I was a bully

LegacyUser

I am definitely anon for this. I was a bully in school, to one girl specifically, it was the worst possible type, as I did it anonymously like a coward, and she found out, I instantly regretted it and still to this day I dont fully understand it, why it happened or who that person was. I was bullied myself for a couple of years previously by a group of 3 boys and always related to people who were picked on in school, yet I picked on this girl myself for some time, despite knowing myself what its like to be on the receiving end. Before we left school I apologised to her but she didnt accept she just blanked me, in all honesty what did I expect. Recently this has been on my mind, and I feel deep shame about it. This girl has gone on to have a happy sucessful life,I too am happy in my life and I would never behave like that again. I actually have taken a stand against people who bully a few times in my adult life, I think I recognise something of what I hate in myself in such people. I told my husband -to -be about being a bully and he was genuinely shocked I would do something like that,he didnt think I had it in me. I wanted him to know as I sometimes think he thinks I am a better person than I am. I have a darker side I dont quite understand, not violent or anything, just nasty. I have it under control and I am definitely a better person now but its there,lurking. Has anyone else here been a bully? How do you feel about it now? Are you ashamed of it, (since it is shameful) or do you even think of it?

Let me talk to you from the perspective of someone who was bullied. When I think of the people who made my life miserable I hope they're ashamed. I hope they can never look on that period of their lives without feeling sick about what they did.
At the same time, though, I don't wish them any harm. I just never want to see them ever again. I'd like to think they've regrown their consciences, like you have, but I would never speak to them and I could never forgive them.
What I guess I'm trying to say is; you did something wrong. You should feel ashamed. You've probably affected that girl for the rest of her life. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't get on with YOUR life. You've obviously learned from it and used it to become better, be happy with that much and just move on.

RedXIV

The important thing I spotted here is you apologised before you left school. Was it a proper apology or just a "this is awkward, so I'm gonna say this and leave" sort of thing?

I had something like this happen to me recently, I'd been unnecessarily cruel to someone years ago. They were no saint either but I should have known better and acted with more maturity. And then a few months ago i sent a message saying sorry and it was like a weight off my shoulders. The relief was actually profound. I'll never talk to that person again but I still feel better for doing it.

I think everyone has a side of themselves they aren't too proud of but as you said, if you don't control it, it can do some pretty bad things. If you've apologised properly and have your life back on track, I'd say don't worry about it. I'd trust someone who has seen their dark side and controls it over who hasn't yet seen their dark side at all.

Donald Draper

I must admit I did things during school that I am not proud of now and sometimes feel shame. I think everybody is capable of doing mean things at a young age. I regret some of the things and have learned from them now and certainly would never repeat any of that behaviour now as an adult.

I guess you just have to try to move on.

Neyite

Op, You did wrong, but you apologised, and thats the main thing.

I was bullied throughout childhood and a couple of the perpetrators apologised to me when I was in my twenties. It felt great to hear them acknowledge the hurt they caused, and to see their sincerity. It allowed me to move on.

You learned from your experiences and you can use it to teach others - maybe if you have children you can ensure they never do what you did to others, or get involved in any campaigns to raise awareness of the effects of bullying. If you could get in touch with the woman again, it might be no harm to let her know that it's still on your mind and apologise again.
Time to let yourself off the cross.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks to all for the honest, considered (and restrained) responses.I definitely meant the apology when I made it, abosolutely, however it was very awkward, I caught her rushing to get somewhere so I had seconds literally to say something, it wasnt ideal, but I really meant it. I dont know how she really took it though. I would consider contacting her again to apologise. As regards if I had kids, well if one of them had my nature as opposed to their dads, then I would have no choice but to come down hard on them around bullying and I suppose come clean myself. I also genunitely hope karma, if it really exists, doesnt apply to the children of bullies.... to anyone out there who has been bullied, as shallow and as poor consolation as it is, unless the people/person who bullied you is a genuine sociopath then truely they will feel very ashamed and sorry about what they did. Anyhow thanks for responding.

mikemac

Anon for this wrote: »

to anyone out there who has been bullied, as shallow and as poor consolation as it is, unless the people/person who bullied you is a genuine sociopath then truely they will feel very ashamed and sorry about what they did.

Completely disagree
The fookers who gave me a hard time were the cool confident kids with all the friends, good at sports and everything going well for themselves.

While you feel ashamed over your actions OP, you can't speak for everyone and I'd say most don't give a damn about others

And Karma has about as much basis as "the meek shall inherit the earth". Something nice to say but means nothing

Chinafoot

Anon for this wrote: »

to anyone out there who has been bullied, as shallow and as poor consolation as it is, unless the people/person who bullied you is a genuine sociopath then truely they will feel very ashamed and sorry about what they did. Anyhow thanks for responding.

Sorry but as someone who was bullied quite severly in secondary school, that is utter nonsense and who exactly are you to assume that because you personally feel guilty that all bullies are the same?

