Postponing Love?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I've posted here before on a similar topic but found I was somehow holding back because I was afraid a friend/ my ex would see this post as they are into boards like me. This time round I'm going to try and be as honest as I can...

Basically, I'm in love. I've been seeing the same guy since October 2009 with a three month break in the middle. The three month break was more of a break up due to a situation out of my control. During the first half of our relationship I was a horrible person to be around due to family problems and found it very difficult to be close to people. If I did get close to people I would just share with them my problems. I met my boyfriend when I had started a masters and he was in first year of college. There is a three year gap between us, but it hasn't really affected us until now.

My boyfriend (let's call him Shane) is studying language and is going off on Erasmus for nine months in two weeks. He's going to southern Spain and from the beginning of our relationship in Oct 2009 he has said that he wouldn't want to be in a relationship for Erasmus as he things the distance thing would hinder any relationship as well as idealized notions of the fun and craic that comes along with Erasmus year abroad. In many ways I agreed with him and felt that as an 18 year old he was too young to be in a big relationship. This was one of the reasons we broke up first time round... And I regretted it everyday of those three months.

Last October (2010) we managed to get back together after sorting out some issues and learning to be work better as a couple. When we got back together he said that he would still want to be single for Erasmus and that that had not changed. I agreed to that at the time and still logically understand the reasoning behind it. Yes it could very well be about slutting himself around southern Spain, but you can only slut yourself around so much. He also needs to grow up in certain ways (ways which I have had the opportunity to do). We broke up in early July of this year but still saw each other regularly, still had sex and still would drop anything to be with one and other. It felt as though we were still together and we recently admitted that in many ways we were...

This man is one of the best people I have met in my life. He's now 20 and is one of the wisest, most beautiful people I know and I am still madly in love with him. He says the same about me and he's a complete straight talker. His honesty and intellect get him in a LOT of trouble (for awhile I thought he might be slightly autistic in how honest he can be?) and he said to me that he's no reason to lie to me. We have decided that the break up is definitely for the best and I agree with him in a lot of ways. But I feel like now it's really come to an end as he's flying out in a few days and I find myself thinking of him kissing other people, having sex with random people, sparking a relationship with someone else etc. etc. and it's driving me INSANE!

He told me not to wait for him while he's gone and I've no intention of waiting around for him, but there definitely is still unfinished business there, if that makes sense. We had two wonderful (but challenging) years together and we both agree that we hope to get back together but that we shouldn't put pressure on each other to do that. I am no fool and I understand that I could meet someone here (I've a better chance at finding someone and having a proper relationship than he does, to be fair, because I'm home) but I feel as though he is (in many ways) the One? Isn't that completely ridiculous? I'm only 23 for christ's sake! We just synch up so ridiculously well and know each other inside out. In that sense I know he's telling me the truth when he says he's not trying to mess me about or be unfair... He needs life experience. His parents did a similar thing (they broke up for 10 months before eventually getting back together and marrying) and I think he might be thinking of that in a way (well, he said that to me once...). He's still saying 'I love you' now and when we met up last he cried about the whole thing (so did I). I know we could probably make it work, but I'd prefer to let him go and be single myself for awhile to sort out a few things in my own life (problems with anxiety, massive thesis to write, parents divorcing, working part-time etc.) for the better good?

I dunno. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for here. The two of us are working well together and I find that we'll come up with soltuions together rather than me looking for solutions here... But the thing that gets me is how to ensure the best possible chance of us being on good terms and possibly getting back together? I know that's silly, and I know in two months I might hate his guts and be with someone new! Who knows! But does that make sense? I worry about him going to Spain alone (he's been having panic attacks about it and is now on meds for it) but I know he'll have a blast over there... But I can't stop thinking about him. He's home for a few days in October for a wedding and I don't know if I should see him. It's all a bit confusing.

I know how boardsies can be on this board. I love the tough love aspect, but I do know that he is an extremely honest person and I know for a fact he loves me. I just don't know what to do with everything else that comes with it.

LegacyUser

Eh, he doesn't sound like a beautiful person to me. He sounds like a d!ck OP.

He's having his cake and eating it too.

Why on Earth have you agreed and co-operated with this nonsense? He's either with you or he isn't. He wants to keep you on the backburner but also keep his options open in case someone 'better' comes along.

Love is blind. For all his crying and I love yous he is a bull**** artist.

In life you teach people how to treat you. And you are teaching him that you have no boundaries and will accept this sh!t.

LegacyUser

I'll break down your message to shed some light on this:

"Eh, he doesn't sound like a beautiful person to me. He sounds like a d!ck OP."

