Insights What's going on here ?

LegacyUser

Ok So I met this girl - God don't they all start with that :-)

Date 1 Drinks, great conversation, kiss goodnight.

Date 2 Food, drinks, great conversation, clubbing, went to mine and did the bold bit

That was 5 weeks ago, All good so far, we've now been out a few more times, she's stayed over, I've stayed over etc.
I broached the "we as an item" conversation at the weekend and got a mumbled yes.

Problem is she doesent give any indication of what she's thinking, no compliments, very shy every time we meet, till the drinks get to work, then great fun, but still so guarded its not funny. No sex hangups, accepts when asked out on another date, texts every day, but its all routine stuff, no feelings or emotions at all on display. Ever.
I'm pretty sure she's not dating other guys, unless she's the worlds best liar.
She does proclaim to "like me" and to be "interested", but thats as much as I get.
She has a past history of dating guys who cheated, and one who wasn't what he said he was. If she's badly hurt though she's hiding it well.

Now, Ive been around the block long enough to have seen most of the stuff you get in relationships, but I'm unsure if this is a case of "not that into you" or just being guarded and careful not to get hurt again, as I'm making it well obvious that I really like her a lot.

So guys, what do you think ?

John Mason

have you told her how you feel?

Taltos

Not trying to be a killjoy here - but it sounds like you are only going out 5 to 7 weeks tops. With that in mind - why not just take it easy and lay off the pressure?

If she has been cheated on in the past then it is only natural for her to be guarded - and putting more pressure on her to declare her undying love is just going to push her away.

My suggestion is to take it easy, allow her to open up in her own time and try not to overanalyse things - that being said if you are four months down the line and still getting -"I like you" or "I am fond of you" - well at that point it would not be unreasonable to ask where you both stand.

Lon Dubh

Maybe give it a little more time before getting too worried? Maybe she is still making up her own mind? It could mean she is not feeling it too much (yet at least), but on the other hand because of the history there is a good chance she is just taking it slowly and carefully. She might be a bit guarded until she gets to know people better. The fact that she is coming across as shy I think points in this direction. The only thing that would worry me slightly is the mumbled yes, though on the other hand it was a yes.

I am quite guarded myself and sometimes it gives people the wrong impression (e.g. last boyfriend initially thought I was not that into him and I really liked him), though once I get used to someone I am ok (I think!).

I would be inclined to leave her a while before pressing her too much. However I think a conversation about being exclusive should be ok at this point (without her feeling pressure to declare her undying love or anything ).

The texts she just might not be that good at so I wouldn't worry about them, but if after a few months she is still not giving you any emotional feedback when she is with you then that would be another story (and then you could tell her it is bothering you. If she has a habit of not expressing herself much emotionally she might not be aware of how her own behaviour is coming across). But I would chill for now.

Miss Fluff

Sounds to me like she is being extra cautious. I have been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt so I understand totally where she is coming from.

Be patient, don't put any pressure on her, and just let things unfold organically. It is VERY early days and she wouldn't continue to see you if she wasn't interested.

butterfly84

"very shy every time we meet"

There's your answer.I'm the same sort of person myself.It took me months to be comfortable with my boyfriend (by that I mean that he saw the same person all the friends I have years know that I am).Im quiet but not quiet when you get to know me : )

Maybe give her some time to open up and try to be understanding that not everyone is outgoing and finds it easy to open up to a new person at the start.Just give her a chance if you like her.Maybe you can even ask her if this is the issue?If it is she could just be relieved if you still want to be with her and she doesnt have to display feelings shes not ready to just to hold on to you.

neveah

Agree with the other posters, if she's been hurt in the past she is probably just threading carefully with this new relationship. She might be holding herself back a bit and you are obviously falling fast so this may be why you have noticed a difference in both your attitudes and behaviours. It's very early days so try not to worry, you are still getting to know each other. Sounds like everything else is going according to plan, regular dates, texting, meeting up, sex. All positive so go with the flow and enjoy it, it does sound like she is into you and she likes you

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Just thought I'd give my two cents since I am actually currently in the position this girl is in. I got out of a long term relationship about 6 months ago where I was cheated on and hurt badly. I've recently started seeing someone new, for a few weeks now. I have to say I really genuinely like the guy, but I'm also acting quite similar to your girlfriend. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think I'm just finding it hard to put myself out there, so to speak, because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. It can be a very hard thing to recover from being cheated on and I think I'm keeping this guy at armslength. Sometimes I think I'm even trying to convince myself I don't care in case he turns out to be an ass. I can only assume in time this will change. But my advice is to continue seeing her, be patient and in time she may open up to you. It really is very early days.

LegacyUser

unregisteredem wrote: »

Hey OP,

Just thought I'd give my two cents since I am actually currently in the position this girl is in. I got out of a long term relationship about 6 months ago where I was cheated on and hurt badly. I've recently started seeing someone new, for a few weeks now. I have to say I really genuinely like the guy, but I'm also acting quite similar to your girlfriend. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think I'm just finding it hard to put myself out there, so to speak, because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. It can be a very hard thing to recover from being cheated on and I think I'm keeping this guy at armslength. Sometimes I think I'm even trying to convince myself I don't care in case he turns out to be an ass. I can only assume in time this will change. But my advice is to continue seeing her, be patient and in time she may open up to you. It really is very early days.

8-0 what you doing here !! Ha

we met up tonight and chatted and watched a movie, and I'm feeling much more confident that it's what most posters have thought. Self preservation. I got the feeling that a chink has opened, little things like "when you know me better" and a couple of little compliments with big emphasis.
I'm playing it light, non-pushy, but making it clear I see further time together too.
To answer an earlier question, I have told her that I see her as somebody who could potentially be in my life for a long time if things go well between us. I compliment her appearance and personality regularly.
I think all I gotta do now is not blow it and wait for her to catch up if she's feeling it.
If she isn't then it's curtains anyway, so what the hell.
By the way, I'm not in puppy love or anything, just really like her, and admire the person she appears to be so far.
Thanks to all who posted so far, I was just being impatient to know, and your collective opinion seems to tally with what I saw & heard tonight.