Social Anxiety / Avoidant Personality Disorder and my issues

LegacyUser

I’m a 28 year old guy and I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I only self-diagnosed myself with this about a year and a half ago, I always knew I had issues, but didn’t recognise there was a disorder that grouped together the symptoms I had until then. Originally I identified myself with having social anxiety disorder, but I have revised my diagnosis to AVPD recently, as avoiding stuff is my main issue. In any case, there is a major overlap between the two and a lot of the signs and symptoms are the same.

The cause of my AVPD is no mystery to me. I had a very difficult upbringing due to the treatment and bullying I received at the hands of my father. As a young child I remember being told to shut up or be quiet every time I opened my mouth. As I grew older I was reminded everyday of what a lousy person I was. Every time I made a mistake, a tirade of verbal abuse came my way, every time I had some misfortune I was sneered and laughed at. I was generally not allowed participate in any hobbies, join any sports teams or do any of the things that I wanted to do or so many people take for granted growing up. Every aspect of my life was controlled until I finished college and became financially independent. I generally got on with my mother well, deep down she is a lovely person but the fact that she was too weak to protect me growing up has strained our relationship at times.

At primary school I was a quiet and shy child. I probably was the quietest person in the class and although I mostly got on with the other kids, I had trouble making friends. In my later years at primary school I was bullied a bit, probably because I was an easy target because of my quietness. I also had a period where I was bullied by one of the teachers. He would make fun of me when I read out loud in class and made a show of me every time I made a mistake at anything, this despite the fact that I was one of the smartest in my class, I was the only one singled out. Coupled with the problems at home, I think the bullying at the hands of the teacher had a fairly big impact on me. When I went to secondary school, things picked up initially for me. Although still reasonably quiet, I had a large group that I hung around with. I think my avoidant problems started in my third year at school when I drifted away from these friends when some of them started bullying and picking on me and I completely stopped trusting people and distanced myself from them. The bullying was never that serious, just a lot of piss-taking that I didn’t find funny and I ended up taking it really badly. By the time I finished school I didn’t really have any friends that I saw outside school or that I kept in touch with after my school days. It wasn’t until my third year of college that I was able to make some friends, the first two years I spent all my time alone.

I suppose that’s a summary of my past and in general I have dealt with it. The problem is where that past has left me when I come to explain my present troubles. As unbelievable as it sounds I have really only been on a night out a couple of times in my entire life as I completely avoid social occasions and interactions. The only social occasions that I normally go to are weddings of extended family members and family occasions. I never went to youth discos at school, didn’t go to my Debs and the only time I went out when I was at college was the night of our last exam in my final year. Social occasions petrify me as anxiety overwhelms me and I feel extremely self conscious and awkward. This is a massive secret that I carry around with me the whole time. I don’t think you would know of the depth of my issues if you met me as I can hold myself together in most day to day situations. If at all possible I generally just avoid situations that make me anxious and over the years it has developed into me avoiding almost everything. I'm interested in so many things in life, but limit the range of my activities to working, going home, or solitary activities, ultimately because of my fear of being humiliated.

I function pretty well at work, have a good job and am well paid. I work in a small company but I have a fair amount of contact with customers and new people. I get on well with my co-workers and on the whole my anxiety doesn’t affect my work performance. My career has always been something that I have clung on to, as it is really the only thing I have going on that I am really confident at. I work in a technical field which requires a bit of flair and original thinking, which I am really good at. There are occasions at work when I can get anxious and probably the most difficult part of my job is meeting customers and having to make conversation with them socially, as I really struggle when making small talk with people I don’t know that well. The first few years at work I was a complete workaholic. I used to bring work home with me and could spend half the weekend working on research, even though I wasn’t getting paid for it. Looking back at that time I realise that I was using work as a means to keep my mind occupied, so that essentially I didn’t have to deal with my problems. It’s only in the last year that I have stopped and left work at the office.

Over the last year I have tried to sort myself out, but I have made limited progress. I have read a number of books on cbt, social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder and can now identify that a lot of my thought processes are irrational, but knowing this and turning them around to positive effect is another thing. My self confidence has improved slightly also, in particular with regard to my looks. For most of my life I had a huge downer on how I looked, as I had the piss taken out of me in the past due to one aspect of my physical appearance. Doing simple things such as investing in a new wardrobe has helped a good bit, although I still get a bit self conscious about my appearance now and again. I've worked on a lot of aspects of my life driven by the need to understand what is wrong with me and to try and fix my problems. Ultimately what I am trying to aim for is to be able to develop friendships with people and attend social events without the feelings of terror that I have now.

