Rocky LTR

LegacyUser

I've been with my bf for twelve years. We've had quite a rocky relationship for a long time. He had some serious problems in the past that caused a lot of issues between the two of us. He has resolved these problems but his behaviour in the past caused me a lot of hurt. None of his hurt was deliberate, he never cheated on me or physically abused me but did hurt me quite badly and is deeply sorry for it. We have been working on rebuilding things but I have found myself still harbouring hurt and mistrust that I am having difficultly getting over.

He loves me dearly and I love him dearly but our relationship isn't great. We tend to bring out negativity in each other and have problems communicating about problems in our relationship which of course means they escalate into even bigger issues. Our poor communication results in both of us getting moody with each other and that causes each of us to close up against each other. We very rarely row but had an enormous argument last week which left both of us devastated. The next day we had a long calm discussion which I thought was a very positive step and we are now talking about where to go from here.

I am really confused as to where we should go from here. I love him to bits and he loves me to bits but our relationship is always hard work. We have t had kids, partly because I've been concentrating on my career, partly because we haven't been in a stable place and partly because of his previous problems. He wants us to give things another shot, I desperately want to have kids and I don't know what to do. Part of me things we've given it our best shot and it hasn't worked and we should cut ties and maybe theres the chance that we could both meet someone who we will have a healthier and happier relationship with but Im also terrified I won't meet anyone else and I'm 34 now and really want to have children. I'm also scared that if we keep going it might just result in a breakup in another two years which will lessen my chances even further of having a family. On the other side I think we've invested so much and we've come along way together and we have managed to resolve some of our problems so maybe we can resolve the rest. I would not have kids with him unless we were in a good place together, I would never bring kids into an unhealthy relationship.

I'm really scared of doing the wrong thing at such a crucial time in my life. Any advice?

Ickle Magoo

Would you consider relationship counselling to see once and for all if the issues can be over-come or are terminal?

I don't know how much hard work or how healthy/unhealthy your relationship is but one thing I do know, having kids will push you both and your relationship to it's absolute limits and whatever cracks you had as a couple are magnified to the max - so I'd be very wary about going down that route until you at least have the communication and conflict resolution down to a fine art.

All the best.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't bring children into this relationship OP.

If you've been having problems for 12 years, I think you can safely say you've given it every chance.

Children make things harder, much, much harder.

LegacyUser

I agree with both of you. I partly think we should break up even though that terrifies me because the problem isn't that we don't love each other but we've been trying for twelve years and at some point you have to say "enough is enough", I'm worried if we go to relationship counseling that it will just drag out the inevitable leaving us both more hurt or maybe helps us to resolve things temporarily and then we end up back at square one. Equally I'm scared I won't meet anyone else and maybe we just need that outside help to get us to a stronger place. My broodiness is taking complete control at the moment, never thought I'd be that woman, and it's stopping me from thinking straight.