Serious commitment issues.

LegacyUser

I am a 31 year old male, I have been hurt in relationships in the past and I think now it's affecting me with regards to commitment in relationships. So currently I am sleeping with 4 different women in a f*%k buddy fashion, each of which I like up to a point. When I don't see any of them for a while, I start to miss them and when I meet up with them everything is going great, love is in the air and I feel like I really want to be with them, but then after we have sex, it's like I come to my senses and regret telling them that I want to make it work with them.

Now, please don't judge me for juggling women, but in fairness to me I am not going out with any of them so I am allowed to. My problem is that I really want to settle down and have kids, but I don't think I can give up my space. I feel claustrophobic when someone is constantly contacting me, or I am meeting up with someone regularly despite the fact that I am attracted to all 4 women.

The other problem I have is I constantly want what I cant have, I find myself in night clubs chatting up girls with boyfriends just for the challenge and if I end up sleeping with them, I leave without saying a word to them and just sneaking out. I always feel guilt about it, but then when I am horny I do it again.

I just want to be normal, and when I was younger I was a total believer of love, but really I was hurt by girl after girl I put my trust into, to this point when I am a cynical ass hole.

What can I do to change?

Ickle Magoo

Well, you have to work out which you want more - kids and family life or your space...because it's unlikely you are going to get to have both, certainly not in the same fashion as you do now.

It's all very well giving the "I've been hurt" shpeel but really, who hasn't? The truth of it is you can of course hang back and refuse to get involved with anyone, ensure you have enough women on the go that you don't allow yourself to feel strongly about any one of them but really, you are just refusing to throw your hat in the ring and take the risks you have to for the kind of relationship you claim to want.

If you really want to settle down then stop doing everything in your power to ensure you don't do that; accept everyone gets hurt and has lousy relationships and then draw a line under all that.

Feeling the need to go after girls who are attached and telling girls you are interested in a relationship but really just wanting sex says more about your self-esteem than it does how you feel about relationships. I'm not sure if you view it as proving something to yourself but really all you are doing is re-enforcing the already warped view that women aren't faithful in relationships/aren't to be trusted and giving yourself another out from even trying.

All the best.

StillWaters

comitissues wrote: »

...and when I meet up with them everything is going great, love is in the air and I feel like I really want to be with them, but then after we have sex, it's like I come to my senses and regret telling them that I want to make it work with them.

Now, please don't judge me for juggling women, but in fairness to me I am not going out with any of them so I am allowed to...

No, you are not bloody allowed to, a f*** buddy situation is grand, but not if you are telling them you 'want to make it work with them'. Thats dreadful, as they clearly have different expectations than you.

Lots of people have been hurt in the course of life, but succeed in remaining decent people.

Karen8

StillWaters wrote: »

No, you are not bloody allowed to, a f*** buddy situation is grand, but not if you are telling them you 'want to make it work with them'. Thats dreadful, as they clearly have different expectations than you.
.

I guess it not a lie, he believes in what he says for that moment.
However, I also don't think OP became like that because he has been hurt in the past. I would seek for the reasons in parents' relationship. What did he c in his parents' family? Mature adults or undecided, confused persons?

beks101

OP you sound pretty self-aware, it really is a matter of actually really deciding what you want and taking action on it.

I agree with other posters in that the I've-been-hurt card is a bit old, we've all been there and it's great that you've identified the fact that you're running away from commitment because of it. But really, fcuking four different women and hinting at it being more with each of them is just selfish and irresponsible with others' feelings. Are you trying to intentionally inflict emotional pain like what you've experienced yourself, or is it just a complete lack of consideration?

Maybe you need to actually take a step back and figure out exactly what it is you want. Maybe love, marriage et al is not for you, nothing wrong with that, but if you lie to yourself about it you're setting yourself for a life of misery and you'll probably drag some poor woman down with you. If it is what you want, you need a serious reality check. You don't get to shag all around you whilst developing a serious and meaningful relationship. It's one or the other.

Doirtybirdy

At this stage it looks like this kind of behaviour is ingrained in you it is you.
It won't change unless you want it to.
Writing here might be a sign you want to stop but I'll leave you with one thought,a tough love thought.
Sex addictions only work for as long as you are attractive.
In another few years it will be harder to keep the pot belly away.The grey hairs will need more dye and the younger women won't look at you so much whilst the older ones will have more sense.

