Feel like a slave!

LegacyUser

Hi, sorry but this is gonna be long!

Basically, I live at home as moving out is not an option right now because of finances (can't even afford to rent a room, I'm on rubbish wages). My mother is disabled, but is able to get up and about and do things for herself no problem.

Since my parents split, my mother expects my brother and I to do pretty much everything for her. My brother is unemployed and stays in during the day times and makes dinner and such. When I was unemployed, I did it all the time and stayed in a lot.

Thing is, I'm 23 and working and have a boyfriend and such. I stay with my boyfriend a few nights a week and work all the other days usually. But my mother expects me to stay in all the time! Every single time I go to see my boyfriend, I'm given out to for leaving my brother to look after her, and if (on a rare occasion) I say I'm staying out for 3 or 4 nights instead of two, I'm shouted at and guilt tripped non stop. My brother goes out too and also gets this treatment, but not as badly. If I have a day off that I'm not spending with my boyfriend, I'm expected to stay in all day to make my mother tea and clean and such, even though she's more than able to do it for herself.

Quite frankly, I'm feeling extremely resentful after yet another telling off for wanting to go out for 4 hours tomorrow to meet a friend for lunch and a chat. I'm in my 20s ffs, I shouldn't have to put up with this! I understand that it's her house, her rules, but giving me a lecture on how selfish I am every time I want to see a friend is ridiculous! I already said I'd have the dinners made and the cleaning done before I went out, so ALL she'd have to do is make herself cups of tea or coffee or whatever. I honestly think she milks her illness because she likes having everything done for her, and I feel SO awful for actually typing that But I can't deal with it anymore! I can never see my friends or boyfriend without a lecture on when I need to come home or how selfish I am or calls to see when I'll be home. Granted, my brother goes out less than I do but I don't go out a ridiculous amount! I go out for 2 nights a week, sometimes three and I meet friends maybe once a fortnight or once a month for a few hours, that's it. But because I'm working, my mother sees me as being out all day and doesn't seem to recognise the fact that I'm not out having fun, I'm out working my backside off so I can help with the bills!

How can I say this to her? I've tried talking to her but she just shouts at me and says I'm being selfish and leaving everything for my brother to do but why should I be a carer for someone who frankly doesn't need it and not get paid for it? She even gets mad if I'm asked to stay on later in work or cover an extra shift if someone is sick! I feel so full of resentment and I hate feeling this way, but there's no way I can move out right now and I can't live like this! I pay her rent, I should be able to live my own life to some degree but I can never go out without there being stress, arguments and drama, even if I just decide to go shopping for an hour! I have spoken to my dad about this (he's still in the picture, just not living with us anymore as they're separated, but on good terms) but he just refuses to discuss it and refuses to talk to her.

I've tried to talk to her, but she just gets really angry and threatens to kick me out and tells me how selfish I am. Even this evening, I said I'd be going out for a coffee with my friend tomorrow for a few hours and she got mad because my brother is going out during the day too, but she doesn't want to be left alone and said 'I thought you two agreed that one of you would always be here?' I said 'No, we never agreed that, we can't guarantee that we'll be here 24 hours a day,' but she just said 'I wasn't saying you need to be here3 24 hours a day' and refused to talk about it.

I accept that my mother is disabled and I do help out as much as I can but I'm working full time and need to see my boyfriend and friends, I can't look after my whole family alone! How can I say this to her in a non-confrontational way? I don't want to feel this resentment, I feel awful and I'm in tears here thinking that when she's eventually gone, years from now, I'll have been an awful, terrible daughter for not looking after her, but it's not my job!

shinikins

Hi OP, your not a bad daughter, far from it, your giving up your own free time to look after your mum and I applaud you for it, I don't think anyone could fault you.

I may be wrong, and please correct me if I am, but I'm getting the impression that your mum is housebound and relies heavily on you and your brother. Sometimes people with disabilities can become extremely dependant on those caring for them, but from frustration can lash out at them. There isn't much you can do but stand up for yourself. When she threatens to kick you out, brazen it out and say "okay, but who will look after x, y and z if I'm gone?" When she tries to guilt trip you, ask her if she would rather you be a hermit and have no life. If she calls you selfish, tell her that this is exactly what she is for wanting you to stay with her at all times. She is emotionally manipulating, and unfortunately knows which strings to pull.

Baked.noodle

You have to stand up to your mother. I know that the shouts and spits but you cannot let her bully you the way she does. It’s not health for anybody, including her. It’s easier said than done but both you and your brother need a united front on this. You have to draw a line in the sand and this requires an ultimatum. You both need to firmly explain to her that she can’t treat you as she does and that things are going to change or you will have to move out. I know you said you can’t afford it, but you could if you had too. She threatens to kick you out, but it sounds empty to me. I really don’t know but I would imagine she feels very insecure and is behaving as she does to control you. Wanting somebody to be with her 24 hours a day would indicate to me that she needs more activity in her life. Does she play bridge, or does she have any friends to visit? Being disabled can be very isolating. Perhaps you could find her more social activities whilst at the same time changing your interaction with her. You need to be matter of fact with her when she is being unreasonable. Don’t tolerate it. Be strong.

If you haven't done so already perhaps you should contact organisations that may be able to help you. Perhaps these people can help you:

http://www.carersireland.com/nowyoureacarer_icare_physical.php

tinkerbell

OP, I feel terrible for you. The above two posters though have summed up just what I was thinking.