Girlfriends hysterics

LegacyUser

Hi
Would this be a terrible thing to do?

My GF has recently moved in with me. we are both in college.
We've been together almost two years now and every year around exam time she gets incredibily stressed. Now thats normal enough its just the level of stress is just to much for me to handle. I'm a chilled out guy and I do get stressed by exams so do most people. But my GF is on a whole other level.
For instance, last lot of exams at the start of summer. She was constantly crying about how she was going to fail etc. Proper hysterics like. No matter how much I try to console her nothing helps she just goes on and on about how she is going to fail no matter what I do or try to say to her. We've been together now for 3 lots of exams and its been the same everytime.
I mean I wouldnt care if she was stressed to the degree thats normal but its just to much to handle. She goes into pure hysterics breaking down crying every few minutes. There is no positivity.
I'll usually say something like "You said you were gonna fail the last time and look how well you did. So calm down you're not gonna fail"
She'll reply with "This time is different!!" and then give a spiel about the college not giving us enough time etc etc or something like that.

I got so sick of it the last time that I actually started telling her to just shut up she was like a broken record. I was stressed myself and having her around breaking down crying and having tantrums was too much. So I suppose I snapped . Its not normal to get THAT stressed by exams. I had to go for a drive then just to get some space for a while. While I was out I decided to ring my Dad for some advice (I was incredibily stressed by her behaviour) while I was on the phone to my Dad she left me a voicemail. Saying she was gone out for a walk and didn't know where she was going, crying. It was kinda weird to be honest.
I don't see what she's so afraid of, so far since she's known me I have failed 3 exams, she can clearly see its not the end of the world since I managed to recover from it.

As far as I know there is no massive pressure from her parents. But her sister from what I know from speaking to her is the exact same, making herself sick, crying before getting her results etc.
Its not just exams though. Any bit of stress seems to knock her down and she can only see the negative outcomes. I have asked her before if she would consider counselling but she is admant that she doesnt need.
I love her to bits and I'm always there for her but there is only so much I can handle. I told her after the last exams that I couldn't handle it. She said sorry and that next time she will start studying earlier so she doesnt get so stressed. Personally I don't think its going to work. I think no matter how much she studies its going to be the same.

Sorry if I have gone into to much detail here I think I needed to get it off my chest as well. I am thinking and I can't believe I'm actually thinking about this but should I give her an ultimatum? She means alot to me I want to spend the rest of my life with her but I don't wanna spend the rest of my life trying to no avail to calm her down everytime she is under a little bit of stress.
Any ideas what I should do?
Thanks so much if you've read all this

Taltos

Your GF either needs to grow up and realise the world does not revolve around her or more likely get some professional help.

You are not equipped to solve her mental issues - and could do more harm than good. Her whole voicemail thing - either this was a cry for help or she was just manipulating you into worrying about her. No wonder you have failed exams yourself if your time is being diverted onto her fits.

I think the time for ultimatums has passed OP. On her own she is not going to change - she may indeed get worse. Sit her down and calmly explain that her childish behaviour is impacting your relationship in a negative way and that either she chooses to stop and grow up or she goes and gets some behavioural help.

You must have the patience of a saint - after her second bout of this I would have definitely had to walk - life is too short to have your head and future melted by an eternal child. My bigger fear is what happens when real life crap comes her way? Death of a loved one, bad review at work, failed driving test - you choose - college is the good bit - what comes after stinks.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply.

I have actually been up all night trying to figure out if her behaviour has actually affected my results. Just reading back on the post and your reply I think it has. I end up spending more time trying to calm her down than I do studying!!
I don't know what the options are for counselling here, theres no where in this town. ( I know this because i went through a rough patch myself two years ago and couldnt find a thing)

I don't know why she gets so bloody bad. She recognises herself that she has low self esteem so maybe thats part of the problem? But I dunno I can't help her with that, I only managed to gain some self esteem myself in the last few years!