So work to the goal of sticking to one woman or you will be left with none

Mighty_Mouse

telling them that I want to make it work with them.

Whatever about your own personal issues this isn't on. You're acting like an emotional vampire, you will drain and damage these women.
It's fine to live a single life with regular sexual partners so longs as its honest.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys

A few things did hit home, I think maybe I am a little insecure but a lot of the insecurity did arise from being rejected by people I loved.

I am over all my heartbreaking relationships now, but no matter what you guys say I know they have cause damage and I don't think telling me everyone has been hurt without actually knowing what hurt me is a fair comment.

Someone mentioned my parents relationship well they are in their late 60's now and are still very much in love. I was raised to believe in the family unit and it is definitely what I want. So advice saying that it's not for everyone does not apply to me.

Maybe I should explain a little about myself. I eat healthy, work out 4 times a week and I don't drink, but I still go out on nights out and get kind of a contact high from the people I am with. I was with this girl for a few years which ended when I was about 25 and when it ended I decided that I was never going to sleep with someone I didn't find attractive. This combined with the no drinking meant that my standards got very high, and I have this need to prove to my friends that I am capable of scoring very good looking girls. For example one of the girls I am sleeping with I am only really interested because it makes my friends jealous, I find her boring and she is certainly not the brightest spark.

I find that I am obsessed with looks, and truth is most good looking girls don't have to work to hard on their personalities so I never really meet someone I am compatible with. I am also to shallow to even consider someone I am not attracted to. Add to that, I disqualify girls for the smallest of reasons, for example I met this girl and I was thought she was really good looking but after a few dates I noticed she had a small freckle on the corner of her mouth and it kind of looked like a bit of dirt and when I noticed it, it was all I could see when I looked at her.

Back to the insecurity, yes I am insecure but not in a typical way. I know I am attractive and I do have a good personality despite how I am coming across in this post, but I do have this whinny jealous side that when I commit to someone I get so scared of losing them that I can never relax around them when I am on a night out. This definitely comes from a previous relationship when the girl I was with cheated on me when I left the club. I also have a weird thing about splitting my love life and friends. I am so nervous of my worlds colliding and I don't know why and part of this is why I find it hard to commit. I do think the whole multiple partners thing is just a confidence boost too.

thanks again for the advice so far, but do you think you could hold off on the judgemental posts, I am trying to solve the problem here, I know what I am doing is wrong and I really am trying to be a better person.

Ickle Magoo

Would you consider counselling because I think being so blinded as to merrily label a whole swathe of the population as not having to work on their personality while admitting to only wanting to get involved with people to impress their mates is something you might need some help working through the issues on?

Without wanting to sound judgemental it sounds from what you have written like you have a real chip on your shoulder - and that really isn't healthy. It is also going to have any girl who isn't boringly superficial/as insecure as you are running for the hills, so you might be your own worse enemy here.

All the best.

Distorted

comitissues wrote: »

and truth is most good looking girls don't have to work to hard on their personalities so I never really meet someone I am compatible with.

What an odd thing to say. Are you really suggesting that all attractive people have poor personalities? A lot of the really good looking people that I know are extremely nice, really well adjusted types with none of the hang ups a lot of people have to cause them problems. And personality is often inherent, not "worked on".

You sound self obsessessed and overly analytical. You are overthinking everything and stuck in a lot of bad habits of thinking negatively. I think the bad behaviour on your part (and it is pretty sleazy) is a manifestation of your poor thought processes. Its a becoming a bit of a cliche on here, but I really think Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would benefit you - why not find a local councillor and go for an introductory session?

LegacyUser

comitissues wrote: »

I find that I am obsessed with looks, and truth is most good looking girls don't have to work to hard on their personalities so I never really meet someone I am compatible with.

Why do you think you deserve a girl with a great personality when you offer very little in return? You sound like you're putting up a front, with everything hidden behind it, yet you want to meet a girl with a dazzling personality who'll keep you interested.

Even if you feel you can't lower your standards re looks, you'll have to lower your standards when it comes to personality unless you can find a way to improve your personality.

