Confused by bad hygiene

LegacyUser

Im going out with a guy that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

Unfortunately we do have a few issues that I need help with, I know im not perfect too just for the record!!!

His hygiene leaves a lot to be desired and he doesnt seem to have any issue with it. He could go days without washing and really, really stinks. Its really gross but if I bring it up im nagging him or he thinks its a joke. How can I make him see that this is unacceptable?? That I shouldnt have to tell him to wash as he is a grown man and I am not his mother.

I know you shouldnt try to and couldnt change a person anyway, but what am I supposed to do meanwhile? I already have a car air freshner up in the bedroom.

I gave him an ultimatum when I moved in that I cant follow through with now, I wasnt happy with the state of how he lived and if he didnt improve I wouldnt stay living with him. Now were moving to another place and he hasnt improved at all but I dont want to not live with him, I love him too much and if I have to put put up with it I will. Is that my only choice? Cleaningup after him for the rest of our lives together or nagging him continuously about it (or not nagging him and just shutting up and putting up with it)??

I get really angry about it sometimes as I see it as disrespectful so of course we argue then. Its such a stupid thing to be fighting about too!!!! How am I supposed to deal with this??? Any advise appreciated.

LegacyUser

Oh Dear OP. That is awful. Look, unfortunately some people just don't 'get it' when it comes to hygiene. It could be that he was brought up in a home where normal hygiene standards were ignored. So it could be that this is 'normal' to him.

Any time personal hygiene issues threads are brought up on these boards, a small amount of people come on defending the stinker and you can get an insight into their way of thinking.

They can be lazy/have no pride in themselves/ignorant to normal standards/eccentric....the reasons are as varied as the smells!

If the motivation is not in him to change, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do. At the moment he has a girlfriend who tolerates the intolerable. This just re-inforces his misconception that his behaviour is acceptable. You could get a lot tougher and he may or may not change. But if he's dug his heels in this far, well it doesn't look good.

It will eventually turn you off him. It's not the physical disgust that will get you but the mental revulsion too. I mean how can you respect someone who is filthy and smells?

You can't. You might tolerate him in the short term but eventually you will break. It's no way to live. Hard decisions to be made.

dafunk

Tough love, tell him that you will only share a bed with him on days he has showered, otherwise he can sleep elsewhere. No shower = no sex or cuddling.

TBH I don't know how you could let him near you if he stinks.

lace

dafunk wrote: »

Tough love, tell him that you will only share a bed with him on days he has showered, otherwise he can sleep elsewhere. No shower = no sex or cuddling.

TBH I don't know how you could let him near you if he stinks.

I think this is the key OP. I can't imagine how you deal with the bedroom side of things if he doesn't wash. This might just work. Tell him he's not getting into bed with you unless he's clean. Refuse to stay if the place is a mess. Stay with friends or family for a few days until he cleans the place up and be sure he knows that if it happens again you'll be leaving for good.

You say you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy but can you really imagine friends and family coming to visit you in the home ye share? Having people over for dinner? Can you imagine being the one with the smelly partner at all your family and work functions? If you want children can you imagine having them with him? How could you trust him to look after a baby if he can't even look after himself?

You need to consider all these things when thinking about spending your life with this man. If he doesn't change it's going to end up tearing ye apart eventually. If he doesn't change you need to move on and find someone who respects themselves (and you) enough to wash.

Neyite

dafunk wrote: »

Tough love, tell him that you will only share a bed with him on days he has showered, otherwise he can sleep elsewhere. No shower = no sex or cuddling.

TBH I don't know how you could let him near you if he stinks.

^^This.
You have tried joking, talking and nagging. Now its action time. Tell him you can either be his mammy or his lover but you cant be both.
And mean it. On the days when you are picking up after him or nagging him, you are in mammy mode, and basically dont put out. No harm to walk around in cutsie boxers and a vest to hammer the point home as to what he is missing out on. And he is on the couch unless he comes to your bed freshly washed, and pulled his weight around the house. If you are faced with a clean boyfriend and clean home then you can show him what he is missing.

There are those that say sex should never be a bargaining tool, and I agree with that, but this is slightly different - I see it more as that you cant choose your mindset - either you are a mammy figure with no sexual feelings towards him, or you are an equal, and a lover and find him irrestible. He can choose.

LittleBook

Yes, this has come up a couple of times recently so you're not alone and I'll just post more or less what I said to the last woman.

Somebody didn't bother to teach him personal hygiene so either you will have to or get used to the smell.

If it helps, think about this ... are YOU the only person who he spends time with? Don't you think other people are aware of his smell and are thinking that he is dirty? I'd be mortified if people were thinking something like this about my partner!

Just tell him, straight out ... rip off the plaster so to speak. It's the only way. And if he thinks it's a joke, show him this thread ... it's not funny, it's disgusting. Children know better than this.

tinkerbell

dafunk wrote: »

Tough love, tell him that you will only share a bed with him on days he has showered, otherwise he can sleep elsewhere. No shower = no sex or cuddling.

TBH I don't know how you could let him near you if he stinks.

This.

That is totally gross OP. No sleeping in same bed or intimacy until he washes regularly, that is just so gross and there is NO excuse for it.

Esoteric_

Look, you just have to be out straight with him. Everyone gets a lazy few days where they slob about in their pyjamas and don't bother to shower, but that's a once off thing, not a regular thing! You just have to be blunt and out straight. My boyfriend has good hygiene, but there'll be the odd time where he doesn't shower for 2 days. When this happens, sexual intimacy doesn't happen, he knows this and he immediately showers because he knows I don't want to sleep with or be with someone dirty. If he's been really busy working, even after a shower that morning, he'll be sweaty. Normally, he'd go straight to sleep and change the sheets and shower the next morning but if I stay over, I'll tell him he needs a shower and he'll immediately go shower. If I ever needed a shower (not that that really happens, I shower daily), he'd do the same and tell me straight away.