I'm 28 years old and I still get crap from girls 2 years older than me who made my life torture in school. I still get the dirty looks, the sly comments, and laughing and bitchiness. I still get them trying to intimidate me in the local nightclubs, trying to physically shove me when they walk past. These are women with husbands and children. They don't feel one ounce of shame for how they made me (and countless others) feel because they see nothing wrong with it. If they knew it was wrong why would they be continuing the behaviour at 30 years of age?

Some people are just nasty and believe they have the right to make others feel like crap. I would suggest you don't go offering your pearls of wisdom about how all bullies feel to anyone who has been affected by it.

As for advice on your own situation..I would suggest you leave this girl alone. Apologising to her is an attempt by you to ease your own guilty conscience. For her you could simply be dragging up unpleasant memories that she has tried to put behind her. You have already apologised once so leave it alone now.

You chose to act in the way you did and you should have to live with the consequences.

LegacyUser

I wasn't a bully in school. But I was bullied, a LOT!!

If any of the bullies came up to me now, ten years later, and apologised I'd probably just turn my head and walk away. But that doesn't mean they're not forgiven in my own head. I'm at peace with myself now, but a sadistic part of me would still like to see them squirm all these years later

I think one of the most important things is that you've learnt from your mistakes. You may not feel like it, but you've grown and changed as a person, and for the failings in your past - like being a bully - it's made you a better person today. Because you've realised.

Believe me, ten years later and I guarentee if I went out in my home town now drinking in the same bars as the 'bullies' from high school still do, they'd probably still call me chubby!! Even though I'm not Some people don't change, but you have and it's good that you see that.

You can't change the past, so carry on learning from mistakes however deep or trivial they might be. You can't always say sorry for your mistakes, but make peace with yourself and know inside you're a changed person.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot- Wow your response was unneccessarily harsh, the OP was clearly not intentionally trying to offend any bullying victim- in repsonse to your post IMO I would go to the gardai re the two woman harrassing you.. it is completely unnacceptable.

OP- guilt is normal, I would not contact the girl however leave it be. You have apologised once and learned a valuable lesson.

LegacyUser

It is good that you have learned from your mistakes, it is a brave and mature admission to make. However I would say this, you mention that the girl has gone on to lead a happy and successful life but in truth you don't know this for sure. She may have the outward appearance of happiness, confidence and all that goes with it but this does not mean that the emotional scars are not there. Bullies never know the impact their actions can have on their victims. Bullying removes a persons dignity and self worth, every experience, encounter, every moment of success,failure and insecurity is tainted by the memories of what they have had to endure, even if it occurs at a very early stage of their life. I have encountered (somewhat mild) bullying, a close relative was badly bullied in primary school, and I know it has affected, in different ways, both of us to this day. Although an apology helps it does not undo the damage that was done......unfortuanately.

Learn from your mistake and learn to treat people with the same respect you would expect from them.

LegacyUser

I think Chinafoot is wholly justified in his/her point of view. I ran into some people who bullied me at school and unsurprisingly they were rude to me. If it does not touch them personally these types close their minds and hearts to the suffering of others never troubling to imagine what it's like to be other than who they are. I've since found out little bits about their lives and they have been far from perfect, I don't let their points of view trouble me as I don't imagine that they have any less nightmares than I do. And their unhappy home lives, busy unconcerned parents, divorced, separated whatever does not justify any of it, yet it does point to some of the symptoms. I don't think these people possess the intelligence to feel remorse for their actions. At least you do and are determined not to make the same mistake twice. Let's face it when we're young we are all naive and crass to a certain extent. Learn from it and move on, don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

Chinafoot

op an china foot wrote: »

Chinafoot- Wow your response was unneccessarily harsh, the OP was clearly not intentionally trying to offend any bullying victim- in repsonse to your post IMO I would go to the gardai re the two woman harrassing you.. it is completely unnacceptable.

OP- guilt is normal, I would not contact the girl however leave it be. You have apologised once and learned a valuable lesson.

There was nothing "unneccessarily harsh" in my response. The OP made a rather authoritative statement on the feelings of all those who were bullies in school. She is in absolutely no position to make such declarations and while she may not be trying to offend anyone, she is most certainly talking through her backside.

I have no need to go to the gardai (it's more than two btw, there's a group of about 5 of them) because I don't live in my hometown anymore. When I am home for a visit and see them they carry on like they did back in school. To me these women are the saddest, most pathetic creatures on the planet. They are to be pitied rather than scorned as far as I'm concerned. You'll also note I said they try to intimidate me, they do not succeed.

The OP needs to look beyond her own situation and realise that not everyone is the reformed soul that she is. Unfortunately not everyone learns from their mistakes or feels a modicum of guilt when they treat others poorly. She also needs to get rid of any ideas of contacting this girl to apologise again. She would be doing that for her own benefit which is completely selfish.