CdeC

Hi OP,
You've identified the problem. Step 1 done. you need now to try and change your behaviour. This is no easy task. I might suggest that you stop juggling four girls. It is not fair on them and bad for you. Making you friends jealous at the expense of someone is very immature and might be expected of a 21 year old not a 31 year old.
You have a lot going for you by how you describe yourself and obviously have a way with the ladies but it is time to grow up and Man up. Take control of your destiny. you have been hurt, almost everyone has at some stage but we move on. We learn and make sure that the mistakes we made in the last relationship we do not repeat.
Date and have fun. But keep it to one girl. if she isn't for you then let her know and try and meet someone else.

LegacyUser

Please for one second stop thinking about yourself and think of the women you are involved with. I'm assuming they don't know about each other, or their self esteem is as low as yours. You talk about being emotionally hurt, well that's what your doing to these women as well as possibly putting their health at risk.
If you really want to settle down etc gently let these women know that you are not ready for a relationship, take some time out and consider what you really want, not how you should be trying to impress your friends.
If you have a sister or a close female friend how would you feel if you found out somebody was sleeping with them and 3 other women? & without meaning to sound as if I'm preaching or taking the moral high ground, imagine if they also ended up pregnant or with an STD. What would you think of the guy that did that?

danslevent

Doirtybirdy wrote: »

At this stage it looks like this kind of behaviour is ingrained in you it is you.
It won't change unless you want it to.
Writing here might be a sign you want to stop but I'll leave you with one thought,a tough love thought.
Sex addictions only work for as long as you are attractive.
In another few years it will be harder to keep the pot belly away.The grey hairs will need more dye and the younger women won't look at you so much whilst the older ones will have more sense.

So work to the goal of sticking to one woman or you will be left with none

Brilliant line!

notmyself

You are not happy right now. You are not content or fulfilled.
Stop this self destructive behavior. Actually stop seeing all these girls right now.
You are'nt in to any of them enough right now. I would encourage you to get to know yourself again. Be happy with who you are and what you stand for. Sleeping around gets
tiresome and boring after a while. Lets be honest.

Take some time out for yourself. Your 31 ....you dont really need to be proving anything to your friends in night clubs. Move on from that behavior. You are hurting yourself first and foremost.

Trust me. If you can take time for yourself and learn about what you want in the future. You will meet someone perfect. Give it a chance, take it slowly.

Just live your life and enjoy it. Put your 20s behind you....and start to grow up , mature and be more comfortable in your own skin. Only then will you have a chance of meeting and attracting someone right.

Live your life and be positive. Long term 4 girls on the go is meaningless.
Put it behind you.

LegacyUser

I think I could be one of your 4 girls!! Dating somebody who sounds just like you, or will be until we have a "chat" tonight. Reading your post, I kinda get him a bit more, but don't want to be "one of those girls".

Obviously I don't know for sure that he's dating 4 girls, but all the signs are there and he acts just as you described.

And also I get you, because while dating this guy I was also sleeping with someone else, so I do know what it's like to be mad about one person one minute and then meet up with the other person and be mad about them, it's not easy.

But it absolutely did my head in, and now it's doing my absolute head in knowing he's most likely doing the same, but on a larger scale. Have you thought of how these girls feel? Do they think they're only dating you? Is there any of them you can see yourself settling down with? Are you unable to turn them down or why haven't you finished it with any of the others?

I have been trying to get into this guy's head for ages, so I think you are giving me some insight. He's the same age, uses the same "hurt in the past" excuse and is also completely obsessed with looks and imperfections, so I suppose I'm selfishly trying to understand what motivates you to be so self obsessed about your own needs and not wonder about others?! DO you think about them much when you're not with them? Do you have a ranking order?

As I said, I do get it to an extent, as I've been there, but not on your scale.

As for advice, I personally think you need to take a break from all 4 women. Try go a month wihtout being with anyone, without going out looking for women, concentrate on something else, a goal with your fitness maybe, just get away from women. Then after a month, you may have some more perspective. You may realise that you are still thinking of one of the women, and maybe she's the one (although if she's any sense, she'll have moved on by then).

Also, suggestions of counselling sound good, but try figure it out yourself first. You do seem to be pretty self aware, so should be able to!

LegacyUser

The problem is that if I pick one of the four, I just feel like I settled. I feel like I am looking for the perfect woman, brilliant looking, intelligent and cool but with my high standards they are few and far between. I am always looking for perfection and the minute I see a crack, I lose my attraction to them. I know I sound shallow and conceded but you have to help me I don't want to be like this.

