She wants children, I'm apprehensive - relationship over

LegacyUser

I'll try keep this as short and to the point as possible. I'm going to be simplifying things a lot here but I'll try get the main points across

I was going out with my ex for just over a year. We had had our share of ups and downs but on the whole we were both very happy and we suited each other perfectly, except for one thing - we both had very different views on children.

She had made me aware a few months in to our relationship that she wanted children some day and didn't intend to be waiting for too long for that to happen. My views on children up to this point had been quite dismissive. THis was my first serious relationship and up to that point I hadn't devoted a huge amount of thought to the issue. my basic inclination was to avoid going down that path till the last possible minute. I just wasn't that good with children and I knew that I wasn't really as mature (or financially secure) as I needed to raise children anytime soon. But I really liked this girl so over the next few months I gave the matter a bit more thought, I begun to warm to the idea a little bit but I in the back of my mind found the prospect of starting a family in the next couple of years frigntening and overwhelming.

In April we broke up in the heat of the moment during a stuipd arguement. Herself rang me a few days later to see if we could get back together. In my heart I really wanted to but my head was saying that maybe it was better to end things then rather than trying to keep a relationship going that was just going to hit a brick wall sooner or later over the issue of children. We ended up getting back together on the understanding that we were going to have fun over the summer and we might see how things were further down the line. I knew then that I really had to focus my thoughts and see if I could come around to the idea and truly embrace it.

So over the next few months I did give the whole children question a lot more serious thought. Kind of funny looking back now but I found myself doing things like visiting the parenting forum on this site and probing my friends with kids what their daily lives were really like. Being honest, I was still very fearful, I found the whole process enourmously daunting. Even thinking about children was stressing me out. By June things were really starting to boil over in my mind. I said to herself that we had to sit down and have a serious talk about our future. - well, this must have been the shortest such talk in history, she just simply said that we had no future together. I timidly nodded and agreed with her. This was just the path of least resistance for me. I lost my nerve and didn't say what I had come to say. We broke up - We walked away and agreed not to have any contact for a while.
That was over 2 months ago. In the meantime I had a bit more time to reflect and get my thoughts in order. I'd say even if we did have a proper talk in june, what would have come out of my mouth would have been very incoherent. What was so unbelievable about the whole year we were together was that we never really established what each other's exact positions on children actually were. I had assumed that she wanted to get married and start popping them out as soon as possible and she assumed I just didn't want children full stop. It seems really strange that we didn't discuss this gven how we were incredibly open and honest with each other about everything else. I suppose neither of us wanted to rock the boat too much while we were having a good time.

Anyway - I couldn't let the situation rest, I had to let her know what my true position was - that although I am very aprehensive about children, it would be something I would be prepared to embark upon given some time. She's 27 and I'm 29, neither of us work in jobs we particularly like or see any future in. The area I hope to work in one day is not looking good and may take years to recover. One absolute pre-requisite for me is that I would need to have started a career that I'm reasonably happy with before I would re-direct my energies towards raising children. In this regard, I simply cannot give her a timeline of when I would be ready to settle. She's at heart a very insecure person and I know that she would not be able to handle a situation where we were sitting around waiting for an opportunity to arise. There are purely selfish reasons for wanting to wait aswell - I'm a bit of a party animal at the moment. I do my 9-5 thing during the week and the rest of the time is just for pure enjoyment. I've been perfectly happy leading this lifestyle but I know this paradigm can't last forever. The thought of everything turning on it's head and settling down is really daunting for me.
So last week we agreed to have a talk about things again. We agreed that it wasn't a proper 'can we get back together' talk. Rather a talk where we could get our positions out in the open, get everything off our chests and tie up as many loose ends as possible. I explained my position, that yes, one day I would be prepared to have children but it may be a few years further down the line than she might ideally want. She was still extremely vague about her own exact position, I didn't want to pressure her into putting an exact time frame on how long she was prepared to wait. Although she didn't come out and say it, I just got the clear impression that my timeframe was completely incompatible with her's. She may have been trying to spare my feelings. I really thought after the conversation in June that she said we didn't have any future together more due to the fact that I wasn't proper husband material (due to the crap job & lots of partying etc) but she assured me that this was not the case at all and I believe her. She loved me enough to see past these shortcomings.
This all seems to simply be a case of bad timing. I fully appreciate the biological imperatives at work here for her of course. I just don't understand why she couldn't wait maybe 5 or 6 years given that it will take time for me to be the person I need to be to raise children. She'd only be 32/33 then.

