Boyfriend bad when drinking

LegacyUser

My boyfriend's a bad drunk. He doesn't even have to be drunk. Once he's had a pint or two he comes overbearing, overly argumentative, dismissive and eventually mean. He also tends to make lewd, crude comments. This happens mostly if we're drinking with other people, but occasionally if we're alone. I tend to take the brunt of his attitude. He can become snide, sneer at me, say he's sick of me, march off in a huff. We've been together a few years, I'm 28, he's 25.

After the latest outburst I'm considering my situation. The problem is when he's not drinking he's affectionate, generous, supportive, helpful, the kind of guy you could ask to do anything for you. He's opinionated at the best of times and rarely if ever admits to being in the wrong. I don't want to throw away a good relationship for something that only affects it once a month or so. At the same time I'm angry and hurt at how I was treated and unless he apologises I don't know if I can forgive him. I enjoy the occasional social drink - by no means getting drunk or staying out all night - I just can't see him even admitting to his behaviour being a problem. And if he doesn't I'm tempted to let the relationship go. Would really appreciate some other perspectives.

Taltos

quizzled wrote: »

I don't want to throw away a good relationship for something that only affects it once a month or so.

I fail to see anything good about your relationship.
You have already told us even when not drinking he is opinionated.

Have you sat him down and spelt it out to him?
Have others told him what he is like?
Have you even gone so far as to make a discrete recording?

Until he accepts he is a prat you stand little chance of him changing - and even then when he does accept he is a prat he might be quite happy being such a fool.

LegacyUser

Hi Op.
Reading that really struck a chord with me. I was very like your boyfriend and still can be. I was in a relationship for a very long time(which has since finished, due to something else rather than the drunk nonsense). I never drank that much on a regular basis, but when I did I always woke up the next morning with (what I thought was)a very clear picture of what happened the night before, but my girlfriend was always annoyed with me, saying I was a bit brash with the people around me, giving then abuse and the like. She said I had insulted them. I always just remembered that we were having a laugh, that It was a bit of banter and that they were laughing with me and giving as good as they got. And In most cases that they had started it.
This went on for quite a while and I thought that she was just being over sensitive. I always got on great with her friends when ever I met them sober and that It must be OK because the always reacted well to me.(it turns out that they were just being nice!)

Eventually my girlfriend began writing down things that I had said to people in our presence, she didn't show it to me until there was quite a volume of lines written there, and who id said them to. It was such a shock to the system, I never had any recollection of any of it. I was so ashamed of myself and beat myself up over how insulting I could be. And thinking of all the others I may have insulted along the way; friends girlfriends, people that were relying on me to make a good impression, work colleges, everyone!

It really made me cop on.

Now when I'm out I stay on the soft drinks until about 3 hours before I'm due to go home. Like, if we're in the pub, and heading onto a club, Ill only drink when I'm into the club, i really do find that I have a much better time, and i can tell by peoples reactions around me that they're enjoying my company rather than just trying to bare it!

So maybe you should give him a chance, I wouldn't go showing him this tread or anything, maybe just write things down(and when you show him make sure that It not in a vindictive way), maybe show that your feeling a bit upset about the whole thing and this it just something you're doing because you wanted to give him a chance. Maybe try to get a mutual friend who's opinion you know he truly values on side. A quick word from the right person can also work wonders!

If hes still in denial at that stage, then you have a problem. And you may have to take drastic action. Its never nice breaking up, but you've got to be brave, and, if its meant to be, you will get back together.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

I fail to see anything good about your relationship.
You have already told us even when not drinking he is opinionated.

He is always opinionated. I saw it as a flaw I could tolerate as his good side - fun to be around, interesting etc - usually outweighs it.

Taltos wrote: »

Have you sat him down and spelt it out to him?

In the past it has descended into a shouting match, forgotten in the morning. I've realised that the behaviour is unacceptable for me. Without an apology and reassurance that it won't happen again, there's nothing to do but let it go. I can't make overtures to someone who has behaved like that.

Taltos wrote: »

Have others told him what he is like?

One of his friend's told me he finds him overbearing. I told OH and he threw it back at me, how dare you say my friend doesn't like me etc. It's something I wonder about. When he goes drinking with his workmates does he act like this? I don't think anyone has told him how unpleasant that behaviour is to be around. I guess he'd spin it like I 'provoke' him, probably by disagreeing. I don't shout and name call and sneer like he does though (when he's been drinking.