I'm only capable of developing friendships in very particular circumstances such as through school, college and work. At the minute I don’t have any friends, I exchange texts with a guy I went to college with now and again but that’s it. Although I have had friendships in the past, I do not maintain those friendships once I have moved on from school, jobs etc. In any case I have never had friendships where I would meet up with people outside these environments. I do get on with people, but feel that there are very few people that I really get on well with, on a deeper level. In the past anytime someone has tried to get closer to me and wanted to spend more time with me I have tended to back off from them. Although I had people I hung around with at school, college and in jobs using the word ‘friend’ when referencing these people is very difficult for me. To use that word I would have to believe that these people actually like me, which I have never been able to believe with anyone. In essence, this is at the core of my problems. Most of the time I think people dislike me or even hate me and I feel this all the time, even while I am having a conversation with someone. Pretty much any time I have a conversation with anyone in a social setting I feel it is a massive inconvenience in their day to have to talk to me. I always feel they would rather be talking to someone else and I am insignificant or a waste of their time. Most of the time I'm treated with indifference and I don’t know if it is just in my head or reality, essentially I have no clue what people think of me. Most of the time I can't connect with people any further than the acquaintance level because of this and I am never proactive in developing friendships because I fear I am forcing myself on people when they really don’t want me around or dislike me. I don’t know why I think people hate me as I am honest, kind and generally a pleasant person. I have a lot of interests such as sport, films, music etc and can hold a conversation. Generally I don't mind one on one conversations but sometimes I go a bit quiet in group discussions. I have people at work that I get on well with and we have a laugh at work but that’s it, they all have girlfriends, wives and plenty of friends and none of these friendships have developed beyond the workplace either. Since I'm not in the particular circumstances that permit me to develop friendships and meet new people and do not foresee being in these circumstances unless I am able to force the issue, the result is having no friends.

The most difficult part of my situation to deal with is never having had a girlfriend. My experience with women is zero, not even a kiss. I have never asked a girl out and have never made any attempt to pursue or develop a relationship with anyone I have had an interest in. In the past I have told myself that I wasn’t good looking enough and that no one could possibly be interested in me and that I would be wasting my time. I think I developed this thought process so that I could completely absolve myself from all responsibility for my situation. Only recently I have realised how ridiculous this is. As I have never made any attempts with women, I don’t have any sense of where I stand with them. I don’t know looks wise whether I am a 2 or a 7, and because I have no sense of this, I find it very difficult to put these negative thoughts fully to the back of my mind. I have had some random interest from girls in the past, but it has taken me years to convince myself of it, even when in two particular occasions the interest was blatant. Even on one occasion I thought the girl was trying to take the piss out of me or it was a sick joke. I was in such a bad place at the time, dealing with my family problems, that I let these opportunities slip through my fingers. On a good day when I am on my own and am thinking positively I do realise that I have much going for me and I do have something to offer. I exercise and am in good shape physically, am not bad looking when I compare myself to a lot of people, am tall 6’2” (which is apparently desirable to a lot of women), I have a sense of humour, am smart, honest, trustworthy and I am generally a good person. Despite the fact that you could classify this post as a complete moan about my problems I am fairly cheerful and don’t go around feeling sorry for myself.

Overall, the last year has been really difficult. I have been depressed off and on as the enormity of the task hits me and have days when I am really socially anxious, when I thought I had gotten over the worst of it. Previously I was not depressed, but spent most of my time at a neutral state, or slightly on the side of sadness. I am happy I have made some progress though, with a higher self esteem and I am not as quiet as I used to be and make more of an effort to chat to people. The anxiety still gets in the way though and I still have a lot of work to do. I don’t know how I am going to be able to move things forward, however. I am successful in my professional life and am more confident but still have no friends and no social life. I don’t know how to make friends and since people make friends through friends it seems almost impossible to achieve. At my age people have their group of friends and I don’t know how I could muscle my way in with people. This is before you even throw in my avoidant problems. I am deeply fearful that people will find out that I have no friends and inevitably they would figure it out and think how utterly strange it was, it’s a vicious cycle. I have distanced myself from people in the past for this reason and have made it virtually my life’s work to cover this up. No one knows and I have told a sh*t-load of lies to keep it this way, which I often feel very guilty for.