I don't want to spend too much time mulling over this. What I really would like to know is if there's anyone out there who's faced a similar obstical. Was it overcome eventually? How did ye overcome it and if it wasn't overcome, was it easy to move on knowing that the breakup was down to an impasse rather than interpersonal issues or did this just make things harder. I know 100% that we both still love each other. She is really and truly one in a million and I know I will never meet anyone like her again - having said that, I don't think I want to drag it up again with her, maybe it's best to just allow her to move on. Maybe it is the best thing for the both of us afterall. I know I should give it some time but I guess I also need some other perspectives here to help me try and make sense of things.

Thanks

LegacyUser

OP here - wow, that post was a bit longer than it seemed at first.

I suppose the middle bits aren't as relevant. Thanks for anyone who takes the time to read it all!!

Ickle Magoo

I haven't really been through something similar but to an outsider it sounds like you are on completely different wavelengths. She is keen to start a family and may be reticent to wait for another 5/6yrs always with the risk that you may change your mind. Perhaps she wants someone who is reading from the same script and is as enthusiastic about starting a family as she is - rather than as a compromise after being faced with an ultimatum...which is how she could view the post break-up change of heart.

It's a toughy - perhaps you are just better suited to other people who share your life expectations and wishes? Anything else just breeds resentment ime.

All the best.

dellas1979

nokidsplease? wrote: »

I just don't understand why she couldn't wait maybe 5 or 6 years given that it will take time for me to be the person I need to be to raise children. She'd only be 32/33 then.

Can I just point out the irony of your post in that you have YOUR own timeline above, yet criticise her for having hers?

Neyite

OP, I dont think that she can wait 5-6 years for you. You cant even say for definate that you will be able for it then. Say if you are not, what happens? She has given you 7 years, being clear of where she stands from the very beginning and you bail? Where does she go from there?

I said exactly what your girlfriend said to you to my partner when we started to get serious. I was 29 and knew while it wasnt crunch time for children yet, I didnt have time to waste on a relationship that would never get to that stage. I asked him not to waste that time if he didnt see that potential future, and he was kind enough to consider it seriously. When we moved in, it was with that commitment in mind, that we would have children together someday. If he chose to be with me for a few years then move on, he would have probably ruined my chances of finding a stable relationship I could have children in forever.

Bearing in mind that a womans fertility declines drastically after age 35, starting at age 33 is madness. It can take a woman up to a year to concieve, then up to one in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarraige, add in about a year between children at a minimum (9 months per child) She could easily be 36 /37 before she manages to carry a child to term.

Now, I have a vested interest in where your girlfriend is coming from - I am 36 (halfway between birthdays) and started trying with my partner aged 33. We have been trying for over 2 years now, and attending a fertility clinic for the last year.(spending a fortune in the process) They can find no reason why we cannot concieve - our official diagnosis is Unexplained. I have had 18 doctor/clinic visits in a 12 month period alone and none covered under VHI as its fertility related. We have spent thousands, and will spend more, putting our dreams of marriage and a house on hold for now. We simply dont have the time anymore to do those things first. Fertility wise, time is seriously ticking for us, we cant spend money which could pay for a treatment cycle elsewhere. It still could be another year or two before we are successful in having even one of our planned children.

