Boyfriends parents are separating

LegacyUser

Just looking for any input from people who have maybe gone through the same thing before.
My boyfriend told me 4 or 5 days ago that his parents are going to separate.
I think he has always known that things weren't exactly hunky dorey between them, or that they didnt really have a very close or romantic relationship, more like 2 housemates that lived together. Still it was a shock to me as I never thought it would come to this.
They are both great people.
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now and being 30 and 29 we are pretty sure we are going to stay together for life, we've talked about marriage and kids etc, once we have the financial stability.
The thing is that since he has told me he hasnt seemed at all bothered about it.
Now I know people deal with things in different ways but he is going about his daily life as though he has no care in the world. I on the other hand, am waking up feeling sick really early in the morning, unable to sleep again for a few hours, because its on my mind the whole time and I feel terribly sad about it.
Any time I've mentioned it to him since he says he doesnt want to talk about it so I have to respect that, but how do I know if he's hurting over it, or if its something he fully expected and so is not shocked or surprised by it at all?
How do I support him in this if he wont even talk about it more then to say its fine and thats all he's going to say about it?
Plus, I'm finding it hard to deal with it being on my mind and not having him to talk to about it. fully understand that its going to be a far bigger deal to him so his needs come first, and thats why I've dropped the subject with him the 2 times its come up since Sat, but how can I deal with the things going round and round my head all day..?
Like Im worried about how his dad will afford to live if he has to move out of the marital home. I know they are both a tight for money at the moment with the current climate and wages being less than they were previously, so I dont know how he will afford rent somewhere else on top of his own bills and shopping and all that.
The mortgage in their marital home is paid off so they were living here without that cost to either of them up until now.
Also- it was his mum who told him about the separation, on her own, even though he sees his dad every day too, but he didnt seem bothered about this at all?
Maybe its completely normal for him, and in that case its fine, but if it were me I would be upset that they didnt tell me together, so id have the chance to talk to both of them about it... How do I know if he really is hurt over that and needs my support but just wont say it?
This is what im worried about.
Im also worried about things like Christmas, and how thats going to work out for everyone. I really love his family, and have considered myself apart of it for all the time we've been together, ive spent so much time with them since my boyfriend lives at home right now.
How will this be for him if his mum and dad have separate Christmas dinners?
Has anyone else dealt with this before? And I know, Christmas dinner seems a silly thing to be thinking about, but I guess I mean all family occasions like this, Christmas is just the nearest one at this point.
Im not sure how I will comfort him when the time comes?

I feel so sad about this, I dont want this to happen, I wish they could work it out and try counselling or something but I know from my BF that they've never gone.
Its not my place I know, to be thinking things like this, its their relationship, but why am I so sad about it? And how do I stop being sad?
My own parents are like a rock. They have a great marriage and work through everything together, and thats what Ive always known.
I've found myself thinking stupid things about down the line, if we have kids, I always imagined that we will and that we would have such a great time visiting his parents when we do, as I love them both so much, but now in my mind, thats all changed and it feels a little scary.
I dont know if my BF feels the same way and I cant ask him.
I also cant talk to anyone else about it as this is obviously a very private thing so its not for other people to know. My BF only told me because he knows how much I am considered part of their family now, and how much I love his parents.

I dont really know what Im asking for, just advise from anyone who has been through this themselves, on how to support my BF through this if he wont open up about it and seems fine about it really (maybe he's hiding it?), and how I can stop being sad about it myself and put it in perspective, I realise completely that thinking about the future and "what if's" are totally pointless and a bit ridiculous when people are going through real problems in the present, I just cant seem to shake this shock.

Thanks everyone

jimmycrackcorm

He's not a little kid any longer. He'll still have a relationship with both his parents so it may not make much difference in any case for him. Perhaps that is why he doesn't seem so bothered; In reality it might not change anything for him in practice, especially if the separation is amicable.

LegacyUser

That is definitely true. And I suppose they did always seem to have separate relationships with him anyway, because they themselves never really spent much time together despite living in the same house so when he was with them it was always one or the other.
Its probably me with the problem here, not them!!

I keep feeling like "why isn't anyone doing something more, maybe his mum needs someone to talk to and he should talk to her, maybe his dad needs him to talk to, maybe they need someone outside the situation to suggest counselling?" (his other siblings live away from home)
This is probably me being completely irrational and I know its not really any of my business, but I find it hard that his mum tells him this and thats it, nothing more!
We have breakfast with her in the morning, and dinner with them both in the evening, and everyones acting like nothings wrong! But yet I feel soul-destroyed.
Maybe for them nothing *is* wrong though? And this is all my own stupid issue.

I dont know... Im just finding the lack of action and talking difficult and am wracked with panic and sadness and feeling like I shouldnt be because I'm the least close to the situation.

Then a part of me is worried that his lack of communication is a product of this whole family to start with! I dont mean that in a bad way, I love his family,
but what if we stay together and we end up drifting apart too like his parents did because they dont communicate together, and arent open with each other?
We have had similar problems, and it was always a case of "thats how my parents are and they are fine with it" but now it seems that they aren't / weren't.
Im worried we've developed bad habits?

