Depression: Should I defer college?

BarsOfaRhyme

Hi there, this is my first time posting so I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong place or anything like that. I just really need some advice, and a place to vent...

Well, the story is that I got my leaving cert results last week and got well over 500 points. I got my first choice course and in theory I should be moving to Dublin in a few weeks.

The problem is that I am suffering from depression. Sometimes I get so low I don't want to even go on. This might sound silly but when I'm angry hit myself really,i mean really, hard in the head until I have a splitting headache. It really worries me that I have such little self-worth.

I have extremely low self esteem and body confidence and it's really holding me back. I have a skin condition(since birth,might improve with treatment I'm having but unlikely) on my leg and most people don't know that I have it. I never go swimming and travelling to warm countries where you have to wear more revealing clothing is such a nightmare for me. I'm not that bad looking when I'm all covered up i.e jeans,tights,leggings and I do have makeup that can conceal my problem but its v.time consuming to put on.

Though not as serious as the skin condition I do I have other issues too , such as stretch marks(genetic) from a growth spurt and really unmanageable hair! I really worry that my lack of confidence will stop me from having relationships and in turn marriage and children. People compliment my looks all the time but that's when my hair is done and my skin concealed , I always think they'd be shocked if the saw me in my natural state:(

I couldn't concentrate this year on my school work and,whilst I am totally aware that some people would be thrilled with the results I got , I am very disappointed. I just knew I could have done a lot better and it's tough to see people who I did better than all the way up through school do better than me. I know I got my first choice and that I should just be thankful for that but I feel I've really let myself down. It's the same as with my looks really ; people don't know the truth. They keep congratulating me on my results , but they don't know how little study I managed to do this year and how much better I could have done:(

School was always tough for me as I never really bought into that 'clique' thing that the girls in my school did and I always felt very outside of the loop. I'm really worried about college social life, I have gone clubbing and I do like it but I couldn't go more than once a week as it's time consuming and exhausting applying the make-up to cover my skin problem. I'm worried I'll become isolated if I can't attend most of the college events. I takes me a lot of time to get myself into a position where I feel like I can attend an event/function - I'll probably skip my debs.

Basically, I'm really worried that college will be the same as school and I think that maybe I should defer it a year , get serious counselling and sort myself out. But I'm worried that it won't work and I'll just stagnate at home for a year and nothing will improve and might even get worse?

I know that everybody has tough times in their life and I by no means think that sixth year was a walk in the park for the other 50,000+ or so students who did exams this year but I think my case is quite serious at this stage.

Anybody out there ever been in a similar situation??? Any advice would be appreciated.

Apologies for the very long post:)

theredletter

Hmmm...

well first of all no matter what anyone says here it seems to me if self-harm is an aspect of your depression then you need to discuss it with your GP. There are a lot (I mean A LOT) of treatment options available for depression which can include medication and/ or therapy. You need to consider all of your options before taking a course of action. I would definitely talk to your GP about a form of logical therapy called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which is practiced by particular types of counselors. They won't focus so much on your childhood or issues like that but how your negative thoughts are more than likely misconceptions or exaggerations. Someone with your intelligence might really enjoy the logic behind this form of therapy.

Second of all you would be silly to defer. Yes, you could take the year off and mope around at home while trying to figure out your head, but I think that one of the major things about depression is inactivity. If you're not doing stuff you're more than likely going to get bored and feel worse... I say go for it.

Regarding the points... are you frigging serious? I get that you're depressed, but getting over 500 points is extremely difficult. I got similar points and I'll let you know that we are in the top 10% of the country and I'm now doing a PhD. You will probably follow a similar route. Yes, you didn't put in the effort at school because of your depression, but you I've a feeling that if you are doing a subject you love at college you will put the work in no matter what.

The physical conditions are a no-brainer. Get treatment and you might feel better, but I'd try to learn and accept them if you can. Everyone has something they dislike about their appearance, and having a skin condition on one leg isn't the biggest cross to bear. I've friends with massive birth marks on their faces and they just go with it and make it cool or something! Do the same! And dear, most of us have unmanageable hair... it's extremely common. Go for the curly/ messy look when you're in college - most people will be!!

About the college social life. It's NO comparison. School is very, very different than college. College isn't as grouped off. Sure there are GAA people, arty people, nerds etc. But this is usually down to subject, too. You'll hang out with your class and if you don't like them you'll branch out into the socities and clubs that are in your college. It's so different, so don't knock it! When I was in first year I went out 1-2 times a week, so going out once a week is more than enough, to be honest. You'll have Freshers Week (where you'll have to go out every night, trust me, you'll want to), but just go for it.

A friend of mine was in a similar depressive state last year and she started a college course and it just helped her so much come out of her shell and now is doing very well for herself. So allow yourself to feel bad now, and just sit back and enjoy the ride in college. Yes, you might feel just as miserable there, but I somehow doubt it

P.S. Go to your GP ASAP and talk to him/ her - that's what they're there for. You wouldn't believe the amount of people on anti-depressants in Ireland. It's insane.

LegacyUser

I was exactly the same as you when I did my Leaving Cert, OP. Got very high points, got my first choice course, but was a bit miffed because I thought I'd do better. It's a difficult thing to be disappointed about too, because people who didn't do as well as you did don't really understand why you're down about it. In time you'll get over that, though, especially if you enjoy your college course.

Cliques really don't matter in college, in my experience. The cliquey groups that you see in college tend to be ones that formed during secondary school (usually people who went to the same college as their friends just to be around them). In college, social groups form around shared interests. Join a society that focuses on some activity you're interested in. You're clearly intelligent, so I've no doubt you'd have something to offer. I doubt you'd be under pressure to go out every night, also!

