prefering sofa

LegacyUser

hi guys i am a regular poster on here and have posted issues similar to this before,but nothing much seems to have changed.....
So, my partner and i have two young children , recently he had minor surgery on his side , he is sleeping on the sofa ever since,op was 6 wks ago his side is still a little sore , but he is sleeping on the sofa, his reason for this he says is so i don't kick him while i'm asleep, i understand this but surely we could put a pillow or something between us if he really wanted to ?
Thing is , he's been sleeping on sofa for about two months before this on and off maybe one night a week in bed , in the evening time he will watch tv then fall asleep then i will just go to bed alone again .
at this stage i feel starved of affection ,even a kiss would help but no hugs nothing.....
its almost everday i ask him is he happy with being just housemates because thats what it feels like to me , he gets all defensive and silent and wont speak to me for the rest of the day .
For me i'm seriously starting to think about ending it as i am just not happy , i need to at least know i am loved but nothing...... yesterday i got my hair done and it looked fab even if i say so myself ! i saw him looking at me but he never said anything..... we go on like an old married couple, he is asleep on the sofa right now , i am in bed , i will get up in the morning ,we will have a cup of tea together , chat about the news whatever and then just get on with the day ........ sex is a no no, the last time was about 3 months ago , ive told him i need physical contact but he just laughs me off when i'm being serious .

i think i'm far too young for this , i want someone to snuggle up to in bed , chat to at night , watch a movie with etc , not too much to ask ? we are both in early 30's

The sad thing is we are due to fly out on holidays tomorrow with the kids , ive nothing packed , no interest ,i will enjoy the holiday for the kids sake but i know it will just be same old with me and him , doubt i will even get a hug , ive thought alot about asking him to leave but then i get scared about being on my own with the kids ,(not sure if i'll regret it etc) , tonight he asked me what was wrong as i had a bit of a face on me thinking about the holiday etc ,i told him it was because the way things were with us , he just tutted and went back to watching tv ,then fell asleep , i think i deserve a little fun in my life , am i wrong ? he just woke up there , came and got a drink ,sat down and then left the room , like i wasnt even there, i'm very confused about what to do next , can anyone please advise me ???? I'd be very greatful .

tinkerbell

OP you need to talk to him and make him listen. Tell him you need to talk and he has to listen to what you say, no interruptions and no going off in a huff. Tell him everything you've said here. The fact that you are actually considering leaving him may be the kick up the ass that he needs to cop onto himself.

Wowbagger

How long was he spending on the couch before his operation (it reads like it was only one night a week in bed, but I possibly am misreading it).

Is he back at work after the operation? Was he active before it? Would it be possible that he is suffering from depression or heading towards it? not wanting any contact at all is unusual.

It appears he is "happy" with the way things are, but you are going to have to bite the bullet when you return from holidays, sit down with him, make him realise you are serious and tell him you are not prepared to continue this way and that you deserve better.

W

StillWaters

You're lonliness comes across in your post. I left a marriage and was a single parent for many years afterwards, but I never felt as lonely in my life as I did in the dying embers of the marriage.

I will give the stock answer and suggest marriage counselling. It worked for me in that it clarified what I wanted/didin't want. But for many others it opens lines of communication and can salvage a relationship. Good luck OP.

Karen8

OP, big hug for u - if ur partner can't do it, we can :rolleyes:
I think the only way to solve the situation - is to find the way to talk to him. The way he wouldnt feel attacked and wouldn't need to put on his armours. U wrote he gets all defensive once u start to talk. Try to do it without waking up defense in him - no accusing, no blaming, no unnecessary emotions. just like u were talking about breakfast. Simply and step by step. Either he opens up with time or u will know u done ur best.
Marriage counselling is a good option too, if he would agree to go together. It helps to find a way to talk to each other so both artners could hear the other side. Best of luck for you two.