Basically - I know Im probably worried unnecessarily by this break up and I cant seem to stop it!
Perhaps I just need to leave him be by himself with his parents for a week or 2 and let it all settle and stop panicing myself?
Its just so different for my parents that Im finding this a bit of a shock...
I suppose I just need to put it from my mind.
But how?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

You seem like a great girl to be with! Your concern is admirable. I have gone through something similar, and it is important to realise that this will be a very stressful time for him, second only to a death in the family. I read that he said he doesn't want to talk about it, yet at the same time he probably appreciates you being there for him.

He may act a bit erratic, or get quite down about it. It may not bother him too much. The important thing is that you are there for him , and also that YOU take care of YOURSELF in this stressful time.

He (and you!) WILL get over it in time, so always keep that in mind during any potential stressful period.

Be strong.

Good luck

OS119

OP, i think the issue you should be concentrating on is why you are making other peoples problems your own, and why you attach far greater significance to them than the people they actually affect.

your boyfriends reaction is 'meh...' and probably 'thank fcuk for that'. given that neither of his parents wants to come and live with you or your BF its not really something that will affect you, so its not logical that you should be so wound up by it.

i would suggest that you seek professional advice as to your problem with 'transference', because thats the problem, not two people who appear to have split up amicably...

Lollipops23

OS119 wrote: »

OP[/Bi would suggest that you seek professional advice as to your problem with 'transference', because thats the problem, not two people who appear to have split up amicably...

Think that's a bit much! I've often found myself getting stressed on behalf of my OH, nervous for him when he's doing exams, worried if he's having financial problems etc. It's part and parcel of being in a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship IMO.

OP, it's a toughie but all you can do is try to make things as easy for your partner as possible. It's true that he may be simply relieved that they ended their marriage, but it's still a tough transitional period for all, so try and make things as calm and serene as possible at home for a time.

Regarding things like Xmas, his Dad's living arrangments- these are things that will work themselves out. Try to concentrate on the immediate future, the next month or 2.

Good luck.

OS119

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Think that's a bit much! I've often found myself getting stressed on behalf of my OH, nervous for him when he's doing exams, worried if he's having financial problems etc. It's part and parcel of being in a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship IMO...

sorry, i disagree.

the OP is not sharing the weight of a problem, she's carrying the weight of a problem that no one else thinks exists.

the two people seeking a divorce aren't running around screeching and wailing, the child of that union is 'meh... probably the best of all concerned', but the one person in this story who has no emotional investment whatsoever in this marriage, and is the least effected by the practical ramifications of the split is lying awake at night worrying themselves sick.

if your pet rabbit died, you were 'meh, rabbits die', but your best mate was in tears for weeks - despite it not being her pet rabbit - would you not think it more than just a little odd?

LegacyUser

OS119 - The other people in this situation are people I care VERY much about, and my concern is that they are burying, rather then dealing with, their feelings!!
My boyfriend may on the *outside* be acting like "meh..." but I am concerned that this is not how he really feels.
Same goes for his parents, who I am sure are both hurting very much but putting on a "everythings fine" front.

We talked last night after I had posted this and I know now that he is very upset about it, he is just trying to deal with it as best he can.
He is not thinking "thank god". His parents have been together for years and years and nothing much has changed in their relationship of late (as far as he is concerned), so while he knew that they didnt seem to have a normal married life, as far as he was aware they were still happy to live together, until now. So I think he is shocked and is just burying it as best he can.

Plus, this is NOTHING like a pet rabbit dying!!
And you said "the one person in this story who has no emotional investment whatsoever in this marriage" - this is untrue. They have become like second parents to me, and the fact that me and my BF plan on staying together means they will probably some day become my in-laws, so I do have an emotional investment in this, regardless of whether its less or not then other peoples.

This is NOT transference, I am genuinely worried and sad for my BF and his parents AND siblings because it is a sad time.

Lollipops23

splitting_up_guest wrote: »

We talked last night after I had posted this and I know now that he is very upset about it, he is just trying to deal with it as best he can.
He is not thinking "thank god". His parents have been together for years and years and nothing much has changed in their relationship of late (as far as he is concerned), so while he knew that they didnt seem to have a normal married life, as far as he was aware they were still happy to live together, until now. So I think he is shocked and is just burying it as best he can.

see, if it were my OH this would be my primary concern. that he's burying it and not really dealing with it.

OP, you will have to trust that the couple involved are adults and they will muddle through it as best they can. All you can do (and it sucks to feel so powerless) is be there for your OH and let him know he's loved and cared about.

squishykins

Hi OP, I've gone through the exact same thing, only we're a little younger. We were going out 3 years when his parents told him they were separating last year, it came as a total shock to him, didn't see it coming at all (I could as I know some of his parent's friends, but I didn't mention it as I didn't wanna cause trouble). Apparently they had fallen out of love 10 years before and agreed not to stand in each other's way if they found someone else, they're still close friends and work together though.

