People commenting on a male friend while socialising

Tricia1

I'm looking for advice on this one.

I'm in my mid-30's and single and i have a wide circle of friends whom i go out socialising with on a regular basis.

There is a male friend of ours (we'll call him Mark) who we're all fond of as he is very witty, hilarious and a really good guy to be around.

Mark was away on holiday last week and the rest of the group including me went out for a midweek drink early in the night.

We were all sitting in the pub and another female friend of ours brought up the subject that she noticed that when we went out other people would be making quite insensitive remarks about Mark's looks- within earshot of the rest of us and him.

This would happen now and again- and some of the rest of the group said that they also noticed this but didn't want to bring it up- obviously not while Mark is in our company.

Now, Mark i suppose would be what you you probably describe as an average enough looking guy- but that doesn't really matter to any of us within the group- as his personality is so infectious.

We then ran into a work-mate of Mark's on the night who said something similar happened last year while he was out with a work group (people making insensitive comments).

My question is this- how do we deal with this if this occurs again as it would make the majority of us as friends pretty uncomfortable while out?..especially when we hear this stuff.

Ignore it?

God knows what's going through the Marks's mind himself.

In a nutshell- i'm a bit worried about him when this happens.

I am a friend

I would address the offenders and ask them why they felt they had the right to talk about someone elses appearance.

Dont make a big deal of it, maybe Mark doesn't notice..

Ickle Magoo

Does he notice that these people are directing comments at him? If he is then I'd probably just shoot a look at the people making the comments and tell him to ignore the idiots - if he hasn't noticed, I'd just shoot a look and ignore the morons.

Tricia1

I am a friend wrote: »

Dont make a big deal of it, maybe Mark doesn't notice..

Oh, he notices..he ignores it but that type of stuff would affect anyone.

We know it's affecting him- probably behind closed doors, which is why we'd be a bit worried about him.

In my opinion the people who feel that they have a need to do this are actually insecure themselves so being cruel towards someone else is an ego-boost for them.

As i say, we've overheard it as a group when say Mark moves away from us in the pub- say getting a drink or going to the toilet.

Overhearing this nonsense- does actually put a major dampener on the night for us as you can imagine.

I am a friend

Is it the same people all the time?

What do they say?

dellas1979

Sorry - can you give an example of what people are saying???

Tricia1

dellas1979 wrote: »

Sorry - can you give an example of what people are saying???

In all honesty i can't really repeat it on here and i don't want to for his sake- or if some of the people who've been doing it, recognise it on-line. I have my reasons.

It's just degrading 'that guy looks like X, Y and Z', 'that guy is A, B and C'.

You get my general drift- it ain't good.

Sooopie

Tricia1 wrote: »

In all honesty i can't really repeat it on here and i don't want to for his sake- or if some of the people who've been doing it, recognise it on-line. I have my reasons.

It's just degrading 'that guy looks like X, Y and Z', 'that guy is A, B and C'.

You get my general drift- it ain't good.

still none the wiser

sharper

Tricia1 wrote: »

Now, Mark i suppose would be what you you probably describe as an average enough looking guy- but that doesn't really matter to any of us within the group- as his personality is so infectious.

This is a confusing line. "average looking" and "but that doesn't matter to us" doesn't really go together unless your group are all far above average and judge on that basis.

Also "but you have such a nice personality!" is unlikely to comfort someone getting publicly ridiculed about their looks, it'll just sound like you agree with the taunts.

What he can he do about it? Well if whatever it is fixable (lose weight, dress better or whatever) then he could do that maybe with some support from you guys.

Unfortunately the only real solution is to care less about what random idiots think of him as soon as they lay their eyes on him and it's tough road because there are plenty like that in this country.

Big Bag of Chips

Who is making the remarks? People within your group or random strangers in other groups?

I find it hard to imagine that it would be a regular occurrence from strangers not involved with your own group.. happens now and again when you are out, has happened when he's out with work etc..? Unless he is grotesque looking, coupled with very very loud and obnoxious and drawing attention to himself.

Or maybe you frequent "beautiful people's places" a là Peter Griffin, and he stands out as being "average"!

I'm very average looking, I don't think I have ever noticed anybody commenting on it while out socialising!

If it's people within your own group, then challenge them on it.