LegacyUser

Hi guys thanks so much for your replies, they are helpful . helps me to think straight about things , just thought I'd po back in and reply , I originally started this thread nearly a moth ago ? so.... we went on holidays for a week , he slept on the sofa in our apt , he came into bed one of the nights when i was fast asleep , then just got up again in the morning before me , there was no physcal contact of any kind , I tried to speak to him on the first night , again he got defensive and started to sulk refused to speak to me etc , so i gave up.

anyway we are home now and nothing else has changed , 3 times in th last 3 days i have tried to speak with him , asking him why he sleeps on the sofa , his reply was " you never ask me to go to bed " since when do i have to ask my boyf up to his own bed ??? he seems happy enough to get on with life just looking after the kids etc , he is a great father , i asked him "don't you think it's odd we don't sleep together" he just ignores me .yesterday when i tried to bring it up his reply was "why do you have to ruin a nice day ", i can't understand the fact that he knows i'm lonely and unhappy yet he obviously doesn't care maybe it's time for me to wake up .
he refuses to go to relationship counselling ,saying he's not going to speak to strangers, i just don't know what to do next .

musicinyou

monicasmad wrote: »

Hi guys thanks so much for your replies, they are helpful . helps me to think straight about things , just thought I'd po back in and reply , I originally started this thread nearly a moth ago ? so.... we went on holidays for a week , he slept on the sofa in our apt , he came into bed one of the nights when i was fast asleep , then just got up again in the morning before me , there was no physcal contact of any kind , I tried to speak to him on the first night , again he got defensive and started to sulk refused to speak to me etc , so i gave up.

anyway we are home now and nothing else has changed , 3 times in th last 3 days i have tried to speak with him , asking him why he sleeps on the sofa , his reply was " you never ask me to go to bed " since when do i have to ask my boyf up to his own bed ??? he seems happy enough to get on with life just looking after the kids etc , he is a great father , i asked him "don't you think it's odd we don't sleep together" he just ignores me .yesterday when i tried to bring it up his reply was "why do you have to ruin a nice day ", i can't understand the fact that he knows i'm lonely and unhappy yet he obviously doesn't care maybe it's time for me to wake up .
he refuses to go to relationship counselling ,saying he's not going to speak to strangers, i just don't know what to do next .

Really sorry to hear about your situation, have you sat down and told him that your thinking of ending the relationship that what you have is not enough and maybe its best we end things before it gets to a point were even talking isnt an option, approach him with exactly this, his response should be all you need to know! perhaps a trial seperation could be key too!

best of luck and i truly hope all works out for you

Magicmatilda

Have you told him that you are considering leaving him? I don't mean in a threatening way but because you are. Maybe something like "I know you don't want to talk about the fact that we don't have any affection, sex, intimacy between us but I want you to know and understand that this is a huge issue for me and I am beginning to wonder if we should stay in this relationship? What do you think?"

Secondly go and see a counsellor alone anyway as you need to sort out how you feel about this. Tell him you are going and why you are going. Because you need to work out in your head if you want to salvage your relationship, if that even is an option.

I think its important to note that your kids will have picked up on this tension and depending on their ages they will know that parents not sleeping together is not the norm. Please don't use them as an excuse to remain living in the status quo. Its not always the best thing for them. I am not saying you are or you will but just be careful you don't fall into that trap.

catch me if you can

you deserve love and affection as everybody does.
when a partner withholds sex and affection, it seriously effects a persons self esteem. dont allow this to happen to you.

tell him in no uncertain terms tonight that either he gets back in the marriage bed or he gets out and goes lives alone and sorts his head out.
a marriage with rocks in the bed cannot be good for either partner.
tell him after the holiday he is back in bed or he is out.

also continue to get ur hair done and dress up and if he still is not performing as a proper husband should, have an afffair. do it for youreself and your sanity.

musicinyou

catch me if you can wrote: »

you deserve love and affection as everybody does.
when a partner withholds sex and affection, it seriously effects a persons self esteem. dont allow this to happen to you.

tell him in no uncertain terms tonight that either he gets back in the marriage bed or he gets out and goes lives alone and sorts his head out.
a marriage with rocks in the bed cannot be good for either partner.
tell him after the holiday he is back in bed or he is out.

also continue to get ur hair done and dress up and if he still is not performing as a proper husband should, have an afffair. do it for youreself and your sanity.

is it really wise to advise somebody to have an affair! like thats going to solve anything, bare in mind there are kids involved here!!

Emme

OP, could your partner be depressed after the surgery? A general anaesthetic can really take it out of you and leave you tired and depressed. He sounds depressed to me.