Just to show you that I am not totally shallow, if I am seeing someone and they are very attractive but I don't like their personality I will feel the same way, loss of attraction. I was with a stunning Brazilian girl before and I got rid of her after 2 dates before sleeping with her because I found her incredibly boring. Oh plus I know this is bad but to end it with someone, I generally just stop ringing them and hope they get the message.

gmac102

comitissues wrote: »

The problem is that if I pick one of the four, I just feel like I settled. I feel like I am looking for the perfect woman, brilliant looking, intelligent and cool but with my high standards they are few and far between. I am always looking for perfection and the minute I see a crack, I lose my attraction to them. I know I sound shallow and conceded but you have to help me I don't want to be like this.

Just to show you that I am not totally shallow, if I am seeing someone and they are very attractive but I don't like their personality I will feel the same way, loss of attraction. I was with a stunning Brazilian girl before and I got rid of her after 2 dates before sleeping with her because I found her incredibly boring. Oh plus I know this is bad but to end it with someone, I generally just stop ringing them and hope they get the message.

this cycle of yours wont end until you get help in the form of therapy, it will just keep happening over and over. The problem is not these women, its the common dominator!

You dont even ring them and hope they get the message, whatever happened to common courtesy, your in your 30's!

gmac102

sunflower27 wrote: »

It's called being a coward.

yeah i got that, hopefully he sees it for himself.
I feel sorry for him must be awful stuck in a self destructive cycle and want to get out!

solovely

Sounds like you totally need to work on your self esteem. You are making yourself feel good by being with lots of women and exerting some kind of power over them, even though they probably don't realise.

you know yourself that in the long-term this is not working, it's not making you feel better about yourself and you're going to end up lonely and alone. You do seem to know this. Yet, you don't seem to have intention to do anything about it.

You know the issue, so why not start trying to rectify the problem? People have suggested lots of things here.

you've a few options
- continue as you are, which you've said is self destructive
- give one of the girls a go, ditch the others and try your hand, really hard, at monogramy, even a test run, and analyse your behaviour
- stop seeing all 4 girls and take a self-imposed 3 month ban on dating and sex and see how you feel after that
- get counselling (probably in conjunction with one of the others)

Have you thought about yourself in 10 years time? Where do you see yourself? Maybe focus on this and work positively towards acheiving it, rather than just thinking you can't do it. You don't have to accept the way you are, you can change!

Little Miss Lady

Op, Did you just start the thread to brag about what women you get and why you can disregard them over such fickle things?

The only way forward for you to get that family unit you wish for is some proper counselling.

Get yourself a good counsellor to discuss and work through your issues.
Try and stay clear of women in order to give you some space to think and them some chance of not feeling used.

Best of luck.

RhubarbCrumble

comitissues wrote: »

What can I do to change?

You could try growing up for starters! You're 31 FGS not a teenager. You're messing 4 girls around just because you want your ego stroked.We've all been hurt in relationships but that doesn't give us the right to go around treating other people badly. Do those girls a favour and end it with all of them.

I am a friend

You 'got rid' of the Brazilian girl? Interesting turn of phrase.

Do you think women deserve to be treated like crap?

LegacyUser

Now I could be totally wrong, but here's my 2 cents...
I think you hate yourself.
I think that you believe you are an as* hole so you are acting like one.
You are probably trying to prove to yourself over and over again that the world is full of as* holes, shallow people who care nothing for the worth of others by being one of those people yourself.
Youre probably scared of that being true.
Its like this sick thing where youre so afraid of it, that youre becoming the embodiment of what that fear represents as a way of trying to beat it- submerging yourself in it to the point of de-sensitisation?
"thats the way it is, im going to be one of those people just to prove that to myself, to make it less hurtful"

You hate what youre doing, and youre probably doing it to hurt yourself.
Its like physical self-harming, only its mental and emotional instead.
You probably pick out tiny flaws in people for a reason to stop liking them because thats what you feel about yourself, that someone might discard you over something trivial. Its all just projection of your own fears... Subconsciously.
Do you understand what Im trying to say at all?

You know youre acting badly, and I completely believe that you dont want to be that way anymore, but youre doing it on purpose, albeit subconsciously as I said already, for reasons that are all about you and how much you hate yourself (dislike's probably a better word...)
and are afraid of those things yourself. The more you act this way, the more you think youre an as* hole, and the more it squashes your fear of being on the receiving end of an as* hole yourself.