I think what I should do is sit her down and have a nice long chat about it before the new term begins and explain everything. Like I said she'll probably say she's just going to study earlier etc and she doesnt need help.
If she says this should I see if it helps and wait and see what happens?

I really don't wanna give an ultimatum. I don't even know if I could bring myself to do that. If its gotten to the point where I'm giving an ultimatum is the relationship pretty much doomed? I mean has anyone ever actually given an ultimatum and managed to keep the relationship alive?

Wibbs

You're not, nor should you be her shrink. Even if somehow you ended up "fixing" her(you won't BTW) you'd not be thanked for it. If she doesn't see a problem in this, then it's not going to change. IMHO she's using you as an emotional punchbag to relieve her own emotional stress. Common enough. This you really don't need and no amount of love on your part will fix this. It'll likely enable it as you walk around on eggshells and continue to take her outbursts. She knows you will and continues to do so. What does this tell you of her level of insight, her level of empathy for you?

You say you want to spend your lifetime with her? Imagine that for a lifetime. Oh with age she'll mellow somewhat but this tendency will still be there. Aggressive personalities at 20 are less so at 40 but it's still there, they're just better at covering it up publicly, ditto for whiners and very much so for self centred people.

Miss Fluff

stressedbf wrote: »

While I was out I decided to ring my Dad for some advice (I was incredibily stressed by her behaviour) while I was on the phone to my Dad she left me a voicemail. Saying she was gone out for a walk and didn't know where she was going, crying. It was kinda weird to be honest.

What a nasty, manipulative little madam she is. All this hysteria is a. for attention and b. because she clearly has some bigger, more deep-rooted mental health issues at play. And I hate to say it, but she clearly can't care about you all that much if she leaves messages like that for you and insist that her own exams are way more important than yours will ever be. Because that's what she is doing. Every time she goes postal and demands your attention she is clearly demonstrating to you she doesn't give a rat's ass about how well you do, it's all about her. If you want to stay with this girl then be prepared to be her emotional punchbag for every single thing in her life that doesn't go her way. Maybe time for some tough decisions hon.

ElleEm

stressedbf wrote: »

I am thinking and I can't believe I'm actually thinking about this but should I give her an ultimatum? She means alot to me I want to spend the rest of my life with her but I don't wanna spend the rest of my life trying to no avail to calm her down everytime she is under a little bit of stress.

This would solve nothing.

If your relationship is fine otherwise, why wouldn't it be your natural reaction to help her find better ways to cope with stress? I can't believe you'd throw it all away cos she gets panicked about her exams.

She isn't doing it on purpose. She maybe just has never learnt other ways to cope with stress. It would be REALLY unhelpful for you to "give her an ultimatum" about it. What are you gonna say "Stop getting stressed or I'll break up with you"?

Sit down and tell her how you feel, CALMLY. Tell her you are concerned for her and how she manages her stress. Get her to look up stress management techniques on the internet. There are herbal remedies she can take. She could begin meditating, deep breathing, going for walks, taking breaks etc.

If she doesn't believe she needs to change her ways of managing stress, THEN you need to get into serious talks about your future and ability to deal with it.

Wibbs

It seems he's already tried this

stressedbf wrote:

I have asked her before if she would consider counselling but she is admant that she doesnt need.

and he seems to reckon that she'll say the same again

Like I said she'll probably say she's just going to study earlier etc and she doesnt need help.

. And it hasn't worked.

He is not her shrink. This is the important part. Too many men(and women) make this mistake and don't see the distinction between loving support and trying to provide ill judged therapy while ending up stressed themselves. Yes he is her support if she sees she has a problem and is willing to confront it. If not he's still Mr Emotional Punchbag.

I'd put good money it's not just around exam times either. Channeling Mystic Meg I'll predict he's dealing with a low level background whine on a relatively regular if not weekly basis. He's just gotten used to it. Where it's really hit home for him now is from newly living together. He's getting it undiluted. I'll further predict that she'll still deny she's got a problem. Well if this stuff has worked for her up to now she'll simply not see it as a problem. It's worked with him up to now too. I'd disagree about her parents not putting some pressure, maybe subtle and not so obvious, because if this is her and her sisters stress handling default she didn't lick it from a stone.