So, all the best laid plans can go to crap. You sound like you have far too many doubts to give her the answer she needs. She has been straight with you from the start, you need to be straight with her too.

catch me if you can

It took me a year to get pregant then i had a miscarriage . then 6 months later i got pregnant again. I was 29. I cant imagine waiting till 33 esp if you want more than one child. the complications and risks after age 35 are there and real, i dont think many men actually understand this. Its like you think she will get pregnant over night. this is not the case for most women.
if you love the woman take a leap of faith. Every man is frightened of fatherhood your not alone. If you have a good solid relationship then you will get through the baby years together. They are stressful but they are fun too and full of happieness and joy.
A baby will not stop you pursuing your career. you can change jobs anytime.
all i can say is your woman is just going to end up being someone elses woman pretty soon. and she will have kids and a full life.
and you will be alone or with a partner that pales in comparison to her.

Glitter

First of all, there's no shame in not wanting to have children. Not everyone does. And, if you don't want them then you shouldn't have to talk yourself into thinking that you do, or might, in some mystical future five years down the line.

The crucial thing is to be honest with potential life partners about these things. The earlier the better, especially once you hit your late 20's / early 30's. Before anyone gets seriously hurt.

It sounds like you two have pretty much laid your cards on the table and you just don't want the same things. So the best thing really is to do as your ex has done and walk away.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

OP, I dont think that she can wait 5-6 years for you. You cant even say for definate that you will be able for it then. Say if you are not, what happens? She has given you 7 years, being clear of where she stands from the very beginning and you bail? Where does she go from there? ....
.... You sound like you have far too many doubts to give her the answer she needs. She has been straight with you from the start, you need to be straight with her too.

OP again

I know very well that she needs reassurance and absolute commitment. I was completely 100% honest with her when we had out last talk. I wanted her to know my exact position and for her to make up her mind based on those facts. I didn't make any promises I couldn't keep or give her false hope about anything. My absolute biggest fear is that I will end up wasting her time and I told her this.

As for the biological dimension, I did have some understanding of the complications that can arise in one's 30s but not a terrible deep one. I hope I didn't come across as being too unreasonable about this. I guess she doesn't want to take any chances on this front.

What reassurances can I give her? Right now its a case that I am very serious about her and I am willing to accommodate her wishes. I think what she wants for me to do is fully embrace them. Right now I can't honestly do that, I'm sure I could in time but that's something we can't gamble with and that's the crux. Things really aren't looking good. When I said she was one in a million I really couldn't have meant it more. This has been the most painful episode of my life so far, and I've had some pretty ****ty things happen to me. I've in tears nearly every day for the last month (yes, I am a grown man...), it's going to be hard moving on.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and respond. I don't suppose anyone has walked away from a situation like this and had no regrets?? Might life my spirits a bit.

Thanks.

dixiefly

Only you can tell if this is what you really want. If you were really committed to her and the relationship I suspect you would be ready to give up the party lifestyle and start thinking about a family as she has asked you to do.

Regarding your worries about the job you must be aware that there are many people having kids and are not working at all. This is important but shouldnt be a deciding factor as you at least have a job.

If you dont really feel you can make the committment then be up front with her and give her the chance o move on with someone else that wants the same thing as her - the longer you leave it the more difficult it may become for her.

LegacyUser

The biological facts: as teenagers, 1 in 100 women are naturally infertile. By 30, the figure is 1 in 10. At 35, 25% of women won't get pregnant naturally, and by 40 that rises to 50% - which is also the miscarriage rate at 40.

Like Neyite, I've been trying to get pregnant since I was 33. It's cost fifteen thousand. I'm now 37. A lot of career/life plans have been put on hold for both of us just from trying to have kids, let alone having them. We won't be buying a house.

I wish more men knew these facts, including an ex boyfriend who was completely dismissive of me wanting to start a family at 29/30.

I know this is a tough situation. You can probably have kids at a much later age. But if you want her, you need to make a plan.

LegacyUser

"The biological facts: as teenagers, 1 in 100 women are naturally infertile. By 30, the figure is 1 in 10. At 35, 25% of women won't get pregnant naturally, and by 40 that rises to 50% - which is also the miscarriage rate at 40. "

Hi, I was just wondering what the sources/references for this are?

What do you mean by "infertile"? Not being able to conceive? Or conceiving and having a baby with problems? Would you mind giving some more info?

