Communication Problems

LegacyUser

My fiancé and I have been in a long distance relationship for over four years now. The plan has always been for him to move here (to Ireland) but with the proverbial hitting the fan and no job prospects, plus he can’t sell his property in the UK, that’s on the long finger for now. Nevertheless, as it’s just UK/Ireland so we see each other regularly and manage very well all things considered.

One thing that’s always complicated things is that he works shifts. One week he’s on earlies, next week days, next week nights and repeat. The weeks he’s on nights are hard as by the time I get home from work, he’s in work so we end up not speaking (only texts and e-mails) for a few days at a time. I can talk in work but he sleeps most of the day so it’s just like ships passing in the night. That’s not even the problem but I think it’s worth mentioning as I think it might have partly led to the problem.

The issue is that he seems to have fallen out of the habit of talking on the phone … full stop. He sends me e-mails with details of everything that’s going on but when we speak on the phone (when I call him) he has no news and I do all the talking. There’s been a couple of times lately where I’ve had the distinct impression that I’m almost disturbing his peace and quiet if I call him spontaneously.

I’m particularly upset at the moment because he just sent me a long e-mail at work with (amongst several other important and not so important things) graphic details about how ill his mother is, how she was at the hospital yesterday and how upset he is about it. He says he wished I’d called him last night and he didn’t call me as he didn’t want to put me on a downer as I seemed to be having a nice evening.

It must have taken him at least 40 minutes to type it all up (two fingered). I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just call me (last night and/or today) to talk about something so important.

I know that we can get settled and comfy in a relationship sometimes and maybe don’t speak as often as we could/should but surely if something important happens he could pick up the phone? Why would he say “I was hoping you’d call”, sit there feeling miserable all evening and then dump it all in an e-mail the next day, guilt-tripping me?

I’ve never left him with the impression that he would disturb me, the exact opposite in fact. I’ve told him time and time again I can talk whenever he wants and specifically said I don’t want to read anything important from an e-mail, I want to hear it from him. I’m actually quite upset about his mum (who I really care about) and hated reading that stuff in an e-mail.

I’ve spoken to him about this several times over the years but the latest e-mail (and the importance of the content) really makes me wonder what’s the f’cking point! I can cope with being in a long distance relationship but not if we can’t have actual conversations about important stuff as well as trivial stuff. I have no problem with e-mail in general, we both love writing and they’re great to read back afterwards, but the bulk of our communication seems to be done this way, at the cost of actually talking about things.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Smashhits

Skype, honestly in this day & age there is no excuse for not communicating. Myself and my OH were on opposite shifts for 2 years when we met first. When I was on days he was on nights and vice versa. We rang each other every day sometimes 2-3 times a day, until I changed jobs and that made life a lot easier on us.

I can understand why you would feel frustrated but get online and speak to him about it. There is no reason why you cannot organise a time when he is on nights that will sync up for both of you.

In his deffence he may have been so upset about his mum that he wasn't up to talking and that's why he put it in email?

Fittle

I hope you don't think I'm being too cynical here OP, but anytime I've been in a relationship and the texts or emails kept coming, but there were few phone calls, alarm bells started ringing. Is there a possibility there are reasons he can't ring i.e. could he be in company?

LegacyUser

Thanks Smashhits. But the problem is I can't get him to call at all, never mind 2/3 times a day! I guess we ARE communicating, just not verbally. And I think you're right, he's not in the best of form when he's on nights (this week) anyway as he's constantly tired. So maybe that, on top of his Mum's problem, meant he didn't feel like talking ... except that it's not just this time. This is just the incident that upset me and drove me to post here. [sigh]

I see what you're saying Fittle but I genuinely don't believe that's the problem. I thought it may just be that he doesn't like talking on the phone too much but we used to talk for hours, although that would have been when we weren't seeing each other so regularly.

I dunno, I guess I just think the e-mail is a bit ... well, juvenile. I think grown-ups should talk to each other.

I'll talk to him about it again. Thanks.