Moomoo1

ElleEm wrote: »

If your relationship is fine otherwise, why wouldn't it be your natural reaction to help her find better ways to cope with stress? I can't believe you'd throw it all away cos she gets panicked about her exams.

I agree - if you really 'love someone to bits', then you would understand that at certain testing times of their lives you should stop thinking about yourself and try to help them, and if that means temporarily putting up with abnormal behaviour, so be it. It would be selfish not to.

For me, my exams were a stress virtually like no other, and if someone like the OP started giving me ultimatums instead of 100% support then the sense of betrayal I'd feel would have been comparable to anything else out there.

Granted, I didn't do what she is doing but then I am a guy.

Moomoo1

stressedbf wrote: »

Thanks for the reply.

I have actually been up all night trying to figure out if her behaviour has actually affected my results. Just reading back on the post and your reply I think it has. I end up spending more time trying to calm her down than I do studying!!

perhaps you should tell her that when you need to study, you need to study, say between certain hours of the day (9 to 5?): go to library, turn phone off and just block her out.

'I need to study' is a much more reasonable argument than 'I cannot stand your hysterics'.

WANTStoWORK

Perhaps her GP might be able to help your GF, My sister got so stressed before exams that she went to her GP and he prescribed her medication to calm her down, it not your GF's fault or your fault. Worth a shot. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Sorry, I have to disagree. I don’t think she is manipulative or childish. It sounds more like she has a hard time coping with some types of pressure – which I think happens to all of us. Maybe she can deal really well with “real crap”, but once it comes to her academical achievements, she is very insecure.

I know a lot of girls who freak out wondering whether they are good mothers. Others, wondering whether their cooking is any good. Others, whether they are too fat, or well-dressed, etc etc . So your gf feels like she must always succeed academically. How is that childish? A bit messed up, maybe (who isn’t messed up in this life?), but I fail to see the immaturity of it.

On the contrary. If she was immature, she would be partying, drinking, and not giving a damn whether she succeeds or not. And expecting you to support her.

I can kind of understand where she comes from. I don’t know what the reason is, but it sounds like she is extremely hard on herself when it comes to results, and that is where her “drama” comes from. I don’t think she is putting up a show for attention. I think she is genuinely suffering.

As a couple – even though we are not each other’s shrink – I do think we should try to support each other and make each other stronger, even if we can’t quite conceive or understand how something might be so important or scary to them.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but if she is a perfectionist, I would guess that, exams apart, she is actually really attentive/thoughtful in most aspects of your relationship?

All those books “girls are from venus, guys are from mars” say guys try to “solve problems” when they share things that make them anxious, while girls want mostly understanding and comfort. Have you tried to just give her a big hug and say, “I believe in you. If only you could see it from where I’m standing…you would be so confident on yourself! You will make it…and if you don’t… I’ll be still here and it doesn’t really matter” ?

I know it sounds tacky, but you’d be surprised how it could help!! Or if you are so calm and organised about your exams, maybe you could sit down with her and help her to prepare a realistic timetable for studying?

Sorry, I don’t think a relationship is something only for fun and whenever someone is going through a rough spot we should just say, “oh, too bad, go talk to a shrink, I really can’t deal with it right now”.

Moomoo said, “For me, my exams were a stress virtually like no other, and if someone like the OP started giving me ultimatums instead of 100% support then the sense of betrayal I'd feel would have been comparable to anything else out there.”

I have to agree 200%!!

Tbh, if I were in your gfs shoes, I would be tempted to say, “if this guy doesn’t even support me now when I’m so afraid of exams, what is he going to do when “real crap” comes up?” and I would walk away.

Wibbs

whatisthepointttt wrote: »

Sorry, I have to disagree. I don’t think she is manipulative or childish. It sounds more like she has a hard time coping with some types of pressure – which I think happens to all of us. Maybe she can deal really well with “real crap”, but once it comes to her academical achievements, she is very insecure.

