what's wrong with me!!!!

LegacyUser

I don't know why im writing this with the exception to just getting rid of some frustration!!!! I have been used, and whats worse I know I was used but still allowed it regardless by someone I regarded as my best friend!! And I feel like im just a piece of s**t!!

Im a guy, 23 and shes a girl 22 and weve just finished college. Im lucky in a way i have a huge circle of friends to call upon but she was 1) a girl i was in love with but I knew she wasnt into me and accepted that and was ok with that fact 2) it was nice having a girl call me everyday

But i did so much for her and she reciprocated with very little gratitude for all i did. I fell out with 2 or 3 of my friends for her because she didnt like them and would get thick with me for talking to them. In college I helped her so much, we were doing different courses but Id go out of my way to help her. Certain things she was doing id know a lot about and if I didnt Id go out of my way to figure out.id know people that did the course the year ahead and got notes/books of them for her. I made a huge imput into her FYP and she got an A which i was delighted for her. I even cancels plans i had with other people to help her with stuff and she would barely even say thanks. Eg She was on erasmus for a while and was coming back for a week in college here in Ireland for RAG week. She was flying in to her home town but her mother wouldnt take time of work to collect her, so she begged me to come down (an hour and a half from college) to collect her, being her back up to college and let her stay at mine. I had no problem at doing this and wouldnt charge her for petrol expenses or anything like that like I even paid for lunch everyday she stayed and got her drinks at night but the least I did expect was that she would at least get me one drink to show gratitude for eveything which she didnt.

Also another time I live in the midlands and it was a mutual friends 21st up in donegal and she lives in kerry, she wanted a lift so i drove from my house down to kerry to collect her, drive back nearly past my house and up to donegal. Again i wouldnt have accepted money from her but i did expect she'd buy me a drink and again nothing!! she doesnt like public transport.

She relied on me alot during college and a lot of people commented on that. I am a generous person and am lucky i come from a financially secure backround and my parents pay for me which i am glad off. And i do treat my friends well too. This girl owes me a huge amount of money i lent her and i know i wont get it back and im not too bothered about that but its the principle. She is a diva sort of person and has a very short fuse(maybe the reason for her lack of friends!!) we have had several arguments but we did spend so much time together that would be inevitable!!I would be described as a calm person whereas she'd be hot tempered but during the summer we had a row over something very small and our mutual friends cant understand what she got thick over! i treated her like a princess and she treated me like a cash cow most of the time if im being honest with myself. She does have good points but would be seen to be a very selfish girl and i dont know why i like her so much and why im letting her bother me like this, I have tried contacting her a few times even started chats on facebook but she has rebuffed every chance i tried to talk to her and find out what her problem with me is.

Its graduation week soon and i would like to have it sorted by then because i dont want to leave college with any regrets..it was the best 4 years of my life and alot of my treasured memories would involve just me and her.

I know i need to just forget about her and move on but its sounds great in theory but is hard in practice...and i cant stop thinking about her lately. I have been busy and meet up with my other friends but any spare time she just pops into my head.

thanks for taking the time to read this,,,i dont even know what kind of advice im looking for!!

Johnny Favourite

I would advise you to read back over your own post..... and never talk to this horrible cow again.

Taltos

Also - as much as you want to blame her - there is one other person who deserves 50% of your anger. - YOU.
You kept saying yes, so what did you expect her to to - she was/is never going to cop on to how bad she is as long as folk enable her.

Hopefully you can recover your friendships - but stay away from these one-sided fake friendships, it was clear from your first line nothing was ever going to happen there - and being the nice guy was not going to change this.

Congrats on finishing college - now put her and users like her behind you for good.

Magicmatilda

Firstly you need to accept that you choose to do all this stuff for her. At any point you could have said No. You are not incapable of saying NO but you chose not to. So you can't very well blame HER now for everything YOU did.

That said she seems to have been willing to accept all this knowing that you were in love with her, I assume she knew? A nice person in my opinion does not do that. So Overall you are probably well rid of her. Stop trying to contact her and move on. Find someone who will appreciate your good nature rather than take advantage of it. You are at a point in your life where everything id probably going to be changing, you will be getting a job, or going abroad or whatever, so you will have plenty of opportunity to meet new people and make some truely good friends.

Leave her behind and enjoy your life, it really is too short to be wasting

thefeatheredcat

There's nothing wrong with you, at all.

