texting another lad

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'd like to get a bit of perspective on this situation.

I've been with my OH for a few years, we love each other and are serious. However recently I met a lad on a night out, and we exchanged numbers as we got on very well. Since then we have been texting almost every day, just chatting about stuff.

I haven't told him that I have a boyfriend, I just haven't felt the need to tell him. Am I wrong to do this? Am I stringing him along?

I haven't been flirtatious in any way, kept it friendly and nice, just joking about different things.

He is lovely guy and I don't want to hurt him. I am planning to tell him, but I would like to know if other people think I am stringing him along or if this is ok behaviour.

What do you think?

LegacyUser

Does your boyfriend know you are texting this guy you met on some night out? If he's ok with it then all is cool, but just incase the other guy is under the wrong impression that something more than friendship might happen, I would just casually slip something about my boyfriend into one of the texts. You could text something like, heading to the cinema tonight with the boyfriend, any recommendations for a good film for us to see?

What kind of a night out was it, that you met this guy? If it was that you met and got chatting to him through mutual friends, and you just clicked on a friendly level, then there shouldn't be any problem really.

If however he's just a random stranger and it was in a nightclub, or pub where lets be honest, not all but a huge amount of people are on the pull, then I might be a bit annoyed if I was your boyfriend. I don't think my boyfriend would like if I got a number of a man from a night out, and neglected to tell the man I had a boyfriend but continued texting him for days.
It would be less of a trust thing, but more of a respect thing. I would not be happy if he took the number of some random girl in a nightclub and didn't tell her he was seeing me, so he wouldn't do it to me either.

Like with me my boyfriend knows a lot of my friends are male, a lot of them are mutual friends between us now, he doesn't mind that I meet a lot of guys through college and get their numbers in college or at a student house party that I get asked to, because he knows that I am just friendly with them through college, and only might chat to them about classes, or just everyday friendly stuff. They all know I have a boyfriend, because he is an important part of my life so I do tend to mention him a lot. Not in such a way where it's oh I better say I have a boyfriend, you can't assume every guy who is friendly wants to be with you, because that would be just arrogant, but more in a way ,that conversation will often remind me of something my boyfriend said, or something we did recently, so I just naturally will say these things if they pop in my head.

So my boyfriend is cool with these situations, and I would be cool if he got on well with girls he might meet through other friends and became friendly with them. We both naturally chat to each other about the people we have met, so there's nothing really secretive about anything. A nightclub or pub scenario number swapping though would probably bother both of us. It might be ok with us, if one of us mentioned to the other that we had met someone who was pure sound, and that the other person knew we had a partner. Otherwise though, it just seems more like something somebody who was single would do in such a situation.

It would all depend on context. Of course you don't have to tell everyone oh by the way I have a boyfriend, you can of course make friends without having to announce you're in a relationship, but I just think if it was somebody you meet in a stereotypical single hook up scene, then it would be a better idea to let them know you are attached, if not right away then at least soon. I wouldn't let it drag for weeks without mentioning the fact I have a boyfriend.
Of course there's every chance the man just sees you in a friendly way, but just on the small chance that he is hoping for more I would be a bit more transparent and upfront to avoid possible confusion in the future.

C-J

You're stringing him along. I'm sure your boyfriend will be very happy

zippiedodah

Well really, your post has answered your question.

zippiedodah wrote: »

we love each other and are serious. However recently I met a lad on a night out, and we exchanged numbers as we got on very well. Since then we have been texting almost every day, just chatting about stuff.

The fact that you used the word "however", shows that you know this isn't "just chatting". You exchanged numbers and have been texting every day since, and yet:

I haven't told him that I have a boyfriend, I just haven't felt the need to tell him.

There's a difference between not feeling it's needed, and knowing you don't have to tell him. I would say here it's more a case of you haven't had to tell him, ie. he hasn't actually asked you, rather than it's just never been relevant.

I haven't been flirtatious in any way, kept it friendly and nice, just joking about different things.

Flirting often starts out, or consists of, being friendly and nice and joking about different things. With someone of the opposite sex who has no reason to think you're unavailable whom you text every day.

You haven't done anything wrong, but you're definitely on the road to doing something wrong. And this guy you're texting probably does think there's a chance with you. I'm not saying girls and lads can't just text and be friends, but it's certainly not going to happen until you mention your boyfriend. Then you'll both know where you stand.

On a side note, since you clearly have no intention of cheating on your boyfriend, but also prefer your new friend to not know about your boyfriend, have you considered that maybe you're feeling like you're lacking a bit of attention/affection in your relationship? Maybe your boyfriend is a bit busy/distracted at the moment, or you're feeling a bit restless? Everyone in relationships likes a bit of a flirt with someone else now and then, but texting every day seems like maybe there's something else (just something little) you're looking for.

C-J

Also, if texting this guy isn't an 'issue' and your intentions are nothing but friendly then why post your 'issue' in 'personal issues'?

zxcvbnm1

It's completely inappropriate behaviour - and unfair on both your bf and this other guy.

