NSA confusion.. swinging gone wrong!

LegacyUser

im a single f, went to a swinging party, liked it. joined a website to check out other parties and maybe meet couples. as a single f on those sites you gets tuns of messages from guys wanting to sleep with you, i wasnt interested in the site for that so usually ignore them. got a message off one guy, cant remember what it even said, but must have been non sleazy or funny or something coz i replied which i never do, and we ended up chatting back and forth, mostly just about normal stuff, and i got the impression he was a nice guy. he wasnt like the other often desperate weirdos on it, he was like me, liked the idea of it but very picky and had only met one person off it and was still kinda weird and wary about the whole thing. but he did want to meet me, and even tho it wasnt what i wanted, to meet single guys, we were getting on so well and i thought he was hot and we had chemistry, so i thought feck it, ill meet up with him and see, maybe could be a nice **** buddy! but he lives on the other side of the country so due to that and other commitments it was over a month before we were both free to meet.

in that time we ended up texting each other pretty much non stop, just general how the day was going, other chat, some dirty talk now and then. this is unusual for a nsa meet, usually there would be no chit chat in between, definitely not of a non dirty nature. i brought up how this was not 'normal' a few times, to be texting all the time etc, he just said something like 'so what, there are no rules, i like texting you, but if you want we can stop', but i liked texting him too so i left it. but could feel myself starting to proper like him, if the 'him' he was portraying to me was actually genuine. so i was enjoying it, but also wondering if he was being a player, or what was his game, to be acting out of the norm like this. we were basically texting like a couple kind of, it was kinda bizarre to all happen so fast, but we got on like a house on fire, as far as you can without meeting!

we met. it was amazing, like i'd know him for years, no awkwardness, loads of chemistry, chatting away like best friends, and the sex was fantastic. he stayed both nights of the weekend, and afterwards we were back to chatting away non stop. so my little alarm bells were going off coz i didnt want to get attached with someone on the other side of the country, dont see the point of starting up a LDR, ive been in one before and the distance thing was awful. but since then he mentioned a few jokey things about hoping im not planning on meeting other guys from the site, or can i wait to have sex again with any one else til hes up again. at the same time i knew he was still on the site, obviously talking to girls, so my bull**** radar went up again, i thought maybe he was seeing if i'd agree not to see another guy (like someone i might meet in a pub etc, he knows im not planning on meeting any other guy off the site) just for the craic and ego boost of knowing id agree to it, otherwise why would he be on it still himself talking to women if he was serious about not wanting to see anyone else til he saw me again. so i got a bit annoyed and thought he was playing me, brought up how i told him at the start nsa should be nsa, and that he was confusing me.

so he was honest, said he liked me, that it would bother him if i was with another guy, and that he isnt going to be with anyone else until he can meet me again and talk about stuff in person, because hes only intetrested in me at the moment. i queried him about going on the site then, he said he just does it coz hes bored, that he has no intention of meeting people and he would stop. i told him that we're not in a rship and that i dont want to tell him what to do and to go on it if he wants, which i meant, but he said no, that him being on it is making it look otherwise, and that its not important, seeing me again is important. true to form he hasnt logged on since that day weeks ago coz i checked out of curiousity!

so i dunno, i just, ive been hurt and cheated on before, and i know that im often sceptical and cynical and often wonder do guys have ulterior motives when they say they like me. bit of an ice queen! so i dont want to project that crap on this situation. is it possible he's genuine, that hes got to know me and does really like me? if he lived in my town i wouldnt give a second thought to getting into something with him, everything about him is perfect. but maybe its how we met, that is making me think hes a player.. or the fact that i dont know what hes up to when hes at home, he could have a gf!, or its my insecurity, or both. and maybe the distance is confusing matters too coz i dont want a LDR. hes on my mind all the time, i get butterflies when he texts etc, etc, but maybe thats just coz im just enjoying the attention. or is that me pushing away feelings and trying to down play everything?

basically id like peoples opinions on should i continue going slow and being friends and meeting up and seeing what comes of it all, that maybe in time we could work something out, or at least it might fizzle out naturally with no harm done. or is this a recipe for disaster with too many confusing elements and i should stop it in its tracks? or at the very least put the foot down and define it as nsa and not allow anything else other than booty calls when hes in my part of the country. it's all very ridiculous and i dont know what way to look at it, was not expecting this to happen!

LegacyUser

God OP, I could have written a very similar story myself. Only I didn't meet my OH on a swinger's site, I just caught him on it. He said he was only chatting, and not interested in finding a sex partner.

I don't know what to tell you, I just feel sick. Be careful, that's all I can say.

I don't know how anyone can trust anyone these days I really don't.

Miss Fluff

You can choose to take this at face value and see where it leads. You have reservations and rightly so, agreeing to seeing him again does not however mean the same thing as agreeing to marry him. It is VERY early days so you can just choose to chill out about this, don't give your heart away to soon, and set the pace yourself.

Has he invited you to his part of the country? Have you looked him up on Facebook etc?

If you want my honest opinion based on instinct and experience I'd say proceed with caution though. In my experience, the ones who move quickly and are that intense at the start usually have little substance.

The odds aren't great. You met him on an NSA site, he lives across the country and you don't really know anything about him. Smooth operators are just that :rolleyes: Often married ones too.

