just let them know that you think it's a shame they can't make it but if they manage to arrange a babysitter you'll be delighted to take a last minute acceptance from them.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, I'll stick with the adult only rule.

It's a good point about not fully knowing if someone was available to mind the kids just because the relatives are nearby, I'll just have to take their word for it or assume that there's another reason and leave it be. Thanks

SATSUMA

I hate going to weddings with kids!!! They get tired and cranky-it's such a long day for them. Anyways, if your friends really wanted to be there they would.

It could well be a financial issue these days and the kids might be an excuse.

If they are good friends, you will find a way to celebrate another time. If they are just being anal about it then who needs friends like that. Its your special day, time for your "friends" to give a bit this time.

Good luck, xx

calex71

Wow, I've no kids but if I did there is no way I'd want to drag a 2 year old to a wedding to spoil my merriment

Also I know if I asked a friend or family member to mind them for the day it would be no problem, sounds like your friends are being difficult for the sake of it, grandparents would usually have no problem looking after wee ones for an event or occasion (have had nieces stop here when weddings came about ). They are just being silly OP don't back down or loose any sleep over it and enjoy the day !!!!!!!

RhubarbCrumble

You're right OP. At the end of the day it's YOUR wedding day so do what makes YOU happy. If your friends get iffy with you over it then I would see it as their problem not yours.
Personally I don't think weddings are a place for small children. The day is too long for them, they get cranky and upset and this annoys other people.
There'll always be some people who believe their 'little darlings' should be the centre of attention and that the world should revolve around them :rolleyes:

Firetrap

They could be using it as an excuse not to go if money's tight. Or not, as the case may be.

Either way, I'm glad that you're sticking to your guns. We've all seen every sort of weird and wonderful way that people have tried to keep numbers down at weddings. I'm not sure weddings are good for bringing younger kids to anyway.

up for anything

I've had to turn down wedding invitations because of the child care issue. It can cost a bomb if the wedding is far enough away that you have to overnight it in a hotel or B&B and it's sods law that people who would do it for nothing are already doing something else. I don't see why people are assuming that the couple are refusing to come because their kids aren't invited rather than that because the kids aren't invited it becomes more problematic. If they have a regular babysitter it could be that she/he isn't old enough to be left minding them overnight and into the next day and not just the cost. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

jimmycrackcorm

wontgowithoutkids wrote: »

They both live near relatives so I don't believe that child care would be an issue and they're both over 2 years old.

That's a big assumption you are making. I would be very reluctant to dump my kids on relatives where they hadn't stayed with them before. You'll just have to accept that the circumstances are different now than 5 years ago.

Floppybits

OP, you are right not to have kids at your wedding. As others have said it is not the place for them.

I don't understand why parents would want to bring their kids to a wedding? Would it not be a nightmare to constantly have to get up and down to them throughout the day?

If people don't go they don't go you just have to accept it. Yes its disappointing but that's the way it is but you will have a great day anyway.

Penny Dreadful

As it happens I'm minding my sisters three children from this afternoon until tomorrow night to allow her and her husband attend a wedding. The kids were invited too but they decided not to bring them because they are 9,7 and 5 and whlie the 9 year old girl would be sooo into the whole thing the 7 year old boy would be bored stupid and the 5 year old girl would get tired and bored pretty quickly too.
It also means that my sister can have a fun night out and not have to head to bed at 9pm with the kids and miss out on everything else going on.
Most sensible parents, IMHO, would prefer this kind of option. So OP don't worry about it.

As a little aside, I know a woman who got an invite to an adult only wedding and decided to bring along her 2 year old and 3 month old and got snotty with the hotel for not catering for her children, they couldn't eat the food everyone else was having, there wasn't enough room at the table for the buggy and it was squashed with the 2 year old sitting up too........

Butterflylove

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

As a little aside, I know a woman who got an invite to an adult only wedding and decided to bring along her 2 year old and 3 month old and got snotty with the hotel for not catering for her children, they couldn't eat the food everyone else was having, there wasn't enough room at the table for the buggy and it was squashed with the 2 year old sitting up too........

Wow what a cow! Im getting married in 2013 (woop) have a 3mth old girl atm and would love a child free wedding.... odds are it probably wont happen alot of family have children and would not have any baby sitters as rest of family would be there,

we'd actually would probably have no one come in the end lol

afkasurfjunkie

have gone for a child free wedding here too. oh has over 20 nieces and nephews and id have over 10 kids of cousins im close to. so thats 30 kids before including other guests. and although id miss having the 'cute' element of a couple of kids at a wedding, 30 is just mental! not even having a flower girl or pageboy bucause it would probably cause family ructions too.