No, he's not a d!ck at all. He's been very patient with me over the last two years with the problems I've been having has been there in a great way. I know my post makes him sound bad but I'm not looking for judgements on him. He's 20 for Christ's sake and needs time to be single and to grow up. He's allowed to want to be single, and as I said it's not what I'm looking for here, but thanks!

"Why on Earth have you agreed and co-operated with this nonsense? He's either with you or he isn't. He wants to keep you on the backburner but also keep his options open in case someone 'better' comes along."

I have agreed to continue with this until now because I love him. I don't think it's as black and white as you're making it out to be. As I said we were basically not broken up until very recently and it still feels as though we aren't. And as far as I know, I could be keeping him on the back-burner just as much as he is with me! I doubt something 'better' will come along. Sure he could have a small romance while over in Spain but it wouldn't work out. He also isn't looking for a relationship and while you think he's a liar, he's actually ridiculously logical and honest and wouldn't do that to me. So no, I don't agree with that.

"In life you teach people how to treat you. And you are teaching him that you have no boundaries and will accept this sh!t."

Completely unfounded and unfair. I AGREED to this break-up from the get-go when we got back together in October, 2010. This was a mutual decision in many respects. I was saying yes to being together under that condition, and I was happy to still continue with the relationship.

Please re-read my message. Thanks

I am a friend

He loves you until there is more craic to be had elsewhere. Don't hang round for him op ...

Niamh88

Hi OP,

The two posters above seem a bit harsh in my opinion. I am in a similar enough situation to you. Myself and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years and next year he is emigrating to Australia. We are both 23, and finishing up Masters at the min and so travel is on the card for both of us next year. He has made it clear that he needs this time in Australia to concentrate on himself etc and so we'll be breaking up. We tried long distance last year, he was in Cardiff for 9 months for college and I was here. He's home now, and we have no regrets about doing long distance but neither of us want to do it again so breaking up is the best thing for us. Same as yourselves we have talked about marriage and both would really like to get back together sometime in the future (Although are under no illusions and won't be waiting for each other either). And while it is heartbreaking to think about (its been extremely tough!) like yourself, I want him to be able to grow in the ways he wants to and would never want to hold him back!! But like you, the thoughts of him with other girls etc is just horrific and unimaginable at the minute!! I think these things are always worse in our minds though, so as hard as it is, I'm trying to not think about it.

I'm sorry I'm not actually sure what advice I can give you...but wanted to let you know you're not alone! And the situation isn't as black and white as the previous posters make it out to be, it is possible to love someone completely and still need to grow as a person in yourself on your own. I have had A LOT of trouble coming to terms with that, but after countless talks and tears with my boyfriend, I know that Australia is something he needs to do alone. You sound like you know boyfriend very well, and in the end it is only the two of you who really know how you feel and whats for the best. It also sounds like its a good time for you to concentrate on yourself, (I hope everything works out for you!) so there is a silver lining. (Lol although I know how hard it is to look at it that way!).

As for the wedding in October, I would say playing it by ear would be the best option. You have no idea how either of you will feel at that time and so evaluate the situation again closer to the time. There's no point driving yourself crazy over these things yet.

I'm sorry I cant offer more, but I really hope these next few weeks aren't too tough! I really do feel your pain, but hopefully everything will turn out for the best and you never know what the future will bring.

I am a friend

Why do you need to be single to be able to 'find yourself'... Not being harsh but it sounds like waffle to me...

LegacyUser

"Why do you need to be single to be able to 'find yourself'... Not being harsh but it sounds like waffle to me"

You're right, you should be able to that it in or out of a relationship, but just not as affectively, really. At the end of the day, you're not helping this issue by questioning that and that's not the advice I'm looking for (which I've clearly stated). I've analysed this situation with my counselor and my friends and it's obvious that neither of us want to 'close the door' on the relationship. Simple as that. However, you gotta realize that you're dealing with a 20 year old guy and I'm very understanding in that he needs to go out and experience other people. Then I'll know for certain that I'm the one for him? Rather than him every doubting that... I think you're being very black and white about the situation and ignoring the vast layers of emotion behind it. At the same time thanks a million for what you've said

LegacyUser

Reluctant Poster wrote: »

I doubt something 'better' will come along. Sure he could have a small romance while over in Spain but it wouldn't work out.

Really? You seem pretty sure. You may live to eat those words I'm afraid OP.

Reluctant Poster wrote: »

He also isn't looking for a relationship and while you think he's a liar, he's actually ridiculously logical and honest and wouldn't do that to me. So no, I don't agree with that.

He is doing it to you. He is keeping you going as a convenience until he goes away. Then he is breaking up with you. You seem to be very much in denial

Reluctant Poster wrote: »

Completely unfounded and unfair. I AGREED to this break-up from the get-go when we got back together in October, 2010. This was a mutual decision in many respects. I was saying yes to being together under that condition, and I was happy to still continue with the relationship.