The first thing you need to do is read back over your post as already suggested, acknowledge her behaviour and draw a line underneath it and refuse to let anyone treat you like that again.

I don't mean don't extend your generosity and kindness, just don't over-extend it to people who will take advantage of it, as this girl did.

You've learnt a very valuable lesson at a very young age, and make sure you learn from this. Acknowledge what happened, accept what happened, dust yourself down, know that there are people out there who aren't like her and won't treat people like that/take advantage of you.

Keep yourself busy, I've read that here many times it is the best way forward. Put yourself first, look after yourself as priority number 1 and forget about this girl. Concentrate on the friends you have, and leave her to whatever she is doing, concentrate on rebuilding friendships with others.

One thing - if you harbour any resentment/anger towards her, get it out of your system in a physical activity or channel it into things, turn it into a positive thing by focusing on yourself and putting that energy into the future, and it will be a positive future you can build for yourself.

ManOfMystery

You are not in love with this girl.

You can't be. She gives nothing back to you. She uses you emotionally & financially . She sees you as a crutch, and a cash cow. She doesn't even have the tact to try and contain her temper for fear of losing all the assistance she gets from you, because she knows you'll keep coming back for more. She is a leech.

What you are actually in love with is the idea of what this girl and you could become. That you could somehow have this perfect relationship. I think you know deep down that's not going to happen, or it would have by now. And even if you did both get into some kind of boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I think it's also painfully obvious that any pressure she puts on you for money/lifts/help/etc now would be multiplied tenfold if she was actually your girlfriend.

Cut her out of your life completely, she is doing you no good. Move on. There are 6+ billion people on this planet, and plenty of genuine, honest and attractive girls out there who will give you the respect you deserve and not see you as a walking ATM. Don't waste any more of your time or money on this one simply because you have a fantasy of something that will, in all likelihood, never happen.

Shill

Everyone's advice sounds like good advice. In trying to offer something different though, is there any way you can enjoy her company, and NOT be her go-to person for favors?

If you stick up for yourself and refuse her the money/lifts, etc, and she still wants to be your friend, then would that be good for you? But if she didn't want to hang around anymore, you'd know she definately isn't worth your time.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for all your advice.

On reading back over my post i know i might appear to be playing the victim but i dont wish to come out in that way. She was good to me when i was sick recently and i always liked her company even if it was her always complaining about stuff, i always sided with her and gave her advice.

@shill- that is exactly what I want!! I always did value our friendship and loved spending time with her just hanging out, laughing and in general just having a good time. She has told me several times in the past that i am her best friend. I know ive always done too much for her and i tried to stop doing that. I think that might be the reason for her not talking to me because i refused to do stuff for her and now she isnt talking to me because i never did/say anything to upset her. like last night i started a chat on facebook just saying; hi, how are you? she stayed online for a few mins but didnt respond to my chat and i guess she just makes me feel bad about myself!!

dundalkfc10

Johnny Favourite wrote: »

I would advise you to read back over your own post..... and never talk to this horrible cow again.

Thats the best advice your gonna get

thefeatheredcat

feelingdown wrote: »

I know ive always done too much for her and i tried to stop doing that. I think that might be the reason for her not talking to me because i refused to do stuff for her and now she isnt talking to me because i never did/say anything to upset her. like last night i started a chat on facebook just saying; hi, how are you? she stayed online for a few mins but didnt respond to my chat and i guess she just makes me feel bad about myself!!

well don't let yourself feel bad about it op! You've started to say NO to her, and she's probably not happy with being told NO for a change. If you do want to stay friends with her, then you have to stop doing stuff for her.

I've a sibling much like her, and they hate when they are told NO, they get really defensive and bitter about it, pander out all sort of guilt trips to get me to give in, storm off in tantrums and then completely avoid me (and I get peace and quiet as a result) don't call for days, don't communicate the usual. And then after they've realised and accepted I've said NO they're a bit wary but ok after a while and know then they can't ask/guilt trip me to doing something for them or twist me around their finger (and in the meantime have managed to manipulate someone else to do whatever I wouldn't do).

The key is not to crumble, and go running back to her when she avoids you and cuts contact for a while.... let her off avoiding you and don't feel bad about it.

You have done nothing wrong in refusing to do stuff for her and don't make yourself feel bad over it because you have absolutely no reason to feel bad, feel bad for saying no, or feel guilty for any reason whatsoever.

