Ending 15year marraige?

now?

Hi.Im married to my husband for 15 years with 3 young children.If I'm honest it has never been a happy relationship for me.I'm an open person and crave our relationaship to be more reliable.
What I mean is I have never felt good enough, supported,a wonderful person in his life.In fact I felt I was always in his way.Communication is terrible and he can go for weeks ignoring me after a row 'a normal family row', over the slightest thing' I always try to talk it through that day or the next to resolve things and acknowledge how we both felt.But as the years have gone by he gets more unreachable, hes looks at the tv or acts as if I'm not there trying to have a conversation.
It has been a lonely decade or more in my life and the last year has seen a greater distance appear.I also fear that he is seeing someone else from work, but this may be insecurities in his lack of affection.
There is cycle of very good for few weeks (2/3) then any small row could see me cast aside,eventually we slip back to 'honeymoon mode'.perhaps the last year sees a change because I'm not letting that 'honeymoon phase' happen so easily without a conversation about what occured.For so long I was so relieved to get back to normality in the house I allowed things to go without discussion or apology.We can equally be at fault when apologies are needed but I will be ready almost immediatedly to talk and apologise,whereas he will let a row go on for weeks.
I think I'm wakening up and realising I've worried about the impact on him and the kids if we left.I have always thought that overtime our relationship would deepen and most of his behaviours were related to family/work stress.
Feels good to have just written this stuff down.Input from you guys might help me make a decision.Thanks.

tenchi-fan

I think you need to get him more engaged in the marriage.
Try some marriage guidance. Also, some personal counselling could go a long way for you, too.
Getting rid of the tv would be a very positive option as both of you could spend more time together, and with your kids as a family.

now?

I agree about getting him more engaged in the marraige.This I am trying very hard to do.It has been over a week since he spoke to me after a row.I have asked him many times to talk to me,but this is when he blanks what I'm saying and stares at the tv or leaves the room.
At this stage I feel numb.I want him to engage but can't force him.Its a horrible situation for our children as the atmosphere is there.They see that we are not communicating and feel the sadness.I feel completely out of my depth and smoothered in lonliness.I don't want my children to see their mum as someone who accepts being cast aside and ignored.This also contradicts what we teach them about talking when upset and being kind to eachother.We're not exactly modelling that.It seems there is no way for me to make this better.He is controlling the situation.He is not happy and I imagine he choses to stay like this to be with the children.I am under no illusion that this is best for kids or anyone.I may have to go away with kids for few days, for their sakes as much as mine.
People will say 'talk to him' but thats the problem, he wont answer or communicate with me.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Wow, your marraige sounds soul destroying and miserable. To be honest this not talking to you and ignoring you is a form of abuse, mental abuse. I would suggest you get some councelling by yourself because it really sounds as if he is grinding you down. Get some councelling and get strong and then tell him if this continues you'll be divorcing him, that he either goes to councelling with you or you're leaving. Being alone is better than putting up with this. By staying you're teaching you kids that this is how an adult relationship is conducted, would you like to see your sons or daughters copying this behaviour in their future relationships?

Best of luck.

Dan133269

now? wrote: »

Hi.Im married to my husband for 15 years with 3 young children.If I'm honest it has never been a happy relationship for me.I'm an open person and crave our relationaship to be more reliable.

Why in the name of god did you marry him and bring 3 children into an unhappy family?

Ickle Magoo

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner - the OP is here asking for advice, not the Spanish inquisition.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

jimmycrackcorm

I'd hazard a guess that he doesn't have a clue that there is anything wrong at all. I also think the op needs to ask herself if it's not just all one-sided?

LegacyUser

now? wrote: »

Hi.Im married to my husband for 15 years with 3 young children.If I'm honest it has never been a happy relationship for me.I'm an open person and crave our relationaship to be more reliable.
What I mean is I have never felt good enough, supported,a wonderful person in his life.In fact I felt I was always in his way.Communication is terrible and he can go for weeks ignoring me after a row 'a normal family row', over the slightest thing' I always try to talk it through that day or the next to resolve things and acknowledge how we both felt.But as the years have gone by he gets more unreachable, hes looks at the tv or acts as if I'm not there trying to have a conversation.
It has been a lonely decade or more in my life and the last year has seen a greater distance appear.I also fear that he is seeing someone else from work, but this may be insecurities in his lack of affection.
There is cycle of very good for few weeks (2/3) then any small row could see me cast aside,eventually we slip back to 'honeymoon mode'.perhaps the last year sees a change because I'm not letting that 'honeymoon phase' happen so easily without a conversation about what occured.For so long I was so relieved to get back to normality in the house I allowed things to go without discussion or apology.We can equally be at fault when apologies are needed but I will be ready almost immediatedly to talk and apologise,whereas he will let a row go on for weeks.
I think I'm wakening up and realising I've worried about the impact on him and the kids if we left.I have always thought that overtime our relationship would deepen and most of his behaviours were related to family/work stress.
Feels good to have just written this stuff down.Input from you guys might help me make a decision.Thanks.

WOW, OP. You could have almost described my marriage there

I was like your husband, distant. Married a similair length of time. I think when things are bad you tend to look back at the relationship and see everything was bad. You look back and say "was anything ever good" You guys must have been happy at some stage. If your 15years married. I know it all seems bleak now but hopefully you can get back to a good place again.
Its very difficult to give advice and I normally dont, but in this case I can really speak from personal experience. To be honest sometimes men are a bit stupid. We can so easily get into a rut and not look for help getting out. This can affect every aspect of our lives then. Im sure your husband still loves you, he just needs to cop on ! My advise is to go to concelling, Accord are great, I was not one for concelling but it helped us both greatly. Dont leave it any longer. Most people who go to accord leave it too late and it ends up being a mediation service to help in the break up. Do it today, make a call to them and book an appointment.
Then tell your husband you have made an appointment to talk through things, that your not happy with the way things are going at present.
Go to accord EVEN if he is not willing to go with you. Trust me, it will help you. If you decide to stay or leave accord will give help and advice.
You sound like your in a bad place right now, but just know, this will pass. Its not easy but if you start to take some positive steps you will get through it. Be strong, be true, be honest.

now?

Thank you for your replies in a lonely time.It helped greatly especially 'sameasme'.

We have had a talk eventually, all truths were spoken.Counselling being considered at the minute.We were both very angry at eachother.

Sameasme, you were spot on in your analysis ! Thank you.