Well then what's your problem? You're getting what you signed up for.

I think you agreed to any of his conditions because you are so mad about him, but thought you could make him change his mind later. Now you realise you can't. He has all the power and control. Despite what he says (I love you etc) his actions don't match up. He may love you a bit but he's not into you the way you are into him. People don't break up with people they love.

He probably doesn't like to admit to himself and much less admit it to you. You don't want to contemplate the reality but it's gnawing away at you.

You did ask for opinions and this is mine. I also think you are too close to the situation to see it objectively.

I just know I would never accept being someones backup plan. If you want to, then you have to take whatever comes with it. I wouldn't.

Ickle Magoo

Reluctant Poster wrote: »

I've analysed this situation with my counselor and my friends and it's obvious that neither of us want to 'close the door' on the relationship.

You have a counsellor and you have friends and you've discussed it with them and yet here you are asking strangers on a forum for yet more thoughts.

You are clearly miserable with the terms of your relationship or you wouldn't require help and advice from all and sundry. You are 23, he is 20 - relationships shouldn't be break-ups and hassle and more break ups to "find yourself" at twice your age. Sometimes we have to accept that we fall in love with people and it is not a healthy and fulfilling relationship that results. Some relationships are toxic for our self-esteem and self-belief without so much as a cross-word being spoken.

I think the odds of getting back together again and having a successful relationship after he's gone off and sown his wild ones are very, very small. Rather than hanging on for this guy to decide whether he wants to be in a faithful relationship with you, whether or not he'll be your date at a wedding in months time, you have to look after yourself - and accept he's stated he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, be faithful to you and he doesn't want you to wait for him - he just wants to be free to kick his heels up - which as much as it may hurt; speaks volumes about his priorities.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You have a counsellor and you have friends and you've discussed it with them and yet here you are asking strangers on a forum for yet more thoughts.

You are clearly miserable with the terms of your relationship or you wouldn't require help and advice from all and sundry. You are 23, he is 20 - relationships shouldn't be break-ups and hassle and more break ups to "find yourself" at twice your age. Sometimes we have to accept that we fall in love with people and it is not a healthy and fulfilling relationship that results. Some relationships are toxic for our self-esteem and self-belief without so much as a cross-word being spoken.

I think the odds of getting back together again and having a successful relationship after he's gone off and sown his wild ones are very, very small. Rather than hanging on for this guy to decide whether he wants to be in a faithful relationship with you, whether or not he'll be your date at a wedding in months time, you have to look after yourself - and accept he's stated he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, be faithful to you and he doesn't want you to wait for him - he just wants to be free to kick his heels up - which as much as it may hurt; speaks volumes about his priorities.

All the best.

I don't get this one: "You are 23, he is 20 - relationships shouldn't be break-ups and hassle and more break ups to "find yourself" at twice your age. Sometimes we have to accept that we fall in love with people and it is not a healthy and fulfilling relationship that results." - would you like to rephrase it?

The chances aren't as small as you'd think. The thing is is that we are both in a small college and I will stil be studying when he returns to complete his degree. We also have many mutual friends and I think this is our problem. We are bound to be in each other's company in the academic year 12-13 and that's where I think we'll end up just falling for each other again. This is the problem, ya see.

I think they're normal priorities for someone his age no matter how fantastic of a relationship he's in. I want him to get it out of his system and return with a fresh canvas for both of us.

Ickle Magoo

Reluctant Poster wrote: »

I don't get this one: "You are 23, he is 20 - relationships shouldn't be break-ups and hassle and more break ups to "find yourself" at twice your age. Sometimes we have to accept that we fall in love with people and it is not a healthy and fulfilling relationship that results." - would you like to rephrase it?

People twice your age, with twice as much baggage and water under the bridge shouldn't be splitting up/getting back together/taking time outs and claiming they have anything approaching a healthy and worthwhile relationship - in your early 20's it should be pretty much all fun and frolics; anything else should be seen as enormous red flags that your relationship is never going to survive everything life will throw at it.

Love is not a pre-requisite to happiness, we have little to no control over who we fall in love with and the relationship that develops from that can be very bad for us - emotionally, self-esteem-wise and our general mental health and well-being. A healthy relationship should be a positive addition to your life, not a stressful drama lurching from one crises to another. I'm not sure how much clearer I can make that.

Reluctant Poster wrote: »

The chances aren't as small as you'd think.

You mean not as small as you hope? I think it is still statistically very unlikely.