Thanks!

Karen8

nokidsplease, you and others just speak about the results, not the reasons. I think even you feel that your career, job, money and other stuff is just an excuse, not a real reason. Why don't you want kids? Why even thinking about them makes you feel bad? Where those thoughts came from? Maybe deep down in your heart you didn't feel loved by your parents? Maybe you didn't feel being a joy of their life, rather an impediment?
You got it right - kids are all about putting someone else into first place and fight your egoism. Just so your girlfriend is. If you think about partying and living for your own pleasure u definitely not prepared to be a dad yet. I'm not even sure if you're mature enough to have a girlfriend. If she's one in a million, she won't be alone too long. Will your better job and partying till the mornings make you feel happy or empty then? Think about it. Dont go with a flow, you r reponsible for ur life.

Neyite

jsutowndering wrote: »

What do you mean by "infertile"? Not being able to conceive? Or conceiving and having a baby with problems? Would you mind giving some more info?

Thanks!

Infertility is an inability to concieve. A mother of a disabled baby is still a mother, and therefore not infertile.I'm not sure about what you mean here? Are you saying that having a baby with problems "doesnt count"? What kind of a question is that?

And as for this from Karen8:

nokidsplease, you and others just speak about the results, not the reasons. I think even you feel that your career, job, money and other stuff is just an excuse, not a real reason. Why don't you want kids? Why even thinking about them makes you feel bad? Where those thoughts came from? Maybe deep down in your heart you didn't feel loved by your parents? Maybe you didn't feel being a joy of their life, rather an impediment?
You got it right - kids are all about putting someone else into first place and fight your egoism. Just so your girlfriend is. If you think about partying and living for your own pleasure u definitely not prepared to be a dad yet. I'm not even sure if you're mature enough to have a girlfriend. If she's one in a million, she won't be alone too long. Will your better job and partying till the mornings make you feel happy or empty then? Think about it. Dont go with a flow, you r reponsible for ur life.

He and everyone else is perfectly entitled to not want kids and does not point to a lack of affection in childhood, or a personality flaw. What bollocks. I applaud the fact that the OP is not taking potential fatherhood lightly and is carefully weighing up the options.

Yet you come along and accuse him of being selfish, egoistical, and practically accuse his parents of not loving him enough, and saying he does not sound mature enough for a girlfriend??

And you actually contradict yourself, telling him not to go with the flow, when your advice is geared towards exactly that - going with the flow and having a kid because everyone else does.

Morbert

OP, how would she feel about adoption? If her major concern is a limited window of fertility, you could always adopt instead at a later stage. Not only would you be raising a child of your own, but you would be saving a life to boot.

Penny Dreadful

nokidsplease? wrote: »

OP again

I know very well that she needs reassurance and absolute commitment. I was completely 100% honest with her when we had out last talk. I wanted her to know my exact position and for her to make up her mind based on those facts. I didn't make any promises I couldn't keep or give her false hope about anything. My absolute biggest fear is that I will end up wasting her time and I told her this.

As for the biological dimension, I did have some understanding of the complications that can arise in one's 30s but not a terrible deep one. I hope I didn't come across as being too unreasonable about this. I guess she doesn't want to take any chances on this front.

What reassurances can I give her? Right now its a case that I am very serious about her and I am willing to accommodate her wishes. I think what she wants for me to do is fully embrace them. Right now I can't honestly do that, I'm sure I could in time but that's something we can't gamble with and that's the crux. Things really aren't looking good. When I said she was one in a million I really couldn't have meant it more. This has been the most painful episode of my life so far, and I've had some pretty ****ty things happen to me. I've in tears nearly every day for the last month (yes, I am a grown man...), it's going to be hard moving on.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and respond. I don't suppose anyone has walked away from a situation like this and had no regrets?? Might life my spirits a bit.

Thanks.

