Breaking up and Getting back together?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 months ago today. We have met up a few times since. I am still utterly smitten with him and every time he sees me it is obvious he feels the same. We had some rows and complications with his ex about 6 months ago and I found it all hard going. However we had far far more good times than bad.

He says he still loves me and just needs some time out. He has had a hard few years lost his job, father passed away and he never dealt with it.

He is the love of my life. I am crazy about him.

Just not sure how to play it from here.....How long do you take a break for?
My heart is in bits. I dont want anyone else so I cant make the call to go and start meeting other people.

He says we will continue to meet up and talk.

Just wish I had a crystal ball.

Many experiences of breaking up and starting over again after time out???

I am a friend

Why is he making all the calls? So he has decided you can still meet and talk?? Sure why wouldn't he? It suits him to help get him over the break up.

Op you need to cut ties here. It's the only way you can heal and if he comes back then fine and well but I would not sit and wait for him. I also would certainly not be used by him as a tool to make himself heal. Mind yourself first

Wompa1

Sorry OP. It's not a break, they don't really exist. It's a cowards way of breaking up. He's got a back up in case he finds the going tough elsewhere and is stringing you along. You'll have to move on.

Curry Addict

no offence ment, but your perspective sounds a little immature.
in a good relationship, life issues occur and bring you closer and make you stronger as a couple.
he seems to be stringing you along.

Miss Fluff

I'm afraid you are fooling yourself. And he is stringing you along. He's hedging his bets I'm afraid. You need to cut contact rather than holding yourself back by believing that there is going to be a reunion. If he wanted to be with you OP he'd be with you, sorry

LegacyUser

Thank you for your honesty.
I know deep down ye are right. I dont think I am necessarily being immature about it. I suppose I only see the good in us and what we had. He has been depressed really i suppose about his career money and gets very stressed and worried alot!
That said we get on famously, have so much in common, have fantastic chemistry. It just seems so difficult to understand and close it off.

Does anyone have good / bad experiences of breaking up and then in time getting back together? Does it work or is one person always left feeling like the underdog??

I am a friend

People will be able to comeback on here and tell you incredible happy ever after stories but what good is that to you? It's nOt your story, well at the moment anyway.

I am very recently tragically bereaved and also have a very pressured job and do worry about money but would I dump my oh??? Not in a million.

Don't listen to excuses, listen to your head.

Btw, he can't miss you if you are still there.

AnnyHallsal

Hey OP,

I know dozens of couples who have split up and gotten back together. There are a dozen different versions of what happened afterwards. Some are still together. Some lumbered on for a few years and eventually split up for good.

As someone who has been in your situation, I empathise. It's a really, really difficult thing to go through. The fruit of my experience would be:

The wisest thing you can do now is cut contact, as difficult as this can be. As someone else said here or on another thread he can't miss you if you're there being a shoulder to cry on. If it is the end, you will not be able to move on until you have distance and silence. Suffer it out, it really is the easiest way in the end. He could well change his mind but you need time and distance to decide if that's what's best for you.

You're grieving now. Be kind to yourself and be prepared to go through the traditional stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining etc.

Remember, there is and has to be more to your life than this relationship. It may have seemed like it was the best part but it's disastrous to rely on another person for your happiness. Friends, fulfilment, small pleasures .. you will enjoy these again.

You can't make someone love you. That's for them. You control what you do, leave them to their own decisions. We've all fallen in and out of love with people and know there's not a thing you can do if you're not feeling it, much as you might want to. And needing someone too much tends to drive them away.

Best of luck to you, x.

seanrose

hey crystal,

I will give you my opinion on this matter as im in the same position as yourself,been broke up this last 4 months,we have been in contact and went to the cinmea together last weekend,there was no mention of getting back together but we said we would do something again sometime

But i have decided that the best thing is to get on with my life and concentrate on myself,i have a lot going for me and felt like i as you put it will feel like the underdog if we ever got back together because i did all the chasing.

I have come to the conclusion that i want somebody who will feel the same way about me that i will feel about them

Through time you may realise that they werent all that and that there is a big world out there full with good people who deserve you

keep the head up crystal

I am a friend

Op when things are going bad in a relationship we tend to cling on to try to make it better - this can make us practically obsessed or addicted to the person or even situation.

