Dating...what should I do?

LegacyUser

Not really a dilemma, more of a sort of pondering I guess...

I'm a mid 20s female, living abroad (Canada) and have recently started dating. Before that I was so busy with work and settling in etc that guys weren't really on my radar, but since the summer started, I all-of-a-sudden started getting asked out. I attribute it to being more outgoing and social in general, meeting a ton of new people, making more of an effort appearance-wise and a general surge of confidence. Being single, if I get asked out, I will always say yes (unless there's a definite lack of interest right off the bat). I think asking someone out has got to be a really daunting thing to do and I admire the balls that it takes!

So, it being Canada and 'multi-dating' sort of being the norm over here, I'm seeing a few guys right now. Guy 1 is a really nice guy, a bit older (34), a bit serious and really into me. I hope I don't come across as big-headed, but he's said some things to give me that impression, he's a bit shy and nervous around me when it comes to the physical stuff, which I find endearing and we've been on four dates so far. I'm not sure how I feel about him. Though I'm pretty sure I'm not AS into him, at least not yet, but he's a great guy and treats me well.

The second guy I met on a night out, he took my number, we texted, he asked me out. He's cute as hell, really smart and funny (has a humour that's lacking in Guy 1) but at the risk of sounding shallow, he's really short and it's not something I can get past. He's about 5'3 and while I am 5'1, I just never find myself attracted to shorter guys. We had our date on Sunday, got on like a house on fire, he kissed me, called me today and we'll be going out again next week. Again, don't want to string him along, but I don't want to rule him completely out as I am a complete commitmentphobe and will find any reason to dismiss a guy and remain single. Hence 26 years of singledom. The short thing though...it's a big hurdle.

The third guy is really really hot. A complete man-whore and not all that charismatic and after what was a fairly uninspired first date I thought I would never hear from him again (his eyes were darting around the room the whole time as if he didn't want to be there.) However he texted me the next day and asked me out again. I'm fairly certain this would be an f buddy scenario - he expressedly said he's never been in love, isn't looking for a relationship and has a high sex drive on the date - and I'll be honest, I'm a bit tempted.

It's more tempting to me than the first two guys, mainly because despite him being a bit of an a55hole, I'm fairly certain I'm attracted to him. But that's my quandry. I have ZERO relationship history, in my 26 years on the planet I've just had a series of short-term set ups and f buddies and I've never really emotionally invested in anything further. Fear of getting hurt, pride, self-protection, fear, stubbornness, independence...it's a long list.

I guess I'm just laying all this out because I'm worried that I am dismissing the first two guys too easily...just because they seem to actually like me beyond just wanting to fcuk me and maybe there's a risk of getting hurt or something. Sex is just sex at the end of the day, which is why Guy 3 is looking the most attractive.

But then I'm thinking, it may just be the case that I am just not into the first two guys? I'm not all that used to dating and it's a damned sight different over here than at home, but now that I am actually dating, I feel as though I shouldn't be taking the situation for granted. I NEVER get asked out at home, rarely even here up until recently and I want to give it a shot...I'd love to meet someone and form a real connection, but how long does it usually take? Could I potentially develop feelings for either of the first two guys despite the lack of 'instant fireworks'???

Sorry for all the self-indulgent ramblings. It helps to write it all down. Any insights would be great...bit of a dating newbie!

Miss Fluff

Lol, I think the opposite Sunflower!

I think the OP should give Guy A and Guy B a chance and go on a few more dates to get to know them better. As a certified commitment phobe (until now when I'm with an amazing guy and finally allowed myself be a smitten kitten) I do think you've followed a pattern up to now of making excuses as to why guys aren't suitable. I've done it myself so many times. Just dismissed good blokes because of ridiculous things. Hell I nearly dismissed my OH because I don't like one of his t-shirts (Yes I cringe when I think of it :eek::o)

If you fele you're now ready for a relationship and would like something more now than a F-buddy then you need to change your behaviour patterns. So why don't you go against the grain this time and dismiss Guy C for being a great shag but probably nothing more if you really think you might like something more this time around?

liz2

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I think the OP should give Guy A and Guy B a chance and go on a few more dates to get to know them better. As a certified commitment phobe (until now when I'm with an amazing guy and finally allowed myself be a smitten kitten) I do think you've followed a pattern up to now of making excuses as to why guys aren't suitable. I've done it myself so many times. Just dismissed good blokes because of ridiculous things.

Im with you there miss fluff, ive done that myself
op, there'd be no harm in giving guy a or b another chance. they may even surprise you

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys!

I guess you've hit the nail on the head there about dismissing guys for ridiculous reasons and that's sort of why I posted...I'm not sure I trust myself 100% on these ones. I genuinely can't tell if I feel any attraction towards Guy 1 and/or 2 that makes them worth pursuing or if the whole thing is just a silly game to me. Like I'm self-sabotaging by dismissing too early and ready to fall back into the usual pattern of a sex-only relationship with someone I inevitably end up wanting more from...

I really don't know how to call this one. On the one hand, I'm all for sticking around and going on a few more dates and seeing if anything happens...but on the other hand, like Sunflower, I sort of feel like attraction should be instantaneous and there's no point in waiting for something to change, all the while stringing these two guys along...

Maybe I'll just see where it goes, have a few more dates and see how I feel. It's sort of hard to trust yourself on this one when you've got a firmly established pattern that you're trying to escape! Thanks again

Miss Fluff

datingexhaustion wrote: »

I guess you've hit the nail on the head there about dismissing guys for ridiculous reasons and that's sort of why I posted...I'm not sure I trust myself 100% on these ones. I genuinely can't tell if I feel any attraction towards Guy 1 and/or 2 that makes them worth pursuing or if the whole thing is just a silly game to me. Like I'm self-sabotaging by dismissing too early and ready to fall back into the usual pattern of a sex-only relationship with someone I inevitably end up wanting more from...

I think you're showing tremendous self-awareness. That's a trait to be admired, so you go girl!

If the spark is not there it's not there. I'm with Sunflower in that I don't see the point in pushing a closed door. But if you like Guy A and/or Guy B, enjoy their company, their wit, their intelligence, they treat you well , are kind to you and you think that you could find them attractive then I think it would be a shame to just dismiss them because they haven't given you fizzy knickers yet.

The man-whores come and go. If you're looking for a bit of fun and a man-whore to indulge you then they are ten-to-the-dozen tbh.

What I'm trying to say is, some of the most amazingly hot sex and fun times for me have been with the slow-burners

Break your usual pattern and see where it leads, you might be amazed

dearg lady

My personal experience is that attraction can grow for someone you don't fancy at the start but it is unusual. What seemed to happen for me is if I was friends with someone, the attraction could grow over time, but if I started dating the person while not attracted to them, it didn't change for me.

It's a tough one, because none of us can predict what will happen, and I understand you don't want to string these guys along. I agree with Miss Fluff re changing your patterns. If you decide not to see Guy A or B again, don't see Guy C either, hold out fo the man with all you want!

G-Money

Stick to one guy at a time and I think it would make things a lot simpler.

I don't really buy into this dating more than one person at a time mentality. It means that none of the people are given a fair chance as they're being constantly weighed up, compared and analysed against whoever else the person is dating. Not really very fair on them and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't fancy being scientifically scrutinised this way yourself OP.