I was in a situation very similar to yours in 2009. I'd been with my boyfriend for 10 years at that stage, were in love with each other, there was no one else, etc etc but by the time we were 10 years together I'd been wanting to get married and start a family for 3 or so years.
He had kept telling me that I was the one for him, no doubts there, but he needed more time. I gave him more time over and over but as this time wore on I began to see him in a very different light. I saw him as someone who wouldn't commit ultimately to me or to our relationship. I saw him as someone who just didn't want to have the same life as me. We were actually on the brink of getting engaged when he told me he didn't want to have kids ever. I was 32 then.
To cut a long story short we tried to work this out, had counselling sessions etc to work through that different wants and needs we both had. He just kept saying he needed more time - me, I thought how much more bloody time can I give you? He then said, yes ok, lets do it but I knew his heart wasn't in it and that we'd break up sooner or later and probably with a kid in the mix too. So I ended it.
It was hard, I'm not going to pretend it wasnt. 10 years is not easy to walk away from but I'd tried as hard as I or anyone could to make it work. I'd been patient (and only time will tell if I was too patient), I'd been understanding, I'd been frustrated and angry - with him with myself but never at any stage did I think I was doing the wrong thing by breaking up with him, never.
Now 2 years on I've put my life back together. I've met a great guy who wants the same things as I do out of life - marriage and a family (if we can, fingers crossed). I can talk to him openly and honestly about anything and we just click together so well.
There is life after a break up.

Penny Dreadful

Morbert wrote: »

OP, how would she feel about adoption? If her major concern is a limited window of fertility, you could always adopt instead at a later stage. Not only would you be raising a child of your own, but you would be saving a life to boot.

Maybe she would like to have the option of having a biological baby of her own?
Adoption isn't easy and the older you get the more difficult it is to be accepted.
As I said in a previous post, I had been in a similar situation to that of the OP and his girlfriend and if my ex had at any stage suggested adoption rather than having a child of my own because I had waited around for him to "be ready" I'd have gone nuts.

LegacyUser

Morbert wrote: »

OP, how would she feel about adoption? If her major concern is a limited window of fertility, you could always adopt instead at a later stage. Not only would you be raising a child of your own, but you would be saving a life to boot.

Well... wow. First of all, wanting your own biological kids is a deep urge for many people. Adoption is something that either fertile or infertile people can do... yet the vast majority of people who adopt do so when they have given up hoping and grieving for the own child. Asking a 27 yr old girl to ignore her own biological drives and stick around until the OP is ready to adopt is ... madness?

Also, as far as I know the cut off age for adopting is 40 - hardly that old. And adoption costs 20k and there is a 5 year waiting list. When should they join the list? lol.

Unfortunately the OP is facing a very common problem that there is no easy answer to. In my experience, most men get extremely broody in their late thirties, but unfortunately it is often too late for the women they love. Infertility is then a problem for both people.

OP, I don't envy you having to make this decision. Ultimately no one here has the answer. The only thing I could say is that I've seen alot of men who didn't want kids being absolutely over the moon when kids come along. Also she is just 27, you could wait another two years or and focus on your career in that time. The real question is
: DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH THIS GIRL?

I also agree with Neyite. Nothing wrong with not wanting kids, as long as you don't waste anyone's time.

Morbert

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Maybe she would like to have the option of having a biological baby of her own?
Adoption isn't easy and the older you get the more difficult it is to be accepted.
As I said in a previous post, I had been in a similar situation to that of the OP and his girlfriend and if my ex had at any stage suggested adoption rather than having a child of my own because I had waited around for him to "be ready" I'd have gone nuts.

If this is the case then her major concern is not a limited window of fertility. It would be having a child genetically related to her. I distinctly said "if her major concern is.." for this very reason.

Penny Dreadful

Morbert wrote: »

If this is the case then her major concern is not a limited window of fertility. It would be having a child genetically related to her. I distinctly said "if her major concern is.." for this very reason.