Are you trying to *prove* to yourself that all relationships are shallow, cruel and uncaring by being that type yourself?
Because deep down youre scared that they are, but by *being* it, youre somehow beating it, because youre placing yourself firmly on the giving side rather then the receiving?

This is all I can come up with from your posts.

Youre obviously a genuinely smart, capable and reflective guy thats acting how he really doesnt want to deep down.
I believe that you are a better person than youre behaving like.

As for making your friends jealous, again I think its the same thing.
Being on the side thats winning, in an extreme manner, so that youre not on the side that might be looked down on or feel made a fool of.
Its probably about that fear of looking small, so youre firmly placing yourself in a position of never looking that way to your friends again (if thats how you felt when you were betrayed by your GF)

I hope this helps somewhat, and I hope you stop torturing yourself and find the real you sooner rather then later.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I have to agree with the person who said the problem is that you are stuck in a very confused mindset. I also agree with them that cognitive therapy is a fantastic way of solving it. You can look it up in the internet yourself and find some coping mechanisms / everyday tricks that might help you to behave in a way that allows you to achieve what you want.

Now, the other problem, from what I see, is that you don’t know yourself what you want, you don’t know what will make you happy. And maybe that is why you are finding hard to get it.

For starters, you are stuck between this split view of the world:

1. You want to be in a relationship with someone who has a great personality, who can be trusted, someone with whom you can build a future together.

2. You want to have fun, and explore and challenge your potential to conquer hot girls, you want to put your insecurities behind and you are getting a “high” from scoring so well in the social arena.

These are two perfectly valid approaches, with their advantages and disadvantages. But they exclude each other. It's ok to choose either one. What is not ok is to pick one but yearn for the other - that will only make you unhappy.

It would be the same as living in a big city and complaining everyday that you miss the quiet and green countryside, or to live in the country and complain that nightlife sucks and you miss the clubs and shops and vibrant city life.

So first of all, you have to decide which “approach” of the two you want at this stage of your life. And once you do, stop looking back. Either one is fine. But choose one and enjoy the good things of it, and stop thinking of the other one!

You can even make a deal with yourself, say “ok, I’m 31, I’m young right now, so for the next 4 years I’m going to have fun, sleep with as many hot girls I can and that’s it. Then, once I’m 35 (or whatever age you want), I will explore the other side of relationships, the stable/loving aspect.”

Now, the other thing that seems to make you unhappy is the “greed”. It happens to everybody: when we are moved by the kick of achieving something, when following the carrot at the end of the stick is what fascinates us, and not the goal in itself, we are bound to have strong highs and strong lows. If you enjoy a fantastic trip in cocaine, you have to acknowledge there will be a “coming down” horrible phase. And it will be the same with your search of perfection: the highs and lows are part of it. To have the high, you have to have the low.

You are getting a high from the hunt for perfection, and by definition, you will never achieve it: after a while seeing someone, doesn’t matter how perfect they seem, imperfections surface, and that sends you back to the hunt. Accept this is the nature of the beast, enjoy the highs and suffer proudly the lows.

Again, whatever approach you want to take is ok. As long as you are aware of the joys and the pains of each approach and deal with them.

Hope it makes sense, best of luck!

PS. It’s my personal view, but I disagree with comments that you are a coward, etc, etc. I think anyone can recognise a “player” in the date scene, and there are lots of girls out there who are “players” too. If a girl is meeting people in clubs, going for one-night stands and joining f*-buddy relationships, she knows what she’s getting herself into (or should know).

I also think it’s perfectly fine to stop calling someone after 2 dates and I agree they should get the msg. If I was going out with a guy 2 times, and he called me to say, formally, that he was not interested, I would find it very offensive and pretentious!! This is the period when we are still testing waters, and I can’t imagine we own any formal explanations to the other person! If fact, I don’t think I would like to hear, “er, you are grand, but really, you won’t do for me, so I’ll just disappear from your life and find someone better, alright?”

Unless, of course, you make romantic promises, indicate commitment or emotional attachment during these 2 first dates. Then it’s a completely different story.

Zen65

comitissues wrote: »

The problem is that if I pick one of the four, I just feel like I settled.

Selecting a partner for life, or just for a relationship, is settling. Settling is simply the opposite of running around from one meaningless physical encounter to another. You really need to decide what you want, because any advice you get offered here really only has relevance if you decide you want to change your way of living.