QUOTE=Taltos;73933355]
Until he accepts he is a prat you stand little chance of him changing - and even then when he does accept he is a prat he might be quite happy being such a fool.[/QUOTE]

This is true. Knowing his personality I can't see it happening. I doubt he thinks he's any flaws. Any bad behaviour can be pinned on me. I find this intolerable. I can accept my fair share but can't turn a blind eye to ignorant actions.

Thanks.

R.D. aka MR.D

Hi!

I posted a very similar thread to this a few years ago.

Boyfriend v. loving etc but was horrible to me when he drank. In fact he was the greatest boyfriend a girl could ask for when he was sober.

I got loads of great advice to leave him as his abuse was unacceptable.
I ignored that advice.

I wish i had of taken it at the time and saved myself a lot of hassle. Basically he would say terrible things to me and then make me feel like the bad guy for wrecking his buzz. Saying i was over-reacting and the like. he never saw anything wrong with his drinking. That's until i ended up in the back of an ambulance because of his drinking. Even at the time before the doctor said i might have shattered my shin bone he was acting like i was being a drama queen for being angry at him for 'accidentally' pushing me over.

In fairness to him after that event he was very well behaved while drinking and treated me very well. But what i came to realise is that he has a drinking problem and i will never change him.

We're broken up now obviously and i can't believe what i put up with.

Now that we've broken up i also realised that a lot of his friends think he has a problem too and find him intolerable at times because of his drinking. It's just thats he's such a nice guy when he is sober.

I know you probably will ignore this like i ignored all the people who advised me. but i hope it gets through to you a bit.

I hope things work out for you. x

WANTStoWORK

Am I missing somthing here, You say that your BF is very abusive when he has taken a few jars, he insults you and puts you down, sneers at you etc... and you are still with him, I don't understand...if he is abusive towards you why in the name of God are you still living with him???

LegacyUser

Thanks all.

topping: Genuinely well done on changing your ways.

R.D. aka MR.D: Thanks very much for sharing that. My situation is a little different to yours in that we don't drink very much or very often. About once a week we'll have a bottle of wine and he'll be grand. About once a month we'll go for a few times and on on in two occasions he'll get increasingly snappy, which will become sneering and eventually insulting. I guess it's it's rarity that allowed me to forgive and forget. But after five years together I feel like I've reached a breaking point. More seriously for me, I haven't spoken to him for two days. He has made no effort to contact me or apologise. Me might well think he did nothing wrong and it was all my fault, as you describe. And he does tend to think he's always in the right, never really attempts to make amends. Really sorry to hear what you went through.

wantstowork: I don't live with him. I (was) with him because it didn't happen very often and otherwise he's my ideal man.

LegacyUser

I have been that boyfriend quizzled,i was a terrible person when i was drinking and would think of nothing about insulting somebody or my girlfriend.it wasnt until she left me and we sat down a week later and talked that i finally realised how bad i made her feel and how much energy i took out of her.

she had let me know a few times that she was unhappy bout my drinking but i brushed it off and thought that she was just overreacting,well she wasnt when i look back now.

I like your boyfriend was really kind and loving when i wasnt drinking but ruined it all then when i drank.

when my relationship ended i did a lot of drinking over 6 weekends when i finally realised that it has 2 stop,i went and got help and trying 2 be able to stop this unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I have been on a few dates with my ex again but i really do thing that the damage is done and that she will be unable to trust me again but i have only myself to blame for that.

quizzled you say that youd like a reasurrance that he wont do it again.well he cant give you that reassurance and if he promises to never act like that again when drinking he is in my opinion wrong. I myself would know that i cannot promise anything to my ex that i will ever be able to control my drinking even though i would love to give her that promise.

What i would say is give yourself a good break from this guy and see how you feel after a few months.

But one thing that annoys me is that if i cheated on my girlfriend why is it that you can promise never to cheat again and its accepted but cant promise that youd never misbehave again when drinking,just a thought

Good luck quizzled but give yourself a break and the way i see it with my ex if its meant to be itl happen

LegacyUser

wasthatguy wrote: »

I have been that boyfriend quizzled,i was a terrible person when i was drinking and would think of nothing about insulting somebody or my girlfriend.it wasnt until she left me and we sat down a week later and talked that i finally realised how bad i made her feel and how much energy i took out of her.

she had let me know a few times that she was unhappy bout my drinking but i brushed it off and thought that she was just overreacting,well she wasnt when i look back now.

