Are we boring you yet?

hubba

I am off it 3 months now and met up with a close family member for the first time since being off and had a fresh reaction to my new found sobriety.

When I first told him he was sober and instantly full of praise and support but on the second night, as he got more drunk, he kept asking 'are we boring you yet?', 'are you alright there', 'are we boring you?'. Drove me mad. Then over dinner, when the waiter offered me a free taster sample of alcohol flavouried ice-cream, and I declined, mainly because I was full, he shouted to the waiter 'she'll have it, thanks' and then watched me like a hawk while I ate it.

I was very pissed off but tried not to show it, as dealing with pissed people is just useless.

Anyone had this kind of experience?

seanrose

Hello Hubba,

I wouldnt worry about it 2 much,i had a friend who got pissed off at me because I was in the pub and i dared to ask for a mineral,
I have done 26 days and now on to 16 days,birthday in middle of september so il see then if i feel like i want to have a drink or not

The way i see it is that it makes them feel insecure themselves in the fact that they themselves cant do without alcohol.This is a friend who is very down this last while because of a relationship issue and the fact that he has drink and drug problems.

Hubba what i say to friends if they ask me why im off it i say its because im no good at it like themselves,that normally shuts them up.

That family member would be the first person to talk about you if you made an balls off yourself drinking so dont worry about it

hubba

Thanks Seanrose and well done so far on staying off it.

I think I'm just venting a bit, I suppose I can't expect drinkers to be 100% supportive since they are engaging in the very thing they are 'congratulating' you on not doing but I just didn't expect to be almost bullied like that. He wasn't bullying when I was dropping him home, I noticed!

I guess I must be ready for these type of situations. I should have stuck to my guns and said I didn't want the ice-cream for a start but I was afraid of being embarrassed further. Thicker skin is required, me thinks.

Sunnyisland

Well done seanrose and hubba for staying of alcohol for your respective times, It does get and you will feel better for it.
I find when i go out socialising that you always get one who keeps going on & on about why your not drinking,I have even had people buying me a pint even though i said i don't drink,"they thought i was messing".Imo these people are afraid to face there own drinking problems and are afraid you will show them up,After some time it does die down and most people just accept that you don't drink, Its no big deal or business to most people anyway.

The Nutty M

It's a bit annoying alright when something like that happens and preferably I'd have stuck to my guns and refused.You'll get it off lots of people but you have to grow whale skin .Well done on being off drink by the ways,I hope it is working out well for you:)

kjl

Guys this is called outward reflection. This guy was not trying to insult you or be rude to you. What you need to understand is that they are drunk, they are not taking a digg at you, they are trying to have a good time and they want to make sure you are too. The reason you are picking up on this so much is because you are newly off the booze.

I get people asking me about my non drinking all the time, but I don't find it annoying, they are just curious. Most of my friends are completely cool with it and no word of a lie would call me the most fun person in a group to be with. You need to let you hair down and still enjoy yourself when you are out. Get on the dance floor and have a dance, what's brilliant is no body is really paying attention so even if you completely look like and idiot nobody will care. Moving around and laughing will release natural endorphins too which gives you a massive high during the night. If fact so much so people ask me if I drunk when they don't know I am not. When people are talking get chatting with them make outrageous comments and slag off the same way you would if you were drunk.

So you need to ask yourself, are you picking up too much on the comments because this man be a reflection of how you are really feeling?

aiseiri47

So you need to ask yourself, are you picking up too much on the comments because this man be a reflection of how you are really feeling?

It is possible it's a reflection of their feelings, but I wouldn't dismiss the idea that people can and do bully non-drinkers. It's called peer pressure. I've had people react to my non-drinking with very unflattering disbelief, and rarely (if ever) are the people bullying me about not drinking people who are, as you've said, drunk. I had one fella get into a debate with me about why I don't drink while we were at work. And at a Christmas party, my boss wouldn't shut up about me not drinking - very much in the same way described in the OP - more or less saying I don't know how to have fun; meanwhile I was chatting and dancing with the girls, and he was literally sitting at a table waiting for his buzz to kick-in.