Penny Dreadful

Butterflylove wrote: »

Wow what a cow! Im getting married in 2013 (woop) have a 3mth old girl atm and would love a child free wedding.... odds are it probably wont happen alot of family have children and would not have any baby sitters as rest of family would be there,

we'd actually would probably have no one come in the end lol

Congratulations on your wedding. Hope you have a great day.

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

have gone for a child free wedding here too. oh has over 20 nieces and nephews and id have over 10 kids of cousins im close to. so thats 30 kids before including other guests. and although id miss having the 'cute' element of a couple of kids at a wedding, 30 is just mental! not even having a flower girl or pageboy bucause it would probably cause family ructions too.

I know some people bring their kids to the wedding ceremony only and that way they get to be there for the wedding itself and in the photos and the parents get to have a fun evening part by leaving the kids with a babysitter.

CathyMoran

I have not attended a wedding because we could not get a babysitter (we only had one child then) - my friend is still a bit upset with me but our arrangement for childcare (his aunt) had to pull out at the last minute. OP, it is really hard to get a babysitter sometimes, just leave them be.

Edit: I had assumed that it was child free, it was not on the invites.

homerjay2005

children at weddings just doesnt work, anyway, they are not allowed to be on the premises after 9pm anyway, so there is no point in bringing them.

if they cant/dont want to go, then dony worry about it. i cant imagine why anybody would want to take children anyway in the first place, do they not want at least one day for themselves?

they seem like a couple with their own priorities, ie their kids, so get on with organising the wedding and forget about them. they are trying to make you feel guilty perhaps, had you mentioned nothing about the children ban, chances are they wouldnt have even wanted them there in the first place.

littlebug

I wouldn't take having relatives nearby as a guarantee of childcare. There could be any number of reasons why they can't leave their children with them.

We've turned down invitations due to lack of childcare though we would love to have been there. However I would not have made the couple feel like they should have invited my children. Did she actually say this or just say she had a childcare issue?
On other occasions we've taken it in turns to mind child or children in the hotel room (no fun) or one of us has gone to the wedding on our own.
Sometimes lack of childcare is a genuine issue....

iguana

You decided on a childfree wedding because that's what you want and that's what you should have. But you also have to accept that not all parents will be able to arrange childcare and will have no choice but to decline.

I'm sure that you choosing a childfree wedding was not intended as a slight against the children of your loved ones. It was just a mixture of practicalities and preference. So by the same token you have to realise that if your friends can't come because of that decision it's not a slight either, just a matter of practicality.

convert

You need to stick to your guns here, OP. If you make an exception for one couple, then you'll have to do it for all family members and friends.

When I was a kid we were never invited to weddings as we were too young (and in fairness, we were), but the children of our cousin's partner's family were always invited, even though they always tended to be around our age. It really, really bugged me as a kid and has actually influenced my decision that when I get married it will most definitely be a child free wedding, no exceptions!

It's your day - if you don't want children there, then nobody should question you about it or try and undermine your decision. For me, there's nothing worse than kids running around, bumping into people, knocking over drinks, messing on the dance floor, etc. And has been mentioned above, parents often relish the chance to have a night out together without the child - it's something that doesn't happen all that often for them! However, as mentioned above, not all couples who have kids will be able to attend if they can't organise a baby sitter.

Deise Musashi

We have not gone to many events because of child care issues.

Often my wife (sociable one) goes on her own as it's her friends and I stay with the kids.

I would prefer never again to be invited to anything really, I like my kids and time with them is better than any wedding I've ever been to. Travel, lodgings, presents, just don't ask me to go !

As for the eejits that held their weddings out foreign and expected me to use up my holidays to attend...not a hope sham! Book your own holiday and I'll look after mine.

The last wedding I had a good time at was my own, I'm good with not attending any other ever again

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'll try to give my perspective if you don't mind.

So I fully understand where you are coming from. I know what you mean that it will add extra cost and also that if you allow some children then it can spiral to having tons of kids which can be difficult.
I fully understand where you're coming from.

But on your friends thoughts, just some ideas from my own experience.
So My Dad was the youngest of his family by a lot. Thus, even though I have lots of family and cousins they are all closer to my parents age than my owns.
For that reason through the years there was a lot of weddings in the family, which the entire family would be at but me and my sister were never allowed to go to.