The suggestion that you want to keep hunting until you find the perfect woman is frankly the voice of your 16-year-old self still talking to you. In this world there are thousands of women who could be your "ideal", but you have spent the last 15 years trying to satisfy that desire, when the reality is that in order to have a relationship with your concept of an "ideal" woman you need to develop yourself into a suitable partner.

Playing the field with 4 FWB's is positioning yourself firmly in the "unreliable boy" category of man, and no "ideal woman" would be interested in a relationship with you.

My advice then, is not about how to select the ideal woman, it's simply that you need to sit in a dark room for a few hours and really decide what you want from life: to impress your friends with the women you have pulled, or to enrich your own life with the joy of a meaningful relationship which challenges yourself to be a better person?

Every man and woman on the planet in a successful long-term relationship or marriage has moments when they wish their partner was younger/ older/ fitter/ more beautiful/ more fun/ richer, etc., but at the end of the day they know that it's the satisfaction of making the relationship work for both of them which gives the ultimate high. If this is what you want Op, then you know exactly how to make the first move to take you there. It's a journey you need to make alone, and without the ego-boosting distraction of four FWB's.

Be at peace,

Z

killeoinisback

comitissues wrote: »

Back to the insecurity, yes I am insecure but not in a typical way. I know I am attractive and I do have a good personality despite how I am coming across in this post, but I do have this whinny jealous side that when I commit to someone I get so scared of losing them that I can never relax around them when I am on a night out.

Hi OP,

I think this is your problem and you realise it yourself. You are actually not capable of entering into a relationship at present. What benefit or enjoyment are you going to get from a relationship if you spend all your time being jealous?

We've all done the single thing but the sad fact of life is that it comes to an end eventually. But I suppose the worrying thing for you is that it never will unless you get some help to address these issues.

beks101

Hi OP,

Having read a few more of your responses, I sort of feel like I have a better sense of you.

This thread is compelling to me, as up until recently I've met and fallen for countless men like you. They'd usually be classic bad-boy, player types (really hot...hard to resist...:rolleyes:) and I'd fall into a fb situation with them, thinking I knew what I was jumping into and could handle it...and invariably would end up falling for them.

It was a really negative pattern for me and at the risk of sounding a bit Dr Phil-ish, it took a lot of soul searching for me to realize that I was attracted to them because they were emotionally unavailable...something that I was also and something that I came to expect in my relationships.

I'm telling you this because you sound like one of these men. Basing everything on looks, sexual attractiveness, several girls on the go at once, short attention span with women, emotionally fickle and changeable, ultimately because you're simply not open to anything beyond a physical relationship and you're not up to the risk of falling for someone. You're telling yourself that you're 'holding out for your ideal woman' and superficial things like a freckle are putting you off, because although consciously you want something real, your subconscious is just getting in your way every time.

I do feel for you, as obviously like I was, you're also in a negative pattern with the opposite sex and if it's something you really want to change, it's going to take a hell of a lot of inner work and it's not going to just be a matter of picking a girl out of the four and declaring it a relationship. Without getting to the root of it, your pattern would just continue and you'd end up breaking hearts in the process.

Another poster said they thought you hate yourself. I think 'hate' is a strong word, but I do think your self-worth and self-confidence is a lot lower than the bravado you seem to keep up pretends. Like you don't believe you're capable of a healthy relationship, or you don't think you deserve one or something. Like the no-one-measures-up thing is a self-defence against getting hurt again.

You sound like a smart guy caught up in a bit of self-destructive pattern. The most common advice around here seems to be to seek counselling, but I'm not sure that's necessary here. I think taking a pragmatic approach might work better for you. Be honest with yourself, ask yourself - what is it you really want? Then analyse your behaviour and figure out what needs to change in order to get that. If you want a meaningful relationship, four fcuk buddies aint gonna get you there. If you want a meaningful relationship, dismissing women based on superficialities aint gonna get you there. And if you want a meaningful relationship, a woman's personality, intelligence, ability to make you laugh, kindness, generosity and a woman's feelings is going to be of much greater importance than how hot she is to your friends.

Also, please spare a thought for the emotions of the women you are screwing here. As a woman who was once in their position, I can tell you that the chances that at least one of the four is already emotionally involved and stands to get hurt...is substantially high. In fact I'd say it's almost a certainty.

Best of luck. I really hope you figure out what you want.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

In some ways I'm a female version of you. I'm older now, and probably wouldn't have recognised myself in your descriptions a few years ago, but I'm now more self-aware (sadly).