I agree that being self-conscious about not drinking is not productive; but I personally find that many people treat non-drinkers like problems that need to be remedied. And being drunk is not an excuse; most people who are drunk don't notice/care who is and isn't drinking. If someone is still going on about it after a few drinks, they have a serious hang-up on the issue, I think.

I also agree that most people don't behave this way - people are usually surprised, genuinely interested, or even deeply in awe - but as they say, there's always one.

To be honest, I think that person who feels the need to pressure you into drinking is the one person who is afraid or incapable of going without, and doesn't like the fact you're showing that you're stronger than they are. That's a typical bully for you - cowards who don't like the bravery of others, so they punish them, hoping to take them down to their level.

kjl

aiseiri47 wrote: »

It is possible it's a reflection of their feelings, but I wouldn't dismiss the idea that people can and do bully non-drinkers. It's called peer pressure. I've had people react to my non-drinking with very unflattering disbelief, and rarely (if ever) are the people bullying me about not drinking people who are, as you've said, drunk. I had one fella get into a debate with me about why I don't drink while we were at work. And at a Christmas party, my boss wouldn't shut up about me not drinking - very much in the same way described in the OP - more or less saying I don't know how to have fun; meanwhile I was chatting and dancing with the girls, and he was literally sitting at a table waiting for his buzz to kick-in.

I agree that being self-conscious about not drinking is not productive; but I personally find that many people treat non-drinkers like problems that need to be remedied. And being drunk is not an excuse; most people who are drunk don't notice/care who is and isn't drinking. If someone is still going on about it after a few drinks, they have a serious hang-up on the issue, I think.

I also agree that most people don't behave this way - people are usually surprised, genuinely interested, or even deeply in awe - but as they say, there's always one.

To be honest, I think that person who feels the need to pressure you into drinking is the one person who is afraid or incapable of going without, and doesn't like the fact you're showing that you're stronger than they are. That's a typical bully for you - cowards who don't like the bravery of others, so they punish them, hoping to take them down to their level.

While I agree with you that there are bullies about non drinking, a lot of people who are fresh off the drink are still a bit bitter themselves. So I would say outward reflection is a big part. I find it rare that someone hassles me about not drinking, but there is definitely curiosity about it.

There are some who feel uncomfortable with you around because they fear they are being observed and judged by you, to them I simply say they are not that interesting.

hubba

aiseiri47 wrote: »

It is possible it's a reflection of their feelings, but I wouldn't dismiss the idea that people can and do bully non-drinkers. It's called peer pressure. I've had people react to my non-drinking with very unflattering disbelief, and rarely (if ever) are the people bullying me about not drinking people who are, as you've said, drunk. I had one fella get into a debate with me about why I don't drink while we were at work. And at a Christmas party, my boss wouldn't shut up about me not drinking - very much in the same way described in the OP - more or less saying I don't know how to have fun; meanwhile I was chatting and dancing with the girls, and he was literally sitting at a table waiting for his buzz to kick-in.

I agree that being self-conscious about not drinking is not productive; but I personally find that many people treat non-drinkers like problems that need to be remedied. And being drunk is not an excuse; most people who are drunk don't notice/care who is and isn't drinking. If someone is still going on about it after a few drinks, they have a serious hang-up on the issue, I think.

I also agree that most people don't behave this way - people are usually surprised, genuinely interested, or even deeply in awe - but as they say, there's always one.

To be honest, I think that person who feels the need to pressure you into drinking is the one person who is afraid or incapable of going without, and doesn't like the fact you're showing that you're stronger than they are. That's a typical bully for you - cowards who don't like the bravery of others, so they punish them, hoping to take them down to their level.

I think you've understood it well. The person I mentioned was, on the surface anyway, happy for me but the more drink he consumed that night, the more cynical he became. And whilst I know I may have been a little sensitive to other people's attention on the subject of my not drinking (it being so new at the time), it was the shock of this persons aggressive bullying which upset me so much. He was very loud in the restaurant, insisting the waiter give me the alcohol flavoured icecream even though I had said no firmly twice. Then he watched me like a hawk, grinning while I ate it.

Whilst I don't have a problem now eating small amounts of alcohol in food, I hadn't yet, at that time decided what my policy was on it, whether or not it would jeapordise my sobriety etc so I would rather have just passed and decided at another time.

