Sorry, I just need somewhere to vent

tisonlyme

Really need to vent and thought here might be a safe place. So the thread over in AH about the two gay lads been kicked out of the pub in Cork has dragged up some emotions in me that I thought I had long since buried in favour of “head in the sand” approach. Because of that I don’t want to post this in PI in case of the reaction I might get. I don’t open up easily – in person, online or to myself but I don’t like the place I’m in right now

I’m 23, female and in a very male oriented career. Very few ladies at all. All my interests are very, very male dominated. I don’t even really have female friends at all. I am initially only attracted to men – initially. After a while something carnal in me subsides and I end up physically repulsed by a penis going near me. Yet I tend to not be attracted to women (except women in photos) and I find women difficult to get along with – I never seem to have anything in common with them that I can talk about. Which leads to the confusion that I don’t know if I’m gay (I hate the word lesbian), bi or straight. I haven’t a clue. I’ve only ever kissed men. God I’ve so wanted to try something with a woman but I’m just so paralysed with fear. I don’t want to be not straight – it’d be such a cliché for a woman in my career to be gay and I just don’t want to BE that cliché, I just want to be me. I’m so scared of getting caught going into a gay bar that I can’t go, I have very few friends (had a massive, massive falling out with one and everyone took their side so I’m essentially friendless atm) so going out at all is out of the question. Even if I did get new friends to go out with, (would have to come out first tho??? Don’t want to come out if I don’t even know what I want) I can’t go to anywhere cos some of my old friends have friends who work the door in pretty much all the gay venues here. They’d have no problem outing me. Daft as it sounds, I almost think I was supposed to be born a gay man, I’m attracted to one particular guy at the moment but the thought of straight sex with him is a bit disgusting to me, I’d rather be a guy having it with him. <-- that was difficult to write. My heart is breaking as I write it but what the hell, I’m having an aberration here as it is, might as well be honest with myself.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Even if I figured out what I am I will never ever come out because of my dad. My mam might be ok, but my dad no. I love him to bits and don’t want to lose contact with him or cause a rift but he’s so bigoted that could happen. I guess I’m just very, very, very sad that the world we live in is a bit shit. I don’t get to be me, whatever I am. I’d be crying right now and I kinda am inside but I’m so upset that I’m kinda numb. How did life get so shit?

I just wish I could go out, figure out if I like girls more than guys. Ya know, even just kiss one or two. But then I remember we’re in a shitty world where my freaking family would find out then reject me for it and I’m so afraid of them finding out that I can’t do it, and then I remember the AH thread and how basically this country thinks it’s sick and repulsive just to show affection. It’s really just breaking me atm. I wish I could just have a cry over it. My head’s a mess over this and I just wish it wasn’t. I’m normally very good at burying this and pushing people away so I don’t have to deal with it. But now I’m sititng alone in my room contemplating life in ten years. Probably be alone still cos I'm a coward and I hate that about myself. My head’s a mess

Rant over, sorry about that. heh, so pathetic, it sounds like a teenager wrote it yet here I am hiting my mid 20s and no better.

Kanoe

I was where you are at 23, the only difference is I didn't do anything and the ten year wait was long and lonely. Even now I'm still not sure where I'm at half the time. I always felt I had more gender issues than gay issues, although I don't know how much of that is fear based. I've kissed more than a few women and still happiness always seems to be just out of my reach but then I know I've got a lot more problems than the regular relationship kind.
At the same time I try not to be so hard on myself because it's taken a lot to get here and remind myself to relax and just go with it, which is good advice for anyone really.

If you do decide to take the plunge try not to worry about what other people will think, accepting yourself no matter who you are is more important and if they love you they will accept you too and maybe you'll find that the more you open to the possibility the more likely the opportunity will present itself. It's much better to want to be with someone than just being with someone for the sake of curiosity, hopefully it will be something worth waiting for.

I know it's just a vent but hope you feel better soon.

dreamer_ire

First things first, give yourself a break. There seems to be a lot going on in your post, so give yourself some time and some breathing space. You are 23, there is still a lot of time to get to know who you are and what you want. The first person you need to start to consider and being honest with is yourself, but for as long as your head is whirling that's difficult to do.

Labels, cliches etc don't matter is the next thing I would say to you, and don't stress about coming out to people when you haven't yet decided what's in your heart.

There are lots of places you can meet people and make new friendships rather than gay pubs and clubs. Have you considered joining groups that you have interests in? I know you say your interests are "male dominated" but you'd be suprised how many women like what's considered traditionally male interests, be it sport, cars etc.

I don't know what it's like to be/feel transgender but there are many others here who do, and I'm sure some of them will post replies.

kiwipower

Hey tisonlyme,
Im not sure what is the best thing to say to you. I think the other two posters have given some good feed back.
I have also been where you are now, nothing you have said there would surprise me. I have been through it all myself, and as a 34 year old female still return to some of it.
I cant put into words what I would like to say to you at the moment. (Im in air head mode tonight) So I am going to take the night to think it over and see if I can come up with some supportive lines for you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I does seem like there's a lot going on here. As you are in a male dominated career you probably don't interact with other women. I would be interested if you had many girl friends as a kid as that is where you learn your socialising skills.

AS a kid I hung around with mostly girls.(gay male here) But at about 11 I started rugby and went to an all boys school so this really helped me interact with boys. I would say if I hadn't done this I would probably shy away from male friendships.
So what I am saying it is not uncommon for people to be attracted (socially) to one sex as you seem to relate to them better. But there'll always be other girls out there who you'd click with if you met them.