Like you I spent lots of years flitting from relationship to relationship, though not just having sex - falling in love, stringing men along, being unable to choose, wrecking heads... ultimately wrecking no-one's head except my own.

It took the mess and emotional devastation of a failed marriage (with tons of extra-marital complications - all mine of course!) for me to hit rock bottom and really look within.

Yes, I was hurt before too... so was the cat's mother, so let's look a bit deeper...

What I found was that I've always been a very fragile person. I didn't have much faith in my own judgement, that's why I needed they eyes of the world to judge my partner for me. My partner(s) wasn't good enough unless other people thought they were. I was always looking for that fault, that thing that would signal to me that the person I was with wasn't up to scratch. I wasn't strong enough in my self to value my own men.
That makes it hard to commit, especially if you're attractive and a brazen flirt and don't have too much trouble getting attention elsewhere.
I was also terrified of making a mistake, choosing the wrong person (choice is torture) and messing up my life... which is exactly what I did - not by choosing the wrong person - but by failing to fully commit to ANY person - even myself.
Unless me meet complete nutters, our relationships are often what we make of them. I'm at an age now where I'm seeing how my friends lives are playing out. I've seen friends hook up with people who don't look all that exciting or attractive - yet they build great lives together, through the simple acts of commitment and looking for the positive in their partner. And as you get older, you realise that the life you build and live is more important than the raw materials you start with. It really is about what people DO with their time on this earth. Flitting around isn't doing anything at all - it's just being a passive recipient of what other think about you - and their thoughts on you can change!

Another thing to realise is that despite the freewheeling, independent, non-committal persona, I (and maybe you) wasn't living with any real level of independence - attention from the other half was like a drug and I could barely exist without it. Although I looked to be the one in control, the one pulling the strings, once my appreciative audience of lovers walked, I was the one left devastated... utterly devastated... because unlike most of them, I didn't have the internal resources to handle rejection or cope alone - that's why I got into the situation(s) in the first place. Beware an ego based on sex or attention. It's far too easy and fragile.

For me, it was impossible to walk away from that lifestyle. It was a drug! That lifestyle had to dump me! i.e. I had to go through rock bottom with my marriage/lover/home and ego all ripped apart. Another side effect of being a fragile case is that just as I couldn't value what I had - I couldn't stop obsessing about what I couldn't have/lost. It's like deep down, if someone wanted me I would believe that they mustn't be much good themselves. If they didn't want me (read: eventually got exhausted by my games and dismissal) then I would instinctively believe that they must somehow be better than me and I would torture myself over the loss. (Still do).

It's too easy to say be careful you don't end up like me... you're a guy, there is a different dynamic. You have more time to fool around. But what I would say is that identifying your issues and inner fragility is not enough. These things should be addressed with a counsellor. I'm in counselling now. I would have been having too much fun at 31 to seriously consider counselling, even though I had some awareness of my insecurities. But trust me, the issues tend to outlast the fun. You have to live with you.
This might sound twee, but try investing in other areas of your life that don't involve women. Get seriously involved in your hobbies. Take up something new maybe. You're under no pressure to settle down, so don't feel like you have to choose a relationship. Feck around all you like... But also try to build yourself up in ways that aren't attention-seeking. Because neither happiness nor ego can depend on other people, whether their real lovers or just people who fill the void temporarily.

LegacyUser

Hi there, though I would clear up a few things.

Firstly, I don't hate myself, far from it. I would go as far as saying I love myself. I do have a great life and I am a very happy person. There have been bad things that have happened to me but I was never upset for too long about them. The problem is that they have shifted me slightly.

I was reading some of the reply and some of them did hit home a little. APossibility_guest was correct in a lot of what they said about wanting to prove myself, but not about the hating part, it's more like I want to show everyone how great I perceive myself to be. I know deep down I am a sensitive caring person, but in the mean time I seem to be addicted to playing the game, and I think the reason I love playing the game so much is because it give me an ego boost. Sometimes in a night club I play catch and release. I will flirt with someone until I know I have won and then cut them off.

The strangest thing is I don't even enjoy the sex part that much, I spend the entire time trying to make sure the girl is enjoying herself and I focus on her much more than on myself. It's like being good at sex and being recognised for it is another ego boost.

I think this could be the issue, I think I need to boost for the high, not just to feel better about myself, like an addiction.