If you want to stay friends with her and not do favours/help her out all the time, it will be hard because she has to re-calculate her approach on asking for favours/expecting stuff being done for her and will have to find someone else to do it. Just make her aware very firmly that you will not do x, y, z for her but you value the friendship.... I'd be careful though, I suspect that now she knows she can't use you she might generally see a little less of her, so prepare yourself for that.

Red Hand

Man, what is wrong with you? Don't be such a doormat. She uses you and you do whatever she asks. Friendship is a two way street and she seems to give very little.

Find someone who respects you and don't bend over backwards for people either cause you will get very little thanks.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Look, you're being blinded by her. Just because you're into her. Don't beat yourself up too much about it- lots of us have done it, we bend over backwards for people just because we're into them. Even if they're not being a good friends to us.

Unfortunately, it never works being nice in this situation, and the other person is aware of their control of the situation.

Ask yourself : "would I do this for a pal if I don't fancy them?" For example, would you drive to Kerry to pick up your male friend Barry, and then go to Donegal...even if it wasn't give and take with him and he was a selfish twat? I doubt it. You will learn, as a lot of us have.

I remember giving stuff to a girl I liked...never got it back. Then you'd be having a chat with her and she'd forget which part of the city you lived in :P! It's ridiculous, we just do over the top crap for people we like.

Just find a person who likes you back and make the same effort for them. Then you're sailing !

This person is a user. Your mind will fight with you not to cut contact with her (because you're wired to fancy her) but trust me, you gotta!!! Best friends? Don't kid yourself dude. Be street smart, there are far better people out there, deserving of your good nature .

Firetrap

You don't realise it yet but it's for your own good that she seems to have cut you off. Perhaps now that you have finished college, she has no use for you any more. After reading what you've written, I hope she continues to ignore you until you come to your senses.

You sound like a lovely guy but your infatuation with her has turned you into her doormat. I've almost got a grudging admiration for how she was able to manipulate you and get you to do all sorts of things for her, yet give very little back.

It's time to learn how to use a very short, simple but effective word. No. Especially when it comes to this girl. It's an unhealthy relationship you have with her and the longer it continues, the longer it will inhibit you as an adult. Did you have any girlfriends in college? Are you even interested in meeting other girls while she's on the scene? Have a think about that.

LegacyUser

she doesnt like public transport.

Oh FFS ! Nobody likes public transport. She sounds like a little brat.

OP as you said yourself she is using you. But you are letting her. She's never going to get with you.

You can't 'sort it out' because the only model for this 'friendship' is her exploiting you. When you've once tentatively stood up for yourself she punished you with anger and then ignored you.

She only keeps you onside when you are useful. She won't change. You need to accept you can't make the situation right. She doesn't want a normal friendship, she wants to continue using you. That's all that is on offer.

Distorted

feelingdown wrote: »

1) a girl i was in love with but I knew she wasnt into me and accepted that and was ok with that fact 2) it was nice having a girl call me everyday

She is a diva sort of person and has a very short fuse(maybe the reason for her lack of friends!!)

She does have good points but would be seen to be a very selfish girl and i dont know why i like her so much and why im letting her bother me like this, I have tried contacting her a few times even started chats on facebook but she has rebuffed every chance i tried to talk to her and find out what her problem with me is.

Its graduation week soon and i would like to have it sorted by then because i dont want to leave college with any regrets..it was the best 4 years of my life and alot of my treasured memories would involve just me and her.

and i cant stop thinking about her lately. I have been busy and meet up with my other friends but any spare time she just pops into my head.

Be honest OP. You are totally obsessed with this girl. Fair enough, she does sound a bit of a user, but you have been happy to let her and she hasn't pretended to have any romantic interest in you, which some would have done. You have enabled it when anyone else, on taking such crap from a supposed "friend" would have stopped the contact or stopped the favours.

Making judgments about her like she doesn't have many friends and she is a diva is quite possibly your perception of her and yours alone (your description of dropping friends for her and trying to buy her affection is equally distasteful). Her take on it might be quite different. And to be honest, a lot of people cannot be bothered spending hours chatting on Facebook, when they have just clicked on for a bit to relax in the evenings and read status updates. It almost sounds like you are trying to control her a little bit and she is finding it a bit annoying...I know I would.

The solution is quite clear - drop the contact with her, move on with your life and learn not to let people use you in future, no matter how much you like them - keep a bit of basic self respect.