I like your boyfriend was really kind and loving when i wasnt drinking but ruined it all then when i drank.

when my relationship ended i did a lot of drinking over 6 weekends when i finally realised that it has 2 stop,i went and got help and trying 2 be able to stop this unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I have been on a few dates with my ex again but i really do thing that the damage is done and that she will be unable to trust me again but i have only myself to blame for that.

quizzled you say that youd like a reasurrance that he wont do it again.well he cant give you that reassurance and if he promises to never act like that again when drinking he is in my opinion wrong. I myself would know that i cannot promise anything to my ex that i will ever be able to control my drinking even though i would love to give her that promise.

What i would say is give yourself a good break from this guy and see how you feel after a few months.

But one thing that annoys me is that if i cheated on my girlfriend why is it that you can promise never to cheat again and its accepted but cant promise that youd never misbehave again when drinking,just a thought

Good luck quizzled but give yourself a break and the way i see it with my ex if its meant to be itl happen

Thanks for sharing, I respect how you faced up to your issues.

You're right too. No progress will come from sweeping it under the carpet. I won't be contacting him. The space is giving me clarity about how out of order his outbursts are.

R.D. aka MR.D

Hi quizzled!

I just want to let you know that if i didn't make it clear in my original post that this too was only a problem once a month or even less.

And sometimes he would be grand and we would have a great time together. That's what made it even more difficult because it seemed to be once off but really when it happens more than once in a relationship it really isn't a once off.

best of luck x

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Hi quizzled!

I just want to let you know that if i didn't make it clear in my original post that this too was only a problem once a month or even less.

And sometimes he would be grand and we would have a great time together. That's what made it even more difficult because it seemed to be once off but really when it happens more than once in a relationship it really isn't a once off.

best of luck x

Thanks for clarifying and for your good wishes.

This thread has been something of a shock. I expected opinion to be split or at least one person to think it wasn't worth breaking up over. The more time I've had to myself the more I've wondered how you could treat someone you supposedly love like that and think it's ok, worse, blaming it on them. And there's no answer to that.

LegacyUser

quizzled its worth breaking up over because i know that without something being done it will get worse and worse and youll put undue stress on yourself and youl end up feeling like ****.

however if he accepts that he has a problem and makes moves to fix it well thats a start,but i really do know through experience that for your own sake give yourself a break.it will give him room to breathe and see if he wants a relationship and will do the same for yourself.

Look quizzled nobody is perfect but we have to accept that alcohol is a serious problem that needs addressed.The worst thing you can do is stay with him because he will not face up to his issues if you stay,believe me theres nothing as sobering as losing someone you love

Just be thankfull that your not married and that theres no kids involved,but i really hope after a break that he can sort himself out.

BattleCorp

Have you tried to get him to stop drinking? If he stops drinking, you might have a chance.

Guys aren't very good at taking hints (I'm a guy by the way).

You have to spell it out for him. Either he quits drinking or you quit him. Let him know he's a sh*** boyfriend when he is drunk and you are not going to put up with it anymore.

If he loves you, he might give it a shot.

If he doesn't, then maybe it's time to move on.

You can't be on "tender hooks" every time you see him having a few drinks.

Eventually the bad days will outweigh the good days. Life is too short for that sh***.

LegacyUser

BattleCorp wrote: »

Have you tried to get him to stop drinking? If he stops drinking, you might have a chance.

Guys aren't very good at taking hints (I'm a guy by the way).

You have to spell it out for him. Either he quits drinking or you quit him. Let him know he's a sh*** boyfriend when he is drunk and you are not going to put up with it anymore.

If he loves you, he might give it a shot.

If he doesn't, then maybe it's time to move on.

You can't be on "tender hooks" every time you see him having a few drinks.

Eventually the bad days will outweigh the good days. Life is too short for that sh***.

Thanks, BattleCorp. This is the path I chose. I realise it won't be popular here. We've been together for five years and the vast majority of our time together is fantastic. I don't want to give that up for this blot, unpleasant as it has been sometimes.

Thanks to everyone for their advice.

SheFiend

Hi Quizzled!

I echo the sentiments expressed above, and speak from experience of going out with Dr. Hyde who got more and more like Mr. Jeckyll.
He tried not to drink, would stay off it for months no problem, then think he could drink and be OK and of course Mr.Jeckyll would be back.

I honestly hope it works out for ye. But if it doesn't, I hope you will see that and make a change for yourself.

All the best