Reluctant Poster wrote: »

The thing is is that we are both in a small college and I will stil be studying when he returns to complete his degree. We also have many mutual friends and I think this is our problem. We are bound to be in each other's company in the academic year 12-13 and that's where I think we'll end up just falling for each other again. This is the problem, ya see.

I wouldn't count on it - people change over time and the younger they are the more pronounced the changes. Who you find attractive, how you view yourself and what your goals and aspirations are mature and develop. When you are away from a place and the people you left behind you grow without them; then when/if you go back, you and/or they are no longer the same people as when you left - take it from someone who knows on that score.

Reluctant Poster wrote: »

I think they're normal priorities for someone his age no matter how fantastic of a relationship he's in. I want him to get it out of his system and return with a fresh canvas for both of us.

And yet many people in their teens and twenties have long term relationships that don't require breaking up with a partner to ensure they are free to get involved with other people at any given opportunity; so I think that's a bit of a red herring you are using to comfort yourself with. You seem to be content to be in such a relationship and are arguing with anyone who isn't giving you the sunshine & lollipops ending that you seem to be clinging onto. I just wanted to warn you that you should be prepared to be disappointed - if you aren't ready to accept that, then I'll just wish you well.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

People twice your age, with twice as much baggage and water under the bridge shouldn't be splitting up/getting back together/taking time outs and claiming they have anything approaching a healthy and worthwhile relationship - in your early 20's it should be pretty much all fun and frolics; anything else should be seen as enormous red flags that your relationship is never going to survive everything life will throw at it.

Love is not a pre-requisite to happiness, we have little to no control over who we fall in love with and the relationship that develops from that can be very bad for us - emotionally, self-esteem-wise and our general mental health and well-being. A healthy relationship should be a positive addition to your life, not a stressful drama lurching from one crises to another. I'm not sure how much clearer I can make that.



You mean not as small as you hope? I think it is still statistically very unlikely.



I wouldn't count on it - people change over time and the younger they are the more pronounced the changes. Who you find attractive, how you view yourself and what your goals and aspirations are mature and develop. When you are away from a place and the people you left behind you grow without them; then when/if you go back, you and/or they are no longer the same people as when you left - take it from someone who knows on that score.



And yet many people in their teens and twenties have long term relationships that don't require breaking up with a partner to ensure they are free to get involved with other people at any given opportunity; so I think that's a bit of a red herring you are using to comfort yourself with. You seem to be content to be in such a relationship and are arguing with anyone who isn't giving you the sunshine & lollipops ending that you seem to be clinging onto. I just wanted to warn you that you should be prepared to be disappointed - if you aren't ready to accept that, then I'll just wish you well.

This.

I agree with the majority of this. You're right... I just feel like I'll never feel the same about someone else and I can't stop thinking of him kissing other people.

Ickle Magoo

Reluctant Poster wrote: »

This.

I agree with the majority of this. You're right... I just feel like I'll never feel the same about someone else and I can't stop thinking of him kissing other people.

And yet he's said you aren't to wait on him so the thought of you kissing other people obviously doesn't bother him. I think you need to take his complete apathy at a relationship you cherished and get angry with him. You have to see that you are better than being forced to hang around waiting and torturing yourself with images of what he's doing.

Get angry, get over him - get happy for yourself and if anything happens in the future, so be it...but tbh, I don't think you should settle for someone who has the brass neck to tell you your real life relationship and feelings come second to his imagined future sexual adventures with other women.

All the best. :cool:

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

And yet he's said you aren't to wait on him so the thought of you kissing other people obviously doesn't bother him. I think you need to take his complete apathy at a relationship you cherished and get angry with him. You have to see that you are better than being forced to hang around waiting and torturing yourself with images of what he's doing.

Get angry, get over him - get happy for yourself and if anything happens in the future, so be it...but tbh, I don't think you should settle for someone who has the brass neck to tell you your real life relationship and feelings come second to his imagined future sexual adventures with other women.

All the best. :cool:

Other men

Nah - you're probably right. I'll see how it goes. If it naturally happens again so be it. I think it will happen (for some reason), but I think that's just me being in broken up mode. I'll get over this.

Esoteric_

Look, if the guy loved you, he may want a break up while he's away to have time to himself, that's understandable. But what he wants is time to play the field. Sorry but if he loved you, he wouldn't want that.

Karen8

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You have a counsellor and you have friends and you've discussed it with them and yet here you are asking strangers on a forum for yet more thoughts.

I think OP didn't really want honest opinions or thoughts, she just wanted her own opinion to be confirmed :rolleyes: which, I would say, sounds really logic, but... still leaves her with doubts and not without a reason. She understands everything deep in her heart, only it seems to be too painful to accept it as it is.