If you feel really strongly about him then by all means date him and see where it leads but I'd be very careful if I were you. I'd be giving him the slip.

nagolina

For someone looking for NSA sex, you are thinking about this an awful lot! Is it because you weren't expecting to have any emotional attachment to this guy? Are you normally able to do the whole casual sex thing without it getting complicated?

If you just want him to be a booty call as and when, then you need to detach from any feelings you might have about him still being on the site chatting to other people.

If you want more than that, then you need to tell him and decide between you whether you want to start a LDR.

Sounds to me like he is playing you though. Getting a kick out of seeing how far he can pull your strings while he gets an ego boost out of you "waiting" for him.

FWIW, I had a great time having some casual flings a year or two back, it was a lot of fun. I knew it was time to stop though when I began to develop feelings for one of them. Maybe deep down you are looking for more than just a sh*g?

Doirtybirdy

My view is don't label it.
Ride the wave.It's just an episode in your life,that you unexpectedly found yourself in.
Theres no harm being done.
It doesn't need over analysis.Plenty people would love the distraction.
Watch your feelings though,that goes for all relationships obviously

LegacyUser

miss fluff: he did invite me up to his part of the country, but hasnt happened yet, its easier for him to get down here, but he did mention it several times. he doesn't use facebook so havent been able to look at that.

nagolina: thats why, i wasnt expecting to like him or click this much with anyone,i only wanted nsa,and i definitely am usually fine with casual sex, thats why i was curious about swinging, just wanted to explore, i can separate sex and feelings easily. im not looking for more than a shag. im not 'not' looking for a rship, whatever happens happens, but thats in the 'real' world, was def not hoping to find a rship while swinging!

i dont have any feelings about him being on the site, i dont mind if he is, but if he wants to not see other people, then i do mind him being on it, coz obv if i dont get to, then he shouldnt get to either!

i dont want a LDR, (tho maybe im too quick to rule the potential of any LDR out) and if we cant see other people, but also arent in a LDR, then that doesnt make sense, we get the 'bad' bits of a rship so to speak -not seeing other people, without the good bits of being in a rship. like the notion of not seeing other people seems ridiculous to me, if we're carrying on as we are, so unless he bites the bullet and wants to be a rship,then whats the point of being exclusive. so yeah when we speak about it, if hes still mentioning exclusiveness without any substance, then whats the point, hes messing. and if he does seem serious, and i agree, i've ended up in a LDR, my worst nightmare!

i know im right to be wary, but knowing me and my cynicism, i just didnt wanna be too wary and close down the potential of something good just coz its a very unexpected and unusual situation! guess i'll keep up the ice queen and see how long he keeps his interest. thanks for your input :-)

LegacyUser

OP again

sorry 'feelsickreadingthat', didnt see your post at first! ugh, your post makes me feel like cutting him off and makes me feel really stupid (i know not your intention of course, you're giving genuine advice, and sorry for what happened you!) that i'm probably being played.

then 'doirtyboirdy' makes me feel much more positive, just got with the flow, be clever, see what happens.

guess it's impossible to know which is right in this case other than stick with it and find out, and at least if i get burned then it's live and learn.. keeps life interesting anyway! :-/

ManOfMystery

There's a lot of things being inferred here simply because you met him on a swinging site.

But the bottom line is - people who 'click' can hit it off anywhere. It be be a pub, it can be a club, it can be passing each other on the street, it can be after a one-night stand, it can be on a holiday ............................. or in your case, it can on a swinging site.

Is it an ideal place for a potentially serious relationship to spring from nowhere? Not really, consider most swinging sites are places with a fairly liberal and free attitude to partners and sex. But the fact remains, some chemistry occurred and some spark suddenly flared between you and this guy. And it's worth exploring that.

Let's bear in mind, he has absolutely no obligation to do any of the things he's done or said. Why would he pretend to have an interest in you if he didn't? To be absolutely fair, you have to judge him on what he's said and done so far - and so far, his intentions seem entirely honourable.

I'd like to say that the fact you guys met on a swinging site is totally irrelevant, but that wouldn't really be realistic.

So with that in mind ....... I'd say give it a shot if you think it's worth it, but maybe just take things a little slower than you would in the first few stages of a relationship which sprang from 'normal' circumstances. There's slightly more potential for hurt here given that you're both skirting around the topic of exclusivity, but yet have met through a website which practices the opposite of that.

tbh

the way I see it, you weren't looking for anyone before you met him, so you were obviously happy enough with your life.

I think you're obviously enjoying the situation but it's not - at the moment, and I don't mean any disrespect - a "real" relationship, it's a text relationship. Those can make you feel great, but that's because you don't have to deal with the nitty gritty of a relationship - and you have your own life, but also this added little bonus.

there's nothing wrong with carrying on with things the way they are now, but I wouldn't be making any sacrifices. What I would do if I were you is tell yer man "look, I enjoy your company, I enjoy what we've got, but it's far too early for me to be making any commitments. If you want to keep this up, I'm happy to, but I'm also, for the moment, going to carry on talking to other guys and using the site etc, and I'm happy for you to as well. If you can handle that, great, and if not, we should end it here".

I mean, if he decides that he can't handle it, you're no worse off than you were before, which didn't sound too bad, and you're open to meeting someone like him, but local