I wasn't having a go at you when I said what I said:)
Having been there and gotten the T-shirt I think it is easy for a man to not fully understand that there is a limited time frame for a woman to have the same choices as a man. My ex really didn't seem to understand that at 32 this was starting to become a cause for concern for me. As far as he was concerned at the time I had years and years left to wait to have kids when I didn't.
I do think that maybe my ex will want the marriage and kids thing with someone else and that maybe we weren't the fit we thought we were back then. Maybe saying he didn't want kids was (whether he knew it or not) a way of saying I don't want kids with you.
Either way, we've broken up and moved on with our lives and I have no regrets. I don't know if he has but I imagine not. The OP needs to face up to this big issue in his relationship before too much time passes where both he and his girlfriend spend time pretending (as we did) that everything is ok and will work out in the end.

Neyite

Morbert wrote: »

If this is the case then her major concern is not a limited window of fertility. It would be having a child genetically related to her. I distinctly said "if her major concern is.." for this very reason.

You do realise that adoption is a moot point, dont you?
If her fertility window is closed (which would happen in her early to mid forties) so therefore are her adoption chances, because you have to be under 40 to qualify for adoption.

And you cant apply for adoption unless you have finished trying for a biological child- so you cant apply during fertility treatment.

Morbert

Neyite wrote: »

You do realise that adoption is a moot point, dont you?
If her fertility window is closed (which would happen in her early to mid forties) so therefore are her adoption chances, because you have to be under 40 to qualify for adoption.

And you cant apply for adoption unless you have finished trying for a biological child- so you cant apply during fertility treatment.

As has been pointed out in this thread, her fertility window may be closed in her early to mid thirties. This is presumably when the OP wants to consider having a child. I was wondering how she would feel about adoption at that age? If it is important to her to raise a child of her own with her boyfriend, she might agree with adoption. If it is important to her to raise a child of her own that has her genes, then she would not wait.

It is a perfectly valid suggestion that is not in any way moot.

LegacyUser

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

I was in a situation very similar to yours in 2009. I'd been with my boyfriend for 10 years at that stage, were in love with each other, there was no one else, etc etc but by the time we were 10 years together I'd been wanting to get married and start a family for 3 or so years....
...Now 2 years on I've put my life back together. I've met a great guy who wants the same things as I do out of life - marriage and a family (if we can, fingers crossed). I can talk to him openly and honestly about anything and we just click together so well.
There is life after a break up.

OP again.

Thanks for sharing that with us. I'm really glad to hear that things worked out for you.

My biggest fear is that we'd end up in a similar situation to this but without the happy ending. I dread to think how she would feel if I promised to try and go with the whole family idea and then turn around a few years later and jump ship. I have a fear that we might start a family and that I would come to resent her for tieing me down to early. In general, I have a tendency to look at worst case scenarios first when I'm making big decisions. I shared my fears with her when we had our recent talk and she immediately recognised that this tought pattern was at work again. She told me I was being irrational. Maybe to an extent but I can't ignore the fact that these fears are rooted in the fact that my heart isn't in the idea of starting a family nearly as much as it is for her. Like you said of your ex, "his heart wasn't in it and that we'd break up sooner or later" - I know we would both carry this fear and that would make it an up-hill struggle from the out-set.

somethoughts wrote:

OP, I don't envy you having to make this decision. Ultimately no one here has the answer. The only thing I could say is that I've seen alot of men who didn't want kids being absolutely over the moon when kids come along. Also she is just 27, you could wait another two years or and focus on your career in that time. The real question is
: DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH THIS GIRL?

I also agree with Neyite. Nothing wrong with not wanting kids, as long as you don't waste anyone's time.

I suppose some people might question my desire to spend my life with her if I'm so reluctant to to bring forward the sacrifices that having children entail. Even if I did wake up and decide tomorrow that I wanted to do things her way I really don't think she'd be willing to put her faith in me sticking with that decision. I know nobody here has a neat answer to the dilemma. But in any event, hearing other people's perspectives and experiences has been very helpful. As I said, I have been having a very hard time dealing with this and I really appreciate everyone's input here.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is really clear that you just don't want kids. I don't either (and I'm a woman), so I'm not in any way judging you badly for not wanting kids. But it's a deal breaker, really, it is. You have to let this woman go - at best, you'd be 'settling' for have having kids in order to keep the relationship going; and I just get a sense that you know if it really came down to the wire, you wouldn't be happy, and may walk away.