He might need a tonic or to see his GP about getting his energy back again. Is he working? Is he less active and interested in life now than he was pre-op?

You say he was sleeping on the sofa for two months before his op which hints at deeper issues on his side. You two have children so you should talk it out and see if you can make it work for their sakes and exhaust all possible options. If you can't find a solution then you'll have to call it a day.

Taltos

Since this appears to have started before the surgery but has since increased I think there is something else going on.
However - I will not hazard any guesses as I would be totally wrong.

Instead since he refuses to talk to you - ask him if he will talk to a couples counsellor if you arrange it - either together or alone - whichever he prefers once he makes a committment to talk to someone.

If he refuses then I think you should go ahead and make the appointment for yourself. You really do need someone to listen to you - his shutting you down is just not on. Issues don't go away when you ignore them - they normally get worse - much worse.

You can't force him - all you can do is take care of yourself - so at least get the help you deserve so you can lift your head high and say "I deserve to be happy..." and mean it.

trio

He is being incredibly rude to you. Just shutting you down, tut tutting, giving you the silent treatment whenever you display any unhappiness.

Rude, Rude, Rude! :mad:

I urge you to go to counselling on your own. You really need a place where you can discuss your crushing lonliness in confidence and someone will hear you.

LegacyUser

Get some help with this matter because as this continues you'll find the barrier between you will increase to the point where you won't want him back in your bed. You're still in love with him but the more you resent this the the more you'll dilute the love for him and some morning you'll get up and won't care about him anymore, he'll just be a friend and the thoughts of making love to him will be a turn off.
That's when you're left with the horrible decision as to whether to live a celibate life with your best friend or leave.
Get it sorted as quickly as possible because you have no control over whether you love him or not and if that flicks to the off position you're both in big trouble because it's nearly impossible to turn it back on.

LegacyUser

OP why dont you write him a letter leave it on the coffee table for him or whatever setting out how you feel. If you didnt have kids Id tell you to leave but to me once there s kids involved its different, I know he is giving you very few options, please stick it out for as long as you can seeing as he s a good Dad.

jimmycrackcorm

Op, your only solution to this problem is to bring it to a head. He sounds to me as though he has some issue and for whatever reason does not want to face it. That's simply a human condition. But you don't have to leave it like that.

It's, perhaps, embarrassing or difficult for him so he is a reluctant respondent. Being a simple man, like myself, he'll do everything to avoid and ignore the issue until there is no choice but to face it.

The only way that will happen is a forced negotiation, i.e. You say "we have to split up because of this". But offer an opportunity to fix it. Basically you are in a situation where you need to take a lead but be prepared to take things to the brink. That's the way it is.

Remarks by trio about him being rude for example don't help, because it's not about being rude but that he has problem that he is either unwilling to or unable to communicate.

trio

Jimmycrackcorn

I was trying to help - I don't see the need for you to be in judgment, thanks.

Best of luck, OP.

Taltos

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Taltos

Chinafoot

Anotherpointofview wrote: »

OP why dont you write him a letter leave it on the coffee table for him or whatever setting out how you feel. If you didnt have kids Id tell you to leave but to me once there s kids involved its different, I know he is giving you very few options, please stick it out for as long as you can seeing as he s a good Dad.

I have to completely disagree with this.

The fact that he is a good dad doesn't mean these kids are oblivious to their mother's unhappiness. The OP is being treated appallingly and she is clearly very, very upset by the situation. Kids are sponges, they pick up on everything. You can be guaranteed that they are aware that things are not right. "Sticking it out" for the sake of the kids is never a good idea.

OP, he is being incredibly unfair. He is attempting to make this your fault. Trying to resolve it means you're ruining a nice day. Him sleeping on the sofa is down to you because you don't ask him to go to bed. He is trying to manipulate you.

If it was me I think I would ask him to leave, at least for a few weeks. He is refusing to take you seriously and is, quite frankly, acting like a bratty child. You are desperately lonely, he is fully aware of how you feel and he is refusing to try to fix things. Thats not right. You are too young for this.
Your kids don't deserve to be raised in a household of unhappiness and thats whats happening here. You deserve to be happy OP.