Hiding it for too long

Ramza

Hey this usually is not like me to post in this section but I feel like I need/want some advice so here I am. I do not mind what anyone thinks of this and feel I have nothing to hide so going under my normal account for this

I'm 20 years old and I live with my Mother. My parents have been divorced since I was 7 so for the last 13 years. I'm one of 5 kids (middle child). I used to frequently visit my Da with my other siblings, until certain things happened (I will not go into, it's not too important), and since my older brother no longer has talked to my father since. Few years down the line my older sister stops talking to him, and then my younger brother (for reasons I do not know), so it is just me and my younger sister who visit and have a relationship with him. This is where it gets complicated. My mother (and her side of the family), and my other siblings do not like my father, and so ultimately I have been branded by my family as different or outsider since I communicate with him. How is this fair to me.

For the last 13 years I've had to put up with this. My brother's and sisters talk about me behind my back. They don't tell me certain things and they keep me out of the family circle because of it. I know deep down there is a certain scorn towards me for it. Even my own mother tells me I should not be talking to my father and bad mouths him any chance she gets. I've heard conversations being had behind my back that my father has "ruined me" and he is a bad influence on me. This is total rubbish and I'd think that 13 years down the line my family would have grown up and stopped caring about such petty nonsense.

However when I was about 12/13 (just starting secondary school), my father just stopped talking to me. I didn't see him again until I was 18. I don't know why. He had just lost his brother to cancer and his mother died recently afterwards. Ok this is a very shocking blow. My father tells me he suffered from severe depression and did not want to see his kids. But my mother and everyone else told me he just doesn't care about you, and he only wanted to see you because he had to. My mother explained how in court my father was told to see his kids and stop neglecting them.. or something. It came up when my father was brought in regarding paying maintenance. Anyway who do I believe? Are my family just trying to make him look bad so I wont see him anymore? I actually did see my father in public and he totally avoided me. I didn't understand. I also wrote him letters rang him non stop and texted him but to no avail. Did my father really not care about me enough to see me? I don't want to ask since at the moment things are going good but I still want to know. Should I ask him or would that be throwing it in his face?You can I imagine how I felt going through puberty/secondary school with this on my mind I still feel bad to this day about it

Through those years I battled with some minor depression at 13 and severe anger issues. I became extremely violent and contemplated taking my life a few times. I know it might not mean much since I was 13 but it does to me, I had to get counselling too and of course this was a total field trip for my family to pin it all on my father. No one cared about me it was just how this looked for him. 7 years later and I really don't feel any different.

My mother has been battling with alcoholism for the last 3 years and she has finally gotten sober and back to her ways now. For those 3 years I couldn't speak to my mother or have a civil conversation with her . All she cared about was drinking all day every day. It was really hard since I spent those 3 years just doing nothing and making sure she was ok, spent all my time indoors making no contact with anyone since I felt so depressed. She lost her job because of it. I did my ultimate best but in the end it was me who solved the issue (wont go into detail). This really upset me since I couldn't bring my friends back to my house. I didn't go to my debs because of it because I spent my night inside worrying about my mother and probably bawling my eyes out why my father doesn't want to see me.

I don't have many friends, I do but see them once a blue moon. 90% of my time is spent alone. I'm sick of it

Present day a lot of new thoughts have sunk into my head. I've been thinking about my future and I am (hopefully) starting college in September. I want to have my own family one day. Then I got thinking about why did my parents have kids if they hate each other so much. Did my parents ever love each other? Am I the result of a failed relationship? Am I a mistake? I'm so tired of bottling things up that it has come to the point where I'm in public and I feel like having an emotional breakdown. No lie. I don't want to see my friends or go out. I avoid all my friends and all social activities. It's because so tiresome keeping everything inside for close to 13 years. It's become physically and mentally draining. I don't want to talk to my family about it since I'll only get biased answers and I can't bear to open up to my family. I can't do it.

Another thing holding me back at the moment I feel is my weight. I put up about 3 or 4 stone when I was really depressed as a teenager. I'd like to lose it but it's come to the point where my self loathing stops me from doing anything, tied in with my other problems. I don't like to look at my reflection. I try not to purposely. I feel I cannot make friends or have fun anywhere or express myself. I feel like everyone pities me everywhere I go. In public I feel really paranoid that everyone is laughing at me. The thing is I don't look ridiculous at all but I feel really uncomfortable. I don't like going out or to nightclubs since I keep seeing people having fun etc and I know it's not going to be me. I literally have so much money saved up because I DON'T spend anything on myself, I haven't gone out/treated myself in so long. I feel people judge me because of my weight and that's fine and all, but it hurts me a lot. When I drink I just get really drunk and then I get depressed drunk. I'll just have an emotional break down next time I get drunk. I feel like there is no stimulation in my life and any advice is appreciated.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Have you tried any groups for family members of Alcoholics. They are a great base to try and make sense of what happened when your mother was an alcoholic. Also have you tried going back to counselling? My upbringing has similarities to yours, I am a few years older and left home as soon as I could because of my family(15years old), and the thoughts you are having were my thoughts at a very young age. My self esteem was at an all time low and counselling and going to those AA meetings really helped. I got rid of the negative family members and let go of the past. Whats done is done. You need to focus on your life and yourself and I found that having help from people other then friends or family members really opened my eyes. Your issues about yourself, your weight, not spending money on yourself etc can be worked out with help from professionals. Believe me, I didnt spend a penny on me, and I couldnt look at myself in the mirror without hating what I saw back. But I learned that you are the only one that can stop these thoughts and feelings. You are the only one that can look after yourself and give yourself the love it needs. Its scary and easy to keep dwelling in your problems and not seeing a way out, but there is a way out. And you are not alone in how you feel. Try and seek help and surround yourself with positive people. Dont listen to the negative in this world. Once you get that confidence and self belief you will be able to tell your family that you dont wish to hear the negatives about your father. You dont wish to hear any negativity and if they dont respect that then you are not going to stand there and listen. It feels soooooo good when you get to that stage!!! Love yourself. Respect yourself, help yourself and you will get the changes in your life that you know you want! Goodluck.