In glorious hindsight I should have stood my ground but I didn't want to enhance his opinion of me as a boring sod. However, since that occasion, I am much firmer and just cannot afford to be wishy washy in my own commitment to sobriety. My values and personal rules for living are non negotiable.

Further, I am getting better at reading the signs of bubbling aggression in drinkers and am learning when it is best to just up and leave. I don't need that sh*te.

Longwinded rant, sorry about that but it was a very significant moment for me, and a big learning exerience so if it helps anyone else dealing with a similar situation, I'll be glad.

Robdude

aiseiri47 wrote: »

To be honest, I think that person who feels the need to pressure you into drinking is the one person who is afraid or incapable of going without, and doesn't like the fact you're showing that you're stronger than they are. That's a typical bully for you - cowards who don't like the bravery of others, so they punish them, hoping to take them down to their level.

Maybe the people drinking can detect your belief that you are stronger than they are by not drinking? That line of thinking probably doesn't come across as warm and inviting.

It's hard to enjoy a nice chocolate cake for desert when a fitness/personal trainer type is sitting across from you at the table looking at you weak for not having the convictions towards a healthy diet. It might make someone who would otherwise enjoy the cake feel uncomfortable.

aiseiri47

Maybe the people drinking can detect your belief that you are stronger than they are by not drinking? That line of thinking probably doesn't come across as warm and inviting.

Did I say I believed I was stronger than them, or that I behave that way? No. I'm referring very specifically to people who cannot actually go out and enjoy themselves without drinking. Not people who genuinely prefer to drink. People who cannot not drink. I'm not claiming to know who these people are by looking at them, and I'm most certainly not claiming they are any kind of majority or even a notable demographic.

It is, quite simply, about bullying. Typically speaking bullies are not people who actually think there is something wrong with their victim's behaviour. They are people who subscribe to social norms because of social pressure, and are uncomfortable with people who break those social norms. "If I've been forced to conform, why shouldn't you be, too?"


And to be honest, I would have no reason to think I'm strong at all for not drinking. I don't drink because I don't like alcohol - I tried it a handful of times in a few various forms, and it all tasted dreadful so I lost interest. Nothing about the experience of drinking has ever even mildly appealed to me. Even if social pressure ever got to me (which it hasn't; as I've said, these bullies are a minority) I have dozen other reasons for not drinking, including a history of depression and a family history of alcoholism. *shrugs* To me, it's about as simple as the fact I don't watch soaps - so what I'm left out of a few conversations amongst colleagues? Not my thing.

Robdude

aiseiri47 wrote: »

Did I say I believed I was stronger than them, or that I behave that way? No. I'm referring very specifically to people who cannot actually go out and enjoy themselves without drinking. Not people who genuinely prefer to drink. People who cannot not drink. I'm not claiming to know who these people are by looking at them, and I'm most certainly not claiming they are any kind of majority or even a notable demographic.

It is, quite simply, about bullying. Typically speaking bullies are not people who actually think there is something wrong with their victim's behaviour. They are people who subscribe to social norms because of social pressure, and are uncomfortable with people who break those social norms. "If I've been forced to conform, why shouldn't you be, too?"


And to be honest, I would have no reason to think I'm strong at all for not drinking. I don't drink because I don't like alcohol - I tried it a handful of times in a few various forms, and it all tasted dreadful so I lost interest. Nothing about the experience of drinking has ever even mildly appealed to me. Even if social pressure ever got to me (which it hasn't; as I've said, these bullies are a minority) I have dozen other reasons for not drinking, including a history of depression and a family history of alcoholism. *shrugs* To me, it's about as simple as the fact I don't watch soaps - so what I'm left out of a few conversations amongst colleagues? Not my thing.

I think I understand what your saying, and I can agree with it. Maybe I misunderstood your last post. Sorry.

aiseiri47

A misunderstanding on a forum full of strangers? No way

I can see where you're coming from, too. If a personal trainer looked at me judgementally while I was enjoying my dessert, I'd probably finish it anyway and feel good about it, but I wouldn't be endeared to go out to dinner with that person again, either.