No friends also means having no social life. I have contemplated going out to nightclubs and pubs alone but I have come to the conclusion that it is a really a horrific idea. I know a lot of normal people wouldn’t do this and I fear it would only reinforce the negative thoughts I have. My biggest fear or phobia about social events is that my anxiety is written all over my face and that my body language makes me look completely unfriendly and unapproachable. I am also afraid I will end up being the mope or loner that drinks at the bar alone all night and stands at the edge of the dance-floor watching everyone else have a good time, utterly afraid to join in, in awe of my surroundings and not knowing what to do with myself. One of my co-workers got engaged recently and a year out from his wedding I’m already working on a good excuse to not attend as I would have to go alone. As far as meeting women the only avenue open to me seems to be dating sites, as I have no social life or work with any women I don’t have any contact with women day to day. I know dating sites are not ideal and going down this route has its pitfalls. Assuming for a second that I was able to go down this route, met someone I liked and the feelings were reciprocated, how would I explain my situation? No friends, no social life, would I be best to tell the truth, a watered down version of the truth or go the dishonest route and lie as always? People often judge people by the company they keep, I don’t keep company with anyone, what would this say about me? I fear that the truth would send any sensible girl running for the hills. This is before I would get around to revealing my complete sexual inexperience. Often I feel I would be selfish or unfair to try and date anyone when they could have their pick of well adjusted sexually experienced men.

I feel completely f**ked. I’m starting to think that maybe I should give up trying and accept that I will never have these things. I don’t know how long I can manage to endure the torture of not making any progress and accept that me thinking that I can have friends and someday have a family of my own is a bridge too far and a pipe dream. A person who is paralysed after having a car accident has to accept that they can never walk again; maybe I need to accept my situation similarly. It would mean never being happy but maybe I could stave off falling into depression by trying to keep busy and doing stuff such as starting up my own business which I have contemplated. I have pondered going to my GP about my problems, but I don’t know if it would do any good. I would be offered two things, cbt and medication. I am already kind of doing cbt myself, I don’t know how much more beneficial going to see a practitioner would help. In the end it would still be left to me to overcome and find the strength to face these problems. I am unsure how taking medication could help; maybe it would help to reduce my anxiety slightly. There is no quick fix. At the minute I just feel completely lost.

(Thanks to anyone who read through my post. I hadn’t anticipated it being anywhere near as long and it is probably a case of information overkill. I thought I would write down my full situation anyway as I feel I have a unique set of problems and it has helped me a bit personally to get everything written down. If anyone has any advice or comments on my situation that would be great.)

Oryx

Two things stand out in your post, op. The first is that you have self diagonsed and given yourself a label. You are also avoiding going to seek actual advice and help, and relying on your own research and diagnosis.

Now, it may help or it may not, but you really need to get an expert on board with this before you write yourself off in the way you describe.

LegacyUser

I take on board what you are saying but as I have pointed out I have done a lot of research and I am in no doubt that I either have Social Anxiety Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don't know if you are questioning the validity of my diagnosis or not. The symptoms of AVPD are the following and most if not all of these are relevant to me

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.
Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
Self-imposed social isolation
Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
Avoids interpersonal relationships
Feelings of inadequacy
Severe low self-esteem
Self-loathing
Mistrust of others
Emotional distancing related to intimacy
Highly self-conscious
Self-critical about their problems relating to others
Problems in occupational functioning
Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
Feeling inferior to others
In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

I don't know if seeking help would be of benefit. I think I don't want to waste time putting all my hope in medication etc when maybe I can't overcome these obstacles.

girlonfire

Hi OP,

I agree that self-diagnosis is not the most beneficial thing to be doing. I understand that you'd be nervous about going to talk to a professional, as it can feel like a daunting task. However, I would recommend talking to a GP asap.
The upside is that you're making a conscious effort to put yourself out there a bit more. Fair play as I can tell that's not easy for you. It doesn't have to be this way forever by any means. You've clearly been quite proactive over the years, yet it's a huge amount to take on board alone so perhaps that's why it hasn't been as effective as you'd like.
Would you go to see a counsellor and talk things through?
If you see your GP, he/she may be able to refer you to a group or something along those lines where people are experiencing similar feelings to yourself.
Basically, there's a lot of options for you OP and you aren't f***** as you put it above.
You do have to take the first step by making someone who's in a position to help you aware of what you're going through.
As regards relationships, when you meet the right woman, she'll accept you and love you for who you are. Do not stress about that for now. Take small steps and go easy on yourself.
Good luck

Ickle Magoo

OP, we cannot give you advice on an issue that you refuse to seek help from a trained professional for, nor based on an internet diagnosis you have given yourself. It's worrying that you would place such little faith in medical professionals and established medications but are happy that unqualified internet strangers advise you.

Dr Google is the worst possible place to be getting any kind of medical advice from - you need to make an appointment with your GP and get an official diagnoses before you can even start looking at what the possible solutions are.

All the best.