You need to be blunt and refuse intimacy of any kind unless he showers. I once dated 2 guys who refused to shower. One once went a MONTH without showering, washing his body, brushing his teeth, and expected me to go down on him :eek: needless to say, I dumped him in the end.

Dating someone who doesn't even respect you enough to WASH themselves is a very bad sign and probably won't work out very well tbh.

Emme

LyndaMcL wrote: »

One once went a MONTH without showering, washing his body, brushing his teeth, and expected me to go down on him :eek: needless to say, I dumped him in the end.

Eeeww! I think I dated this guy as well and to add insult to injury, he expected me to suck his TOES as well as go down on him!!!! :eek:

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Dating someone who doesn't even respect you enough to WASH themselves is a very bad sign and probably won't work out very well tbh.

Exactly. I would advise the OP to tell this guy to clean up and give him a fortnight to do it. If he doesn't then she should dump him (the local compost heap might or might not take him )

cocokay

Emme wrote: »

Eeeww! I think I dated this guy as well and to add insult to injury, he expected me to suck his TOES as well as go down on him!!!! :eek:



VOMIT!!! i had a similar experience with an ex yrs ago when i was much younger & v shy & found it hard to vocalize...if i met him now i would have no qualms! seriously its disgusting, how does he do it, i feel minging if i go even half a day without showering if i'm used to showering every morning. how do u kiss him/sleep with him?

Emme

cocokay wrote: »

Emme wrote: »

Eeeww! I think I dated this guy as well and to add insult to injury, he expected me to suck his TOES as well as go down on him!!!! :eek:



VOMIT!!! i had a similar experience with an ex yrs ago when i was much younger & v shy & found it hard to vocalize...if i met him now i would have no qualms! seriously its disgusting, how does he do it, i feel minging if i go even half a day without showering if i'm used to showering every morning. how do u kiss him/sleep with him?

Dissociation. I was going through a bad patch when I met Mr Smelly and didn't think I deserved much better. One of the first things he asked me was did I like different flavours. I thought he meant food. I found out later that he meant something entirely different :rolleyes:. Like smegma, toe cheese, stale snot, belly button cheese, the hum of stale sweat and his favourite thing was a bj where the girl would swallow :mad:

When I refused the above requests and others (anyone heard of felching? ) he told me I was conservative and puritanical. Even being kissed by him was like having a cut of decaying meat forced into your mouth. Gross! The most confusing thing was that this guy had a very responsible job in healthcare!!! :eek:

LegacyUser

Ok hes not that bad!!! I mean, he always has a quick wash if things start hotting up and theres a possibility of sex. He isnt someone whos into typical disgusting stuff, he thinks that if I burp in front of him i'm being gross!!! Its more the armpit and foot smell that really puts me off, and lack of cleaning up after himself unless nagged about which Im tired of doing.

He grew up on a farm and does manual work, usually every day and his mom really picks up after him there too. He has said that he doesnt see the point in washing when hes only going to get dirty again tomorrow and he also blames our lack of electric shower, he smokes aswell and so my sense of smell is stronger.

I have been in a few relationships and there is always give and take, Im not perfect either. If he posted some of my flaws on here from only this one sided perspective im sure id tell him to dump me!!! He has many, many other wonderful sides to him and treats me with the utmost love and respect otherwise and we are completely in love with each other.

Like I said, breaking up isnt an option, I am sticking with him and its more stuff like the mammy vs girlfriend idea that I might be able to implement. I wont use sex as a bargaining tool. I guess I just need to put up with it and hope hes learning slowly but surely that its unfair on me (and keep burping in front of him to highlight the point, which I wouldnt do normally by the way!!!).

Thanks for all the advise!!!

Wowbagger

He goes days without washing and then thinks it's gross when you burp in front of him???

I wish you luck but have a bad feeling.

W.

Emme

unregistered user 082011 wrote: »

Ok hes not that bad!!! I mean, he always has a quick wash if things start hotting up and theres a possibility of sex. He thinks that if I burp in front of him i'm being gross!!! Its more the armpit and foot smell that really puts me off, and lack of cleaning up after himself unless nagged about which Im tired of doing.

He grew up on a farm and does manual work, usually every day and his mom really picks up after him there too. He has said that he doesnt see the point in washing when hes only going to get dirty again tomorrow and he also blames our lack of electric shower, he smokes aswell and so my sense of smell is stronger.

If he posted some of my flaws on here from only this one sided perspective im sure id tell him to dump me!!! He has many, many other wonderful sides to him and treats me with the utmost love and respect otherwise and we are completely in love with each other.

Like I said, breaking up isnt an option, I am sticking with him and its more stuff like the mammy vs girlfriend idea that I might be able to implement. I wont use sex as a bargaining tool. I guess I just need to put up with it and hope hes learning slowly but surely that its unfair on me (and keep burping in front of him to highlight the point, which I wouldnt do normally by the way!!!).

Thanks for all the advise!!!

Growing up on a farm is no excuse for bad hygiene, in fact it's an insult to anyone (myself included) who grew up on a farm.

If ye haven't got an electric shower what's stopping ye getting one, how do ye wash in the meantime? Does he take baths in front of the fire in an old fashioned zinc bath while you heat the water up?

I wish you luck. Keep burping, if I were you I'd be vomiting!

Esoteric_

He won't shower because he'll only get dirty the next day? uh, hello? You're supposed to wash every day!

If you're still going to sleep with someone unwashed and won't break up with him even though he's acting like a lazy, smelly pig, what advice do you want? If you're not willing to do anything that'll make him see it's not ok, there's very little we can tell you.