There is insecure and there's this;

stressedbf wrote: »

She was constantly crying about how she was going to fail etc. Proper hysterics like.

stressedbf wrote:

She goes into pure hysterics breaking down crying every few minutes. There is no positivity

stressedbf wrote:

while I was on the phone to my Dad she left me a voicemail. Saying she was gone out for a walk and didn't know where she was going, crying. It was kinda weird to be honest.

That's simply not a normal reaction to stress. It's an immature and self focused reaction. She knows she's affecting him... well she either doesn't have enough insight to know or knows and subconsciously feeds off it or a little from column A and a little from column B.

On the contrary. If she was immature, she would be partying, drinking, and not giving a damn whether she succeeds or not. And expecting you to support her.

Different kind of immaturity, hers appears to be more the emotional kind. In any event that's neither an explanation nor an excuse IMH. It's not an either or kinda deal. Sails very close to the rocks of "oh well I could be worse".

Correct me if I’m wrong, but if she is a perfectionist, I would guess that, exams apart, she is actually really attentive/thoughtful in most aspects of your relationship?

Well apparently this behaviour is not limited to just exams...

stressedbf wrote:

Its not just exams though. Any bit of stress seems to knock her down and she can only see the negative outcomes. I have asked her before if she would consider counselling but she is admant that she doesnt need.

Now if the OPs descriptions are accurate, this is her baseline response to stress and she must be quite oblivious to how her OTT behaviour is affecting others. Again self focused thinking. Or she is aware but has gotten herself into an emotional feedback loop. "I freak, he listens, consoles then freaks" kinda thing. If so then not really his place to untangle that lot, nor will he have the tools to do so.

All those books “girls are from venus, guys are from mars” say guys try to “solve problems” when they share things that make them anxious, while girls want mostly understanding and comfort. Have you tried to just give her a big hug and say, “I believe in you. If only you could see it from where I’m standing…you would be so confident on yourself! You will make it…and if you don’t… I’ll be still here and it doesn’t really matter” ?

Apparently he's tried similar enough

stressedbf wrote:

No matter how much I try to console her nothing helps she just goes on and on about how she is going to fail no matter what I do or try to say to her. We've been together now for 3 lots of exams and its been the same everytime.

I may be wrong but I'll put good money that the above won't work or work for long. Not if she feeds on her internal coping mechanism and his external feedback. Been in similar to the OP's situation(exams, job interviews, jobs, new directions in education or employment were her triggers) and have observed similar with others. It can be terribly wearing on the object of this stuff. In my case with one ex pretty much nothing would relax her when she was up to high do(inc the above suggestion). However her next boyfriend reduced it a lot. How? He stopped trying, largely ignored her and didn't feed her emotions. He refused to be the straight man in her internal tragedy. She calmed down a lot, especially around him. Way more than with me. It is very very easy to fall into the trap of doing too much with this kind of personality in men or women.

Tbh, if I were in your gfs shoes, I would be tempted to say, “if this guy doesn’t even support me now when I’m so afraid of exams, what is he going to do when “real crap” comes up?” and I would walk away.

TBH if I was the OP, I'd be thinking "if this woman gets so wired up and hysterical over exams, is also baseline negative to any stress, what's she gonna be like when real crap comes up? Will I be listening to a low level whine with occasional hysterical outbursts and floods of tears for the rest of this relationship? ".

It would be my opinion that there is the notion afoot and a blind acceptance that the ladies are over emotional and this just is part and parcel of the deal. That too many men just accept the BS you hear of "beeatches be crazy" and some women use it as an excuse. I certainly thought that when younger. Now I don't. Too often it's a cover for self focused, oft times self centred and sometimes downright selfish behaviour in particular women(and men but it usually comes out differently). As I said in some women. It can even be in some relationships even with the same woman. It's more prevalent in younger women(immaturity), but and I can't stress this enough It is most certainly not all women. Not by a loooong shot.