As for the gay thing, Is it possible that because you bond so much as friends with men that you imagine yourself as a man sleeping with them. The dynamic of your friendship is a Male-Male buddy thing so thinking of a relationship as a woman seems a bit wrong as it would spoil this dynamic.


I know it does seem scary exploring this side of yourself but try and take it slowly. you may decide you like men more or women but if you are unsure identify as Bi and start exploring. Join a dating website and start chatting to other gay women and men. It'll help just to put yourself in that frame of mind.

SheFiend

OP I used to have similar feelings towards men as you do. Preferred them as friends, the thought of sex with them made me physically sick. For me it was an ego thing. Took me years to understand, but essentially I did not want to submit to the act of straight sex with them because I wouldn't allow my ego be dominated in that way. When I found that straight sex is about two individuals enjoying themselves, (rather than one submitting to another) I found I loved straight sex. I am Bi, by the way.
Perhaps you have a similar idea?

tisonlyme

thanks for the replies, it's really comforting to know that others have been here and that at least some pepole get it and are ok with not being straight. It's really helping me to see a bit more clearly.

I was a bit disappointed yesterday when I posted cos honestly I thought I was getting quite happy with being the happy straight girl on track to the white picket fence and 2.4 kids... So I was kinda taken by surprise yesterday at my reaction to the threads cos I'm so used to thinking of "I like guys, I like guys" but when I read the vitriole from some people I was like "I'm a human being, why don't I deserve love and affection?!" which made all the feelings of the first post resurface. I'm aware of how ridiculous it sounds but I think my emotions reacted before my head got a chance to censor itself. I think I like girls? Even before my first kiss I thought I liked girls but then I kissed a guy and decided I liked that. Horribly confusing.

I'm part of a couple of sports clubs, would love to join more but I'm time-poor as well as money-poor. Any of the girls in them are all straight, hyper straight even, cos they're in such a male environment I think they're emphasising "I AM WOMAN" or something like that. As a young kid I'd say my friends were 50/50, I got along pretty well with both genders but if push came to shove, I'd have rather been playing chicken on my bike than making friendship bracelets. I actually went to an all girls secondary school, it was ok like I didn't struggle or anything. Just when I went to college I went into a very different area to my friends and we drifted, most of my class were guys and the few girls there were in their cliques and mostly I just put the head down and got to work... I don't know why I come to dislike straight sex... I do have a bit of a strong ego so that may be exactly what's wrong there!

I'm going to try and take the advice in this thread because I'm at my wits end not even knowing myself. I'd love to accept myself but I don't even know who I am. I guess I do need to start being a bit more honest with myself. I really don't think shoehorning myself into what my parents want for me is working and I've been tryng to convince myself of my striaghtness for 11 years now and look just how well that's going... So well... I'm going to try to just relax and go with it... It's quite terrifying for me so I don't know how successful I'll be. I looked at gaydargirls a couple of years ago but I kinda got too nervous and everyone seemed to already be out and all that so I balked it but I might try again. I was looking at the outhouse website today but I don't know if I'd fit in to any of the groups. I was thinking then maybe I'd go in to the cafe but I'd be on my own and terrified. I even scoped it out on google earth. What's it like? I have no idea where to go or what to do.

I know this is all very garbled but thanks so much for the replies, they really do help.

SheFiend

So glad you are more relaxed about it! The worse thing to do is to try to label yourself. Take it easy and enjoy the adventure
Fraid I can't help you with the places you asked about, but I wish you all the best of luck!

AvaKinder

Hi OP.

I'm afraid I can't offer any sage words of advice as I have no idea what you're going through, but I wondered if you had considered joining the LGBT womens meet up group Running Amach? If you're too nervous to go into gay venues for fear of being seen, lots of their events are held in straight venues and many of the women involved aren't out, or are in various stages of out-to-some but not others. The club has people of all ages from all walks of life so it might be a good chance for you to dip your toe in the water and get a feel for things? They'll also organise someone to meet you beforehand if you're nervous about turning up alone.

Also, if you ever feel the need to talk to someone I highly reccomend giving the LGBT helplines a call, it's a great way to vent and get some information.

Running Amach

Hi Tisonlyme,
well done for opening up this discussion for yourself.
May I recommend Running Amach to you. It is a social networking club for women of all ages. We 'use the internet to get off the internet'. We organise weekly Social/sports Events etc. We have Meeter Greeter's for New Members & we offer advice to anyone looking for support or information. There is no pressure & you decide what you would like to attend.
http://www.meetup.com/Dublin-LGBTQ-Womens-Social-Networking-Club/Have a look & if the Club does not suit your needs you can always de-register.
Best wishes.

Aishae

Hi tisonly me - for years I tried to force the straight thing too. I went so far as to get engaged. I loved the friendship aspect with men but when it came to sex I was really put off and after I tried it I hated it (but kept it up as I was trying to be straight)

It's not unusual to fantasise that you are the opposite sex in the fantasy, I have found perhaps it's just easier with different 'equipment' to make the fantasy work. Perhaps were just curious as to what sex feels like as a man. Etc.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to label it. Plenty of folks hate labels (straight and gay and folks in between). There's no onus on you to label yourself. The important thing is that you know who you are and it's not a black and whit neither/or thing.

Like has been said you can go to LGBT events that are not 'on the scene' exactly. I was at my first ever event last month. A ladies night at a club but it's a small affair without bouncers etc and it's not a gay club. You don't have to be gay to go to these things.

Be true to yourself by finding out what that is for you.

I know quite a few ladies both straight and gay and bi that prefer more male orientated activities. I don't feel that it says anything about their sexuality, they just like those things.

Good luck tisonly