Dating after LTR

Shell Shocked

Just a little history…my ex walked out on us (my dd is 4) in January, moved back to UK, has cut all ties and is due to be married next month. Of course we were devastated, but thought no point in standing still, we got more involved in the local community, met loads of new people and we both have full active social lives.

My dd understandably is still absolutely devastated which we are working through with some professional help.

As I have a lot going on at home, I decided to grab the bull by the horns and joined a dating website (just needed some me time), not looking for anything serious, just someone to meet up to go out for dinner, cinema etc.

This is where I need some opinions please - I met this guy three weeks ago (he’s 48, divorced, no kids, I’m 40). He’s lovely and ticks all the right boxes…have loads in common etc. Unfortunately, he is very full-on, and I have asked him to slow down a couple of times now. Just an example, he wanted me to go to a family function to meet his whole family. Obviously, I told him it’s too soon. He’s also very keen to meet my dd, which would certainly not be happening in the distant future. Just thinking about it, I don’t think I’m that attracted to him, just attracted to the idea of some male company now and again.

I’m not sure what I’m asking here – is it too soon for me to be dating, is this a slow burner or is this man too eager? I really don’t want to string him along or hurt him in any way.

Thanks for taking the time to read and any opinions much appreciated.

chicken fingers

You wont introduce him to your kid in the distant future?
Not attracted to him?
Do you not think you are being a bit of a headwrecker and a user?
If you're not interested, set him free.

Life is not just tough for you and automatically easy for everybody else, I am sure he has his own problems and difficulties. Give him a break and be honest.

I am a friend

The above post is ott - I Would take it with a pinch of salt.

Be careful of guys who are all fast and furious v quickly, from experience they normally leave as quick.

Smashhits

Hi Op

I know exactly what you're talking about. I split with my ex last year and joined a dating site as well earlier in the year. I only met with one guy that made contact and he's separated as well. I didn't feel confident/comfortable enough to take it any further. I have stayed in contact with him and we meet up just as friends.

I think the main thing you need to do is lay all your cards on the table. Tell him exactly what you are looking for. Go with your gut, don't be swayed to think things might change, it's not fair on you or him.

I also woudn't be introducing any potential partner to my daughter until i was 100% sure of myself and him. This is difficult enough for your daughter without confusing her with a new man.

I totally agree with i am a friend on this.

@rti-shm@rti

chicken fingers wrote: »

Do you not think you are being a bit of a headwrecker and a user?.

Totally unnecessarily harsh.

OP I think that you are very right to be cautious. After 3 weeks I would feel like it was way too soon to know how I felt about him, let alone meeting his whole family and letting him meet mine.

I would talk to him, tell him where you are at and that you need to take it more slowly to figure out what you want from this.

chicken fingers

Shell Shocked wrote: »

Just thinking about it, I don’t think I’m that attracted to him, just attracted to the idea of some male company now and again.

I don't think I am being harsh, nobody seems to have noticed that she is not attracted to him.
She is a user if she has him around for male company but doesn't tell him that shes not attracted to him
They met on a dating site, what is he supposed to think.

Shell Shocked

Thank you for your advice ops, I very much appreciate you taking the time.

Things just got too intense too quickly for me, and not in an intimate way.

Chicken fingers, I do think you have been very harsh. I have not being using him, it’s a dating site and I clearly stated what I was looking for, someone to date, not a long term meaningful relationship. Alright, I don’t feel that attracted to him at the moment, but as I said maybe it’s a slow burner and if something develops – great.

He now knows how I feel and is hoping my feelings may change. Time will tell. As I said, he’s a lovely guy, we get on great and have loads in common. Just very weary at the moment and I think sub-consciously my guard is well and truly up.

nagolina

SS, it's really good that you are being wary and that your guard is up. TBH, if he is wanting to get serious after 3 weeks I'd be running a mile in the opposite direction. That's a huge red flag.

Your instincts are telling you something....keep him at arms length just now until you both know each other a bit better.

As long as you are being open and honest with him about what you want then there's no harm in taking things as slowly as you need to.

Do you really want to get back into something serious so soon? I know everyone is different mind you.

FWIW, I've been separated more than 2.5 years and am still not ready to get back into a serious relationship with anyone. Don't know if I ever will be! I've had flings though and am seeing someone on a very casual basis just now. It's nice to have male company sometimes but great to have my independence as well. My 3 kids have never even got wind of any of the people I have been involved with and that's how I plan to keep it.

Good luck

Liam Byrne

Sorry, but what's a "dd" ?

redfacedbear

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Sorry, but what's a "dd" ?

'Dear Daughter'

OP - I think a bigger red flag with this guy is that he's not respecting your boundaries. You've told him how far you want to go right now (and so soon after such a split I think you'd be mad to want anything more) but he seems to be intent on cajoling you beyond that. Strikes me as a bit disrespectful and lacking in understanding of your position.

ash23

You both want different things. He wants a serious relationship. Some women would love that. You don't want that. Nothing wrong with that but nothing wrong with him wanting more either. Just not compatible with you.

I think that if you know he wants more and you know you don't and that you aren't attracted to him, it wouldn't be fair to string him along just because you fancy some company. Many men out there want the same as you, just dating, no pressure, so I'd suggest finding one who is on a similar wavelength to you and letting the other guy loose to find what he wants.

Shell Shocked

Sorry haven't been on a for a few days.

Thank you ops, I appreciate your advice.

Cards are well and truly on the table and things are going well with the nm. We're enjoying each others company and he is now finally slowing things down. There's now no pressure from either side.

Funnily enough as things have slowed down, I'm actually quite keen on him....so maybe there is a 'spark' after all.