Another issue is that the girls I really do like I play an endless game with them, like there is this girl who I met about a year ago, and all I do is flirt with her, on three separate occasions she has tried to kiss me but I put back because I don't want to stop playing the game with her.

I do appreciate all the replies, but truly I don't hate and I really don't think I need counselling but the different prospectuses are interesting to read.

solovely

comitissues wrote: »

Hi there, though I would clear up a few things.

Firstly, I don't hate myself, far from it. I would go as far as saying I love myself. I do have a great life and I am a very happy person. There have been bad things that have happened to me but I was never upset for too long about them. The problem is that they have shifted me slightly.

I was reading some of the reply and some of them did hit home a little. APossibility_guest was correct in a lot of what they said about wanting to prove myself, but not about the hating part, it's more like I want to show everyone how great I perceive myself to be. I know deep down I am a sensitive caring person, but in the mean time I seem to be addicted to playing the game, and I think the reason I love playing the game so much is because it give me an ego boost. Sometimes in a night club I play catch and release. I will flirt with someone until I know I have won and then cut them off.

The strangest thing is I don't even enjoy the sex part that much, I spend the entire time trying to make sure the girl is enjoying herself and I focus on her much more than on myself. It's like being good at sex and being recognised for it is another ego boost.

I think this could be the issue, I think I need to boost for the high, not just to feel better about myself, like an addiction.

Another issue is that the girls I really do like I play an endless game with them, like there is this girl who I met about a year ago, and all I do is flirt with her, on three separate occasions she has tried to kiss me but I put back because I don't want to stop playing the game with her.

I do appreciate all the replies, but truly I don't hate and I really don't think I need counselling but the different prospectuses are interesting to read.

So, are you actually looking to change here, or just looking for a pat on the back, for how successful you are at playing the game, and stringing people along?

You're just giving examples here of what a bast**d you are to women, while at the same time bragging about how cool this makes you (not sure if that's in your eyes or the perceived eyes of your mates).

You seem to lack a total empathy for the girls you are messing around, you don't even once acknowledge how any of this may affect them, or if you even care.

OK, so you don't hate yourself and you don't believe counselling will help you. Do you actually want to change? What did you come on here looking for? Are you looking for advice on how to change? If so, do you really want to change, and in what way? It's hard for people to help you don't really spell out what you're looking for. Some people, such as posters above, have come on and really poured their hearts out, and given really positive suggestions, which don't seem to have gotten through to you?!

gmac102

Dude, the behavior you display is the reason I relish my choice to be single.


You have to grow up sometime. Your 30's might be a good place to start.

LegacyUser

You sounds like the very type of guy I would never fall for funnily enough.
I am always so glad that I'm not one of those girls out there that fall for guys like this-
that want what they perceive they cant have, or want someone that plays hard to get or plays games.
The "player" types.
What is it that causes the attraction I will never know.
But reading your thread just reinforces that relief, that "thank god I am not into this type of guy". Your behaviour is the very behaviour that actually turns me off.
And thank god for that. I would not like to be one of your admirers...
And I feel that one day you will come crashing down.
Perhaps you will properly fall for a girl like yourself, and because you understand how fickle she can be, you will suffer the pain that way- through worry that what you have done will be done to you and actually hurt.
You'll end up with no trust, because you are proving to *yourself* that people cannot be trusted to be authentic. And that hits home harder then anything else.
Everything we do in life, we are inviting onto ourselves- remember that.
Youre digging your own grave sadly

kjl

The OP is aware of his problem, it's interesting that this thread seems to be full of women insulting him, telling him he will end up alone and resentful bla bla bla.

This forum is mean to be about helping people and from the sounds of it the majority of responses here have been quite judgemental of the OP, blaming him for their failed love lives.

OP, I would say what you need to do it realise that the game is just that, a game. Don't think you are impressing your friends because eventually they will get pissed off with you rubbing it in their faces how good you are. It's ok to drop the guard and be yourself with someone, you might find you rekindle the loving feelings you say you had before you were hurt.

You should be content with who you are, but change this behaviour, you are already starting to see the negative side of it, make a change now.

GL

Ickle Magoo

As per the forum charter, advice should be directed toward the OP and throwing petty insults and flaming other posters is not permitted.

If you have an issue with any other poster or their post then use the report function - do not back-seat mod.

If you haven't done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks