Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

Advice on extended family

  • 17-08-2011 10:49am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi All

    Not really an issue, but want some advice all the same :)

    Myself and OH live abroad the last 4 years, and have a terrible relationship with his parents. We have tried hard with them but with mental health and alcohol issues with his mother it has been impossible to maintain a relationship and we have ended up cutting them out. It is so bad that they did not attend our wedding this year even though both of their extended families were there.

    Our issue is this. Next week his sister, her partner and their four year old are coming to stay for a week. They are really lovely but because she is very reliant on their parents for childcare etc, he hasn't been able to have much of a relationship with her. Also they are probably dripping poison in her ear about us. This breaks both of our hearts, as even though my relationship with my parents isn't amazing I couldn't live without my siblings.

    I want advice on how we can show them the best time possible and continue to get to know them- we've never had people stay with us for a whole week, and never a child. I'm just afraid that because we are so used to having our own space, we (mainly I) may get cabin fever, have to cope with messy house/ damaged furniture, anything else that comes from having a four year old around. I know this seems petty but it's really important to both of us that this goes well. He will be at work for four of the days they're here, and off for four days, 2 days of which we have day trips planned. I will be off for all of it as I work freelance. I'm going to sit one of the day trips out as we only have 4 tickets and I figure I'll need a day off at that point :).

    Thanks in advance for your advice!


Comments

  • Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    I would imagine that if they are willing to spend a week with you, then they dont think too badly of you both. Chances are, they see the same issues causing the family rift and may see where you are coming from. No one would take a week of annual leave to travel abroad if they harboured any ill feelings.

    Research lots of things to do with a child - play areas, is there a zoo/aquarium they can visit, but not plan everything - maybe what to do is to gather all the local brochures to discuss when they get there, and decide as a group how best to plan your time.

    Also, have things that their child can play with when they get to yours. Books/puzzles /dvds as chances are they will be limited as to how many toys they can carry on the plane.

    Relax about any messes - just make sure breakables are high up or stored away - get down on your knees to see what is eye level to a child and if its dangerous or fragile, move it. Things like keys in doors in case they lock themselves in a room or whatever should be removed. Pretty sure the parenting forum would be able to give you lots of advise on childproofing. Once that is done, its just the odd spill to contend with.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I must add that they're quite young, she's 19 and he's 20, both are unemployed so without being nasty I think the free holiday with big brother has more to do with them being willing to spend a week with us than anything else. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've seen them since we left which we suspect may have something to do with my parents in law, although the last time we were home we definitely made some progress working on the relationship.

    We live in a nice residential area with a huge park, playground and petting farm close by so I will send them off on a picnic a couple of days maybe. There's a street party while they're here aswell so that will keep us occupied, our neighbours are very friendly and lots have children too.

    We can get dvds, although this might present it's own problem as at home he has a TV in his room and our house is quite small. Don't have access to toys/ puzzles/ games though :(. The two things we are doing are about the only days out that we can have, it's an industrial city so there isn't much else you can do without spending large amounts of money. This is also an issue as we are kind of expecting to have to foot the bill for everything. Mostly at the weekends we just work on the house and walk the dog as we're not loaded, so having to pay for everything for 5 plus entertainment that we wouldn't normally have will be a bit of a struggle.

    Thanks for the tip on childproofing, although the couch is the main thing we're worried about as it's our prized possession. Will just have to ban sticky fingers!!


  • Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    I printed off a heap of disney colouring pics from the disney website for babysitting, throw in a pack of crayons and your laughing! Maybe the parenting forum would have some ideas that you could do indoors on the cheap.

    Cover the sofa with a throw or some kind of blanket- there will be spills and paw prints no matter how careful a kid is - he is only 4.

    They may expect you to do a bit of babysitting to have some couple time, so you and your partner need to discuss what you both would be happy with so if it did come up, you wont get put on the spot in front of them.

    Hope it goes well for you, Good Luck!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The small fella isn't an issue, it's more having five people around all the time where there's usually just two.

    We just wanted advice on how to ensure that we're not all in eachother's faces too much, because as I said they're very important to us. We don't want to end up in a situation where we're getting on eachother's nerves. If it was people that we knew very well this wouldn't be an issue because we could just say f**k off and have a laugh but we're only getting to know them now and don't want to blow it if you know what I mean?

    Thanks for the tip about the disney website, we do have a few colouring books and the odd nerf gun/ hula hoop/ frisbee around the place for visitors.... Maybe us too a bit :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭evry1sm8


    Hi OP.
    Dont have any advice really but I really just wanted to say that I think you and your OH sound really, really lovely :)
    Its so nice what you are doing to get to know your partners sibling better, and Im sure because you seem to care so much that they have a good time (and you do too) that it will all go really well.
    Im sure they will really appreciate all you have done for them and have a really great time!
    Well done to both of you, anyone would be grateful to have sibling / in law like you guys!


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,014 ✭✭✭Baked.noodle


    Trivial pursuit, Pictionary etc. Activities are the key. You can get have a laugh while you get to know each other. Make a big fuss over the meals, but keep alcohol to a minimum. Get out for a group walk during the day, show the place. Enjoy yourself.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the compliment, but as I said I have five siblings who mean everything to me- even my OH is very close to a couple of them. He only has one sister, no- one else.

    His parents were a very damaging influence in his life, and he was raised mostly by aunts/uncles/ grandparents. There are 11 years between the two of them and things have got alot worse since he was younger. He is worried by the fact that she doesn't notice/ ignores the behaviour of his parents ie leaves her son with his half cut mother every day. We are glad to be away so that we don't have to make excuses for not wanting our future children to be around them, as we feel that they are not only a bad influence but at times are outright dangerous- they had a scrap with some family members at a funeral once and actually forgot him when they stormed out- luckily he was with aunts/ uncles asleep in a carrycot! He was only a baby before we left but I remember my OH's mother trying to get the child to call her "Mammy" rather than his mother. They have also lied to her about the situation with her social welfare payments, and at one point the payments were being paid into my MIL's account- I don't know if this is still going on.

    Thanks for the tips RE games, hopefully we'll bond over those :). Also I have invited some of our friends over, they would have met them at our wedding, so it will be a distraction. Good point about the alcohol aswell, I'll have a word with himself.

    I guess we (esp. me!) are just a bit nervous. She has had a lot less influence than he has from other family throughout their lives because their parents have completely alienated themselves from everyone and as such she has become a bit brainwashed by them. I think that deep down she knows this as she is a smart cookie but is keeping shtum for a quiet life. She's a real sweetie and I'd say allows herself to be walked all over at times.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    I think you both have a fantastic opportunity to mend things and also build on something in that week they are over.

    I would put any worry/anxiety/negative worries aside for the week and just approach it will an open mind. Go with the flow with things and keep obvious talk about the MIL and upbringing out of the scene.... I think the couple have a lovely chance to get a different perspective on things away from your MIL and that side, and it might alter their perception a bit as no doubt having a child themselves and perhaps seeing the behaviour themselves might have made them question things.

    All you can do is show them a nice time, show them a different side of life. A 4 year old means plenty of things to talk about if you get stuck, such as starting school. If you get cabin feverish, then just always have a backup plan or a place you can go to to cool down/have some space to yourself, maybe this is something you can arrange with your OH in advance when he is not working that you get some time alone for other things?

    I'm sure it will work out fine - too many people around can sometimes take its toll, so make sure you're well rested and energised beforehand and just put your best foot forward. Throw any expectations/assumptions out the window. They probably aren't expecting you to drive them here, there and everywhere, and most likely, if this is the first time you've really had a chance to spend time alone, a great opportunity just to get to know eachother properly and I think time should be spent doing that a bit.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think you both have a fantastic opportunity to mend things and also build on something in that week they are over.

    We feel that this is a great opportunity aswell. However what I was hoping for from the week was for them both to actually get to a point where they can talk to eachother openly about the situation, confide in eachother, use eachother to lean on. Things like a sh*tty childhood shouldn't be something that is swept under the carpet, and as his sister she is the only one who truly knows what he has been through and vice- versa. I want her to know that we're always here if she needs us, as we are for my siblings. I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to him/ me / us because she has been warned not to.

    I will insist that we both take the dog out for an hour every day by ourselves, as this is when we both do our winding down :). Unfortunately we will be overseas until Tuesday for a wedding, so not much time to relax.

    Thanks for all of your advice, I'm beginning to feel alot better. You know what it's like, there's been an elephant in the room since we started going out, add to that we're not at home to remedy it. It's like when you meet someone you've met before and can't remember their name, after a while it feels like it would be bad form to ask :/


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    I want her to know that we're always here if she needs us, as we are for my siblings. I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to him/ me / us because she has been warned not to.

    It will take time, so don't push the issue into the open (in case it comes across as criticism and offence is taken on their side to being defensive), it will probably happen naturally if it is to happen, and probably better for her/them to bring it up. You can show your support to them generally without being too subtle about it if it isn't brought out into the open, just by extending an invite to them again for example, all being well of course, for them to come over or be available to them for advice and support in other areas and inviting open communications.

    Play it by ear and see how it goes. Maybe it won't be opened up on the first visit, as these things take time, and trust takes time and if it is the case she's been warned off talking to you both, she'll need to see for herself that it's ok to do so, that she can trust you OH and yourself.

    Focus on just enjoying having a great time, and be happy with the first step in them coming over and work from that. I'm sure everything will go well and everyone will have an enjoyable time.

    Just on toys - if you're stuck for a few toys, would the neighbours have any toys that aren't currently being played with or have been outgrown that you could borrow for the time being?


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Toys may be a problem as the neighbours kids are girls and only spend every second weekend here because parents are separated.

    Our dog is great with kids though, will play play play all day and is very gentle. Apparently at home he plays with the hyper dog in their grandad's house until he wants to curl up in his basket so I'd say she'll keep him well occupied. It will be a new experience for her aswell!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry for the bump but I thought I'd let you know how we got on. It is a bit of a rant so bear with me.

    They got in last Wednesday really early, so I told them I'd look after the little fella if they wanted to get some sleep. I presumed it would just be a couple of hours but it turned out being 5/ 6. No problem, I gave him an apple and we did some playing and everything was OK. OHs sister was surprised that he ate an apple and when they got up went to buy pizzas and fish fingers from the shop.

    Every morning that they were here I got up at 8 as our nephew got up then. The first morning they acted like they couldn't believe he got up so early but as it happened every single morning it was obvious that this is his usual time to awake. They both stayed in bed until 12/ 1 every day. All he ate for the whole week was pizza and fish fingers, anytime I got close to feeding him something normal they would start fretting, shoving spag bol covered fingers into his mouth and he would refuse it point blank. The TV was never off. They didn't do anything unless we suggested it or it was an already planned activity.

    There was no conversation except for a bit of small talk from the boyfriend, so at least we bonded with him a little bit. Our nephew obviously has some behavioural/ learning difficulties and as my job in Ireland was working with children with these issues it was apparent to me that the only reasons for this are that he watches too much TV, never has anybody to play with and eats rubbish constantly. As he is starting school today I think this will help and hopefully he won't have too many issues in the future.

    My OHs sister spends an hour every day on her hair/ makeup and has better clothes than we do, so it's a big possibility that the small guy doesn't live with her most of the time. In fact, the night before their flight he stayed with their parents until she picked him up to go to the airport at 2am. We are pretty sure there was some kind of gagging order in place as the tension was unbearable. She barely spoke to me when my OH was not there, and yesterday before they left was even worse. My OH reckons that I might be reading too much into this- maybe he's right, but it's worth adding here anyway, if only to vent a bit.

    We did say that we would babysit if they wanted to go out for dinner but by Saturday night I was thoroughly sick of the amount I alone was doing. There was no set bed time and a couple of days he would fall asleep at 5/ 6 only to wake up like a demon at 9/ 10. All the other nights he was up until myself and OH went to bed, which would have been a couple of hours before they did. We even had to take the dog to sleep in our room because he had this terrible habit of torturing her if he was tired and looking for attention. We didn't want her to do something that we wouldn't expect if he did something that she didn't expect, but OH's sister maintained that because he does it to the cats at home that it was OK- no amount of explaining to her that you can't trust any animal with a kid would convince her otherwise. Dog is a real sweetie and she doesn't deserve to be tormented, and if something happened she would bear the brunt of it.

    Very glad to have an empty house again, but bitterly disappointed that this didn't work out. Not really sure what to do now. Part of me is saying "F**k it, what do I need to prove?" but another part is thinking that this is his only sister. It's just so difficult as we are so close to his aunts/ uncles/ cousins and she is so different. I mean, myself and my siblings have differences but always make an effort with eachothers partners and at the end of the day are mad about eachother.

    Thanks all, just putting it down here is a huge help :)


Advertisement