I'll be honest, my parents made the effort to go and my aunt would look after us but I have to say I was always a bit peeved. We weren't difficult or unruly kids and it would have been nice once (especially in our teens when we were past needing constant attention as small kids) to be invited to experience a wedding. Many of my friends went to family weddings and I never went to one until I accompanied a girlfriend in my 20's.

So anyway, my point is this. I DO understand your point but unfortunately you might just have to accept that some people would find it a little inconvenient and insulting. Maybe not a work colleague but definitely close family or close friends.

We also had family living near by but my parents went out very little and were never ones to drop us off at family members houses expecting them to look after us. I know they may have family near by but that doesn't mean they are accustomed to dropping the kids off there, some people do it a lot, others don't. Maybe your friends are the sort that don't.

I'll say it again, I fully understand your point and it is about cost, convenience and basically not making things difficult by having lots of kids about on the day.

Having said that you might just have to accept that to some people this is an inconvenience and sometimes it can be a little offending to not allow their kids attend if they are close friends.

Just to make sure they understand then it is worth while talking to them and just trying to explain the point. As you said, you just wanted to keep it low key and allowing one persons kids will mean you have to allow others not to offend a lot of people and from a cost perspective, you are trying your best to have a nice day without breaking you financially and allowing a lot of extra kids means a bigger wedding to accommodate more people. Be sympathetic and just try to stress you are sorry and mean no offense, it is just a way of keeping it a little low key and keeping the cost as reasonable as possible.
Hopefully they will understand, maybe not but at least you did your best to explain and stressed how much you want them there as your close friends.


I hope this works out for you and doesn't cause any more stress. Try not to let it and I'm sure they will understand. Sometimes an RSVP is a little informal to find this stuff out. Speak to them in person and they should be OK about it.

Best of luck.

wolfpawnat

OP I have to fork out 150 for a child minder for an upcoming wedding(It will be overnight). Not everyone can do that nowadays on top of all the other costs of going to a wedding. So don't go fretting if people cannot go if their children cannot, they probably just cannot afford it and you cannot argue that. It's just the way it is. You should just enjoy your day and not worry about it You cannot please everyone.

OS119

wolfpawnat wrote: »

...You should just enjoy your day and not worry about it You cannot please everyone.

this.

you will not please everyone, and neither should you try - conversely, you should not expect everyone to please you.

mariaf24

Threads like this really bug me...
We have 2 kids and would find it impossible to arrange childcare for a wedding.

I and my partner both have family living near by but that doesn't mean we would ask them to mind 2 children, over night plus a full day!! (we did do this once when we had one child but not 2)I also wouldn't appreciate minding 2 kids while the parents went to a wedding (there i said it)!!! Then perhaps the children have separation issues or the parents don't like leaving them for long periods unless completely necessary.

The thing is, for all you know, they might have been invited to say, 4 weddings this year (we have). I wouldn't dream of asking family or anyone to mind 2 children this often. I'm sure other parents do, and would but that is their choice and their business.

Then there is the cost. I know of childminders who charge e150 for a day/night+ morning, add that to the cost of the wedding!

We have been invited to a wedding in september and i had to decline for the very reason of childcare. There isn't anyone i would happily ask to mind our children. I explained this to the bride, who is in our circle but not a close friend. She thankfully understood.
It is a genuine reason and i really can't see why you would question it. (I don't question why people don't invite children to weddings)!!!

Good luck and congratulations

I am a friend

For all the tigresses defending their cubs - it sounded to me that the op was wondering should she change her mind about having kids at her wedding, not the she was giving out about the parents

I've been to weddings where kids have not been invited but parents brought them anyway (without mentioning it beforehand). They then plopped their little darlings at a (now over crowded) table with a DVD player in the middle. Bad bad manners so i think if parents don't have a child minder there is nothing stopping one of them going (depending on who the closest friend is) but def leave the kids at home.

mariaf24

I wouldn't expect the bride to re-invite the kids, in fact i'd be mortified and sorry! That isn't the point at all...i would fully appreciate that it is an adults only wedding and would hope that she would understand that we were unable to attend.