What I'm basically saying is this stuff is her problem that has become his. He is not her solution, nor should he have to be. She is a grown person who should take responsibility for her emotions and more, take responsibility for her reactions to those emotions. He should support her in trying to do that and she will have ups and downs like anyone, but he can't "cure" her, nor is he her saviour. Too many couples run that dynamic and rarely for the good of either.

Moomoo1

you seem to repeat this idea that exams are somehow 'nor real crap'. I think you are very wrong there. For many people, that's as 'real crap' as it comes. Academic stuff gets people in very different ways from 'real life' stuff in any case.

bottom line is, a real man should just provide support at times that are trying and difficult for his partner. Going on instead about what is a normal reaction to stress and what is not, and what might be self-centred and what isn't is just to me very unmanly, and possibly quite selfish as well. Your small inconvenience of having to deal with whining and hysterics simply pales into insignificance compared to the problems of your partner at difficult times.

I am a friend

So you knew she was like this before you moved in with her so why did you move in with her? By making more commitment in the relationship you are validating her behaviour.

Wibbs

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you seem to repeat this idea that exams are somehow 'nor real crap'.

If you're addressing my posts, nope, that's your perception not reality. I never said exams weren't real crap. The only mention I made was in response to and paraphrasing whatisthepointttt's "what I might think as the woman" example. She was the poster who made the distinction.

In any event the trigger is not the issue, it's how she responds to said triggers that's the issue. For him and most of all her. Worrying over exams, getting very stressed over them is normal. Crying hysterically on a regular basis and taking out demons on ones partner is not the normal response of a mature well balanced individual.

bottom line is, a real man should just provide support at times that are trying and difficult for his partner.

Oh the "real man" line. So a "real man" sits there sucking up negativity while his partner fires it out without filters and he's supposed to suck it up? I singularly disagree with that. It puts the real man in the role of parent to a child. A "real man" is supportive certainly, he is not nor ever should be an emotional punching bag. Goes for women taking this kinda guff too. The OP has clearly stated that this is both an acute and chronic thing. Three times with exams she's done this and "Any bit of stress seems to knock her down and she can only see the negative outcomes". That's a lot of support.

OK Put it another way? Lets imagine the OP was a woman and her boyfriend was acting hysterical and crying and shouting and walking off because he wasn't getting attention. That he was refusing point blank to see any problem with his overall negativity in relation to stress even in his in extremis moments. I'll bet the farm you wouldn't be saying a "real woman" should automatically provide support. I'd put a further bet that you'd advise any one of your women mates to run a mile if one of their boyfriends was acting thus and not acknowledging his issues or seeking to change these behaviors in himself. You'd be dead right too. So why should men accept this guff from some women?

Going on instead about what is a normal reaction to stress and what is not, and what might be self-centred and what isn't is just to me very unmanly, and possibly quite selfish as well.

Ahh the "unmanly" defence to add to the "real man" stuff. Riiight. So its OK to act like an immature child? After all the man or woman will take it? Pardon me if I call shenanigans.

Your small inconvenience of having to deal with whining and hysterics simply pales into insignificance compared to the problems of your partner at difficult times.

Small inconvenience? Maybe you should read the OP's posts. The OP has stated it has affected him emotionally and affected his exams. That it's wrecking his head to the point that he's considering ultimatums even though he loves her and is living with her? Small inconvenience? Hardly. But I suppose that's ok if he's a real man and takes it.

If you've never lived with or been around a personality like this I can tell you it is incredibly head wrecking and draining and no matter what you do or say you've got a low level whine a constant in the background to any stress in their lives. It wrecked my head and I luckily got out of it, I've seen men(and women) end up married to such people who haven't sorted their own heads out and headwrecking doesn't begin to describe it.

I am a friend wrote:

So you knew she was like this before you moved in with her so why did you move in with her? By making more commitment in the relationship you are validating her behaviour.

+1. If she is this bad she requires an enabler and it's an easy thing to slip into too.

