Friendship dilemma

Guest101023

This is about 2 friends of mine from many years ago in secondary school.
Friend One was my best friend and Friend Two was another good friend of mine. Both are also friends with each other. I would say that Friend One is the favourite of both myself and Friend Two, in that she was (is) such a lovely, good person but also great craic. Charisma, I suppose you'd call it.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of decades. All of us got on with our lives and would only get together very occasionally, either with one or with both, (I'm living abroad now) but the friendships were still there, or so I thought. Now I always made more effort to keep in touch with Friend One as she, as I thought, was my 'best friend' and the one I had more of a gra for, but as time went on I realised that it had became completely one-sided.

Why it took me so long to see that I don't know. She phased me out, in that invitations to visit, go away for a weekend etc., were all fobbed off ever so nicely that I didn't see the big picture, but in hindsight adding it all up I can see now she was not interested anymore. Contact also has now dried up fully since I've realised that she does not want to continue the friendship. As she clearly doesn't want me in her life I have stepped back. I could kick myself for not seeing this sooner as I must have been an annoyance to her, sending her birthday presents etc. She is also godmother to my eldest child to whom she has never sent a card but not being the perfect godmother myself I never have said anything. That was her decision and because I was so fond of her I didn't make an issue of it and have never mentioned it.

Now, I know friendships can run their course and along the way I must have let her down/annoyed her etc so that's that and can't be undone. While it's hurtful I accept and respect that she must have had her reasons. I was just slow on the uptake.

Sorry for being so long-winded but needed to fill in the backstory. My dilemma is this:
Friend Two was out for a night on the town with Friend One a while ago and obviously discussed that they hadn't seen me for a while and must get in touch. Friend Two rang me and we had a good chat and she told me to come over soon and we'd get together (all 3 of us).
She asked me how long it had been since I'd been in touch with Friend One and would I not give her a call. What could I say but that I would (I haven't) but of course it puts the ball in my court, as Friend One obviously didn't tell she never contacts me herself anymore.

I very much appreciate Friend Two's efforts to keep in touch and would like to get together with her, but I feel I can't as the subject of Friend One would come up and never in a million years would I say anything remotely critical about Friend One or that she obviously isn't interested in keeping in contact with me.

So now I feel I will have to lose Friend Two's friendship as well.

Is there anyway I can keep Friend Two as a friend? She has made the effort and now I'm going to hurt her by having to drop contact with her because of the situation. Anyway out of this that I haven't thought of? Thanks for reading this far.

tinkerbell

I think OP you can perhaps give Friend One one more try - call her up to say hello, ask how she is, make some small talk and say you'll see her when the three of you get together. You can act oblivious to how Friend One has treated you with the brush-offs etc, pretend to not notice.

After that then the ball is in Friend One's court. But you should still definitely keep in contact with Friend Two.

shinikins

Guest101023 wrote: »

Now, I know friendships can run their course and along the way I must have let her down/annoyed her etc so that's that and can't be undone. While it's hurtful I accept and respect that she must have had her reasons. I was just slow on the uptake.



So now I feel I will have to lose Friend Two's friendship as well.

Is there anyway I can keep Friend Two as a friend? She has made the effort and now I'm going to hurt her by having to drop contact with her because of the situation. Anyway out of this that I haven't thought of? Thanks for reading this far.

Why are you blaming yourself? Sometimes people just stop calling for no reason. And why would you lose your second friend if you tell her the real reason for not caontacting the other girl?

If it were me, I would explain to friend two that friend one stopped calling etc and you felt like you were doing all the work in the relationship. It in no way reflects on your relationship with her, so unless she is a very shallow person, you won't lose her friendship. I suspect that friend two asked friend one if she had heard from you, and friend one gave a vague answer that put the blame on you for notcontacting her, so correct the situation and tell friend two the truth.

LegacyUser

You don't have to drop the friend that is trying to reconcile you. If she keeps pushing the point just say very simply what you've told us here and ask her to be descreet and that you'd prefer to please just leave it.

She can see you both seperately. It would be way too awkward to keep trying with that other friend who phased you.

It's embarassing alright when these things happen but they happen to everyone no matter how nice they are. It's not your fault and you shouldn't have to lose two friends over it.

Firetrap

Definitely don't lose Friend 2 just because Friend 1 isn't your pal any more. Have a chat with her, tell her that you and Friend 1 have drifted apart (if you don't want to tell her what you've told us) but that you would really love to catch up with her.

LegacyUser

Give her a second chace,Meet up, bring photos of her goddaughter, try and repair that bridge.Maybe she is/was going through a hard time in her life, maybe something was said and she took it up the wrong way.

If it doesnt work out , you can always say you tried.