Acoshla

I always say that if I was getting married and had invited friends who had kids Id tell them not to give me a present or cash, but to put that towards a babysitter. That way I get to have them at my wedding and they aren't overly broke from coming, win win.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think its bad form for your friends not to respect your wedding wishes and attend your wedding, from your post it comes across as if there is another reason they are not going, maybe the kids is an excuse but there could be some other reason, if they were close friends and not going and you went to theirs then i dont see why they would outright dis respect you and not go?? Your friend knows this is going to hurt you so it seems that you have hurt her and she wants to get back at you, maybe the kids issue is it? But if your wedding is in Ireland and they are long term friends it doesnt sound like they have a lot of respect for you. You have every right to plan your wedding the way that suits you im sure your friend and her husband did???

Maybe its a lesson in who your true friends are. All the best and congrats

Daisy M

OP I don't understand why your friend felt the need to mention the children not been invited it does come across as though they did expect the children to be invited. Also the apparent lack of any regret at not been able to attend is a puzzle. If I could not attend a close friends wedding I would make sure that they knew I had moved heaven and earth to try and be there, there is nothing stopping at least one of the parents attending the church to see you been married, this is after all the most important part of the day, its strange that no effort is been made.

implausible

is mise astra wrote: »

OP I don't understand why your friend felt the need to mention the children not been invited it does come across as though they did expect the children to be invited. Also the apparent lack of any regret at not been able to attend is a puzzle.

I think they're laying on a guilt-trip and making a point, probably in hope of you changing your mind.

OP, some people become very precious once they've had children and cannot understand why other people wouldn't want to spend most of a day entertaining and talking to them. I love my wee fella to pieces, but am glad of an opportunity for a day away from him with my other half. In fact, weddings are some of the few occasions where we get to socialise and enjoy each other's company these days.

alex73

Hate this Irish thing about not having kids at wedding... When it comes to funerals we are all expected to go. ...

Lets face it, a wedding is a celebration and all the family should go. If you have friends they should go.

I got married abroad and it would have been a deep insult to say no to the kids. A Group of 4 women from my Wife's family organised events for them at the wedding.


Ireland has gone way to materialistic... and stuffy formal... My wife was still inviting people along to the wedding the day we were getting married!!


Its not easy having them there, but they are part of live and family. They should be part of our celebrations as well.

mconigol

Maybe they can't afford it op?

I am a friend

alex73 wrote: »

Hate this Irish thing about not having kids at wedding....

I hate this thing where people, because they have kids, think that everyone should be delighted if they bring their kids to every event going.

A funeral is an hour long not a full day event at which they will be exposed to people drinking til they fall down. My party, my guest list.

John Mason

OP, It is invitation not a summons for them to attend.

they have said they wont go.

end of.

there is absolutely no reason to be getting annoyed or upset. cross them off your list and move on.

mariaf24

I am a friend wrote: »

I hate this thing where people, because they have kids, think that everyone should be delighted if they bring their kids to every event going.

A funeral is an hour long not a full day event at which they will be exposed to people drinking til they fall down. My party, my guest list.

That just about sums it up for me :rolleyes:

Penny Dreadful

alex73 wrote: »

Hate this Irish thing about not having kids at wedding... When it comes to funerals we are all expected to go. ...

Lets face it, a wedding is a celebration and all the family should go. If you have friends they should go.

I got married abroad and it would have been a deep insult to say no to the kids. A Group of 4 women from my Wife's family organised events for them at the wedding.


Ireland has gone way to materialistic... and stuffy formal... My wife was still inviting people along to the wedding the day we were getting married!!


Its not easy having them there, but they are part of live and family. They should be part of our celebrations as well.

Its nothing to do with being materialistic. As I said earlier I took care of my sister's 3 kids for the weekend to allow her and her husband attend a wedding and relax and enjoy it and not have to go to bed at 9pm with the kids.
Having children at an adult event is unfair to the children and the other adult guests IMO. The children are exposed to many adults drinking, often enough too much and that isn't good. Equally, all of the adults at the wedding should not be expected to modify their behaviour because there are children present at an adult event.

Ickle Magoo

This isn't a debate on the merits or otherwise of adult only weddings - if anyone wishes such a debate please do so on the appropriate forum.

Could replies be directed towards the OP on the issue they have posted about.

Many thanks

I am a friend

mariaf24 wrote: »

That just about sums it up for me :rolleyes:

Exactly - I have no interest in playing with my frunds kids at a wedding table - yawn

Maple

OP hasn't been back to this thread in four days and this thread has become a debate which is not what this forum is about.

Locked.

Maple