It took him a long time, but he still sees both of them loads and he's old enough not to have to take sides. He knows his parents are happier now and that's enough for him. At the beginning I just planned as much fun things to do as I could to occupy him, and let him know that I was there to talk when he was ready, and eventually he did.

It's a tough thing to go through for anyone, but tbh his parent's issues aren't your problem, so try not to lose sleep over it. They're grown-ups and have to deal with their own issues, and would probably just get angry if anyone else got involved. Everything happens for a reason

LegacyUser

OP, I think you really need to calm down here.

My parents split up when I was your age and I was delighted. Their marriage was awful and the split was long overdue. I can see it from your boyfriends point of view.

Your story is different. Your parents were happy so that is what you seem to imagine as normal. But his normal is parents with a bad marriage. So he's not as devastated as this is just more of the same, more of what he's used to. He's been dealing with it for years so he is probably more emotionally robust about it than yourself, no offence.

Some people don't like bleeding their emotions out all the time. It's draining. You need to respect that.

It seems very hard for some people who grew up in a happy home to understand how it is for those who didn't. But you've got to understand he sees life through different eyes than you. You need to accept that and let him deal with it in his own way.

You're panicking and worring about them is certainly not your place. The reason you are so shaken is that this is rocking your perception of what the world should be. Perfect and happy and everything in control. But you must recognise that your panic and fear are your problem. You're looking at yout BF to make it all right again so it stops being uncomfortable for you. But your boyfriend can't do that and neither should he.

His parents have made their decision. They deserve happiness and that inludes being free to live apart and meet other people.

I'm afraid you need to accept that adult relationships are not all neat and tidy and idealised. It's part of growing up.

Deise Musashi

My parents separated when I was going out with the girl who became my wife.

It was better for them (kinda) and feck all to do with me or my siblings.

Certainly nothing to do with my GF!

She learnt all this later, I would not discuss family stuff with anyone even now.

Support him if needed, but if he's genuinely apathetic you'll have to accept he just doesn't give a monkey's.

Men are different to girls...

LegacyUser

part of life wrote: »

So he's not as devastated as this is just more of the same, more of what he's used to. He's been dealing with it for years...

The reason you are so shaken is that this is rocking your perception of what the world should be. Perfect and happy and everything in control.

You're looking at yout BF to make it all right again so it stops being uncomfortable for you.

Just a few points here...
You say some things as if they are fact but I think you are FAR off the mark.
It comes across a bit strange when youre telling me how I feel, how my boyfriend feels, and what I want my boyfriend to do when you clearly cant possibly know these things.
I was looking for advise, suggestions or input on how others have felt in the same situation, not to be told how I feel, or why.

My BF has not been dealing with this for years.
He has been living with his parents for years who were seemingly happy with the relationship they had going on, which was obviously to everyone not a very romantic relationship, but they seemed to get on and be happy living how they were. I do not think he expected his situation of a break up really at all although he did have an idea that they werent exactly happily "married", if that makes sense. I suppose everyone except them thought things would just continue how they were for the rest of their lives, so this is a shock to him, he has since told me so.

The reason I was upset by this is NOT because it rocked my perception of the world! Im 30 years old, I know that not all marriages are happy and secure as much as my own parents are, and I know that everything in life is not always ideal and relationships can break apart. It upset me because I care about the people involved!

Also, Im not looking at all for my boyfriend to make anything right!! Not in the least. I was just concerned that things were being buried that should really be communicated or dealt with and worried that it may affect my BF dealing with his feelings & perhaps his views on how things can be resolved in relationships.

Everything is much better now since I first posted. My BF talked to me about it and I let him know Im here for him. Im less worried about the implications of it because he opened up to me and I was able to get a clear picture of how he felt about the whole thing and really its all going to be fine, which I know now.
Also Ive had more time to reflect on the situation and I know that whatever happens will be the best for all concerned and they are all adults so things will be fine.

To the last poster- Deise- thanks, thats sounds advice / input.

Starokan

hi op.

its actually very heartening to read your posts, its rare (for me anyway) to see someone who cares for their in laws to such an extent and that to me is a wonderful thing.

As to the issue at hand i think the reasons your dwelling on it so much are down to worry (due to your caring nature) but also simply because your not accepting it.

Be happy for them, they are separating because things are not good between them and why would you want them to stay together when its like that.

My guess would be that your boyfriend probably has had some discussion with both his parents on it and is just not ready to discuss it yet with you. Focus on him and help him through it but don't force him to talk. Let him open up if he wants to and if he doesn't then that's ok too. Just be there if he needs you and likewise take a step back if he needs space.

Separation's don't occur because things were good, they happen because well basically things were crap. They will have done all the soul searching that needs to be done re emotions, are they doing the right thing, finances etc. There is no need for you to invest time in this either.

You can still be friends with them both , it will all work out in end and your boyfriend will be fine with it too