You are clearly stringing him along.

Are you seriously telling us you are not sure about this issue?
What age are you? 10?

Gimme a break !

LegacyUser

Cheers for the lovely attitudes zxcvbnm1 and C-J. Obviously I am going to tell him.

I just wanted to talk about it, try to clear it up in my head.

I thought if I posed this question here, a forum I read regularly, it would give me some idea of what his reaction might be.

heresjohnnie

Does your bf know your texting this guy? It all sounds a bit underhanded otherwise. Clearly its bad if your trying to hide things from your bf and this other guy? If you were interested in building a random friendship you would make your intentions clear with this guy (who obviously is expecting it to go a different way) and link your bf in so ye can all hang out or something to neutralise the situation.... as it is, it all seems underhanded and dodge!

@rti-shm@rti

This is actually daft. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your boyfriend had met a random girl on a night out and was now texting her everyday and hadn't actually told her he had a girlfriend.

You're leading this guy on. In fairness it's highly unlikely that he is texting you in the hopes of cultivating a friendship if you met him on a night out. He obviously is interested in you which you obviously are aware of or you wouldn't be querying your behaviour here.

You're doing your boyfriend an injustice also by a) having encouraged a random guy and b) not saying anything about it

Put an end to it and move on with your boyfriend or maybe you need to ask yourself why you're doing this in the first place. Perhaps your current relationship just isn't for you. Either way what your doing is wrong. I don't see how you could actually think that this is ok. What is the purpose of texting this guy? Where is it going like? You are in a relationship. What's the point apart from boosting your ego and leading on a poor lad who is probably going to be pretty annoyed once told he's barking up the wrong tree

If this happened to me and I found out a guy I had been texting away was actually in a relationship I would write him off immediately as a total chancer

Miss Fluff

How do you think your boyfriend would feel about this? If it's as innocent as you claim then maybe you should tell him what you've been doing and see what he has to say?

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

C-J

You do realise that meeting on a night out, clicking with the person then regularly texting is how most relationships start? You're being incredibly naive here I'm going to assume you're very young

catch me if you can

your stringing him along.
and i dont believe your as innocent:) as u make out! you know well that you have started up an ego boost psuedo text relationship

so your boyfriend goes out one night, meets a girl, they get along really well, just as friends of course!!
so then they start texting each other, just friendly stuff, nothing big.

she doesnt know he is going out with anyone. she thinks he is single.

how do you feel??

so, you find out, confront him, he says 'ah sure there is no big deal, it was just friendly texts, just a bit of craic etc. the subject of going out with anyone didnt come up' ..............

so, how do you feel..............

zippiedodah

zippiedodah wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I'd like to get a bit of perspective on this situation.

I've been with my OH for a few years, we love each other and are serious. However recently I met a lad on a night out, and we exchanged numbers as we got on very well. Since then we have been texting almost every day, just chatting about stuff.

I haven't told him that I have a boyfriend, I just haven't felt the need to tell him. Am I wrong to do this? Am I stringing him along?

I haven't been flirtatious in any way, kept it friendly and nice, just joking about different things.

He is lovely guy and I don't want to hurt him. I am planning to tell him, but I would like to know if other people think I am stringing him along or if this is ok behaviour.

What do you think?

Yes you are leading him on. Do women seriously think men approach them on nights out chatting to them, getting their number, etc etc because they want a totally platonic friendship? I mean seriously?!! Seriously?!

Sorry to say this but young ones like you wreck my head. Are you really that naive or do you genuinely get a good ego boost having two men vying for your affections? You must be a teenager im guessing

Firetrap

I feel sorry for the poor chap who's texting you, not to mention your boyfriend.

Motley Crue

You're obviously stringing him along. And I think you did something wrong by not telling him upfront you had a boyfriend, especially considering where you met him, because in my experience most women mention their boyfriend (if they have one) within 15 minutes of meeting you and make it clear there is someone at home.

This has been going on weeks? And you text every day? Has he not asked? Or have you avoided that subject completely...what do you talk about every day, I mean, do you share conversations on Current Affairs...or has it slowly changed to intimate questions and flirting...??

If he's telling you how pretty you are or how hot you look then you should be upfront with him, cause he's going to be pissed when he finds out, and I don't blame him.

Distorted

Of course its wrong. I suppose if you are able to pretend to yourself that its all perfectly innocent and based on nothing but friendship, then you are the type of person to do something deceitful as this. I find faux-naive people generally unconvincing.

leggo

Eugh, the worst part about the whole situation is now this guy is going to think the boyfriend is probably just an excuse and feel rejected, even though he's done absolutely nothing wrong.

Sort it out OP. Is your clear need for a bit of attention really worth messing around two lads, one of whom you claim to love and the other who is 'really nice'?

We all make mistakes in moments of weakness. It's what you do now that decides what kind of person you are.