OTOH, your depression sounds pretty bad. You have imperfections, but so does everyone else; it's your view of yourself that's the problem. I can say from my own experience that going to college will help you greatly in terms of self-image and self-confidence, but if your depression is that bad maybe you would be better off deferring. (Bear in mind that most colleges have decent free counselling services, though.) When all is said and done, it's your judgement call.

College will be NOTHING like secondary school.

You can completely reinvent yourself, or you can be totally accepted for who you are now. There's so many people, and so many different ways of meeting people, that as long as you try to make friends, you will. Even if you don't make friends with loads of people in your course, there's a society for just about every interest you can have, and you can have a fulfilled social life without ever having to go clubbing or getting dressed up.

I've also got to agree with theredletter, I've had depression and there is nothing worse than having too much time to yourself. If you really want to wait a year, go ahead, but make sure that year has a plan. A serious plan, that will take up most of your time. Don't leave yourself with free time, and certainly don't spend a year where each week revolves around staying at home all week and then going to therapy and then waiting to do it all again. You should definitely see someone professional to help you with your issues, but if you don't fill up your time with something else as well, you'll basically be spending a whole year just thinking about how depressed you are.

Lastly, first year in college is mainly just for getting used to your subject, getting out of the leaving cert mentality, and getting to know the ropes around college. Generally, first year marks don't count at all for your degree mark, you just have to pass to get into second year. With over 500 in the LC I doubt you'd fail first year exams. I would advise that you go into first year, try college on for size, and if you think you've made the wrong choice you can always take a year out before second year, so you've nothing to lose.

It's really important that you keep moving forward, think positive, and try your best. College really is what you make of it.

MadameGascar

BarsOfaRhyme wrote: »

Basically, I'm really worried that college will be the same as school and I think that maybe I should defer it a year , get serious counselling and sort myself out. But I'm worried that it won't work and I'll just stagnate at home for a year and nothing will improve and might even get worse?

This is exactly what I would be worried about OP, I know a few people who have stayed at home between school or before going to college and it has had a terrible effect on them from what I see. Secondary school can be a rotten environment where every little thing seems worse. Day in day out of the same thing in such a small space will do this this, and I think staying at home will have the same effect. It would be suffocating and its not a great place to deal with depression.

As someone mentioned a lot of colleges have free counselling services, there are so many social things going on in college & and even some that would be especially good for someone with low self esteem, counselors would make sure you're aware of such. Also you will have more freedom and independence that will be welcome after going through such a crap time in secondary school, and it could help shake some of the feeling it has left you with.

You may be afraid that depression will maybe stop you from giving it your all at college in a course you want and have worked for. Maybe it will a bit but trust me that staying at home is a far worse option. There are people in your college who will understand, whose job it is to, and there will be help for you and much more than you probably realize. Join up with any clubs or societies that interest you and you will probably meet the people that you were missing in secondary school, it is an infinitely friendlier place! You did brilliant in your exams and I'm sure you're going to study something you really wanted to, don't let that wait for a year OP! Best of luck

BarsOfaRhyme

Thanks for the kind words guys!

Yeah , I suppose I have to agree that deferral isn't the best option as , when I really think about it , a year is a long stretch of time and I don't think I'd have enough to do to occupy myself really. I'll definitely visit my GP anyway and hopefully restart counselling sessions. There might be a good counsellor in college though I think cognitive behavioural therapy might be a good route for me....

Great to get this all off my chest , just writing it down was a sense of relief.

Dark Phoenix

I hates secondary school with a passion. never studied at all and got 450 points in my leaving. Yeah I did think for about five minutes of if I bothered I'd have done really well but for what? Stop beating yourself up. You got a fantastic score and your first choice of course - what difference would it make if you had gotten more points sure you got the course you want anyway! You don't need to feel guilty about not doing better as for people not knowing the truth - the people congratulating you are happy for you and want to say well done it doesn't matter one bit to them if you studied all day every day or never cracked a book! The 'truth' is you are intelligent and did great. Some things in life come easy to everyone. There will be other things in life you will need to work harder at that others might find easy - thats life! As hard as it is for you to believe now in ten years time (five even!) no one wiull care how many points you got in your leaving.

As for deferring Thats your decision but I would worry it will only give you more time to spend alone and will remove a purpose from you. College is so diffferent to secondary school - you will be amazed. Uniqueness is more valued and people are a lot more copped on.

I do think some kind of therapy is advisble as the self harming is worrying and not something you want to progress.

1saddude

It'd definitely be for the best to address all these problems before you go to college. When I went I knew nobody there and didn't make any friends. It was the beginning of my depressed period. I only lasted 3 months.

Neyite

I would be inclined to say that new experiences and new surroundings will give you something else to occupy you. I know with depression there is the overwhelmind urge to do as little as possible, but its the worst you can do. A year off all you will do is mooch around.

I agree with the others - College is worlds away from the cliquey secondary school mentality - there are heaps of societies, and groups, or sports you can get stuck into - sign up for whatever may interest you, and keep busy. Suss out counselling in your college too.

Reinvent yourself. Instead of the schoolkid with the low self esteem, the old you, you are now the college undergraduate that aced the leaving, and has an active study and social life on campus, and is confident and happy.

BarsOfaRhyme

Thanks yeah, I think I'll really have to give the 'reinvention' thing a go.

More certain that I won't defer now, the general concensus seems to back up my initial fears that an idle year would be terrible for me.

Really appreciate the advice once again:)