Dad just diagnosed

LegacyUser

Hi, My Dad has just been diagnosed with inoperable cancer.
I'm pretty upset but was hoping someone will have some words of advice on a question.
He's a pretty private guy, wont really show emotions and that sort of thing.
Do we row in with whatever way he chooses to play out these last few months or try to get him to open up a bit?
Is it selfish of us to want to share tears, should we be upset in front of him or hide it away?

LegacyUser

This just happened to me too. My Dad was diagnosed with untreatable cancer and he lived for another few weeks in hospice. I can tell you, it is a difficult experience for everyone to go through. Keep your Dad's spirits up the best you can, talk to him a lot, hold his hand, and cry if you have to. We did. My Dad is like your's, very private. It's hard, but the most important thing is to let him know how much you love him and make sure you find out what his wishes are for his last days and for his burial.

Hang in there!

Chick

bigbaz

guest987543 wrote: »

Hi, My Dad has just been diagnosed with inoperable cancer.
I'm pretty upset but was hoping someone will have some words of advice on a question.
He's a pretty private guy, wont really show emotions and that sort of thing.
Do we row in with whatever way he chooses to play out these last few months or try to get him to open up a bit?
Is it selfish of us to want to share tears, should we be upset in front of him or hide it away?

i buried my father yesterday after a year long battle with cancer,he was an emotionally stunted man and had a hard time expressing his feelings as do i,but even though there was still no way for us to properly talk about how we felt,there was a tangible deep connection to each other that didnt need explaining,and at times one look conveyed the depth of love we had for each other.

anigheh

thats really tough, my dad died of cancer 8 years ago and while it gets easier to deal with the grief, it never really goes away.......unfortunately my mum has now been diagnosed with an inoperable cancer we are just trying to do all we can to keep her in good spirits and just be there for her......

Deki

You should be yourself, if you have always been one to shed tears and show your emotions, continue , your father knows you, he would recognize anything you try to mask your feelings. He cares for you , You may find he helps you get through these days by giving you his comfort. Stay close and take your cues from him. My thoughts are with you.

Rubberlegs

Hi there, I was in the same situation as you this time last year. I found my Dad really opened up in the months before he died. He was never actually told that he would die, and we, his family, were almost in denial, holding on to every little bit of hope. But at the very end even though there was no talk of the inevitable, we all knew. We just kept cheerful, held his hand, and let him say what he felt he needed to say. We jollied him along, and gave out to him as we usually would. What I mean is we kept things normal as possible, in the most horrible of circumstances, OP, I'd take it day by day, obviously your Dad's moods will vary. I'd be guided by him. I don't know if your Dad knows he won't get better, but that was the one thing I would not say to my Dad. Rightly, or wrongly, we gave him every bit of hope, otherwise he would have given up the fight sooner, I believe. This is one of the most difficult times you will ever go through, my thoughts are with you.

SATSUMA

My dad died almost six weeks ago. To be honest there is no right or wrong way to do this. You just have to take each moment as it comes really. You dont know how you will feel at any given moment. We never cried around my dad, sometimes i couldn't hold it in and i went away for a cry. But that's personal to me, I didnt want to cry around him. We were able to act normal laughing and joking till the end. But, it really is different for everyone.

Best of luck, sorry for your pain, it hurts.

XXXX

Darkginger

My Dad was diagnosed with inoperable, terminal cancer some 9 years ago, but it's prostate cancer, which can progress slowly - and thankfully, he's still with us, and doing well. When he was first diagnosed no one seemed to know what the prognosis was, and so I found myself in a similar situation to yours.

The way I dealt with it was to be totally upfront with Dad - I asked him how he felt, whether he was scared, whether he wanted to talk about it or not, whether he minded me talking to him about it or not. It was like we threw all the social niceties out of the window, and just went right in there for the answers, rather than beating about the bush. We still talk that way now - and he knows that he can say anything to me, when and if he wants to, but I won't push him to talk about it if he doesn't want to.

My advice is - don't hide your feelings, be open with them - if you feel a need to cry, do it, don't pretend anything - but also don't expect your father to change his 'private' personality - just let him know that you're there to listen if he wants to talk, but understand if he doesn't. Remember, both his and your feelings are perfectly valid, and nothing to be ashamed of or hide.

G-Money

Sorry to hear that OP.

My father has also recently been diagnosed with cancer. It really is a tough time and it's like a bad dream. They are starting treatment on him this week so we're all hoping that nails it on the head but it's hard to know. I'm not exactly sure how bad it is but it's tough seeing him sick and having lost weight and everything.

I think what others have said is right, there's no right or wrong way to handle it, just your way. We're kind of trying to keep things relatively normal but offering to help out more around the house as there's stuff he can't really do now.

It's a terrible time. When my mother told me it was cancer I felt all the blood rush out of me and I had to sit down. I've kind of accepted the news now but it's constantly on my mind.

Our family is kind of private too and we don't really share much between us in terms of feelings and things like that. But that's just the way we are and have always been.

Just do whatever you think is best.

All the best to you and your family OP.

pulled pubes

My dad died at the age of 46 from cancer 8 years ago the worst thing I done was bottle up what I felt, when it came to seeing him for the last time just before they put the lid on the coffin I broke down badly, it took me nearly two years to get over it, I was there when he took his last breath and didn't say I loved him, big regret, my advice to anyone goin through this is to let them know how you feel and how much u love them, maybe it's a bloke thing to keep feelings to themselves, Don't bottle what you feel because it will tear you to pieces when you are seeing them for the last time,
Phil.

Mental Mickey

73Cat wrote: »

Hi there, I was in the same situation as you this time last year. I found my Dad really opened up in the months before he died. He was never actually told that he would die, and we, his family, were almost in denial, holding on to every little bit of hope. But at the very end even though there was no talk of the inevitable, we all knew. We just kept cheerful, held his hand, and let him say what he felt he needed to say. We jollied him along, and gave out to him as we usually would. What I mean is we kept things normal as possible, in the most horrible of circumstances, OP, I'd take it day by day, obviously your Dad's moods will vary. I'd be guided by him. I don't know if your Dad knows he won't get better, but that was the one thing I would not say to my Dad. Rightly, or wrongly, we gave him every bit of hope, otherwise he would have given up the fight sooner, I believe. This is one of the most difficult times you will ever go through, my thoughts are with you.

My mother really opened up over the last 7 years of her life - she was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 months after her grand-daughter was born and this really helped her. We all thought that she would go straight downhill when she was diagnosed(she had a history of depression/schizophrenia), but it was exactly the opposite.

It is 13 weeks since my Mother died, and things are still raw, but we're getting through it. We went up to the graveyard yesterday for the Blessing Of The Graves ceremony, and I found myself shedding a few tears(I kept my head down so no-one would see me). It stopped raining for the duration of the ceremony, and the sun came out too. I'm sure that that was my Mother letting us know she is ok.

Take it day by day.

Mental Mickey

SATSUMA wrote: »

My dad died almost six weeks ago. To be honest there is no right or wrong way to do this. You just have to take each moment as it comes really. You dont know how you will feel at any given moment. We never cried around my dad, sometimes i couldn't hold it in and i went away for a cry. But that's personal to me, I didnt want to cry around him. We were able to act normal laughing and joking till the end. But, it really is different for everyone.
Best of luck, sorry for your pain, it hurts.

XXXX

Was the same around my Mam.........the only time I shed any tears in front of her during her illness, was the last weekend she was home - I knew(and she knew)that she was near the end, and I wanted to have time alone with her. I had stuff in my head that I wanted to say to her, but I just ended up shedding tears.