Boyfriend slagging me behind my back

LegacyUser

My boyfriend texted "his friend" this morning to bitch about me being a pain and wrecking his head-unfortunately he sent the text to me by accident.

When we chatted he was positive and gave no indication that I was annoying him. I'm hurt by how two faced he was, I would never say stuff like that about him. Or am i reading into this too much?? I don't know how to approach it!

Ickle Magoo

Well, in the nicest possible way...were you being a pain and wrecking his head?

He's entitled to talk to his friends about his relationship - after all you've just posted on a public website about him. He may just have been blowing off steam and at least you aren't completely unaware of how he's feeling now - use it to your advantage; tell him he sent it to you and use it as a springboard to work out why he feels you are being a pain and wrecking his head.

All the best.

gargleblaster

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

He's entitled to talk to his friends about his relationship - after all you've just posted on a public website about him.

Well she did so anonymously to people who don't know him. That isn't the case for him, I presume the person he meant to send the text to knows her and she now knows he talks to them about her in whatever manner he did.

I don't understand why he would give you no indication that you were wrecking his head, and then bring it up with his friend instead. I'm assuming he gave you no indication due to the surprised tone of your OP. Were you aware of any conflict? If so then maybe he was just venting as Ickle said, and it's nothing to worry about.

LegacyUser

No I was asking a lot of questions about an event we were going to-who's going, what time etc. He was like yeah I'll ask X what the story is.

I'm more embarrassed that he would slag me like that, I would understand if he went to a friend if we had an argument-but he just seems to have been nasty. Plus, I get on well with all his friends as we have been going out for a number of years which makes it awkward for me now wondering what in god's name ELSE he has said to them!

Oryx

Whether we like to admit it or not, we all talk about each other. Sometimes we can blow off steam and say stuff we might not want to get back to the person! It was a bit out of line for your bf to text his mate like that, but I dont think it makes him a total beast. If I had a euro for everytime I heard someone give out about their partner I'd be a rich lady.

Tell your bf you got the text and see what he says. He will probably be deeply embarrassed. But if you have been 'wrecking his head' its better to have that out in the open so you can talk to him about it. His reaction will decide how seriously you should take all this, imo.

Ickle Magoo

boyf/text wrote: »

No I was asking a lot of questions about an event we were going to-who's going, what time etc. He was like yeah I'll ask X what the story is.

I'm more embarrassed that he would slag me like that, I would understand if he went to a friend if we had an argument-but he just seems to have been nasty. Plus, I get on well with all his friends as we have been going out for a number of years which makes it awkward for me now wondering what in god's name ELSE he has said to them!

Perhaps he was just being honest? I've yet to witness or be in a long-term relationship where one partner wasn't getting their head wrecked by the other at some stage, especially when the friendship pre-dates the relationship so on one hand, I wouldn't worry about it.

However, it's clearly hurt your feelings so I think you are best to sit your boyfriend down, show him the text and tell him that your feelings are hurt and now you are wondering what else is being said about you...I think the only way you'll feel better about it is an apology and explanation from the man himself.

All the best you. :cool:

Kadongy

Well he's not really being himself if he's being two-faced like that. He's presenting an illusion that is convenient for his situation. Probably switches between adoration and adulation in his manner to you to being completely emotionally unavailable?

Miss Fluff

boyf/text wrote: »

No I was asking a lot of questions about an event we were going to-who's going, what time etc. He was like yeah I'll ask X what the story is.

You've just put it in context. You were wrecking his head and on the spur of the moment he texted a throw-away comment to his mate. You're totally over-reacting here.

Piglet85

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You've just put it in context. You were wrecking his head and on the spur of the moment he texted a throw-away comment to his mate. You're totally over-reacting here.

I disagree. Yes, we have all moaned about our partners on occasion, but that doesn't mean it's not hurtful. The OP is bound to feel a bit uspet by it.

OP, you just need to remember that we're all human, and we all bitch at times. I'm sure at some point or another you've had a whinge to your friend/sister/mam about your boyfriend. It's not the nicest thing to do, but it's human nature, and I'm sure you'd feel awful if he found out about it. Tell him he sent the text to you, but try not to let it upset you too much. Chances are he was just having a vent and his friend won't be holding it against you either!

trio

Meh, to be honest? I would be seriously pissed off. Mainly cos if you're pissed off with me - TELL ME!!!

Don't moan behind my back and then smile to my face FFS!