What's happening here is that you are still fully addicted so he is your heroin but he doesn't want to be addicted to you anymore so you are his methodone. Hope the analogy doesn't upset you but the basic principal is the same. He is using you to cure him...

LegacyUser

Thank you for your comments.

I totally do need to start focussing on myself. I have clung on and been there for him.
In fact I was always the strong one and was always there for him and now I feel very let down. I was always very strong and confident. Now I feel shattered.
I have no interest in anybody else and I can never imagine being with anyone else.

In the past I have broken up with people but the spark was gone. Here the chemistry is still great. We still really fancy each other. We enjoy each others company and have loads in common.

I am going on a holiday in a few weeks with a good friend and i hope it will help me cop on.
I doubt he is pining like I am.

So yes ye are all right. I do need to start looking after myself and cutting the contact. That is the only way he will miss me as ye say. I just dont know if Im strong enough.....

I am a friend

Well you have 2 choices - you keep doing what you are doing, which isnt working or you can try something new and see if that works. the somethign new is thinking about yoruself...

LegacyUser

Thanks Im a Friend. You are talking sense. I am sorry to hear of your recent difficult time.
Kind of puts things in perspective really.
I gave up an awful lot for this person and always was so committed to us. There was alot of upheaval and travel etc. It wasnt easy but it was always worth it when we saw each other.

Its funny now we are back in the same place and he wants out.

I know this sounds really pathetic but how do I get it together? I am very weak at the moment. How do I pick myself up and get determined again?

LegacyUser

Thank you I am a friend. It puts things in perspective when you hear other peoples difficult times.

I am just at a very low ebb at the moment. I have lost all confidence and feel totally shattered.

Any advice from anyone on how to get on with life after a total and utter heartbreak? I cant see myself ever wanting to be with anyone else again to be honest. Physically it was just perfect and I would find it so hard to even consider anyone like that ever again.

I blame myself and look back on mistakes that I made. But then I feel very hard done by as I did far more right and was 100% to us.

I just wish I could flick and switch and feel better. At the moment I just feel pathetic and miserable and I miss him so much. I totally love him and I truly miss him in my life. I wish he was a total asshole and we fell out badly its so much easier to walk away. I wish he would tell me he doesnt love me.

How do you get on with it?

I am a friend

Thanks...

Firstly you stop with destructive behaviour and you know what that is. Secondly you realise things have changed and you cry and you give out and you wallow and it will get better - I promise you that.

What about this current situation do you like? Is this the way you want to live? If not, the only way to move on is to cut him out of your life and drag yourself from day to day until one day you start to feel better. See your friends, go on hols and don't sit there waiting for the crumbs from him table. You sound like a fab girl now go and show the rest of the world that!!!

LegacyUser

Crystal,

This might sound a little wacky, but one thing that helped me was the following affirmation:

"I bless you with love and I release you. You are free and I am free."

I'd visualise the long-term boyfriend that dumped me, even with someone else, to get used to the fact that he was not mine any more.

I reckon counselling or a good self-help book wouldn't hurt at the moment. Look at this as a project where your goal is to be a healthy, happy independent person who doesn't rely on anyone else for their self-worth and who won't put up with anything less than someone who thinks they're the bees knees and whole heartedly wants to be with them.

Try not to idealise your past together. Make yourself remember the bad as well as the good. And every time you want to contact him remember he chose not to be with you, he does not want you. Best thing you can do is show him you don't need him,

Best of luck.

RhubarbCrumble

OP, I know exactly where you're coming from. I have been on and off with someone a couple of times and have finished it for good recently and told him not to contact me anymore as I just can't take anymore stress and worrying etc. The last time we finished he was mad to get back with me and (stupidly) I gave in after a few months because he promised me that this time he'd try harder etc etc.
Of course it was the same old story, everything else in his life came before me and I just felt very far down his list of priorities. I was sick of being used, always being there for him when he had problems, but he was never there for me because he was "up to his eyes with work" or some other excuse.

I still have feelings for him and wish it could have been different, but I can't take being hurt anymore.

Painful as it is now OP I honestly think that cutting contact with your ex once and for all is the only way forward because otherwise you'll just end up giving in again. I know, I've been there

Hope it works out okay for both of us in the future.