I'm afraid this is a relationship issue on which there is no compromise: if you can't truly honestly and wholeheartedly sign up for having kids, you have to let her go. Otherwise one or other - or both - of you are going to feel very unhappy and resentful in the future. That's not a realisation to make after you've had a kid. As hard as it is, you have to let her go to persue a more compatible life plan with someone else. And you also should be with someone with more compatible life views. I say that from the position of someone who years ago thought I'd be more amenable to the idea, but tine just reinforced my views that I really really didn't want kids. I'm sorry to be harsh (again), but you aren't doing either of you any favours by continuing the relationship.
I guess one way of putting it in perspective is what you would do/how you'd feel if you discovered tomorrow that she was accidentally pregnant?

Hope you find happiness with someone who has a more similar outlook to you.

LegacyUser

It's a toughie and I do feel for you. Not everyone wants kids and it shouldn't be something that people are condemned for. It doesn't mean you're a horrible person, had a rotten childhood or are selfish. I'm a woman and it took me years to honestly admit to myself that I really didn't want to have them.

It's hard to give you a definitive answer. Only you can figure out if you want kids. It does look to me like you don't but you've kept going with the relationship, hoping that your feelings on it would change. That's not to say that you could do a 180° turn and become a devoted dad but that's a leap of faith. If you can't face into the reality of what being a parent is, it's as well to cut your losses and keep going. If you do have kids, you'll not have your girlfriend all to yourself any more. You'll have to base your whole life around your offspring for several years. Does that look doable to you or does it freak you out?

Penny Dreadful

nokidsplease? wrote: »

OP again.

Thanks for sharing that with us. I'm really glad to hear that things worked out for you.

My biggest fear is that we'd end up in a similar situation to this but without the happy ending. I dread to think how she would feel if I promised to try and go with the whole family idea and then turn around a few years later and jump ship. I have a fear that we might start a family and that I would come to resent her for tieing me down to early. In general, I have a tendency to look at worst case scenarios first when I'm making big decisions. I shared my fears with her when we had our recent talk and she immediately recognised that this tought pattern was at work again. She told me I was being irrational. Maybe to an extent but I can't ignore the fact that these fears are rooted in the fact that my heart isn't in the idea of starting a family nearly as much as it is for her. Like you said of your ex, "his heart wasn't in it and that we'd break up sooner or later" - I know we would both carry this fear and that would make it an up-hill struggle from the out-set.




I suppose some people might question my desire to spend my life with her if I'm so reluctant to to bring forward the sacrifices that having children entail. Even if I did wake up and decide tomorrow that I wanted to do things her way I really don't think she'd be willing to put her faith in me sticking with that decision. I know nobody here has a neat answer to the dilemma. But in any event, hearing other people's perspectives and experiences has been very helpful. As I said, I have been having a very hard time dealing with this and I really appreciate everyone's input here.

You're right, there is no neat answer. Ultimately, as the one who wanted children, I was the one to break up my relationship. I knew that if I was to have a chance at having a family with someone, I wanted them to be as excited about it as I hope to be some day. If I'd stayed with my ex and had a child with him I'd have spent the entire pregnancy scared that he'd leave or even be so hands off that I'd see the relationship die anyway. I was worried about becoming bitter and angry and that is no way for anyone to live and certainly no good thing to bring a child into.

As I said before its not easy, far from it, but you do get through it, both of you. In fact, last night as I was messing around on Boards I came across a post from my ex asking about holiday destinations for him and his new girlfriend. I've moved on and found happiness and I was really glad to see that he has too. It can happen.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I'm childfree by choice and told my partner a few months into our relationship and gave him the choice of being with me or leaving and having kids with someone else. Happily he chose me and 6 years later I've never been more satisfied with life!

If you are certain in yourself that you never want to have kids then do both of yourselves a favour and seperate as it will only end in strife.