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend's trying to be the big man with his mates and act all tough. 'Look at me, I'm not under anybody's thumb'. Guys slag each other all the time about getting 'hardship' (as they seem to think it is) from their girlfriends.

I'd rip the p*ss out of him and start saying that even your most b*tchiest friend would have the balls to say things like that to your face.

Then let him grovel. What he did was failry sh*tty, so he's got some serious crawling to do!

gargleblaster

boyf/text wrote: »

No I was asking a lot of questions about an event we were going to-who's going, what time etc. He was like yeah I'll ask X what the story is.

I'm more embarrassed that he would slag me like that, I would understand if he went to a friend if we had an argument-but he just seems to have been nasty. Plus, I get on well with all his friends as we have been going out for a number of years which makes it awkward for me now wondering what in god's name ELSE he has said to them!

Based on that, it sounds like harmless venting. As has been said, at some point we nearly all talk about our loved ones and our frustrations in dealing with them. However, only you and he know what words he chose and how he used them. I agree with trio that issues should be dealt with personally and not complained about to others - but if it's just some small thing that really doesn't bother you to any significant degree, you don't expect to change, you just find it slightly frustrating, etc. - then I understand venting to someone else as opposed to confronting you about some petty thing.

That said, if he used hurtful and ugly words, then in that case I would say there is definitely a problem. Him being frustrated from being peppered with questions he had no answers to is fair enough - but if he was talking about you in a rude or hurtful way, that's not acceptable IMO.

Chinafoot

trio wrote: »

Don't moan behind my back and then smile to my face FFS!

Thats the bit that would piss me off the most. I would have no problem with my boyfriend giving out about me to his mates if we're rowing. I've certainly moaned to my mates, but you can be damn sure he was fully aware that I was pissed off.

To be nice to your face and send a sneaky text like that is pretty childish. Surely you're together long enough at this stage for him to be able to say "Look, you're doing my head in." Having said that, I don't see how asking questions about what the plan was as being so head wrecking but I guess you had to be there.

I think you should tell him, very calmly, that he sent it to the wrong person and that if he has a problem with you he should speak to you about it instead of talking behind your back while you have no idea that there is a problem. If he has any cop on he'll apologise and take your feelings on board.

Sonics2k

unregistered wrote: »

Your boyfriend's trying to be the big man with his mates and act all tough. 'Look at me, I'm not under anybody's thumb'. Guys slag each other all the time about getting 'hardship' (as they seem to think it is) from their girlfriends.

I'd rip the p*ss out of him and start saying that even your most b*tchiest friend would have the balls to say things like that to your face.

Then let him grovel. What he did was failry sh*tty, so he's got some serious crawling to do!

Or maybe she was just wrecking his head and he was venting to a mate. Believe it or not we're not all that bad.

I've given out about past gf's to mates, and they've ranted about me to theirs.
It's not exactly a problem. Sometimes you just wanna rant at a mate about your partner, it doesn't mean you're not in love with them.

LegacyUser

Sonics2k wrote: »

Or maybe she was just wrecking his head and he was venting to a mate. Believe it or not we're not all that bad.

I've given out about past gf's to mates, and they've ranted about me to theirs.
It's not exactly a problem. Sometimes you just wanna rant at a mate about your partner, it doesn't mean you're not in love with them.

It seems to be though that the OP is very surprised by this development, which would suggest that he is different around her than when he's with his mates! I'd hate to think that my boyfriend was acting nice with me, and then b*tching to his friends. I'd have no problem if he was short with me and then went off to have a rant, I'd do it myself. But to pretend everything is fine and then start b*tching?

OP, your boyfriend owes you big time. He'll need to cop on and tell you what's on his mind instead of getting his friends to justify his actions.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I don't agree that all couples bitch about each other behind each others back :rolleyes:. I certainly don't bitch about my BF behind his back, if he's "wrecking my head" I tell him and him asking questions about an upcoming event certainly wouldn't be classified as "wrecking my head". Maybe your BF just enjoys bitching about his girlfriend to his mates and acting all put-upon, some guys are like that, they're the whingey ones. The ones that think being in a relationship means being a martyr and that it's a given that their GF will wrecks their heads, I would avoid this type like the plague. So yeah have a think, is he that guy? If so, get rid and get a decent boyfriend. If he's not like that usually, I would hand him the phone with the text on it and say "what's that about?". I honestly do think you have reason to be pissed off, we shouldn't have to worry about our OH's tearing the back of us to mutual friends.

Best of luck.