Baked.noodle

There's no question that her behavior is unacceptable. If you love her you will tell her she needs to change, then give her the chance to change. An ultimatum is exactly whats required. Just don't expect her to change over night.

Moomoo1

Wibbs wrote: »

In any event the trigger is not the issue, it's how she responds to said triggers that's the issue. For him and most of all her. Worrying over exams, getting very stressed over them is normal. Crying hysterically on a regular basis and taking out demons on ones partner is not the normal response of a mature well balanced individual.

sure, her response could be better, but no one's perfect. There are time imho when it's ok to act a bit emotional, and exams are one of those. If she for example did this over every little thing (eg a torn dress or a broken cup) then you are right, that is over the top, but this is not.

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh the "real man" line. So a "real man" sits there sucking up negativity while his partner fires it out without filters and he's supposed to suck it up? I singularly disagree with that. It puts the real man in the role of parent to a child. A "real man" is supportive certainly, he is not nor ever should be an emotional punching bag. Goes for women taking this kinda guff too. The OP has clearly stated that this is both an acute and chronic thing. Three times with exams she's done this and "Any bit of stress seems to knock her down and she can only see the negative outcomes". That's a lot of support.

OK Put it another way? Lets imagine the OP was a woman and her boyfriend was acting hysterical and crying and shouting and walking off because he wasn't getting attention. That he was refusing point blank to see any problem with his overall negativity in relation to stress even in his in extremis moments. I'll bet the farm you wouldn't be saying a "real woman" should automatically provide support. I'd put a further bet that you'd advise any one of your women mates to run a mile if one of their boyfriends was acting thus and not acknowledging his issues or seeking to change these behaviors in himself. You'd be dead right too. So why should men accept this guff from some women?

yeah, well men and women are different. It's more ok for a woman to act the way she is acting than for a guy. But that's not the point. The point is, at times in one's life you have to cut people some slack. He has to cut her some slack.

Wibbs wrote: »

Ahh the "unmanly" defence to add to the "real man" stuff. Riiight. So its OK to act like an immature child? After all the man or woman will take it? Pardon me if I call shenanigans. Small inconvenience? Maybe you should read the OP's posts. The OP has stated it has affected him emotionally and affected his exams. That it's wrecking his head to the point that he's considering ultimatums even though he loves her and is living with her? Small inconvenience? Hardly. But I suppose that's ok if he's a real man and takes it.

so it's his reaction that is the problem, not her. He needs to learn to react better to this sort of thing (see below).

Wibbs wrote: »

If you've never lived with or been around a personality like this I can tell you it is incredibly head wrecking and draining and no matter what you do or say you've got a low level whine a constant in the background to any stress in their lives. It wrecked my head and I luckily got out of it, I've seen men(and women) end up married to such people who haven't sorted their own heads out and headwrecking doesn't begin to describe it.

it's easy, you just block it out. Go somewhere quiet where you won't be disturbed for x hours during the day. You don't have to reassure and calm down your partner 24/7, but some of the time in the day you should devote to that.

Ickle Magoo

stressedbf wrote: »

Thanks for the reply.

I have actually been up all night trying to figure out if her behaviour has actually affected my results. Just reading back on the post and your reply I think it has. I end up spending more time trying to calm her down than I do studying!!

That's just not right - and what worries me is it seems you are the only person in the partnership who has to be thoughtful and unselfish and self-reliant - which just isn't healthy.

Tbh, the very least you should be doing is looking for somewhere else to live so you get the results you deserve to get. If you are having such mammoth doubts and repetitive issues after only a couple of years together, I'd be wary about letting your girlfriend and her issues affect your study results - something you could well be relying on long after she's out the picture.

All the best.

Neyite

Moomoo1 wrote: »

...yeah, well men and women are different. It's more ok for a woman to act the way she is acting than for a guy. But that's not the point. The point is, at times in one's life you have to cut people some slack. He has to cut her some slack.

so it's his reaction that is the problem, not her. He needs to learn to react better to this sort of thing (see below).

:eek: Seriously? So by virtue of a vagina we can treat men badly? because that is what the OP's girlfriend is doing to him - what about his exams? He is going through the very same as her. How the hell can he "react better" to her?

I treat people how I would like to be treated, with respect. My partner and I have had job losses, financial problems, deaths, major life saving surgery, serious disability, infertility and tragedy happen to family members and ourselves all in the space of a few years and have never had a situation where somebody gets hysterical and takes it out on the other person. Its not what mature adults do. Sh!t happens and you have to just deal with it.

Wibbs

Moomoo1 wrote: »

sure, her response could be better, but no one's perfect. There are time imho when it's ok to act a bit emotional, and exams are one of those. If she for example did this over every little thing (eg a torn dress or a broken cup) then you are right, that is over the top, but this is not.

Have you read the OP? The chap states that she is negative outside of the exam stress.

yeah, well men and women are different. It's more ok for a woman to act the way she is acting than for a guy.

Maybe in the 1950's. Nice get out of jail free card for emotionally immature people, in this case women.

But that's not the point.

Actually it is. You're basically suggesting women should get an easier ride if they act like children. "Ah sure you know ladies are over emotional and have little control over their emotions". That's incredibly demeaning to other non hysterical adult women and more expected from the lips of old fashioned chauvinist. Though these days they've just changed labels and are either immature self centered women or whitenighter men out to save a damsel in distress. Indeed I was the latter for a period in my 20's. Daft fool that I was.

The point is, at times in one's life you have to cut people some slack. He has to cut her some slack.

Or you know she actually does some growing up or gets help to do so. Now the OP and his partner are young, so I'd cut her(and his reaction) some slack on the back of it, but if people are acting like this beyond college years then somethings very wrong.

so it's his reaction that is the problem, not her. He needs to learn to react better to this sort of thing (see below).

Eh wut? Right so someone goes off on an emotional meltdown and their partner is to sit back and take this. That the person bears no responsibility for acting like a over emotional child?

it's easy, you just block it out. Go somewhere quiet where you won't be disturbed for x hours during the day. You don't have to reassure and calm down your partner 24/7, but some of the time in the day you should devote to that.

If I felt the need to calm someone down on a daily basis I'd be looking for the services of a shrink or a babysitter and quickly followed by the door. In that order.

Neyite wrote:

Seriously? So by virtue of a vagina we can treat men badly?

Oh it's sadly quite a common meme with some out there N.

Its not what mature adults do. Sh!t happens and you have to just deal with it.

+1000. In this forum I very rarely suggest rethinking the whole relationship. It's too quick(and common) a response around here at times, but quite honestly(and given her sister is the same) I'd be doing so in this case.

LegacyUser

I, myself, am an incredibly emotionally unstable girl. I know that my reactions to certain things and OTT behaviour have put a strain on my relationship and I don't think my OH should have to deal with it. I admitted that I had a problem and started attending counselling because it had gone too far, but even then it hadn't gotten as bad as what the OP is going through.

Giving an ultimatum won't work. She will probably just freak out at you and it will cause more trouble. You do need to sit her down and tell her that you actually can't handle it anymore. Tell her that she has to get help because it's putting a strain on the relationship and you're afraid of where it's going. Make sure she knows you will support her, but she needs to meet you half way and get help. You should not have to put up with that at all.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

yeah, well men and women are different. It's more ok for a woman to act the way she is acting than for a guy. But that's not the point. The point is, at times in one's life you have to cut people some slack. He has to cut her some slack.

Are you actually serious? No, it is not more ok for a woman to act like that. Not at all. I wasn't as bad as what the OP described but it was childish and selfish of me to use my OH as an emotional punching bag. Clearly the OP did cut her some slack since he's put up with it 3 times, now it's time for her to cut him some slack. If she cared about him at all she'd take a serious look at how she's behaving and how it's affecting him. He shouldn't have to deal with this alone, it's very unfair on him.

Ickle Magoo

Okay, as the OP hasn't been back to this thread in a couple of weeks, I'm locking. :cool: